All the advice in the world.

I'm just thinking about Coach Rori's idea that there is only one woman and one man in a relationship, that we strong and independent women of the millenium can't be "the guy" and expect our men to be manly, whatever that is to us. And, from my past therapists, I know that one can read all the relationship books, but that we have to be in a relationship to learn how to be in one. I'm just now learning how real that is.

I'm in a new relationship with a great guy who is a lot like me and some not like me. I'm so used to being on my own and making my own decisions and having my opinion be the only one that it's rather strange now to be part of a couple. I'm not willing to give up the Ellen that I've created all these years, but what do I have to give up or where do I have to bend to be the "woman" and allow him to be the "man?"

Maybe it's individual, based on the identify, character, and desires of the participants. I know this one likes to talk, like he needs a willing and caring ear, so sometimes I don't share my opinion but just listen to his. Sometimes, if I'm not feeling well or share a problem with him, he wants to fix it and I'm not used to letting someone help me. Sometimes, he likes it when I stand up to him and sometimes he doesn't. I'm very sure there's lots more to learn about him. And me with him.

So this relationship thing requires some effort. We have to listen and learn about the other person and for this to work, we need to not be thinking about ourselves when the other is talking. We need to sometimes give up our need to be heard and let the other have the floor. Sometimes we have to do the talking and be willing to share with them what is in our minds or hearts. Sometimes we have to make the plans and sometimes we have to let them lead. Sometimes we need to be contrary and sometimes we need to give in. Sometimes we need to tell the other of our disapproval and sometimes we need to let it go. It's knowing which one to do and when to do what - that's what can make the road bumpy or smooth.

I have read a zillion self-help books from the Venus-Mars series to All Men are Jerks (until proven otherwise) to Getting the Love You Deserve and If the Buddha Dated. I've liked some of the advice and disliked some. Sometimes I'll read one book and think that it's got all the advice I need and then I'll read the next book and think the same of it. Now that I'm actually in a relationship, I feel like I've never read anything or heard anything or learned anything about men and women together. And maybe that's a good place to be, with a clean slate and a whole heart, unremembering the advice I have read and forgetting how my friends have told me to behave and letting go of the hurts created by my past disappointments. Maybe I'll just trust my gut, be the best person I can be, and learn to love as if it's the first time.

The Denny's Contract.

So we've been on a zillion bad coffee dates, sitting there pretending to listen to the guy going on about something, all the time thinking in our heads things like how did I ever think I'd like this guy and doesn't he ever shut up and thank God we didn't do a dinner date and can't these guys learn to listen and how am I gonna get out of here and how soon can I make my move? Then one time you meet a really nice guy and you are having fun and laughing and thinking I really like him and I hope he doesn't turn out to be a jerk and when should I kiss him because you just have to know if he's a good kisser before you spend any more time with him and what about sex? And you do kiss him and it's really good and you think how do you enjoy this and still keep it from going further and should you really listen to those who say to wait and how can I enjoy the making-out without giving the wrong impression and can you really have a great relationship without great sex and shouldn't you find this out right away but shouldn't you really concentrate on getting to know him but then should you invest that kind of time in a guy who might not turn out to be good in bed? Whew. How can we enjoy him at all with our head spinning like this?!?

So we made a Denny's contract. We agreed that we could fool around, knowing that going-all-the-way requires a discussion at a neutral location before proceeding. OK, OK, it sounds dry and too planned, but it has allowed me to turn off my head and enjoy each moment of the pleasure with him so far. I know, I know, Denny's? Sometimes ya gotta be silly to keep the drama at a minimum. And there's always a Denny's in every town. And some are open all night.

Is there room for a guy?

Some of my women friends are so busy that, if I invite them out for dinner, it'll be a three week wait. They give me this list of things they have planned that goes on and on and on and all their plans sound like great fun. But then they say how there are no great guys out there and that they really want one but where are they? They have no time for a movie or dinner with me - how would they make time for a relationship?

Recently, I Feng Shuied my bedroom. You hear about it, that one way to attract a new man is to make space for him in your bedroom. So I cleaned out a few drawers, took out the TV, and made the room welcome for sex. It apparently has worked for me, although we haven't done the deed yet, but then I have attracted a guy who swears that having a TV in the bedroom (and a remote with his name on it) is a really good thing. A guy CAN have it all - just have great sex, reach for that cable remote, and watch sports without having to change positions. See, you can still cuddle "after" and make the woman happy - and watch ESPN.

