Loss, feelings, and moving on.

I had lunch yesterday with two girlfriends who just broke up with their boyfriends. I've just gone through it myself, so it was good to talk about it with others going through it at the same time.

We're each handling the break-ups differently. One woman is sleeping a lot, and she admits that she's avoiding the feelings, hoping that when she wakes up she'll feel better and ready for dating again. She says that she knew it was coming and should have done it sooner, but she's sad at the loss. The other woman is going at record speed in her social life, filling every moment with friends and parties and going-going-going, and she, too, admits that she is doing it to avoid the pain. Myself, I'm somewhere in the middle, alternating between keeping busy and holding still, not quite knowing what to do next.

It's sad to break up, and the loss is palpable. We mourn what could have been, how we met a great guy and thought this would be our last love, that it would be wonderful and easy and fun and go on forever. We picture ourself as old folks, still holding hands and laughing and it isn't going to be that way so we get sad. We get mad at ourselves for what we did wrong, even if it's just picking the wrong guy again or not paying attention to the obvious red flags. We have fear about the future, thinking we'll be alone or never find anyone else again to love us or for us to love.

It's important to feel the feelings, think about what went wrong, and cherish the fun and joyful times. Each person comes into our life for a time and we don't know how long or short that time will be, but there is a meaning and value to whatever time it is. I learned a lot about myself in this relationship and I'm glad to have spent a few months with a nice guy. No matter what, it's important to live in the moment, not dwelling on regrets or worrying about the future, enjoy the day and make new memories. So today I'm off to an extra yoga class and practice my new work-out routine and then, who knows? Maybe I'll take a nap or call some friends or read a book or check out a new movie. And enjoy the moment, as best as I can.

Profiles, psychics, and heat.

I'm single again and my girlfriends are doing their best to keep me company. I'm doing fine but I appreciate their efforts. Nothing as good for the soul as laughing with the girlfriends, for sure.

One of the girls invited me to her house for Sunday dinner and to show me the responses she's received from some guys online. She has a really nice ad posted with a really pretty picture and has received a ton of responses. She saved the weird, silly, and just plain awful ones for me.

One guy sent a really ugly picture of himself, like he was nose to nose with the camera and wrote I AM OLD AND UGLY, WRIGHT TO ME ANYWAY FOR A LAUGH. At least he's honest, huh?

Some ladies get upset when a guy reveals something unpleasant about himself right away when meeting, but I'm a firm believer that it's a blessing to find out these things before we get more involved. One guy did it in his first email to my friend: I can be difficult. I don't care much for new age, alternative, postmodern, or touchy-feely stuff. I read a lot about politics, technical crap, and wide variety of other topics. I don't believe in ghosts, spirits, gods, miracles, psychics, astrology, UFO's, or GWBush. I don't go out much, don't want to quit smoking just now, don't want to get dressed up, and don't particularly want to meet lots of exciting new people or go places I haven't been. And what exactly about this would make us want to meet you?!?

Some guys just come on too strong too soon, like this one that wrote: That, and all you describe sounds wonderful.I am a romantic man with a sensual soul in search of a paramour.I am a right brain/left brain renaissance man.A man who loves kissing and cuddling and sexual heat. peace and joy. Slow down, big guy, and take it one step at a time!

Some guys just don't know that there are certain things they just should say to us, like the very young guy who wrote: hi i love mature women who are slim and sexy.. own your sensuality.. A fact, young man, we ladies don't like to be described as older, mature, or any other word that infers our age. We know how old we are, but we'd rather you not remind us.

It was a yummy dinner and a fun time with my friend. Think I'll pass on the profiles for a while and take some time to myself. Would love to hear about YOUR experiences online!

Snouts, fairy tales, and sharing.

Ah, Girls Night Out! We Wow ladies went out last night for dinner and a movie and it was wonderful. It's so interesting how each gathering is different, as each time there is a slightly different group of ladies attending and the picture we create is uniquely us. Just as relationships should be, we learn a little more about each other each time we meet. One of the ladies has had a rough week, working hard and dealing with issues in her condominium community, but feeling empowered by taking action. Another is dealing with health and finance issues, but still manages to smile and hope for the best. Another has a son who teaches at a college where there was recently a shooting, and we all could feel the anxiety she must have felt waiting for news. Another just returned from a snow weekend with the kids and had a great time, but realizes again the need to take time just for herself. And we learned, for the first time, that one of the ladies had been shot by a boyfriend and spent five long months recovering in a hospital, being fed intravenously and dreaming of Pina Coladas on a beach. A lovely, warm group of ladies who shared and laughed and uplifted each other, something we women just naturally do.

