What is my truth?

Yes, yes, I haven't written.  Is my lack of something to write about bad or good or neither?   I'm really coasting, actually enjoying work some of the time, seeing a few friends each week, spending at least one day and maybe night with my grandchildren each week.....and enjoying listening to the stories of my BFFs who have recently met men they consider pretty great.

I really would love to post the pics of the kids, the amazing lego spaceships and cities they've created, the fairs we've recently attended, and the silly rides they've laughed through at the local events.  And I will.  But what I can't stop thinking about is something I heard this week on Dr. Phil.  Yes, I watch Dr. Phil.  I tape it and, when I get home from a hugely exhausting day at work and crash on my comfy sofa, I lose myself in Dr. Phil and disappear into his stories.  Not the icky shows about violence or drug addiction and stuff like that, but the more watchable shows about how people handle what life throws at them.

He's got this weekly Tuesday thing going on where Dr. Phil Housewives get together to figure out their issues.  Pretty annoying, I must admit, like chalk on the blackboard some of them, but mostly it's thought-provoking to hear their stories, how they get stuck in lives that I think I couldn't tolerate, lives that I'd just run away from, yet they're caught for years in their particular cycle of pain and lack of happiness.

There's this one young attractive woman, successful in her own business, but totally unsuccessful in finding a mate. She went through a bad break-up over one year ago and hasn't dated since, so Dr. Phil set her up with a nice guy and she proceeded to spend most of the date being negative and verbally pushing him away.   She had no clue what she was doing, but it was so obvious to us viewers and the other housewives.  Rather than teach her what to say and how to act and what not to do, Dr. Phil talked about what it was in her past that made her need to self-sabotage and destroy her chances of finding what she wants most in life, a husband and children.  His question was, "What is your truth?" and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

It seems we hold a truth about ourselves that influences our decisions, our actions, and our reactions to what happens in our lives.  This particular woman had been raised by a father who made it clear he didn't like her or want to be with her, so she spent her life feeling rejected or rejecting others before they rejected her. She was doomed to repeat this pattern unless she recognized her "truth" and took steps to change it.  Think of the difference between having parents who encourage and adore us versus parents who criticize and humiliate us, never letting us know by words or deeds that we are special and loved.  It's easy enough to recognize that I was raised by a father who was a bully and a mother who was too intimidated to defend or protect me, but what indeed was the message I internalized from my past that affects my every action today?  I need to know.  It feels like this is maybe the last piece in the puzzle of my freedom from my past.  I'm searching, meditating, asking the universe to help me understand my own "truth".  Do you know yours?

Dating with Dignity - Imagine!

Another Wow meeting, another fabulous time!  We had the privilege of meeting Marni Battista, founder of Dating With Dignity.  A summary of Marni from her website states, "I have a Masters in Education, am Certified as a Life Coach by the International Coaching Federation, and am also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment — “The D-Factor” that helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are, or are not date-able, and what types of messages they are UNCONSCIOUSLY broadcasting to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes. I am also trained as a Facilitator and Mentor Trainer by the Hoffman Institute, a world renowned leader in personal development."  


In Marni's case, these words describe her credentials and viewpoints, but hardly begin to describe her vitality, her enthusiasm, her spunkiness, and her courgage.  How I enjoy meeting a woman who is so beautiful inside and out, who really has a grasp on what makes relationships work, and who expresses herself so fearlessly.  After years of emptiness, she ended a marriage of privilege to begin a path of working with a therapist and quickly realized she was destined to repeat her past over and over unless she grew and changed, creating a life she loved and finding dignity in all areas of her life.


Translate this, then, into helping others, and Marni created a process to help women and men clear away the "crap," the baggage one carries from one relationship to another that hinders and even prevents finding joy and peace.  She starts with a "dating ability assessment" that helps people understand their own energy.  Are we negative, are we feeling like victims, do I have to fight to be right and won't settle for less?  She teaches her clients to take responsibility, to stop blaming, to give up self-doubt and unforgiveness and resentment and instead find the opportunity in the difficult, by asking, "what can I do" to make this different.  We all have limiting beliefs we carry around and thus attract partners who fit those neuroses.  Her coaching finds out how our past affects our present and teaches us "SBA" - stop, breathe, ask what's really going on - the very foundation of living fully and consciously and in the moment, allowing us to be "as connected to your authentic self as possible on a date."


Can you tell I adored Marni? I love, love, love to be with a woman who is smart, isn't afraid to speak her mind in a room where her views might not be understood or appreciated, and still believes in herself and her work.  Her upcoming courses are "How to Increase Your Attraction Factor Man Panel Event," "Breaking out of your Romantic Rut," "Your Total Dating Game Plan - Who You Want and How to Get Him," and "Dating with Dignity's Winter Relationship Rejuvenation Retreat."  You can see her website at Datingwithdignity.com or call her at 310-880-2476 or email her at Marni@Datingwithdignity.com.  I can only imagine the positive changes her work can bring to those who are willing to grow and change.


