The Ferris Wheel Perspective

I went to the Ventura Fair this week, a "Fair with an Ocean Breeze." I had a great time. I went with my daughter, my 4-year-old twin grandchildren, and another mommy and her twins. Lovely to see the world through the eyes of such innocent little people. The picture is the view from top of the Ferris Wheel ("we'll be verrrrry brave, gramma," said the twins) and it reminds me of how we can see life in different ways, from different views, colored by our preconceptions or expectations.

For me, life has been a journey of coming to know myself, learning who I am and what do I like and what do I stand for. I grew up listening to and believing the views of my parents and siblings, people who needed to see the worst in others and who didn't realize or care that we, especially as children, tend to live up to the expections of others, whether they be high or low. So I've had to recognize these old messages, like I'm stupid or that I wouldn't amount to anything or that I'm unloveable, and contradict them with affirmations, like I'm smart and I'm valuable and I'm loveable, in order to love myself and have peace.

And we can't love others unless we love ourselves. So we date and we have lists of what we want in a man and we meet one after another and we find something wrong with each one. They're not tall enough, they don't have enough hair, they don't make enough money, they don't say the right thing at the right time, and on and on. We find reasons not to let them love us, not to let them into our hearts, and we move on to find something wrong with the next one, all the time yearning for that special someone to love and to love us, to give us that priceless gift of being known for who we are and being loved for being just who we are.

I like to read the blog Dating Goddess: Delicious Adventures in Dating over 40. (http://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/ The writer is bestselling author of workplace effectiveness books, speaker and management consultant who has appeared on Oprah, 60 Minutes, National Public Radio and USA Today. Single after a long marriage, she writes about her experiences in dating. In her most recent post, she writes about the book Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40by Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam and says "I found this to be one of the most interesting books on midlife dating I’ve read in a long while. It is co-written by a matchmaker specializing in people over 40 (Gloria MacDonald), and a couples therapist (Thelma Beam).

Here are the facts from the book:

1) Think there are lots of men out there? In the US and Canada, at age 45 there were 12 single women for every 10 single men. At age 55, there are 15 single women for every 10 men in this age group, and by 65 there are 10 men for 25 women.


2) Think that the guy should make the first move? Midlife women often say: “I’m not making the first move,” or “He has to work hard to win me,” or “I’m not returning his call. I don’t call men.” While this mind set may have worked when they were in their 20’s when there were more men than women, and the woman was in her prime, now in her 40’s, 50’s or 60’s few men will work as hard as they did then. They just don’t have to, as there are more women to choose from. Not that a woman should be easy, but she shouldn’t insist he jump through so many hoops he’ll be pooped.

3) Does he have to be tall or have all of his hair? Midlife women also seem to be picky, their requirements often based on their ex or departed husband, without really a sense that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. The majority of women say they want someone over 6-feet tall. Did you know that only 14% of men are 6-feet tall? Only 9% are 6′1″? Women of all heights say they want — in fact many say they require — a man who is at least 6-feet tall, even if she is under 5′10″. 45% of men aged 40-49 have some hair loss; 55% of men 50-49; and 65% of men 60-69. Asking for all his hair is like a man insisting that a women has no gray in her hair, or doesn’t dye her hair. It cuts down the options dramatically.


4) Do you require that the guy be “slim, slender, fit?” The data shows that 75% of people aged 45-74 are overweight. So if you insist on this, you’re eliminating three-quarters of the population.

5) Want a guy with lots of money? Women often say they want a successful man, stating they want someone who makes over $100,000/year. Even if their ex or late husband didn’t, or if she makes one-third of that. In the 45-64 age group, only 9-10% of men make six figures.

By no means am I saying that we should give up our values or pick someone who isn't a good fit. But, if we spend time getting to really know ourselves and to really love ourselves, we will be more likely to pick a mate based on the really important things in life, like the quality of his character, the depth of his compassion, and the size of his heart. We are all drawn to people who are confident and who seem to be comfortable in their skin. If we are happy and content with our own life and we have grown past our heartaches and bitterness into people who care about others, we will attract someone similar.


