Are we are own worst date?

The Party is two weeks away. I've already written the questions from the guys and the Wowettes' answers on the previous post. That was fun, reading the questions to the ladies and hearing their laughter and then their thoughtful answers. Some questions were fun and funny and others made us sad, but that's life, isn't it, the emotions we face while living. I like to call it existential angst, the pain of living, but then I'm a recent college graduate with a degree in philosophy, did you know that?!?

Since that post, I've received a few more comments from the guys. One wrote, "Hi Ellen thanks again for the updates on the single's party. I have to be honest I have never done anything like this before and I must say I am nervous. Keep those messages coming and I'll see you soon." I like that in a man, that he is able to admit his fears and do it anyway. I wrote him back that I'm looking forward to meeting him and that he should introduce himself, whisper to me that he's the guy who is a bit nervous and that I will introduce him to the ladies until he is comfortable. His answer to that was, Ellen you're too cool thanks I feel more comfortable already!" Aahhh, nice. Another guy wrote, "Where are the personal profiles of women? Without that, I should just go to a bar or a Russian women website." I think he should. Definitely.

So really, what's the intention for this Party? I want my Wowettes and other single ladies our age to meet a group of great guys who are also looking for a partner, a relationship, maybe their last love. I wanted us to do it the "old-fashioned" way, meeting in a public place in a setting where we can have fun and be ourselves and see the guys as they really are. I really want it to be a fun time for everyone and, if any of us meet someone we'd like to see again, that's even better.

But one guy's email shook me up. He wrote, "My question for you or your group is: "How do we get past the feeling of being used or just a meal ticket?" Wanted: .... generous, .... This comprises most posts and leaves no doubt of the meaning. All activities lists are the higher end: "concerts, theater, fine dining." They never mention McDonalds or Home town buffet. "Love to travel exotic places." Nothing is mentioned of who they are, the real person below the surface, or why I'd be interest in them. I don't want my penis enlarged or pay to view their pictures. Like most men my age, I watch my spending habits. I can't go out an earn it again. Also, time is a precious asset; I don't want to waste it with a door-nob. I want conversation on a mutual level, companionship, a special someone who knows I'm there for her when she needs me, and intimacy." I wrote him back that the ladies I know, all of whom are self-supporting and independent women, are looking for a man who wants to take walks, go for drives, see movies sitting on the couch - we just want a man who is a friend and lover and hopefully good under the sheets. I told him to take the lady to somewhere like Descanco Gardens or the Santa Monica Pier, where they can talk and people watch and have a very inexpensive meal and he can find out who she really is. If she's not happy with that date, then he can move on. If she's delighted, then a second date is in order.

But he wrote again, "How can you tell, in advance, what her agenda is? If you're wasting your time and money on a woman who is damaged goods (seriously damaged)? The one who doesn't want to find anyone, only taken out. One who doesn't care about you or anyone else and never will. It's all about being taken out and shown a good time. Her favorite manta is "Next". Remember, we're male - we're blind when it comes to clues and never ask direction." Geez, isn't that the purpose of dating, to find out these things? To get to know the other person? I don't know any other way to find out who the other person is, if they are emotionally healthy, if they can make me laugh, if they have similar values, etc etc, unless I spend time with them, keep my eyes and ears open, and pay attention to what they are telling me about themselves.

And then he slammed me and what I wrote in a previoius post, "What about the woman who goes out with you, has fun, takes you to bed (fun under the sheets), and then kicks you out in the morning (I've got to get something done). Oops! That's you! Never mind. LOL (Your blog)" Ouch. At first, I thought this guy was sincerely looking for information about women, something to help him be more successful in meeting a good woman, but now I realize that he's just angry and bitter, and that's sad. I've had a few other emails like this, guys saying negative things about "all women," and I have to think their attitude pushes woman away and might even cause them to attract the very women they complain about so they can prove their theories. And that's even sadder.

Dating isn't easy, I admit. It's hard to see the "real" person when we are all wrapped up in our physical attraction or the thought that maybe he's "the one." Sometimes we ignore the red flags because we just don't want to see them. Sometimes the guy has a few things on our "required list" and so we think he must have the rest of the list, too. Sometimes we ladies are as blind as you guys and certainly we delude ourselves into thinking that the guy's bad traits will magically go away and that he will turn into Prince Charming. But, again, that's what dating is for, to have fun and see the other person as he or she really is, to see the good and the bad and decide if this one is a "keeper."

So, I vote that we take the time before the Party on May 12th to examine our own attitudes, see if we have any "all men" or "all women" views and cast them aside. Let's look at ourselves and make sure we are not hindered by our negative attitudes about the opposite sex and let's replace our past "baggage" with a hopeful and positive attitude. Let's make it a great Party full of fabulously upbeat people having fun together. We have that choice. Let's make it happen.