October 28, 2010

What is my truth?

Yes, yes, I haven't written.  Is my lack of something to write about bad or good or neither?   I'm really coasting, actually enjoying work some of the time, seeing a few friends each week, spending at least one day and maybe night with my grandchildren each week.....and enjoying listening to the stories of my BFFs who have recently met men they consider pretty great.

I really would love to post the pics of the kids, the amazing lego spaceships and cities they've created, the fairs we've recently attended, and the silly rides they've laughed through at the local events.  And I will.  But what I can't stop thinking about is something I heard this week on Dr. Phil.  Yes, I watch Dr. Phil.  I tape it and, when I get home from a hugely exhausting day at work and crash on my comfy sofa, I lose myself in Dr. Phil and disappear into his stories.  Not the icky shows about violence or drug addiction and stuff like that, but the more watchable shows about how people handle what life throws at them.

He's got this weekly Tuesday thing going on where Dr. Phil Housewives get together to figure out their issues.  Pretty annoying, I must admit, like chalk on the blackboard some of them, but mostly it's thought-provoking to hear their stories, how they get stuck in lives that I think I couldn't tolerate, lives that I'd just run away from, yet they're caught for years in their particular cycle of pain and lack of happiness.

There's this one young attractive woman, successful in her own business, but totally unsuccessful in finding a mate. She went through a bad break-up over one year ago and hasn't dated since, so Dr. Phil set her up with a nice guy and she proceeded to spend most of the date being negative and verbally pushing him away.   She had no clue what she was doing, but it was so obvious to us viewers and the other housewives.  Rather than teach her what to say and how to act and what not to do, Dr. Phil talked about what it was in her past that made her need to self-sabotage and destroy her chances of finding what she wants most in life, a husband and children.  His question was, "What is your truth?" and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

It seems we hold a truth about ourselves that influences our decisions, our actions, and our reactions to what happens in our lives.  This particular woman had been raised by a father who made it clear he didn't like her or want to be with her, so she spent her life feeling rejected or rejecting others before they rejected her. She was doomed to repeat this pattern unless she recognized her "truth" and took steps to change it.  Think of the difference between having parents who encourage and adore us versus parents who criticize and humiliate us, never letting us know by words or deeds that we are special and loved.  It's easy enough to recognize that I was raised by a father who was a bully and a mother who was too intimidated to defend or protect me, but what indeed was the message I internalized from my past that affects my every action today?  I need to know.  It feels like this is maybe the last piece in the puzzle of my freedom from my past.  I'm searching, meditating, asking the universe to help me understand my own "truth".  Do you know yours?