We're so busy being busy that maybe it's time to slow down. Or even stop for a while. Sit still, be quiet, and just "be." What is it that makes us fill our schedules so frantically that we have no room for anything else? Are we afraid to miss something? Are we afraid of being alone? Are we afraid to face ourselves and really see who we are? What if we just stood still for awhile, learned to be quiet inside, and realized that it was OK, maybe really good for us to do nothing? Maybe we'd learn that being quiet and still allows us to mourn our past relationships, face our old pain and let it go, and gives us the peace we seek. And the time to Feng Shui our bedrooms!

We could go out.

So, do we sit behind the computer, laughing at the guys' profiles but still hoping for "the one" to shine through? Or do we go out in public, brave our fears, and check out the options at a Singles Event? It's an interesting trade-off. Sitting online, we can learn things about the guy just by reading his profile, things like job (and income), likes and dislikes, and maybe a glimpse of his personality. But the profile might not be who the guy really is, but who he wants to be or who he thinks will attract the women. And, after some emails, we may never get to meet him, as he moves on to read the zillion other women's profiles. Meeting a guy in person, we don't know much about him, but we learn alot about him with even a short conversation. Is he interesting or amusing or smart or none of the above? And, of course, there's that chemistry thing, that spark we feel when we begin to connect.

For those of you wanting and willing to be "out there," here's a few upcoming events. It could be fun experience and maybe that special guy will be right there, waiting for you to smile at him!

1) partiesbydottie@yahoo.com - A few of us have been to one of her parties and were particularly unimpressed, but these new parties sound like fun. She hosts one in her home in Redondo Beach and another at Aphrodesiac (formerly Lunaria's), an "upscale" restaurant/night club in LA.

2)laparties@lockandkeyevents.com - I haven't been to one of these, but I hear that the guys get a key and the ladies a lock and this is supposed to get the crowd mixing. There's a Vegas in LA event with casino, auction, and DJ. And there's an End of Summer Grand Opening of Club 705 in HErmosa Beach with mixers and dancing.

3) supersinglesmixers.com - This is Rookie MacPherson's group, hosting dances and parties, but this is an offer to attend a TV taping and party afterwards. Remember, a few of us went to one of her dances in Pasadena, but no one got near us because we stayed together and didn't have Rori's advice yet to stand alone and seem more available to the guys.

4) And then there's Leon's. He hosts discussion groups in his home, those crazy sessions during which the speakers just opens his or her mouth and the guys in the group start arguing about the topic. And look out for that young guy who attends to prey on older women. This one is a Saturday Night Mixer (August 26th) - call 818-986-9899 for info and to RSVP.


None of the events sound like a day at Disneyland, but then we do have to kiss all those frogs before we find the Prince. Maybe it's time to take the plunge and show up. Couldn't hurt. Might be fun. We could meet someone.

A reading list for men and women.

WOW is having a speaker at our meeting this month, Evan Marc Katz (www.e-cyrano.com). His business is helping online daters to write their profiles. And he's written two books, "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating" and Why You're Still Single: Things your friends would tell you if you promised not to get mad." I'll bet he's gonna be a really good speaker and fun guy.

So I'm looking up his books on Amazon and click on "I love you, nice to meet you..by singlecitychick...dating diva extraordinaire" and up comes her list of books she suggests for men and women looking for "The One." Her list is called "Love Smart, Love Dumb, but at least Love" which, at the very least, takes the pressure off doing this dating this right, doesn't it? And here's a few on her list:

Books For Women:
1) Ten Commandments of Dating. If I don't get a date, at least I'll get religion.
2) Never Kiss A Frog: A Girl's Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp. I don't know, we usually don't know they're a frog until too late...
3) Dating Rocks!: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make for Love. This is written by a guy, so I don't know if he'll advise taking off our clothes immediately or what.
4) Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship & Dating. So if I just lean into him, no wait, lean away from him like Rori says, I don't need to be beautiful or sexy or smart?
5) Don't Call That Man! OK, is this the 2006 version of The Rules?
6) Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. For those who don't want to follow The Rules?
7) Date Like a Man: What Men Know about Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out. Men know something about dating?!?
8) Stop Getting Dumped! All You need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love With You and Marry 'the one' in 3 years or Less. I can't even come up with a comment on this one, sorry.

