Expectations, friends, and balance.

Expectations can cause problems. We expect people to act a certain way, we expect friends to do certain things, and we expect romantic partners to do even more. Some think that expectations are the downfall of relationships, that we should just enjoy whatever we get and not want more. I'm a believer in balance, giving and getting and over time it balances out.

I got an email from a friend who wrote that she is disappointed in me, that she wishes I'd do more of this or that, and that I missed the mark a few times she expected something of me. All that makes me sad, for sure. For me, friendships are give and take, that I give what I can or want to give and take what is given, and expect nothing else. I have one friend who has invited me on trips so I do my best to make the trip easier for her, like driving and cleaning the house where we stay and keeping her out of the kitchen. Balance, she does something and I do something else. I have a new friend who invited me to a movie this weekend, our first time out together, and I picked up the movie ticket since she is unemployed and drove her car to my end of the valley. She gave and I gave and each was different but it seemed to balance.

When thinking about this, I realized that I have very limited expectations for friends, that I accept what is given, but that I have much greater expectations for romantic partners. I have a whole list of how I want them to behave, what I want them to give, and how they should act, and I really expect them to live up to those expectations. So just then, I received an email from another friend who is like a sister to me but she is very, very busy and lets me know when she has a few hours free to meet me for a bite and I honor that. I invite her to family events and accept whatever time she gives me gratefully, never expecting more. She is married to a guy I adore but could never live with, but it works well for her. A few months ago, he told her he didn't want to invite any friends into the house for a few months, that he wanted privacy and the ability to watch his favorite sporting events without interruption and she honored that. I heard that they were hosting a few couples this weekend and thought he had lifted his no-company dictum, but it turned out he had invited some couples out to dinner at a nice restaurant, paid the bill, and apparently had a really nice time. The couples had invited them to their house for dinner and now he invited them out to a restaurant, so they did different things to honor their friendship but it balanced out. Nicely.

So, again, we give what we want to give or can give and it might not be exactly what the other person gives but there is a balance. Sometimes I feel moments of disappointment when friends don't support some of my events, but then I realize that they don't have to do that, that they honor me in other ways and I should really just appreciate their efforts in giving in their own way. I like the idea of having no expectations, of each of us giving to each other in different ways, and wonder if romantic relationships would benefit from this policy. It might actually make life more interesting, not expecting others to do exactly what our script dictates, but giving us something of their own making, something unique to them that shows us that they care. Sounds good to me.