Men, want a woman? Read this.

You don't get it.  We get it.  We know that you're all about sex.  That your drive for sex can be stronger than your drive for food. That you can only do one thing at a time. That you don't understand, "please take out the trash more often," but you do understand, "Please take out the trash on Mondays and Fridays."  We understand you like to belch and fart. We understand you don't hear understand hints.  We understand you aren't mind readers.   We understand you can't use both sides of your brain at once.  We know you love us and don't always know how to show it.  We know you don't care if the house is a mess, as long as your favorite chair is available.  We know you don't care if we cook gourmet meals or what brand of clothes we wear.  We know you just buy more underwear when you run out of clean ones.  We understand that you don't completely ever grow up.  But we love you anyway.

But really, could you just try, just for a few seconds, to understand us?  Why am I not dating, you always ask me?  Because you ask to meet me for coffee and then you don't buy my coffee.  Because you ask me out and your idea of a date is bringing over fast food and watching a video.  Or you don't listen to anything I say all evening, talk about yourself and your ex-wife and your life all night....and then you expect me to have sex with you.  This doesn't work.  For me.  Or for any woman with self-respect.

I did try to meet some guys by posting an online ad, again asking for some info about you, like where you live and what you like to do and what you're looking for and that you are over 50 and nonsmoking and to send a pic.  So who answers this ad?  I get a guy who is 30 who likes "older women."  I get a guy who goes on and on about wanting romance and love and, by the say, is in Africa right now but he'll be home soon and why don't I use his IM to contact him?  And I get a guy who just writes, "What size are your breasts?" 

And then I get the guy who just writes, "do you like boats?"  And I'm in a weird mood, so I write back, "Big boats?  Small boats?  Ocean boats?  Fresh water boats?"  And he writes back, "Lake Havasu."  And I'm figuring that, as much as I really do love boats, this guy isn't for me since he doesn't seem to have much to talk about.  And then another email pops up from him and I open it to read, "Delicious.  I like my women delicious.  I like to eat them all night."  I don't know his name, I don't know where he lives, and I don't know anything about him except he likes boats.  And how did this get from boats to my most private parts?  See why I don't date?!?

And then I read one more email from another guy and I think finally, just maybe, you guys have redeemed yourselves because he writes, "a bit about me:  50yo, 5-10, 165 lbs, in good shape from regular running/yoga/weights, single (divorced).  Ph.D. scientist, quiet, considerate, generally optimistic about life and appreciative of beauty when it can be found.  let me know if you'd like to know more..." And so I do write back, telling him that yes, I'd like to hear more about him and he writes, "I'm looking for a Renaissance woman. Someone who's aware of what's going on in the world and can discuss it over a beer or Malbec. Someone who feels good about herself and radiates casual charm and confidence. Someone that likes to do things like hiking, biking, going to museums and concerts. Someone who can laugh easily and find humor in most situations." So clearly, this guy is sounding better and better and I'm just about to write back and tell him that when another email pops up from him and it says, "Thought I'd give you a peek behind the curtain. Hope it's not too quirky!  I do bathe regularly and like a clean woman as well."  And there, right in front of me on the screen are not one, not two, but THREE pics of him in his complete nakedness, showing all of his assets from each angle, up close and personal!  NOOOOOO!

OK guys, this is the message.  You like, OK you love sex.  You need it.  You might really do it to anything breathing.  You can get turned on by anything, what you see or hear or smell. Or by nothing.  We know that. And, believe it or not, we love sex too.  But we are turned on by YOU, by your personality, by how you treat us, by your character, by how you make us laugh.  We are turned on by when you hold our hand, when you tell us we're beautiful, by how you kiss behind our ears or how you run your fingers on our arms, by when you open the car door for us, by when you listen to us and respond to what we say, by how you remember what we said we liked and get it for us for our birthday. When you bring us flowers or rub our feet or cuddle with us after sex or when there is no sex.  See, we fall for you because of who you are or what you do to make us feel special.  We need to feel close before we feel comfortable and desirous of sex with you. 

So don't send us naked pics. Don't talk about sexual acts until we're having sex.  We're women. It doesn't work that way for us. Get to know us.  Show us who you are as a person.  Make us feel important to you.  Do something every day or every time you see us to let us know you're glad we're in your life.  And then we'll want you.  And you'll be glad you waited.