Options, questions, and love.

I like to understand things. The meaning of life, how men think, what should I do with my life, why is the sky blue? I try not to struggle with these issues and live fully in the moment, but I have a questioning mind and sometimes I just wonder about all of it. I think I have some things figured out and then I realize I just don't.

Like this dating thing. I have one friend who tells me to date five guys at once so that I won't get attached to the "wrong" guy and will keep my options open. I have another friend who calls me when her husband is behaving badly and tells me how lucky I am not to have a man in my life. I have another friend who, after four years of dating one guy and never knowing how she stands with him, is finally hearing him talk about how they could sell their respective homes and live together. I have another friend who just decided not to date anymore at all, how she has been much happier in her life when she is single and not looking for a romantic interest. But then you can see from my previous post about the party that many of us still want to make connections, to find "the one." And I don't know the answers again.

For me it's a mixed bag. I love that feeling of excitement when I'm with someone I care about, how I am happy when I see his name on my phone caller ID and that feeling in my gut when I open the front door and he's standing there. I like the giving and the taking and getting-to-know a new person. But then relationships like that make me see myself more clearly, both my healthy places and my wounded places. I was told a long time ago that relationships are meant to rub off our edges, that being close with another person makes us better and healthier and more confident people, but that process can be difficult and painful as we face those places in us we don't like to see but become obvious when we get close to another person. And that realization can hurt.

I met a guy recently who says that a good romantic relationship can make him feel "safe, warm, appreciated, cherished, and loved" and I know I'd like that. Yet, I've seen only a few long term relationships in my life that are happy and fulfilling and free from pain. Still, I like to think that a good relationship can be a safe place to fall, a sort of neutral zone where we can temporarily put aside our anguish about life's tragedies and just live in the moment, experiencing our senses and feeling loved. A place to laugh and giggle, even though the economy is bad and the war rages and life can be tough. Maybe I should just stop thinking so hard, just enjoy whatever life brings, and not shut any doors. I'd hate to miss something wonderful.