I've heard from so many of you women lately, especially those married for a long time and now divorced, that you may not want to have a man in your life again. You've gotten over the bitter divorce, are on the path to healing the old wounds, and are creating the life you always wanted. You are happy with living alone, delighted at your freedom, and fear going back to unhappiness and being controlled and losing your identity.
But does it have to be that way? Aren't we women who have grown and changed and wouldn't we attract someone respectful of who we have become? Couldn't we create a new relationship that is fulfilling and joyful and allows us to be fully ourselves, our new selves? Can't we attract a man who finds this new us to be utterly delightful?
Not if there is a war going on. Not if we fight them for power. Not if we refuse to be feminine and soft. Not if we have to win. Not if we are so afraid to return to our old selves that we won't let someone be close to us, to let them "in." Remember the psychologist Dr. Toni Grant? She wrote a long time ago about us "Amazon" women, that we deeply fear the submersion of our personalities when bonding to men, thinking that such bonding means attachment which requires surrender and transformation of our identity. To us, she says, this really means losing our identities, that which we have worked so hard and long to create. To Dr. Grant, however, surrender in love means victory, the embracing the totality of one's feminine potential, of opening oneself up to a man with complete trust and faith, becoming more than one was before.
Just like everything else in life, we cannot enter such a relationship timidly or holding back. But either do it or don't, there's no middle ground. Love cannot exist with fear. We have much to gain by allowing ourselves, this new fabulous woman we have become, to fully participate in a new love affair, one that will enhance our lives and bring us the joy and fulfillment we missed the first time around. Surrender ladies, and create something amazing.
2 comments:
thanks for tackling such a controversial subject, Ellen! You are so courageous...
I personally don't feel as though my desire not to remarry is about fear. I actually enjoy the way my life is set up. Can't we have both a warm, nurturing, emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship with a man AND independance? I think so!
I don't think (for me, at least) that I am "afraid" of losing my identity in a relationship, I feel I value and treasure being on my own. I get to choose what I do in my life, and at this point, I don't want to compromise and have to live with someone else's dirty socks on the floor, or snoring, or irritating mother when I don't want to.
The value to me of independance (TRUE independance) is that I can choose.
thanks!
Jessica
my applause......!
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