Movies and real life.

There's a movie I've been wanting to see for months. I read about it months before it came out and I've been watching for it and waiting and I saw it tonight, probably the last night it would be in the Valley. While waiting for the movie to come out, I've been going through a bit of an emotional upheaval, dealing with some long repressed old stuff, like peeling the onion and finally getting to the core.

What brought this up was that I had been feeling angry, like mad at people who are close to me, and I was surprised. I'm not an angry person and people often comment on my calmness. So I sought the counsel of a therapist who knows me well. She took me on a imaginary journey to a place where I could feel safe and I realized that I never expressed my anger at things that happened as a child, that I have held it in all these years, like I feared what would happen if I really felt all those emotions. There was more to it than this, but suffice it to say that I feel like a load was lifted from me, that the scared little child inside me who often interferes with my daily life has been quieted and that I'm feeling strong and confident and peaceful.

So what does this have to do with the movie? I saw "Lars and the Real Girl" and it was amazing. (I'm going to give away some of the plot here, so stop reading if you don't want to know.) Basically, this very shy and withdrawn man buys a life-sized plastic woman and treats her as if she is real. He falls in love with her and the townspeople, one by one, go along with this delusion. Turns out that he used this doll to help him face the sadness he felt as a child, losing his mother as a baby and being raised by a heartbroken and withdrawn father. Gradually, he was able to let her go and return, or come for the first time, to real life and allow himself to face his longings and feelings.

So the moral here? Neither Lars nor I realized we were carrying around unresolved feelings from so long ago, so I imagine there are more like us out there, wondering why we do what we do and why our relationships don't succeed. I just want you to know that finally facing these feelings was a life-giving experience, very uplifting and positive, both in the movie and in my life. So courage to all of you. Cry and laugh and let it all happen and see who you really are, under it all. I believe you've love what you find.