Does a First Date have to be Horrible?

A first date. I'm not gonna say how long it's been since I've had one of those, but it's been a while. It's so easy to hide in my parties or going out with the girls, just be one of a group and there's just no pressure to behave properly or say the right thing or be charming. But I've got one soon so I'm doing research on what others think of it. I know a friend who recently went on her first date in a long time and her comment is that she'd rather stick a fork in her eye or have a root canal than do that again. But I like men, especially fine men, and I just think there's gotta be a way to make this not so anxiety-provoking.

So I put in "first date" and searched the internet for ideas about how to survive and maybe even have a good time and what do I find? Site after site with information for the guys! Don't people know that men don't read these things?!? On AskMen.Com, I found "7 Things Women Expect on a First Date." I was a little skeptical, considering that other articles listed on that site include: NBA Finale Matchups, How to make your name professionally, How to dump a woman, and 14 oral sex tips. OK, let's be open-minded, I tell myself. Some of the Seven Tips? 1) Go the extra mile- or two: Skip the flowers and bring her a copy of your favorite book or a bouquet of lollipops, 2) Be polite, not pushy: Chew with your mouth closed, open the door for her, avoid any stories that involve vomit or secretions of any sort (no matter how funny or appropriate you think they are), 4) Be complimentary - try to find something nice to say about her appearance, considering that she's likely spent hours primping and preparing, 3) Don't end the date with a high-five. OK, you get the picture.

Gotta think that grown men know these things, doncha? Then another men's site says that men equate "not scoring" on a first date to losing a video game and that they tell their friends this with a look equal to seeing "someone run over by a truck." It also tells the guys that "on first dates, women analyze every little thing their date does...that the way they handle this high stress situation, like do they sweat or fidget or stutter, is an indication of their character." In the same paragraph, it tells men that the only way to prevent a women from judging them negatively is to "make the woman comfortable, act natural, don't pretend you're something you're not..." And we ladies think it's tough for us!

I never quit. Another site said that a first date can be "very scary and intimidating...that our minds are overcome with fear and insecurities and we cave in to those emotions." Now I'm thinking, why in the world would ANYONE have a first date!!! It says we're "scared of rejection, afraid of failure, nervous about saying the wrong thing, and anxious about what our date will say about us...leading us to the most uncomfortable situation where we feel a terrible lack of confidence, all stressed out, angry and frustrated..." And we're supposed to "act natural." How is that possible? Why would anybody ever go out?

It goes on to say that inevitably, in the midst of this obvious horror story of a date, we will have "awkward silences" and that the solution is Conversation Starters! That having an "arsenal" of conversation starters makes it "very easy" to keep the conversation going, but listen to their suggestions!!! Talk about horror!!! "Has any book had a major impact on you? What was the best bargain you ever found? Who are your cult heroes and why? What would be the title of your biography?" Sorry, if I have to resort to questions like that, I'm gonna just stay home.

So what's the solution? It seems that having a partner and a lover is a natural need for us humans, but it also seems like getting one is a mountain much too hard to climb. I've had these singles parties recently and dozens and dozens of people tell me they're glad to meet new people and hope to meet the person of their dreams, so there must be lots and lots of first dates happening. I remember years ago, after dating a guy for long enough to get into bed, I thought that first time sex was so intimidating, all those body issues, performance issues, expectations, etc, and that it would be a good idea to just tell the guy to just get it over with fast and then we could go on to make it fabulous the next time. I wonder if first dates could be like that, tell each other that it's scary or whatever and get those emotions out of the way so that you both could enjoy getting to know each other. I'm open to suggestions.