Rori Changes My Life

I was just beginning to think, maybe it's all too much work and maybe the girls are losing interest and maybe it's not worth the effort. But then we met last night and it was fabulous! We had a great dinner (thank you, Heather), the ladies were their lovely selves, we met a new delightful new woman Roseanne, and then we had a speaker, Coach Rori (www.CoachRori.com) and My Life Changed.

How often do we have those treasured moments, if we don't live in fear of them, when someone teaches us something that shakes us to the core?!? Rori did that. Her idea is that we have female energy and men have male energy but that we don't honor it. We women are so used to being powerful and assertive and taking charge that we forget to let the men be men. OK, it sounds like "the rules" or evangelical Christianity where the women are submissive and the men are "in charge" but it's not. It's about not doing so much work, sitting back and allowing men to rise to the occasion, allowing men to enjoy pursuing us, allowing ourselves to be pursued.

I think of how I have learned to be like a man at work, how women sales people come in and the women apologize for intruding and the men never do and the men clearly ask for time with my boss and the women again say how they know he must be busy and they could come back and how I learned to act like a man, not apologizing or explaining myself but just acting tough and in control and without feelings.

So, being "womanly" doesn't mean giving up my brains or my ideas or my needs, but sitting back and being soft and sweet and feminine. Boy, did I fight with that idea - it's almost like Rori was speaking another language and, at first, I couldn't comprehend what she was saying, that her words didn't make sense to me. Then, she described how we work sooooo hard to create and keep a relationship and I thought of all the times when guys didn't act like my picture of how I wanted them to be and I would sort of subtly coerce or urge or convince them that my way was better. "Wouldn't it be better it" or "Have you thought about doing it this way?" or any other way of making them "see the light." The thought of relaxing, not talking so much, allowing silences in which the guy has the time to speak - ah, that sounded right.

So tonight I called a guy who had called me several times and I hadn't returned his calls - I wanted to practice what Rori had taught. I took a few deep breaths, sat on my patio and back in the chair, and decided to let him have room to reveal himself to me, let him find me appealing by my lack of aggression, and allow silences without trying to fill the time. And it was a delightful conversation during which I learned that he was a kind, intuitive, thoughtful guy who really listened and remembered what I said. When there was a pause or silence, I didn't rush to fill it, but waited and then he talked and I listened. I had been afraid that I would be a shrinking violet and passive and dumb, but I really felt calm. I wasn't trying to convince him that I was fabulous, I just allowed myself to respond to him and speak my mind and be real. I did my best to be in the moment, just listening and not thinking, and it was a peaceful, fun, and actually enriching conversation. I felt better about myself when it ended and, unlike the other times with other guys, didn't spend the next hour or so second guessing about what I should have said or wish I had been more charming or wondering how he felt about me. Rori had said that, if we relate on a feeling level, we would attract a guy who felt a pull toward us and clearly he wants to meet me and said he felt that we had already met and that he was "enchanted" by me. I was not worn out by trying to be something or someone, I just felt better for having spoken to him. Golly, I just can't wait to read Rori's book!