Loss, hearts, and friends.

Another Wow meeting, another magical evening for all. We gather each month, maybe twelve to eighteen of us, women in our 50s and more, for potluck and speaker, but mostly for encouragement and friendship. And we are never disappointed. I love to watch as the ladies come into my home, one by one or in twos, carrying their delicious part of the meal, kissing and hugging me and each other, and introducing themselves to the newcomers. I watch and listen as my home changes, filled with the voices and spirits of these lovely women, joining together for an evening of laughter and growth, and I am always touched and moved by what happens.

This month was no exception. We had the pleasure of meeting Eileen Joyce, a Certified Coach and Grief Recovery Specialist whose card carries her phone number of 310-235-1086, her website address www.eileenjoyce.com, and the message "Speaking Through Your Heart." Her message was profound, yet simple, that all of us face loss in our lives, but that we often avoid experiencing the feelings that come with it, causing us to feel depleted and depressed. Other symptoms of not feeling our grief are having no energy to do the things we want to do, no motivation to make changes, being easily overwhelmed, and the inability to communicate with loved ones.

Think about how often we hear "time will heal all wounds" or "get over it," as if healing might come without any effort at all. Eileen says that grief is often a difficult topic to discuss, both to speak about personally or to listen to another's pain, so we often just pick up and march on, never feeling what needs to be felt so that we can move on to joy and passion again. We are told things like "don't feel bad" and we grieve alone, often replacing the loss with food, alcohol, or other relationships.

Eileen says that we have to talk about the pain, but we really have to recognize it first. She had us do an exercise where we talked to someone sitting near us, one person listening and the other telling of a grief they've experienced, and then switching roles. She asked us to listen and speak from our hearts, not our heads, and we each found ourselves experiencing feelings we might have otherwise avoided. The ladies around me spoke about how a close friend had recently avoided them and the pain it caused. I spoke about the death of my mother and then realized what I had most avoided grieving was that I no longer see my father who lives down the block, having made a decision to not put myself in the path of his life-long abuse one more time. And how it created ambivalent feelings, how I knew I was taking care of myself with this action but that I missed him and our times together.

It's just another magical night in my long list of speakers who I find randomly and who address my specific need at that time in my life. Hearing Eileen speak helped me to understand and feel the pain of the break-in and then connect with the feelings about my dad I had so long avoided. And, just to keep you up-to-date in my continuing saga of not-so-voluntarily getting rid of things from my past since the break-in, I did recover from the demise and replacement of the cable box, thanks to my wonderful son-in-law, but then realized that all the shows I had taped and treasured were now lost. But while I was being so happy that I didn't have to invite a stranger, like the cable guy, into my home while I am still a bit paranoid about my personal space, I went to fill a water glass for one of the ladies from that place on the door of my refrigerator and the thingy the glass pushes in to release the water broke! NOW, I have to let a strange refrigerator repair guy into my home and can just hear him saying "I have NEVER seen this happen before!" So thanks to the lovely and generous Eileen for her time and for sharing her wisdom with us, thanks to the ladies for their delicious food and charming company, and a hesitant thanks to the Universe for trying to teach me something. Can't quite figure out what it is, but I'm still moving forward, now learning to "feel and speak through my heart!"