So we've been on a zillion bad coffee dates, sitting there pretending to listen to the guy going on about something, all the time thinking in our heads things like how did I ever think I'd like this guy and doesn't he ever shut up and thank God we didn't do a dinner date and can't these guys learn to listen and how am I gonna get out of here and how soon can I make my move? Then one time you meet a really nice guy and you are having fun and laughing and thinking I really like him and I hope he doesn't turn out to be a jerk and when should I kiss him because you just have to know if he's a good kisser before you spend any more time with him and what about sex? And you do kiss him and it's really good and you think how do you enjoy this and still keep it from going further and should you really listen to those who say to wait and how can I enjoy the making-out without giving the wrong impression and can you really have a great relationship without great sex and shouldn't you find this out right away but shouldn't you really concentrate on getting to know him but then should you invest that kind of time in a guy who might not turn out to be good in bed? Whew. How can we enjoy him at all with our head spinning like this?!?
So we made a Denny's contract. We agreed that we could fool around, knowing that going-all-the-way requires a discussion at a neutral location before proceeding. OK, OK, it sounds dry and too planned, but it has allowed me to turn off my head and enjoy each moment of the pleasure with him so far. I know, I know, Denny's? Sometimes ya gotta be silly to keep the drama at a minimum. And there's always a Denny's in every town. And some are open all night.
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Listen up. You know those zillion coffee dates you all have had? Who do you think is sitting at the other side of the table? We know you all want to be listened to. I really know this. I once asked an actress friend, who dated Warren Beatty for a while, what exactly he had going that attracted women, beyond the incredible good looks. She said, "He listens. He is the best listener I've ever known." I said, "What?" "Never mind," she said. Well maybe he could listen because he was so attractive. The rest of us, especially as we get older, tend to feel that we have to sell ourselves. We'll listen to you later, on the real date, the one where we pay. But we have to get to that date first. I don't have all my hair, my body is getting the crap beat out of it by gravity and too many carbs, and I wish I didn't look older than I feel, so of course I have to sing and dance, and charm, and amuse, and surprise you to cut myself out of the herd of caffiene cavaliers. Let us put on our show for you. It's a lot of effort, so we'd really appreciate if you'd stay till the second act. You want us to listen? Try shutting off your worried mind and listen to us. You might find that underneath all that blather is a genuine person, just as scared and nervous as you are, and so wanting for you to be the one.
Now all that other stuff about whether we are good kissers (and beyond), we'll let you know real soon. And, (you may not know this) we hear very well those sounds you make when the kissing is working. So, if we accidentally do something right, make one of those sounds. If we don't get the picture on the spot, dump us and move on. If a man can't listen to that, he is truly deaf.
Oh, I almost forgot. That Denny's contract worked out real well. Ellen was right, we had fun with each other without wondering if tonight was the night. We took turns being the lawyer with the contract in our hands, and the lock on the gate.
By the way, the Grand Slam is delicious.
....as was dessert?
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