The movie was "Penelope" and I was a bit perplexed about what to write about it. For sure, it was a delightfully whimsical fairy tale about a girl born with a pig's nose, brought on by an old family curse. (Many generations ago, a male relative had gotten a washgirl pregnant but married a blue blood, and the curse was put on a future girl baby in the family by the pregnant woman's witch mother.) So our heroine, the lovely and talented Christina Ricci, lives with the facial deformity, sequestered in her house by her mother, and has to endure scores of men brought to be her husband but who run from the sight of her face. Of course, there is a Prince Charming (the amazingly sexy James McAvoy) and I can't tell you more details so I don't spoil the twists and turns.

It was fun to watch, really fun, but there is so much more to the story in terms of morals and values and meaning. Such as some people see only our outsides, but we have riches of personality and character below the surface. Some people respond positively to our differences, knowing that it brings spice and even joy to their lives. And we need to love ourselves, really acknowledge who we are and love ourselves. Curses, as in life's difficulties today, can only affect us by how we view them. There was lots of food for thought in such a fanciful story.

But I asked the ladies what really should I write about the story, what really did we learn or gain from watching it? Being a fairy tale where the handsome prince rescues the lady is one of the things we learned as little girls and has haunted some of our adult relationships, how a real man can't measure up to that fantasy. Imagine being kissed by the scraggly, but immensely sexy James McAvoy who finally brings true love? You get the picture. But my very wise and beautiful curly-haired daughter, who joined us for the evening, said that it's that life is tough and having a few hours of watching a hopeful and joyful film is really a delightful break from reality, that we need time away from our daily issues to restore our spirits. For me, an evening with my women friends is a sure way to accomplish that, every time.

Breathing, stillness, and answers.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! Ah, Los Angeles, the weather is fabulous and, even if it's winter, it's like spring. I'm off today and usually have the grandchildren, but they're in Big Bear with the snow while I'm in La La Land, enjoying the balmy weather.

I'm in a bit of a peaceful place, which is amazing since I'm on the outs with the boyfriend, taking a breather to think about what is really going on and what it is that I want. I keep thinking about change, how it's so hard to do and so uncomfortable, but a life without it is not really living. I try my best to lead a conscious life, being aware of myself and what I'm feeling and what is going on at that very moment. There are many ways I do this, but mainly it's just holding still, being aware of my body and my surroundings, paying attention to my breath, and letting any thoughts pass right by without thinking about them. It's a zen thing, this living in the moment, and it's not easy - I was told by my first teacher that if we can be without thoughts for one breath, we are doing well.

So I achieve this, second by second, by meditation while sitting or walking, yoga, deep breathing, or even just focusing on something in the room, anything to give me one second or more of freedom from thinking. I remember years ago, when I had nose surgery and a cocaine-derivative was injected, that I had two days when the screen was white. Like all the chatter and confusion in my head just stopped and there was nothing there at all, just that white screen, and it was so peaceful that I thought this must be why people use drugs, to get away from all that chatter.

The real purpose of being quiet and in the moment is really more spiritual, to allow the truth to arise within in. It's like we have a dilemna and we think and think and ask our friends and read books about it and maybe even seek counseling, all of which are good. But then sitting quietly long enough, letting the thoughts pass us by, and just like that the truth speaks to us. Like magic, or maybe it's God or the Universe or some greater consciousness or whatever, but it's a peaceful resolution to what troubles us and, for me, always a path to calm and resolution.

In this troubled world, always being bombarded by stories of death and destruction, it's not easy to be happy and calm. Finding some way to stop the noise and be quiet inside isn't easy, but it's like a breath of clean fresh air or a visit from a long lost friend, a way to return to what's real and true. And even one moment of such peace is a blessing in our busy lives.

Sex and left-overs.

Are men clueless? From what I hear from the ladies, I think some guys might need a refresher course in how to please a woman. Here goes:

1) Sex starts outside the bedroom. Did you ever hear that men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots? This means that we are slow to warm up and get going. If you start foreplay waaaay before sex, like all the other times you see us, we will be warmed up and ready to go (almost) before we get into bed. Like holding our hand when we're walking, kissing our cheek during dinner, rubbing our arm, and any other thing tender physical gesture that can be done in public. Saying nice things about how we look or that we smell good counts, too. That all warms us up and makes it so much easier to respond to you in bed.