So a big hug and thank you to Marni for sharing herself with my Wowettes for an evening and to my Wowettes for bringing me a yummy potluck and their always sparkling company. There is hardly any more fun and nurturing than a room full of amazing women. xo 





p.s. Our very own Patt and Karen form the Sentimental Journey, a singing group that will be presenting an evening of "Music and Yummy Dessert!" on Saturday November 6th at 8pm at a club in North Hollywood.  If you want to join me and my Wowettes in what I know will be a fun, delicious, and amazingly musical evening, please email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com.

My delicious weekend.

Yep, feeling better, alive, enjoying my life.  Still, I keep hearing from my friends that I "should" be dating.  I agree that it would be pretty cool to have a great guy for company, in and out of the bedroom, but it's just not happening lately, so I thought I'd share what an attractive and eligible single girl over 50 does in LA to have fun on a weekend.

I do admit that it wasn't such a terrible week at work.  My boss was relaxed and even cracked some jokes and, drumroll, ended the week by saying good-bye to me and asked, "we had a good week, didn't we?"  I was speechless, this coming from a doctor who rarely if ever notices our needs or what goes on around him.  And then I had the pleasure of meeting a good friend, the one who works in another doctor's office and totally understands my work-day angst, for a yummy dinner (and marguerita for me and dirty martini for her). Really, there's this bond we women friends have that cannot be matched by even the coolest guy.  We just "get" each other and that kind of understanding and support is priceless.

And Saturday?  A 90 minute hike with my 7-year-old twin grandchildren in Aliso Canyon, an amazingly natural land hidden in the midst of our big suburb north of Hollywood.  Up and down we walked on the hills of the trail in surprisingly cool weather after a week of 100+ temperatures, stopping for the kids to swing on ropes across a   now dry creek or to check out horse poop and figure out who matches the animal tracks.  We're walking and walking and the little girl is way ahead and the little boy behind me, enjoying his newly found branch that he uses as a hiking stick and we're having this discussion about what is the difference between a bunny and a rabbit when, really I'm not kidding, a cotton-tail bunny scampers across our path. Never saw another one the whole time, but heard a great variety of bird calls and saw lots of wildflowers tucked between the blackened tree limbs from last winter's fire. A change of clothes and a big drink of cold water and then we're off to lunch with another very dear friend who enjoys the children and clearly they adore her.  Plus I get the pleasure of watching them have conversations with her about their week, the girl's first sleepover at a friend's house, and the little boy taking his role as brother very seriously by gently poking and pushing her while she talks, giggles, and then ignores him.  Aaaaaahhhh, there are no troubles in the world when in the company of those wonderful little people and a girlfriend I love and appreciate more than words can say.

And Saturday night?  Karaoke!  Without any of my usual single girlfriends, I met up with a new and struggling singles group and formed a singing group I named "The Girls" so any of the ladies in the crowd could join in.  And we sang for two hours!  Picture Motown and Neil Sedaka and Broadway tunes with four or five or six of us "girls" moving and grooving and singing to the music.  Oh, no, I'm not a singer, nor have I ever participated in Karaoke, but this was really a blast.  Me and my new friends finished our evening after Karaoke by sitting on the restaurant patio, listening to a live band sing songs from the 60s to the present.  Brave me, I went up to the guys during the break to tell them how much we enjoyed them and found out that one guitar player was older than me and the singer was my daughter's age and together they were grand.  Need a really cool band for a party?  Call "Last X" at 323-360-2469 or email them at lastexit1@live.com.

And there's more!!!  Slept in until 7am on Sunday morning, leisurely did some household chores and made my favorite hot cereal for breakfast and then drove to Burbank to usher with three friends at the Colony, a wonderful little theater tucked into the Burbank mall near an Ikea.  It may be a small theater, but the plays are professional and full of heart and this one is no exception.  Titled "Free Man of Color" from the theater's website, "A stirring drama about one of the first freed slaves to graduate from an American university — and he did it almost 40 years before the Emancipation Proclamation. Based on a true story, Free Man of Color explores the life of John Newton Templeton, a fascinating but forgotten figure in our history. A young African-American scholar, he learns in the course of the play that with freedom comes great responsibility and that his future is not as obvious as the color of his skin. Winner of the Joseph Jefferson Award for Outstanding New Work in Chicago, Free Man of Color speaks to the humanity in us all and reminds us that true freedom is derived not from the law but from determining our own destiny."   Then, a walk through the mall and dinner at Pasta Pomodoro, a little but amazingly good Italian restaurant where I ate butternut squash stuffed ravioli with the most delicious sweet topping and a side order of spinach grilled in virgin olive oil and garlic. It hardly gets tastier than that.  A walk back through the mall with a quick stop for a free See's candy for dessert and then a twenty minute drive back home to feed the cat, get into my jammies, tidy up the house a bit, and then crash in front of the TV to watch Drop Dead Diva.  Pretty cool Sunday, huh?  Oh, I almost forgot that I started a thread on my facebook page, saying "I want (need) to take a vacation - anyone want to go?" and surprisingly I got quite a few responses already, saying plan it and we will go!


So would a great guy fit in?  I'd make the room for him, I promise.  But I'd sure not give up those totally memorable moments with my grandchildren and my women friends.  Never!