Books For Men:
1) Understanding Women: The Definitive Guide to Meeting, Dating, and Dumping, if necessary. This is doomed to fail. Men can never understand us. Remember "men are clueless"?!?
2) How to Succeed with Women. Can't wait to read that. It's really so simple. Treat us like a queen and be fabulous in bed. Sex doesn't end when you do.
3) Stumbling Naked in the Dark: Overcoming Mistakes Men Make with Women. I repeat, treat us like a queen and be fabulous in bed! Sex doesn't end when you do.
4) How to Pick Up Beautiful Women In Nightclubs or Any Other Place: Secrets Every Man Should Know. Like new pick-up lines? Wear a clean shirt?
5) 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. Too bad only women will buy this.

So we women read all the books and follow each one until the next one comes along and then we try the ideas in that one. And the men sit home and serial browse on their computer. A wise therapist once told me that I could read all of the relationship books that ever come out, but that I will only grow while in a relationship. Scary, sure. But could be a lot more fun than reading.

Thinking about it...

By now, you know I have met someone I really like. And who likes me. Thinking back at what we've learned in WOW, whose advice do I take? I remember Hazel and her Conscious Dating tips, like Be The Chooser, Make the Lists, etc. and her words "if you feel very strongly about him right away, run away." Then there's the He's Not Just Into You guy who says to wait two months to have sex. And Rori who said to date at least 5-6 other guys so you will not be so available to the guy you really like and you'll be able to see him more clearly.

I don't think it's fair to be having dinner with another guy or five or six other guys and be listening to him and be thinking about the guy I really like. I don't want to wait two months to be intimate, but I think it's a good idea that will allow me to learn more about him before sex makes me not see him clearly. And I don't want to run away from him. I feel more comfortable and natural with him than I've ever been with anyone else.

Is there some middle ground? Is my intuition to be trusted? I don't know the answers, but I do know that being with him is a pleasure that I don't want to give up or screw up or play games with. How about if I just take it one day at a time and enjoy myself?

He said, she said....

OK, OK, I'll tell you the details of the date! But in a little different way. He wrote the details of the date as if he were me - and I wrote the details of the date as if I were him. Confusing? Right. The He Said is written by me. The She said is written by him. Have fun reading!!!

HE SAID:(written by me...)
"I’m so nervous. What if she doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like her? What if there’s nothing to talk about? OK, I’m in her driveway, I’m gonna just do it, walk up to the door and knock on the door. OK, I’m taking a deep breath, waiting. Oh, she’s soooo pretty! And so soft! And she’s smiling and I can’t take my eyes off her. Oooooh, now she’s hugging me! Ooooh, I don’t want to let go but I think I should but I don’t want to. Oh, she let go. Phooey. I’m trying to make conversation but I’ve got this silly smile on my face and I hope she doesn’t think I’m goofy, but she’s so pretty, I just want to touch her.

So we went to a movie. Wait, when we left and were standing on the front porch so she could lock the door, I said “I have to do the Woody Allen "Annie Hall" thing and kiss you now.” And I did and she seemed to like it but maybe she thinks I’m stupid and only thinking with my dick. Well, she seemed to like it.

The middle is sort of a blur. We found the park, put down our chairs, ate the Chinese food, and drank wine. The movie was good, especially since she let me hold her hand and I think I kissed her a few times during the movie. It’s a blur. Sitting next to her makes me a bit crazy. She’s kinda sexy and I want to do things to her that I can’t talk about right now.

So then we went back to her place, put in the CD and sat outside in the patio in the dark with our chairs across from each other and our feet on each others’ chair. I rubbed her feet. Well, at least I got to rub something. She’s really, really soft. And this part I do remember well, how we talked about stuff that was personal and I shared some feelings and she listened. She’s a good listener, either she doesn’t say anything back and just lets me talk or she talks about something I said to make me talk more about it. I really like her. I can’t remember feeling this comfortable with anyone for a really long time. Did I say she’s really soft?

