All the advice in the world.

I'm just thinking about Coach Rori's idea that there is only one woman and one man in a relationship, that we strong and independent women of the millenium can't be "the guy" and expect our men to be manly, whatever that is to us. And, from my past therapists, I know that one can read all the relationship books, but that we have to be in a relationship to learn how to be in one. I'm just now learning how real that is.

I'm in a new relationship with a great guy who is a lot like me and some not like me. I'm so used to being on my own and making my own decisions and having my opinion be the only one that it's rather strange now to be part of a couple. I'm not willing to give up the Ellen that I've created all these years, but what do I have to give up or where do I have to bend to be the "woman" and allow him to be the "man?"

Maybe it's individual, based on the identify, character, and desires of the participants. I know this one likes to talk, like he needs a willing and caring ear, so sometimes I don't share my opinion but just listen to his. Sometimes, if I'm not feeling well or share a problem with him, he wants to fix it and I'm not used to letting someone help me. Sometimes, he likes it when I stand up to him and sometimes he doesn't. I'm very sure there's lots more to learn about him. And me with him.

So this relationship thing requires some effort. We have to listen and learn about the other person and for this to work, we need to not be thinking about ourselves when the other is talking. We need to sometimes give up our need to be heard and let the other have the floor. Sometimes we have to do the talking and be willing to share with them what is in our minds or hearts. Sometimes we have to make the plans and sometimes we have to let them lead. Sometimes we need to be contrary and sometimes we need to give in. Sometimes we need to tell the other of our disapproval and sometimes we need to let it go. It's knowing which one to do and when to do what - that's what can make the road bumpy or smooth.

I have read a zillion self-help books from the Venus-Mars series to All Men are Jerks (until proven otherwise) to Getting the Love You Deserve and If the Buddha Dated. I've liked some of the advice and disliked some. Sometimes I'll read one book and think that it's got all the advice I need and then I'll read the next book and think the same of it. Now that I'm actually in a relationship, I feel like I've never read anything or heard anything or learned anything about men and women together. And maybe that's a good place to be, with a clean slate and a whole heart, unremembering the advice I have read and forgetting how my friends have told me to behave and letting go of the hurts created by my past disappointments. Maybe I'll just trust my gut, be the best person I can be, and learn to love as if it's the first time.