Love, cement, and freedom

I'm home from work and on drugs. I hurt my back and no, I don't know how I did it. Yes, I work for neurosurgeons and I asked one what happened and he said "no one knows" which wasn't so helpful but he did inject some stuff into the spot where it hurts and it helped a little. So I've been on drugs and putting ice on it and lying down for the past five days. Feels like life is passing me by, like there's all these things I should be doing and I'm not and I've missed the window to do them and that's that.

So I've had some time to think, which sometimes is good and sometimes isn't. I'm too much of a thinker, I've been told, so I've spent considerable time and effort learning to live in the moment which is not a place where there's thinking, just being, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and I guess that's just life.

I've been thinking about how we pick mates that fit an old and likely subconscious pattern from our childhood. I have a friend I've known since we were pre-teens whose father beat her and told her she was stupid and ugly and she's spent her life picking mates just like her dad, like that's her idea of love, someone who abuses and belittles her. I'm in a relationship with a guy who treats me respectfully and kindly and I often feel like running away, like it's not comfortable at all to be with someone so nice to me. I'm used to men who I fear and who I hold at arm's length so they can't get to me to hurt me, so this guy is very different and it's not comfortable. I said that already, but it's hard to put it another way. I think probably many of us pick the same kind of guy over and over because that's what we know as love, even if it's awful and painful and demeaning, we just learned that's what love looks like. So when we meet someone who is different and treats us well, it's difficult and very, very much out of our comfort zone.

I have a very dear friend, like a sister to me, who had a childhood so much like mine that we could have been raised in the same household, with parents who belittled and where there was little or no nurturing or protection, and we both have a hard time picking good men. We are picky, very picky, and maybe that's one way to keep them away, could be. She gives an analogy that I've never heard but it just so right-on, that it's like cement poured around us. The cement is pliable when it's first poured, like in our childhood when we first encountered destructive behaviors from our supposed loved ones, and then the cement hardens as we get older and we'd need something like a jackhammer to get it off of us. It's not easy, this recognizing what we do, our reactions are so subconscious and triggered by something very deep inside us and often stuff of which we are not aware, so our actions and reactions are just automatic. She says that most people just go on doing the same thing, never realizing the roots of their reactions, and never changing or growing past them into reactions that will bring life and health and relationships that are loving and good. She says I'm very brave to confront this issue and I appreciate her kind and uplifting words.

I'm at that uncomfortable place, knowing that I'm reacting from my past, very aware of it, yet finding it so very tough to do the opposite, to counter that knee-jerk reaction and be a person who allows this kind and loving person to be close to me. I didn't learn much about life from my mother, my role model, except that men are to be feared, and I internalized that reaction at an early age and the cement has layers and layers and layers and I can't imagine finding a jackhammer strong enough to break through it. I have a therapist who helps me, but it's like there are so many hardened layers and I have so many years of reacting the old way that it seems almost impossible to break through, cast aside these fears, and allow myself to follow a different path.

I share this because I imagine that I'm not the only one who faces these demons and maybe those of you who wonder what keeps you from attracting someone who loves you in a good and rich way might want to think about this, how your old fears that you don't even recognize are keeping you from happiness. And, as much as I know in my head what I'm doing, it's almost like I am up against that brick wall, that hole full of concrete that I can't get past to do the right thing. OK, I'm on drugs, so this might not make the most sense, but do any of you relate to this? I'd be interested in hearing how you got through this heavy wall, this stony ground, to be free enough to allow someone good to be close. I'm in bed with nothing to do, so write away, tell me how you conquered your fears. I'd love to hear it.