Then, we went inside and sat on this really big chair she has and talked and then kissed and I rubbed her arm (although I wanted to rub somewhere else, but I’m being a good boy – I don’t want to scare her away) and kissed and kissed. And then she sent me home. Geez, I remember those days when I was a teenager and the girls would only let us go so far and then we had to go home and take that cold shower. But she’s worth it. Really worth it. I really want her to like me. I think she does."


SHE SAID: (written by him)
"Well, last night I had the first date with that man I met online.
Online and on the phone he was smart, and funny and adorable. I
think I said that before, but he is, so I'll leave it at that. I was
a little nervous, not that much when you consider I haven't had a
date in over a year. He called when he was in the neighborhood, so I
put Buddy, my attack poodle in his cage. Buddy barks at everyone and
usually goes and jumps on anyone who comes in the house. I didn't
want Buddy to interrupt our first face to face. He (the guy, not
Buddy) promised me a hug, but I wasn't sure if he meant right away or
later in the evening or at the end, so I wanted to be prepared.

When I opened the door, he was standing there with a red Rose wrapped
in some brown paper, We looked directly in each other's eyes, he
said hello. I think I mumbled something but I don't remember. He
gave me the flower, and a CD he made for me, and then he hugged me --
one of those long, solid, heart pressed to heart hugs, although I
noticed that the lower halves of our bodies were politely apart. I
wanted to hold him like this for a long time, it felt so good to be
in the arms of a man who knows how to hug, but I broke the hug or he
did or I don't know. I didn't want to hold him too long and have to
have him push me away. That would not have been a good beginning.

He came in, and I went to let Buddy out. I warned the guy (I don't
know if he wants me to use his name yet) that Buddy would bark and
jump, but when I opened Buddy's cage, he calmly walked over to the
guy and stood there waiting to be petted. Buddy has never done this
before. Does he know something I should know? Of do I already know
it and Buddy just picked up on my feelings? The guy said he loves
dogs and they like him. Well, Buddy did, anyway.

I tried to make some small talk while I put the rose in some water.
The guy told me you are supposed to cut the stem under water to
prevent any air bubbles from getting in the stem and blocking the
flow of water up[ to the rose bud. I never knew that, but I didn't
do it. I don't know why. I didn't want him to tell me what to do.
I think I was trying to hold onto some sort of defense and keep my
feet on the ground. To tell the truth, those first few minutes are
kind of a blur. We were small talking and I kept having trouble
finding the next word. Here I am, a strong woman, a writer to whom
words are comfortable companions, and now they were flying out of my
head but not out of my mouth. He was kind of grinning, and he said
that my forgetting words was probably just nerves. I could see he
was enjoying my awkwardness, but not in a one up, dominant sort of
way, like he knew he had the upper hand, but in a kind and generous
way. I like him. We kept making eye contact, more than most people
do when they meet. It was funny in a way, like we were two kids who
couldn't believe they were actually on a date with this other really
cool person. I know that's how he felt. I just liked looking at
him, looking at me.

In the doorway, as we were leaving, he stopped and kissed me, not a
big deal kiss, but a soft touching of our lips, lingering for only a
moment. It was nice and sweet. He said he decided that the Woody
Allen "Annie Hall" approach was a good one. He read that in my
blog. I have to decide if I want to keep giving him explicit insight
into my thoughts and feelings. It might make me hold back when I
write, and I don't want to do that. Maybe I shouldn't have told him
about the blog. We talked about that later, and he said he would
stop reading if if I asked him to. He says he doesn't lie, not
anymore, and I think I believe him. I don't know about the blog.
I'll have to think about that. Did I mention that I like him?

We drove off to Northridge Park where we were going to sit on a hillside
surrounded by families with all kinds of kid, eat our Chinese food
and watch Shrek. How's that for a different kind of first date. I
had suggested it, and he surprised me by jumping all over it. So off
we go to the park, but a few blocks from my house, he remembers that
I forgot the chairs. Sitting in the living room, near the door, my
collection of folding beach chairs for us to choose a pair from and I
forgot them. Ok, maybe I am a bit nervous (still forgetting words)
and just a little bit excited. The kiss, the flower, the Buddy
thing. He doesn't gloat about the chairs but I know he is really
enjoying the effect he is having on me. That's ok, I'll get him later.

