The Ferris Wheel Perspective

I went to the Ventura Fair this week, a "Fair with an Ocean Breeze." I had a great time. I went with my daughter, my 4-year-old twin grandchildren, and another mommy and her twins. Lovely to see the world through the eyes of such innocent little people. The picture is the view from top of the Ferris Wheel ("we'll be verrrrry brave, gramma," said the twins) and it reminds me of how we can see life in different ways, from different views, colored by our preconceptions or expectations.

For me, life has been a journey of coming to know myself, learning who I am and what do I like and what do I stand for. I grew up listening to and believing the views of my parents and siblings, people who needed to see the worst in others and who didn't realize or care that we, especially as children, tend to live up to the expections of others, whether they be high or low. So I've had to recognize these old messages, like I'm stupid or that I wouldn't amount to anything or that I'm unloveable, and contradict them with affirmations, like I'm smart and I'm valuable and I'm loveable, in order to love myself and have peace.

And we can't love others unless we love ourselves. So we date and we have lists of what we want in a man and we meet one after another and we find something wrong with each one. They're not tall enough, they don't have enough hair, they don't make enough money, they don't say the right thing at the right time, and on and on. We find reasons not to let them love us, not to let them into our hearts, and we move on to find something wrong with the next one, all the time yearning for that special someone to love and to love us, to give us that priceless gift of being known for who we are and being loved for being just who we are.

I like to read the blog Dating Goddess: Delicious Adventures in Dating over 40. (http://datinggoddess.wordpress.com/ The writer is bestselling author of workplace effectiveness books, speaker and management consultant who has appeared on Oprah, 60 Minutes, National Public Radio and USA Today. Single after a long marriage, she writes about her experiences in dating. In her most recent post, she writes about the book Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40by Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam and says "I found this to be one of the most interesting books on midlife dating I’ve read in a long while. It is co-written by a matchmaker specializing in people over 40 (Gloria MacDonald), and a couples therapist (Thelma Beam).

Here are the facts from the book:

1) Think there are lots of men out there? In the US and Canada, at age 45 there were 12 single women for every 10 single men. At age 55, there are 15 single women for every 10 men in this age group, and by 65 there are 10 men for 25 women.


2) Think that the guy should make the first move? Midlife women often say: “I’m not making the first move,” or “He has to work hard to win me,” or “I’m not returning his call. I don’t call men.” While this mind set may have worked when they were in their 20’s when there were more men than women, and the woman was in her prime, now in her 40’s, 50’s or 60’s few men will work as hard as they did then. They just don’t have to, as there are more women to choose from. Not that a woman should be easy, but she shouldn’t insist he jump through so many hoops he’ll be pooped.

3) Does he have to be tall or have all of his hair? Midlife women also seem to be picky, their requirements often based on their ex or departed husband, without really a sense that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. The majority of women say they want someone over 6-feet tall. Did you know that only 14% of men are 6-feet tall? Only 9% are 6′1″? Women of all heights say they want — in fact many say they require — a man who is at least 6-feet tall, even if she is under 5′10″. 45% of men aged 40-49 have some hair loss; 55% of men 50-49; and 65% of men 60-69. Asking for all his hair is like a man insisting that a women has no gray in her hair, or doesn’t dye her hair. It cuts down the options dramatically.


4) Do you require that the guy be “slim, slender, fit?” The data shows that 75% of people aged 45-74 are overweight. So if you insist on this, you’re eliminating three-quarters of the population.

5) Want a guy with lots of money? Women often say they want a successful man, stating they want someone who makes over $100,000/year. Even if their ex or late husband didn’t, or if she makes one-third of that. In the 45-64 age group, only 9-10% of men make six figures.

By no means am I saying that we should give up our values or pick someone who isn't a good fit. But, if we spend time getting to really know ourselves and to really love ourselves, we will be more likely to pick a mate based on the really important things in life, like the quality of his character, the depth of his compassion, and the size of his heart. We are all drawn to people who are confident and who seem to be comfortable in their skin. If we are happy and content with our own life and we have grown past our heartaches and bitterness into people who care about others, we will attract someone similar.


The Dating Goddess wrote an earlier post about what to wear on a first date to "build rapport" and talked about showing cleavage or not, dressing provocatively or not, and I wrote a comment that said, "What to wear? For sure, something comfortable and something that I feel good in. What else? A big smile, a cheerful attitude, a kind spirit, and an open heart! That’s what draws a man to us, I promise." Let us be people who love. Ourselves first, and then a fabulous mate!