The Dating Goddess wrote an earlier post about what to wear on a first date to "build rapport" and talked about showing cleavage or not, dressing provocatively or not, and I wrote a comment that said, "What to wear? For sure, something comfortable and something that I feel good in. What else? A big smile, a cheerful attitude, a kind spirit, and an open heart! That’s what draws a man to us, I promise." Let us be people who love. Ourselves first, and then a fabulous mate!

A Special Place - A Guest Post by Kathy Keane

To my loyal and new readers: Please enjoy this guest post by my wonderful new friend Kathy Keane:

Love and Marriage

I went to a wedding last night. I'm always amazed at how my life works. I have a new friend who I met by recently inviting some women on Match.com to join Wow. It's hard to make friends at our age, really hard, like where would we meet them and probably they don't have time for someone new and how much would we have in common? But, lucky me, I have several new friends and I really like them a lot and already they have enhanced my life in special ways. So, one of these ladies invited me and my new boyfriend to come to the wedding of her son and I was delighted. First, that a new friend thought enough of me to want me to join her at an event so close to her heart. Plus, I thought it would be fun for me and the new BF to go to a dress-up event and socialize and dance. And it was.

Having been married, not so happily, and then divorced, I have a lot of mixed feelings about weddings. It's hard to be optimistic about a new marriage, considering my past and how many friends have been badly divorced and the statistics and all that. But I wanted to go with a joyful attitude, so I spent part of the day reading "Courage, My Love" by Merle Shain, a "meditation on the very nature of love itself." She writes about our yearning for love, our need to make up for love not given to us as children. We seek and find love, only to want someone else, or we find love and it fails us, so we leave and blame the other person. She writes that we think love is supposed to "make us feel whole and happy, rich and beautiful and even thin, and if it doesn't we think we married the frog instead of the prince and take steps to trade him in" and that we "expect a lot from love - often a lot more than we expect from ourselves." She quotes Mark Twain who wrote that love is "the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval." Her real premise is that we look to love to validate ourselves, to prove we are OK, to prove that we are valuable and loveable, but that it is "your own love you are looking for, not anybody else's" and that we can seek and find who we think is our perfect mate, some who "sees the person you want to believe you are" but that "if you don't give yourself approval, they won't be able to do anything much for you, no matter how much they try." She writes that there are three stages to love, starting with that "Some Enchanted Evening" experience in which we bring all our hopes and expectations from the past to the present, and that often these have little or nothing to do with the person we have just met, but is more a figment of our imagination. She writes that romantic love is an "infirm thing, made from equal parts of hope and fraud...call it an opiate, a petition, a malady, it is not anything of love." The second stage is when we realize that we are both human, that we have flaws, and that we aren't the fantasy we created ourselves to be, so we often abandon each other, saying "what did I ever see in him?" The third stage is an honest view of the reality of the person we have found and who has found us. And that, creating a "we" requires that we keep the "I" alive, knowing that the person isn't a illusion we have created - "it's often easier to flesh out someone with your own creativity and fall in love with what you've made, the real joy is understanding and accepting and loving what you find."

So I went to the wedding feeling grounded, knowing that I have learned what Merle writes from my own experiences, that to love and be loved requires authencity, really being ourselves which again requires knowing ourselves. And that love is not just a feeling, because feelings come and go, that that it is a verb, an action, and intention. It requires being invisible, allowing our real selves to be seen, trusting that the one who loves us as we really are will be patient while we continue to grow and even give us credit for trying even when we don't get it right.

Still, I was not sure whether the couple entering this commitment understood this reality at all. It was a lovely wedding and my friend was glamorous and beautiful and joyful, surrounded by her happy children and friends. And to my great pleasure, it sure seemed like the bride and groom, even in their youth, had created a love that was based on friendship and liking each other and respecting each other. From what I could see and hear, they really knew each other well and had a great appreciation for the wonderful qualities in each other but also desired to see the other succeed and grow to be better people.

And me? I had the best time! I was so happy to see my friend joyful, I was thrilled that her date was a friend of my new BF and that she'd met him at my last party, and I was happy to be part of such a lovely and touching experience. But most of all, I was happy because I'm finally with a man who knows me, the real me, and seems to think I'm pretty terrific. And he dances!!! Ain't love grand?

Is love in the air?

