So we finally meet the guy or gal of our dreams and then what? I've read books and blogs and heard lectures and seen relationship coaches, but they all talk about getting the guy. Where to meet him, what to wear, what to say, telephone etiquette, how to lean back and let the guy be the guy and etc. and etc. and etc. But who actually talks about what to do then?
I've heard that we get "settled in our ways" by this age, that we claim to want a relationship but we want it on our own terms. I favor the Woody Allen method. Not marrying a step-child, of course, but that we live apart but close and see each other whenever we want or don't see each other when we don't want. Or we can buy a really, really, really big house and have separate places to hang out in the same house, but I don't think too many of us have that option.
I have to admit that I might have what someone else might call "bad" habits. I like to wear sloppy clothes around the house, stuff that is clean and not stained but is baggy and comfortable. Guys like lingerie, you know that itchy stuff that costs a fortune and turns them on so you get to wear it like a minute and then they ask you to just take it off. And I like to watch TV, stuff that I TIVO and might be embarrased if anyone knew, like reruns of shows I've already seen or shows that are just silly or B-movies. What if the guy doesn't watch TV and wants to do things together, all the time? What if he wants to watch sports or the history channel and you don't? Got a house big enough for two TVs and lots of space in-between? And sometimes I like to eat junk food and read all night in bed and leave my clothes on the floor and not wash the dishes. So there.
And if you're not living together and you're spending a lot of time together, do you have to be together every minute you're together? Can you say you just want to be alone or read or veg out if he's come over to see you? And we women sometimes wake up in weird moods, like we talk and talk about what to do about a certain problem and he helps us to make a decision and we wake up the next day and have a totally different opinion - isn't that going to drive him nuts? Or that we women are soooo giving and nurturing and kind and want to just make everything so nice and then sometimes we just want to be selfish and be a queen-for-a-day and not do anything for anyone - how does a guy cope with that? Or that something bothered us and it takes a week or two or more to get the courage or the words or whatever to actually tell him about it and by then we're really emotional and talking really fast and not making sense - how is he supposed to handle this?
I know, I know, that men are not such fabulous people to always have around. Sometimes they leave all the planning up to us or they bring us flowers at first and then stop once we have sex or they get moody or insecure and react to stuff we do like it's one thousand times bigger than it really is and we're supposed to soothe them and make nice, even though we think they're crazy. And sometimes they stop saying nice things to us, like how they like to be with us or how pretty we are because we must already know this and don't realize that we really have to hear that every day because what they said yesterday doesn't really transfer over to today and they don't want to do that. Or they drink too much or don't take showers enough or stay out late with the guys or complain because the restaurant is expensive when they just bought the newest really expensive gadget.
Listen, I'm in the beginnings of a pretty nice relationship with an amazing guy who is kind and thoughtful and sexy and calls me at work to say he's thinking about me and still brings me flowers and makes plans and really acts like he cares a lot. But I just wanted to remind us all that the effort doesn't stop when the Prince kisses the Princess and wakes her up, that the stuff afterward is real and sometimes tough and that we have to be very self-aware of what's going on inside of us so that we don't get mad at the other person when it's really just that we are feeling insecure or need some time alone or haven't really told them what's bugging us. It's not always easy to be with another person, to be vulnerable, to let them see the "real" us, all the while being considerate and kind and looking for the best in them - but I have a hunch it's worth the work.
3 comments:
So wonderful to have a man that is there, and not this new drop in dating thing.
If memory serves, you learn the dance together.
It kind of makes you, your best you, when someone you love, is watching.....
All that you said is true. But it even goes beyond that to what if what you really want to do is something he either doesn't get or feels bad about or just doen't think you should do, and doesn't even ask you why. It's so much easier when he just can't see those things at all....then no problem. I really don't want him to tell me that he doesn't approve of how I shop, or spend time with my crazy family or any other thing it might occur to me to do!
....how interesting, I had never thought of this stage, or, phase......hunter
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