I had lunch yesterday with two girlfriends who just broke up with their boyfriends. I've just gone through it myself, so it was good to talk about it with others going through it at the same time.
We're each handling the break-ups differently. One woman is sleeping a lot, and she admits that she's avoiding the feelings, hoping that when she wakes up she'll feel better and ready for dating again. She says that she knew it was coming and should have done it sooner, but she's sad at the loss. The other woman is going at record speed in her social life, filling every moment with friends and parties and going-going-going, and she, too, admits that she is doing it to avoid the pain. Myself, I'm somewhere in the middle, alternating between keeping busy and holding still, not quite knowing what to do next.
It's sad to break up, and the loss is palpable. We mourn what could have been, how we met a great guy and thought this would be our last love, that it would be wonderful and easy and fun and go on forever. We picture ourself as old folks, still holding hands and laughing and it isn't going to be that way so we get sad. We get mad at ourselves for what we did wrong, even if it's just picking the wrong guy again or not paying attention to the obvious red flags. We have fear about the future, thinking we'll be alone or never find anyone else again to love us or for us to love.
It's important to feel the feelings, think about what went wrong, and cherish the fun and joyful times. Each person comes into our life for a time and we don't know how long or short that time will be, but there is a meaning and value to whatever time it is. I learned a lot about myself in this relationship and I'm glad to have spent a few months with a nice guy. No matter what, it's important to live in the moment, not dwelling on regrets or worrying about the future, enjoy the day and make new memories. So today I'm off to an extra yoga class and practice my new work-out routine and then, who knows? Maybe I'll take a nap or call some friends or read a book or check out a new movie. And enjoy the moment, as best as I can.
4 comments:
Ellen,
I think I'm with you on allowing myself to feel what may be happening emotionally. I've learned that allowing the emotions and feelings to be there and to work "through" them, rather than avoid them, has brought me to a much healthier place more quickly.
I'm married and in my fifties, so I can't even begin to imagine dating at this age. I've said often that if anything happened to my husband I would never marry again. It's likely I would not be interested in dating either.
It is too much work and sometimes I think I tend to wrap too much of my identity up into that man. This can't be healthy.
Maybe I still have something to learn about real love?
Darn it! I think I messed up my comment. Let's try again. :)
I was saying that I think I'm more in line with how you are approaching the loss of companionship. Rather than avoid, I've learned that if I allow whatever I'm feeling to be there, to experience it and just plain feel it, I am able to work through it and find myself in a healthier place on the other side.
In my 20's when I divorced, I knew I was going to grieve. So, I just holed up and gave myself 3 months to be depressed, sad and all the other emotions that surfaced.
When the grieving was over, I was done with it. It was behind me and I was able to move on and be well.
Though I am married now, I've always said that if anythng happened to my husband I would not date and certainly never marry again.
I'm in my early fifties now. I just can't imagine trying to start over again. It is too much work.
But, why is it harder!!
I thought that it would be a piece of cake, because anyone willing to start new, would want and create incredible.
I remember, well, the gift of a man that was present, mind body and spirit. Where did that go?
For the life of me, I cannot understand meeting people, that cannot be, online or off.
Party, please.
I think it's harder because we get so entrenched in doing things our own way on our own terms. It is not easy to give those things up.
When you are young, you are mallable and as a woman, at least, we seem much more willing to accomodate others and certainly our men.
At middle age? Well, it's not that I'm unwilling so much, it's just that I don't see the point or the need.
Yes, the love of another human being is wonderful and the companionship is really what it's all about. But, if the cost to acquire that seems too great, well, who wants to work that hard?
That's my assessment anyway.
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