No, I don't make these up!

It must be the wind or global warming or that I'm a year older, but it's been a strange week. I woke up on the weekend (alone, thank you) to find a large clumping of my roof shingles on my patio. That's not good, you know, they're supposed to be up there. And yesterday, I looked out at the back yard and noticed that the fence on the south side was in a new location. Sort of leaning toward the grass. Again, not a good thing. Not to worry, it's just a roof and a fence. And money.

But then, there's more of those emails, those weird attempts of strange men to entice me with the most unappealing missives. Here goes:

1) "I am not looking for a long walk, the newspapers all over the bed on Sunday or a snuggle but someone with a good sense of humor." Probably be a good idea for you to get one first.

2) "45, slim, attractive, has all his hair. Green eyes and tends to like older women 50+. Will do most anything a 50+ woman wants. Including housework, windows, dishes, laundry, and anything sexual that she demands of him." You do windows? This guy might be a possibility.

3) "'IF U LIKE WHAT YOU SEE THATS A START HIT BACK N ILL MELT U WITH IDEAS. PLZ SEND PIC BACK LOOKIN 4WERD2 HEARING FROM UUUUUUUUU" No, sorry, I can't date a guy if we don't speak the same language.

4) "What do you like to do for fun/dates? people describe me as being romantic, poetic, charming, wild, passionate, sexual, direct, persistent, sweet, athletic, caring, intelligent, and have a good sense of humor. What's your favorite position? Are you good at sucking? What's your breast size?" Trust me, you'll never know. Never.

5) "I read your profile and I like you so far. Me, I am 46 years young, 6'5", 262 pounds white guy. Don't want to brag or anything like that but I am as sexual as they come. I can go forever and basically cum whenever I want. Let me know if you're intererested." No, sorry, not interested, you're just too tall for me. And too clueless. And too icky.

No, I don't make these up, I'm not that clever. Or creepy, I hope. But at least you guys make it easy for me to write this blog, especially in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. And to the guy I actually met who taught me how to understand football and confided to me that "I'm looking for a woman who asks nothing from me but to whom I want to give everything," you're a delight. And I promise not to ask you to do windows.