Men, communication, and Keri

Creating a relationship is like painting a picture. Each of the members of the relationship paint a part of the picture and add or subtract to the picture each time they have an encounter. Their mood, their behavior, their interactions all add to the colors and scene of the picture. The Wow group is that way, a continuously changing scene, full of bright colors and lots of motion, representing who is at a particular meeting and the personalities of those present. We had a Wow meeting last night and the picture was full of pastels, soft and easy on the eyes, lovely to view and creating a mood of fun and warmth for all.

Our guest was Keri Newell of www.cantdatewithoutit.com. When I booked her to speak, I was impressed by her enthusiasm. The joy she feels for her work shined through, even on the phone. In person, she was the living model of beauty, full of life, a good listener, and a smart and compassionate teacher. She joined us for our potluck dinner, sharing stories of her life and listening to ours with an understanding ear. She was like an old friend, and one who brings joy and spirit to every moment.

Keri is a dating coach and I'll bet she is really good at what she does, helping men and women to be more successful in their quest for companionship and love. She spoke about the differences between men and women, how men think and focus on one thing at a time and women have "diffuse awareness," seeing the whole picture at once. We've all heard about the woman wearing some fabulous lingerie but unable to take the man's attention from the game on TV, an example of how we try to communicate with our guy at a time when he is unable to take it all in and then feel hurt when it doesn't work. So, to communicate with a man, we must understand how he thinks. How simple is that?

Not so easy, really, especially for us women who have jobs where we hold power and are in our 'masculine' and then have to switch to our 'feminine' in our romantic lives. It's not that we have to give up our power or be passive, but we need to allow our men to be the providers and protectors they long to be, to 'take care of us' even though they know we are perfectly able to do it ourselves. After days of being in charge, giving orders, and keeping our employees on track, we are supposed to not "suggest, teach, advise, remind, or train" our guys at all! We are supposed to allow them to rise to the ultimate maleness by giving admiration, which is verbal, and appreciation, which is in our actions. And we all know that men love to solve problems, that when we share with them our troubles or vent about the day's issues, they immediately want to "fix" it by giving advice. Keri taught us to let them know, very nicely and kindly, that what we'll be needing from them is a compassionate ear and some hugs or cuddly only. And to do it without an attitude or body language that suggests anything but courtesy and kindness.

And for fun, Keri taught us a flirting technique. How many times are we in a room, like in line at Starbucks or picking out fruit in the market, and we see a cute guy we'd just love to meet and we're paralyzed? Her suggestion was to make eye contact for five seconds (one-one thousand, two-two thousand) and at three, we are to smile and hold the smile. Of course, the guy will look around, thinking you are checking out someone else, but then realize it's him you're interested in. We're to wait for him to make that move to meet us, no matter how around-the-block he does it and then respond to his conversation. Since some men think that rejection will cause them to stop breathing and melt into the floor, this is a brave move for them and they will likely start the conversation with something inane or stupid, but it's our job to go with it and be kind and wait for the scary moment for him to pass until he is able to breathe again and speak intelligently.

So the meeting was a delight. The Wow ladies are so different and diverse, but we come together and share a common bond, being single ladies in our fifties trying to navigate life and dating, greatly enjoying the pleasure of our women friends. Keri was a bright light, a lovely example of a woman learning to know herself and grow and then to impart this knowledge to other women. She teaches in a way that is easy to absorb and understand and I'd love to take her six-week seminar. She gave to us freely and enthusiastically and we are all better women for having the privilege of meeting her. Thanks, Keri!