2) Don't hoard the stuff. When you have an issue with us, let us know right away or as soon as possible if we're in a public place or at our kid's house. Saving it all up and then letting us have it all at once is really not playing fair. That "I didn't like it when you...." and relating episode after episode weeks after they happened is not OK. Telling us at the time is good because it's real and happening and we can talk about it and use it to get closer to you, but later on it takes on a whole different picture, like we are being blindsided and can't remember what happened. Or saying "you seemed so unhappy with me when we went to ....." two weeks later but maybe we were sad about something that happened with a friend and it had nothing to do with you and you've been stewing about it for weeks and we're defenseless. You all talk on your profiles about "communication" so get busy doing it. It shows us who you are and we can respond immediately and clear it up so it doesn't grow into something that it was never meant to be.

3) Listening means not thinking, but hearing. When we are talking, it's your job to keep the spotlight on us. Every time you listen to us and then say something about you, it takes the spotlight off of us. Don't think when we're talking. We can tell you're doing that when you interrupt us to say something or have a response all ready before we're done. Listening is hearing what we're saying and asking for more information and letting us finish.

4) Keep wooing us. Remember at the beginning, all that chemistry? It was because we were both putting energy toward each other and creating some new chemical from that mixture. Think of fun things to do and make plans. This just "coming over" to our house gets old. Relationships are living things and require activity. Think about how much energy you put into your work or your hobbies or your sports and spend some of that time thinking about how to make things fun for us when we're together.

5) Ask for what you want. If you're not getting what you want, you have to tell us. Even if we guess, we could be wrong or completely miss the boat. If you want us to be more affectionate or to plan the next date or make you dinner or be more assertive in bed, you have to say it. I'm not talking about being critical, I'm talking about stating what you'd like. What's the worst thing that could happen? You won't get what you want, but you're not getting it now, so where's the loss? The best thing that could happen is that you get what you want, we know you better, and we are happier because we made you happy. Win-win for all.

6) Let us know you accept us as we are. Telling us what to wear or how to do our hair or that we're not as thin as someone else is demeaning and critical and damages the relationship. It's like my car. It's a Suburu. Telling it to be a Mercedes will have no effect. I bought a Suburu. You get what you buy. In a car and in a person. If you can't accept us just as we are, please move on.

7) Don't give us your left-overs. We know you have a busy life, but saying you can see us after everything else you do all week means that we are a low priority to you and we don't like that, nobody does. And calling to say that your other plans cancelled so you can see us means that we are that far down the list of what's valuable to you. Coming over exhausted and falling asleep at 8:30 at night on our couch is OK every now and then, but we get the picture if it's every time. Same goes for being late or talking on your cell phone or breaking dates or wearing sloppy clothes. We want to be important to you and giving us what's left of you after you do everthing else tells us that we're not.

What do you guys think? I'm willing to write a list of things that we ladies should remember about making you guys happy, so send me your suggestions!

Maybe the Prince is already here.

Fairy tales. Remember Snow White and Cinderella and how they suffered and then the Prince rescued them? We grew up with these ideas, believing that a fabulous man, with money and looks and charm, would come into our lives suddenly and create for us the life of our dreams. No struggles, no financial troubles, no relationship problems, just a house with a white picket fence, a few beautiful children, and bliss. That's what we learned as little girls and it's still haunting some of us.

Five of the Wowettes went out last night for a Girls Night Out to dinner and a movie. It's hard to find something as nourishing as giggling with girlfriends. We talked and laughed, we shared and we listened, we were sad and we were amazed, and we had a great time.

The movie, however, was a different story. We saw Definitely, Maybe, what I thought would be an amusing romantic comedy. This is the official introduction to the movie at A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Sounds cute, huh? And here are some critics' reviews:"...agreeable and engaging and real enough in the right smallish ways..." "Suddenly, unexpectedly, a Ryan Reynolds movie worth seeing."..."...will sprinkle its pixie dust over anyone who took their own circuitous path to true love." Sounds good, right?