After going back to get the chairs, we finally get to the park, sit
down, take off our shoes, and he offers me a plastic cup of red wine,
not a full cup but you know me with wine, it doesn't have to be
much. Against my better judgement, but without any protesting, I
take it. Good wine. We sit and talk, and eat, and drink till the
movie is about to start, then we lean back to watch it. Shrek is a
funny movie. I forgot how good it is. When the Gingerbread Man
says, "Eat me!" to Lord Farquard, we both laugh out loud. I am
relaxed now, and I think he is too. Maybe it's the wine but I don't
care. Not long into the movie he takes my hand, and for a very long
time we touch, and stroke and play with each other''s fingers. I
think Rori would approve, and I am enjoying it too. He also leans
over to kiss me sometime during all this. Another soft kiss but with
a little passion, and just a hint of tongue. This is a really good
wine.

I have to stop writing now, I'm having a flashback and I want to stop
and enjoy it.

Ok, I'm back. After the movie, we go back to my house and we go
inside. It was as natural as could be for me to bring him in, and
neither of us was looking to end the evening early. I put on his CD
and we go outside on my patio to talk and listen to his eclectic (his
word) mix of music that he thought I would enjoy. We have very
similar tastes in music. This is going very well, don't you think?
We sit on chairs, facing each other. I think I put my foot up on his
chair (not between his legs) and he got the hint and proceeded to
give my foot a very nice rubbing. He said he wasn't all that
experienced, but he was good enough. He reminded me about that
other guy who I went out with who did this, and then disappeared
(darn, he has been reading this blog) and assured me he was not
going to do the same. We stay like that for over an hour, at least as
long as it took to hear the whole CD. I liked his music, and I liked
his hands and I liked his lips. I think I already told you I liked
him. We got up to go inside and he hugged me again, a really long
one this time, and I felt wonderful, and he felt wonderful.

We were back inside, I made sure to point out my chair and a
half, a wide armchair with ottoman. He took the hint and invited me
to join him on it. I can't go into all the details now, but I will
say that he held me and we kissed, serious kisses now, and I snuggled
against him, and we did not have sex. He didn't even try to make it
happen. That's because we have this agreement that we made on the
phone before we ever met, but that's another story.

Around midnight, we said goodbye and he left."

The date from ........

He brought a red rose and a CD he made for me and Chinese take-out.

He drove us to the park for the premiere of Movies Under The Stars. We sat on beach chairs and watched Shrek.

He drove us back to my house and we listened to the CD. We sat on the patio in the dark, talking about meaningful things.

He kissed me and I had feelings I'd long forgotten.

....Heaven.

Do we really want a man?

So what is it that we are looking for? Do we want something as simple as Mikki says, a guy to hold our hand and watch the sun set? Someone to "be there" for us, whatever that means? Do we still wait for the prince on the white horse to awaken us and carry us to the castle? After years of bad marriages and desperate hours with strange men on bad dates and too many broken hearts, do we really want a man?

Sometimes, like on Mondays after work, I'd settle for a guy who would push my three big trash cans out to the curb. I gave up, around 1968, the idea that a man should save me from the wild spider in the house after my first husband said, "If you scream like that again, I'm never help you." And thus began my learning to do everything myself. For myself. My needs are simple. Sometimes I feel like changing my online profile to read, "independent and smart woman seeks hairy guy to spoon with at night."

After 14 months of not dating, I found someone I'd actually like to meet. He's smart, funny, caring, and rather adorable. On paper and on the phone. My friend Susan says, after reading some of his writings online, that he's a clone of me. My sometimes cynical and always lovely daughter says he's cute and witty - and probably 400 pounds. And I've agreed to meet him.

So where does one do this first meeting?!? I don't do caffeine, regular or decaf, so Starbucks and its cute tables are out. How about a picnic at the park? No, Bev says we have to go to a nice restaurant, be served, and see how he treats the waiter. A museum, so even if he is rendered speechless by my beauty or just a dolt in public, I can still see lovely artwork? Do I do what Woody Allen did on his first date with Annie Hall on their way to a club when he just stopped walking and kissed her to avoid the eventual awkward moment at the car or at the front door in the light with the bugs flying around? How about I do a Samantha from Sex and the City and just meet him at a local Days Inn and have sex first to make sure that his parts are in working order and that he knows what to do with them? Then, what the heck do I wear? I'm not even gonna start in on that one.