Some of my new girlfriends are dating guys they've met at my parties. That's soooo cool. And I'm still dating the same guy I met at the Concert in the Park. Even cooler. I get emails every day from friends asking how things are going, what's he like, where's it going, and how do I feel about him. Women like to hear about these things from their friends, almost like the warmth of one relationship warms others who hear about it.

It's hard to write about this one because it's so good and I don't want to jinx it. He's kind and thoughtful, he still brings me flowers, he says really nice things about me, and he keeps showing up. He plans things, he asks to see me, and he's sexy. He took me to a party over the weekend with women I thought he was sure to find attractive and, just when I was feeling like I wasn't in my league, he said to me something like "how is it you are the prettiest women in the room?" He continues to express to me in words how much he values who I am and names what he perceives are my good qualities. He makes time for me, he encourages me, he listens to me, and he expresses his gratitude for what I do for him. He calls me during the day just to wish me a good day and he tells me that he feels better just hearing my voice. I feel happy with him in my life and I like who I am around him. He's becoming a good friend. There's nothing wrong. Is that wrong?

I remember that Sex in the City episode where Carrie was dating Aidan and was upset that everything was so good and she complained to her girlfriends that it was too perfect. Like a relationship can't be this good and, if it seems to be, there really must be something wrong. How does that make sense? I know, I know, I know that it's early in the relationship and that there are bound to be issues that cause grief, even if it's only reacting to something when I'm tired or if he pushes an old button or if I give in to my insecurities, but so far I'm living in the moment and commited to just enjoying him. This is good, right?

And I continue to get emails asking who else has met someone from my Parties so I'd like to put it out there and ask those of you who connected with someone you met at a Cocktail Party or the Concert (or anywhere else!) to write to me about it. What's he or she like? How's it going so far? What do you like about him or her? How has this been different than meeting online? Email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com or push the comment button below and write away. Inquiring minds want to know.

Sex, Chocolate, and Other Cravings.

Some-

times I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. So I turn on the TV and watch some of the infomercials, which are seriously way too perky at that time of night but I'm always fascinated at how they advertise a new book or a new seminar that will cure all your ills or make you rich or attract the perfect mate if you just call them with your credit card number. I don't believe it, sorry, life is never that easy.

So I invited Darlene Basch LCSW with the topic "sex, chocolate, and other cravings - how to lead a satisfying life." But Darlene I do believe, so let me tell you why. Of course, dark chocolate is a drug, or a combination of 300 substances, that can act like caffeine or amphetamines, increasing our dopamine and seratonin levels, creating a feeling of well being. Which, of course, can be addictive, and she says that it is mostly women who find themselves craving chocolate. There are also health benefit since dark chocolate has antioxidants like berries and black and green tea that decrease our risk of heart disease, lower our blood pressure, and strengthen the cells in the lining of our blood vessels. But it's important to ask ourselves "what are we craving and what need are we trying to satisfy?"

Apparently, cravings silence the part of the brain that controls judgement. Repeatedly indulging in what we crave further intensifies the craving, as the brain remembers the pleasurable experience and the cravings become unconscious. But the cravings are usually out attempts to fill our needs for affection, human contact, and unmet longings from childhood. And chocolate and other cravings and addictions don't meet these needs, no matter how enjoyable the pleasure is temporarily.

So if chocolate, sex, and other cravings don't bring real satisfaction, what are Darlene's steps to leading a satisfying life?

1) Be in the present - focus on what's happening at the moment.

2) Get to know yourself - explore your passions. Ask what makes your heart sing?

3) Eliminate repetitive, negative thinking - each time a negative thought comes up, reframe it in a positive way.

4) Write in a journal - Use paper without lines and a flowing ink pen and make entries in times of upset and times of joy.

5) Say affirmations - create a short list of positive statements about yourself and repeat daily while looking into a mirror.

6) Do physical exercise - take vigorous ten minute walks three times a day, go to the gym, take yoga classes, hike or dance.

7) Connect with a supportive friendship circle - speak or meet daily with at least one person who encourages you to move forward.

8) Live in gratitude - each morning when you rise and/or before going to sleep, write down or say out loud three or more things about which you are grateful.

9) Participate in meaningful activities - Volunteer. Make a difference in your work place, your community, your family.