OK, it was terribly overacted and completely predictible and almost irritating in its over-the-top cuteness. At least the three women stars were strong and not clingy, having their own careers and minds, which was unusual for a romantic comedy.
But what really got to us ladies was that it perpetuated the fairy-tale idea that the guy was the Prince, a handsome guy without flaws who would come back some day to declare his love for us. We ladies realized that we still carry around that idea, that the Prince is still out there and still perfect for us and we just have to stay thin and attractive and perky and he will appear. That no matter how fabulous our lives may be, we still need him to complete us.

I admit that I do have some of those old stereotypes in my head. I catch myself thinking that the guy should come up with great plans for dates, that he should find ways to bring excitement into my life, that he should be all the things I wish I could be but haven't become yet. And I find that men have flaws, that they don't always come up with ideas for dates, and they often lead lives that aren't exciting but routine. And sometimes I have found that disappointing, that they aren't going to whisk me off to Paris or fabulous live local events or introduce me to their stimulating friends and on and on. That they have lives that are the same week after week, going to work and having dinner with friends and seeing movies and the usual stuff. That they are real. Just like us.

So maybe that's better. There is something comforting about a guy with his feet on the ground, doing his job and keeping up with his friends week after week with no drama. And, really, I'm the one who has to create excitement in my own life and who has to become the person I want to become. We all bring baggage into every romantic relationship, no matter how healed and healthy we've become, so adding unrealistic expectations makes it even tougher. What's the answer? The bottom line is to love and accept ourselves first, really love our flaws and appreciate our beauty, before we share ourselves with someone else. Sometimes, we have to learn to do that while in the midst of a relationship, like I'm doing now, and it's a bear. But if you're lucky enough to have a really patient and kind guy like mine, be sure to share with him those struggles so he knows what's happening. And I wonder if a really exciting guy, the Prince who rescues you and takes you to his castle, would really be down-to-earth enough to be able to listen and hear and love us anyway. I vote we leave the Prince for the fairy tales and then maybe we'll realize our everyday guy is the real Prince after all.

It's not a coincidence.

I know I already wrote about the Conscious Life Expo I attended on the weekend, a bit of counter-culture that was good for the soul. I didn't write about another speaker, a young woman who was a life coach who spoke about synchronicity. Her name is Mindie Kniss who writes on her business card "positively influencing the collective consciousness, one life at a time."

It's an interesting concept, this syncronicity, the idea that there are no coincidences and that everything happens for a reason. The trick is to be aware of when it happens and be open to what it is teaching us. The audience told stories like receiving a job offer by phone at the same time as being told by a current boss that they were being laid off. Mindy herself was working for a pharmaceutical company in Africa and was about to be brought back to the states when she made the decision that she was going to work for only one more year and then devote herself to life coaching and writing. When she returned to her home post, she was advised the next day that the company was closing her office and that she had one year to choose a transfer or seek other work. That's synchronicity, that the universe is somehow managing our lives in positive ways, bringing things to us that teach us and push us and help us in our path to knowing ourselves better and leading more fulfilling lives.

Although I'm not religious, I've been known to say that there must be a God since so many things occur in my life that so obviously are meant to teach me something. When my mother was very ill and near death seven years ago, there were so many amazing things that happened to help me make her last months easier, like me being the only one to get right through to her doctors and people sending her flowers without realizing they was her favorite, to the only night I felt the need to sleep at her house and so was able to be with her in her last moments, even though I had no idea that it was about to happen.

And in my life, these things do happen, one after another,like I learn one message from one event and then the next situation is brought into my life to teach me what I need to learn next. When I formed the Wow group, I had no idea that I would be having monthly meetings and inviting speakers. The first dinner was so successful that I decided to do it the next month and meanwhile heard a relationship coach speak and invited her to the next Wow meeting and I've had free speakers almost every month since then. We've all enjoyed the speakers immensely, each imparting a different message about how to live more joyfully and successfully. But for me, it's like every speaker has spoken to something I was struggling with at that very moment of time, like some divine being cared enough for me to bless me with the message in my own front room, words that comforted or helped me solve a problem or were just the next piece in my own particular puzzle of life.

I used to think that life would get easy and that I would get to a certain age and the struggles would be over, but now I know that it doesn't happen that way. So I say thank you to those of you who help me on this path of healing and health, you who so graciously and generously share yourselves with me and allow me to share myself with you. May you all be aware of the synchronicities in your own lives and be joyful at the opportunity to learn and live more fully.