OK, I admit I’m on Vicodin, having pulled something in my back wrapping Christmas presents. Don’t laugh, it happens. But now I’m in the mood, drugged though it is, to tell you guys using online dating sites how to get a woman. I know, you’re old enough to know how, but is it working?!? Ever think about how what you’re doing just isn’t getting you the lady of your dreams? Listen, it’s sooooo easy, so really easy to get us to want you, but if I tell you, will you get it?!? In the interest of all single women out there, I have to try. Here goes:
1) First, when you read a profile you like, don’t do that “icebreaker” or “flirt” thing, you know the ones that have a cute ready-made line (“I’m looking for a serious relationship, are you?” or “We have a lot in common – don’t you agree?”) and you just click on it and it goes to us. Geez, I hate that! Make up something! Say something about our profile that will make us think you actually read it and liked us from what you read. There’s that one that says, “I like your profile – how do you like to be contacted?” Is that just so moronic?!? Be original, I beg you. And stop all of that serial browsing – our pictures aren’t up there just to be looked at! We actually want to meet you, so write to us after you read our profile. What have you got to lose?!?
2) Put your picture on your profile. A nice, smiling picture that makes you look happy and handsome. Not a picture of your motorcycle. We know that men in their 50s have some need we don't understand to ride those things, but we want to believe you guys have grown up, even if you haven’t. No pictures of other women, even your secretaries. OK, a picture of your dog, I can live with that.
3) Be positive! Say upbeat things! Talk about yourself like you like yourself, but don’t go on and on and on forever about how fabulous you are and what your friends say about you. And we don’t want to read a list of the 50 things you don’t like about women. Say nice things about women. Make us believe you like women. Understand? And that guy who wrote a list of 25 books he read with the reasons they are his favorites or the guy who wrote a list of two dozen of his favorite one-liners? Don’t do that. I don’t have to explain this, just don’t. And use spell check, I beg you. Please!
4)OK, once you write to us and say nice things about us and say you’d like to meet us and we give you our phone number, just call us at a reasonable hour. Don’t ask, “what time should I call?” We like men with balls, don’t be a baby about this, just do it.
5) This is the most important. This, alone, will make you a chick magnet. I should charge money for this, but its value cannot be calculated. How much would you pay to have women adoring you and showing you cleavage? This is so simple, I beg you to take it seriously. I have told several guy friends about this and it has changed their lives. Even the drinker and smoker with bad skin had a date with different women every night of the week after he took this seriously, I kid you not. Ready? Here it is: Listen. OK, you’ve heard that before, I know, but I mean listen to learn. You guys are visual, see if you can picture this. When she is talking, it is like she is sitting on a chair with a spotlight on her. It is your job to keep the spotlight on her – every time you start talking about yourself, it takes the spotlight away from her. Keep her talking. Ask questions about what she is saying. Listen to learn. Let me say that again, listen to learn. Don’t be that guy who called me last night and talked for twenty minutes straight about himself and I thought, it doesn’t matter who he is talking to, he doesn’t care that he is talking to me. Trust me, I won’t be meeting that guy. Since you really want to meet us, act like you mean it. Act like there is something about us you really like and that you want to get to know us better. You don’t have to convince us you are fabulous – if you listen to us this way, we’ll believe it all on our own.
Hopefully, when the drug wears off, I won't regret writing this. It wasn't too bad, was it? Really, I just want you guys to relax, be brave, have courage, and go for what you want. You really might get it.
9 comments:
But what if I don't really want a chick whose tremendous grasp of human relationships left her spending Christmas weekend trolling Personal Ads?
And here's one more VALUABLE secret for the guys....
We women want a man who makes plans. So, for the first date, go ahead, make the plans, pick the restaurant or suggest 2 of your favorites, suggest the time, plan the evening, and yes, pay for the valet. Don't be worried whether we'll LOVE the restaurant. We'll appreciate that you made the effort to plan the evening, and maybe we'll be swept off our feet too.
I'm very familiar with the magic of your last tip, of being a great listener.
My difficulty lies with women who have no idea how to converse. Words gush forth from their mouths like an open spigot, almost indiscriminately soaking whoever they're with. When captured in such a verbal spray, I've often thought about unfolding a cardboard cutout of myself and slinking away from this assault-by-boredom. They'd never know the difference.
These are otherwise intelligent women who don't understand that good conversation is a bit like volleyball, where the aim is to keep the ball in the air for the longest time possible, with as many volleys as possible. Instead, they seem to think that conversation is a contest of whoever can fill the silence first and hold it for the longest period of time.
Not all women are like this, fortunately, but it's very common. And so when I hear about women complaining about self-absorbed boorish men, I have to protest that women are at least as guilty.
A very basic training manual in overcoming this deficit is Dale Carnegie's classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's all about developing curiosity in the other person, and listening to learn.
First we have to find a "chick" that we want to attract. They can also be few and far between!
Thanks to all of you for your b'day wishes - it was a wonderful day...Even to the sad sack who kept writing that I was 62- I will be very proud when I get to that age, thank you....
Happy New Year and a belated birthday wish. I find your writings to be of professional quality. I believe you can write a syndicated column, in any newspaper or magazine of your choice. Explain the personal growth or the experience that you feel when you write your column. This curious mind would Like to know...A Fan
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