These are all suggestions we've heard before individually, but Darlene has put them together to make this complete list of how to live a conscious, grateful, and giving life. We have only this one chance to enjoy life and make the world a better place and Darlene has given us the steps to make it happen. I liked Darlene immediately with her gentle manner, her everpresent smile, and her kind and thoughtful words. Being happy is a decision and Darlene's steps are a path. You can reach her at her website http://www.transformationaltherapy.com/ or email Dbasch@aol.com!

And how to have a satisfying sex life? Can't forget this part! Darlene says to eat dark chocolate before sex, of course. And, contrary to what I've read and heard, Darlene says to be present for ourselves. Yes, if we seek to make sex good for ourselves, we will communicate more about what pleases us, and this will encourage our partner to do the same. She also said that we can love with an open heart and open pelvis, with the feelings flowing from one to another, which is how we are in the beginning of a romantic relationship. If we feel betrayed by the other person, or if we carry memories of betrayal from past relationships into this new one, we will retreat and stop the flow between the heart and the pelvis. The point is to find someone, and be someone, who will continue to be open to both.

Darlene ended our presentation with a five minute meditation. We relaxed. We got in touch with our selves and our bodies, connected with our hearts, and visualized spreading love throughout the world. Thanks to Darlene, we know that chocolate has health benefits, that we should find out what we are trying to fix through our cravings, that we can stay open to love each other, and that we can bring peace and love to each other and the world. Thanks, Darlene, for your generous gift of your time and of yourself - you have helped us down our path to be better women, lovers, and human beings.

My heroes!

Happiness is an inside job. I've heard that. We have control over our happiness, I also hear. Someone close to me said that we have to be happy first before someone can "make" us happy. Smart guy. Martha Washington said, "The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition."

So I have these parties. I invite lots of single people our age to meet at a local club to meet and dance and mingle. We had one last night, my 5th party. I ran out of name tags, there were so many people there. I look around and watch the party create itself as more and more people come through that door, some nervously and anxiously, but all brave enough to try something new with new people in a new place. Really courageous, these single people who tell me story after story about themselves, these stories that are so like the others I hear, these stories about suddenly being single in their 50s and not knowing what to do, where to go, how to dress, how to act. Stories about facing something they never dreamed would happen to them, being widowed or divorced at this age, looking toward their future thinking they might be alone.

So these very brave people come to my parties. And sometimes it gets the best of them, their fears, and they have a tough time having a good time. But at least they show up. Others just talk to people they don't know, dance with strangers, talk to more people, and laugh and smile and just look like they're enjoying this night of being social, this rare time of being in a room of people so like them, in such similar circumstances, and feeling good about themselves for being there.

So I say a big hearty "good work" to those of you who come to my parties and do what it takes to have a great time and make it fun for everyone else. A huge thank you to those of you who take the time to find me and tell me how much you enjoy the parties and are grateful that I create them. A big hug to those of you who tell me that you enjoy reading this blog and that you benefit from what I write. Another hug to those of you who email me saying that you had a good time and that we all made you feel welcome. You are all my heroes, you brave single people, for dressing up and driving over and parking your car and walking into this room of strangers, hoping to have a good time and maybe even meet someone to make your life happier. You've taken charge of your lives, you look for the good in every situation, and you walk through your fears. And, in doing so, you make life a little better for those around you. Bravo!

Meet more Party Hosts!

Here are two more ladies who will be greeting you at the Party on Saturday July 21st! (If you want to attend the party and need details, email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com)


This is Pam. She is a Wowette and author of a recent guest post "Goldilocks in the City." Below is Gail, her friend, who volunteered to help Pam welcome you to the Party!

Pam writes:

Gail and I met when she was coordinating education programs for a 'major medical center' and I was teaching nutrition classes. We became closer friends when we moved on beyond the hospital. We reunite with our former hospital friends frequently over group dinners, music concerts and more. Our youngest children attended the same University. We camp together once a year with a group of 50 other friends in Big Sur. We have shared frequent side splitting laughs and have been there to wipe the tears too.

Gail works for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society and lives by the beach. She loves to swim and enjoys riding her bike. She has participated in a century bike ride (100 miles) for LLS Team in Training. She has 2 grown sons. One son is biking the coast of CA this summer in support of the Leukemia Lymphoma Society and will start pre-medical school work in the Fall. Her older son is on tour this summer with the American Idol road show.