Clearly, it's a dilemma. Is it worth it, this anguish over a date? Maybe so. He might be that hairy guy who likes to spoon. I guess I'll never know unless I meet him.

I'm still drugged....

While I'm still in a drugged state, recovering from an incident with my lower back, I must write about some things that puzzle me. Or I'm puzzled because I'm drugged. It's hard to tell. The last time I felt like this was in the 60s and I was at a Doors concert. Those were the days....

Here goes. Why is it that I get email advertisements for "natural male enhancement?" I can gain "up to 30% in length, longer lasting erections, increased semen volume, all natural ingredients!" Hello, I don't have a dick! They ask "do you have a small penis?" No, I haven't even seen one for more than a year. Do you want "more cum volume and stronger ejaculations?" No, but I would like to actually have an orgasm some day, the kind where two people are involved. Or my favorite: "The benefits are: erections like steel, stronger ejaculations (watch where you're aiming), and up to 500% more volume (cover her in it if you want)." Ick, ick, ick. Who buys into this stuff? Do men really believe that this is what we want?!? Talk to us, woo us, treat us like a princess, be kind, be giving and passionate in bed - that's what we want. Kiss our neck, whisper sweet nothings in our ear, and act like seeing us is the highlight of your day. You'll be happily surprised at the rewards, I promise.

OK, 'nuff said. Had to get that off my chest. To end this on an upbeat note, here is an except from my "cute profile of the day" from Milt:
"Finally, as I grow older, wiser, and only slightly crankier,
I have come to appreciate the little things that can best be
appreciated when they are shared - a delicious meal, a beautiful
sunset, a bottle of Advil, and the fine art of napping. Of
course, those activities can be enjoyed with or without a partner,
but all things considered, 'with' is much better."

Ah, that makes me smile! Happy trails to all.

My turn as a patient.

Ouch. I hurt my back. At work. I just turned a little, twisted a little, bent a little and then, something snapped and I saw stars. Now remember that I work for a neurosurgeon and for years, actually decades, I have tended to people who have bad backs. (And brain tumors, but that's a different story that I hope to never have to tell...) So I hobbled over to the docs and said "I have to go home" and they kinda laughed and said here's some work to take your mind off and I said, "I can't work when I'm crying" and then I cried. Twenty-nine years I've worked there and never one tear. OK, sometimes I've cried when I gotten to know and love a patient who doesn't make it. And then, after my mom died, I admit I was prone to sudden bouts of weeping. But never a tear for myself. 'Cause I'm tough!!! Well, maybe not so tough. I did finish some work, saying "ow" everytime I moved an inch and then decided to go home. I guess men can't take tears so easily 'cause the docs really got serious when they saw them falling down my face. So, I go home, take some Vicodin and Soma, a lovely cocktail of meds, and lie on my bed and can't. I feel like Goldilocks and the three bears. "This bed is toooo soft...this bed is toooo hard...this bed is just right." My waterbed was out of the question, the couch was impossible, and my grandbaby Quinn's bed was "just right!" About then, the drugs kicked in and I couldn't care less where I put my body and then the room went blank and I was out. Ah, now I know why people take drugs. It still hurts, but ya just don't care.

That was yesterday and today I'm better. Or just drugged, I can't tell. Just to be sure, I went to my Chiropractor the "magician" and just like that, I can move without pain! He touches my neck and says "here it is" and makes it crack so loud that probably you all could hear it and then I get up and I can stand up straight for the first time in twenty-four hours! My neck fixed my back?!? And then I went back to work, took some more drugs, and hopefully didn't do anything to harm anyone. I was a little goofy, kinda silly I think, but I did try to restrain myself in front of my patients. Ah, drugs.

What's the moral here? I don't know. Maybe it's good to go through such suffering to remind myself of my good health. Maybe the adjustment saved me from greater injury later. Maybe it's a way to avoid thinking about men and my lack of them. I do know that sometimes I want one and then, maybe hours later, I don't. Gotta figure that out. But I think I'd better wait to do that until I'm off the drugs.....and I'm me again.