I am Woman, hear me roar!

My daughter wants me to watch a new AMC show on TV that is set in 1960 in the advertising industry. My beautiful curly-haired daughter is 36 years old and is fascinated and amazed at how women were treated then, how the men held all the power positions and the women were the secretaries and were treated openly as second class citizens and sexual objects. I remember working in a doctor's office in those years, never seeing a female pharmaceutical rep and that there were really only one or two female docs in practice.

Times have changed. Women are still not always making the salaries of men in equal positions but they are in every job, from police oficers to leading their own companies. But I and my friends were raised in the 50s, typically by often frustrated women who knew their "place" as dutiful wives, taking care of the children and feeling quite limited in what they could accomplish. And then came the '60s and the consciousness raising and women burning their bras and being vocal and believing they, and their daughters, could be equals with men and achieve whatever careers they desired. They believed women could "have it all."

Just like any political trend, there is a movement from the far extremes of the position, and then a settling in the middle somewhere. Women now realize that they really can have it all, but that it sometimes requires not really doing everything as well as they would like and sometimes living with extreme stress from trying to make it all work. And, strong women that they are, they're trying to find a way to not necesssarily have it all, but to balance what they want to have.

And those of us raised by those '50s moms sometimes still hear their voices in our heads and sometimes we act like them without realizing it, being meek women who subvert our desires and dreams for our men. I've been learning to live a conscious life, being aware of what I do and my motivations, which is not always pleasant since I have to own my actions and be responsible for my reactions. I realized last week that I have been kinda waiting around, being available for the boyfriend, not making as many plans of my own in case that would be a time he had available for me. I'm just amazed seeing this in print, realizing that this strong and modern and independent woman was acting like her mom of fifty years ago! I found myself getting a bit depressed and then figured out that I was being that second class citizen myself, believing that his time was more valuable than my own, waiting for any left-overs that were given.

So I picked myself up, summoned my courage, and told him what was happening, that I was not willing to be a lesser priority than his other activities, that I wanted to be considered first sometimes and that I was not going to accept anything less. I always wanted a relationship where I could really be honest, where I could say to the guy "I love you and you're being a jerk," where I could really ask for what I want and set boundaries and make my needs and expectations known. And not settle for less. There's always that fear of loss or rejection, of course, but this time I didn't let that hinder me at all. Just said it, nicely and without accusation or blame, but just let it all out. Just told him who I was and what I wanted. And, of course, he really had no clue because I had been this nice and giving and tolerant girlfriend and he was surprised. But maybe not so surprised, since my honesty is something he values.

So what happened? Did we get into a fight, that endless and agonizing "you never....and you always...... and you don't......" Did he just withdraw or leave? OK, being the amazing guy he is, he just listened and listened and didn't say a word until I was done. And then he said that having a relationship as honest and caring as ours was very, very important and valuable to him and he appreciated knowing what I wanted and that he had a great desire to create balance in his life and would certainly take my needs, now that he knew them, into consideration.

What are the lessons here? It's important to be real, to be truly who we are. It's important to keep in touch with what's going on inside of us and stop when we have that churning in our guts and figure out what's really going on and what is triggering it. It's important to own our feelings and our reactions and not just blame the other person for the problems. It's important to be willing to take this risk of being transparent, to really show each other who we are and what we want. This happened to us just at that three-month point, where the honeymoon is supposed to end and the reality takes its place and the relationship either goes forward or ends. I'm happy to say that we had a really nice long weekend together. I was willing to take the risk of loss to be true to myself and it worked out great. I recommend it. Be real, be honest, be kind, be vulnerable. We're not our mothers, we really aren't. We may have some of their lovely qualities, but we don't have to live with their insecurities or fears or meekness any more. We are strong and independent and bold women of the millenium and let's not forget it!