Fashion and boogie boards.

Things are looking up.  I still wish I were retired and could go to the beach or read books all day or see every movie that comes out or travel the world, but I can't and that's it.  I do think I'm coming out of a long, long funk since I went to a dance party last weekend and really had fun and went out to a really enjoyable dinner with one of my favorite guy friends last night and I'm feeling pretty OK with work. I even have a dinner planned next week to meet with a prospective new employer and another with a guy who leads another singles group and wants to brainstorm some new ideas about getting our groups together for some activities. Did I mention my new purple couch?

I have always had to work, even when my daughter was small and I did day care to make ends meet.  But amazingly my daughter gets to be a stay-home mom to her beautiful seven-year-old twins.  Yes, it's terribly hard work to teach them and make sure they learn how to be good and kind people, but she's doing a wonderful job of it.  And kids do say the darndest things, no question about it.  The children were heading out last weekend for an adventure with their wonderful dad when he was playing music from The Who with the words "I can see for miles and miles and miles...." and the little girl Talia piped up with "He must be eating a lot of carrots."  I mean, you can't buy that kind of pleasure, hearing something so real and smart coming from such little people.  And the little boy Quinn comes up with some brilliant observations himself, which we have dubbed Quinnisms.  So they were shopping today for boogie boards for the beach and Quinn picked his out right away but Talia couldn't find what she liked so they had to go to a few stores until she found a purple one..  Which led to today's Quinnism, " "Fashion, it doesn't always have to be pretty. What matters is that you like it. It's like with humans, it's the most important what's on the inside. The outside doesn't matter so much."  He's seven, loves to run and play and is amazing at building things with Legos and his mind is thinking things that some adults never realize.  And I get to be their gramma. 


Clearly, I'm feeling better and more alive.  I'm even participating in organizing a karaoke night on August 28th and the next Wow potluck will be on September 2nd with Marni Battista as speaker.  If you want to have fun with us at either event, just email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com for details.  Meanwhile, I think I'll curl up with a good book (which I got from the library with my new library card!) and my loudly purring cat and enjoy some well earned relaxation.  

p.s. That's a pic of the twins who just turned seven and were writing thank you notes for some birthday gifts.

Fixing men.

Thanks for your emails asking about when I'm going to write again or how I am or what I've been doing.  Really, it makes me happy to know you care.

I'm just been coasting.  My job is still exhausting, but I'm no longer feeling the fear of my boss, the flip-flop in my stomach when I have to face him.  One more old issue resolved, or at least controlled.

With that weight lifted, I'm finally feeling more interested in socializing and even went out last night with fellow Wowettes to a dance.  OK, it was a dance we all thought would be so dull that we'd eat our chicken dinner and leave within an hour or so.  But!  We had a blast!  There weren't any guys there that interested us, except the one guy I always see at these events who always laughs and kids around me, is affectionate, and never asks me out. But we chicks had our dinner, a glass of wine, and spent the rest of the evening dancing with ourselves to the music of the 50s and a fabulous live band. And I mean really dancing.  Picture five or six of us women on a dance floor full of couples, in a circle and doing all the moves from the 50s and 60s in unison.  I swear we looked like go-go dancers without the pedestal to dance on.  We laughed and we giggled and we had the best time.  I met two women I invited to join Wow, two women who were classy and smart and played with us like we were all old friends.  We're fabulous women and we're single and unattached and we had a great time.

Not that it wouldn't be fun to have a great guy in my life.  But meanwhile, being single is fun.  I had a week that was pretty tough at work, talking to three elderly married women who were taking care of very sick husbands, women who sat at my desk and cried.  And I thought of some of my single women friends who claim that they desperately want a man in their life so that, when they get old and sick, he will take care of them.  How do they know the guys won't get sick first or would the guys they pick really be their nursemaids when they get old and disabled?  And this week I heard from several other friends in long term relationships, complaining about their husbands, how the one who has always refused to travel now refuses to take a trip or the guy who always refuses to go to parties with her now refuses to go to a party.  And the single one who just met a guy who fell head over heels for her but has some traits she can't tolerate so she gave him some books to read so he'd suddenly become the man of her dreams.

Maybe the biggest problem in relationships or marriages is not money or lack of communication or not enough sex.  Maybe it's unrealistic expectations and denial.  My theory is that we women have really long lists of what we want in a mate and then we meet a guy who has a few of those qualities so we decide he must have all the items on the big list.  When we find out he doesn't, we make it our project to make him into the guy we originally and mistakenly thought he was.  Remember that line from Samantha in an episode of Sex and The City where she said something like, you can't change a guy, that maybe you can change his hairstyle or clothing, but even's that's a struggle.  I read this week that personality is fully formed by the age of seven years old.  Seven!  How can we possibly change a guy in his 50s or 60s?!?  I've heard so many times when a woman friend doesn't like something her guy has done, like he's unmotivated to get a better job or he doesn't show up on time ever or he'll never go to the movies with her, and she says, "I'm going to have a talk with him."  Ladies, it doesn't work.  It's like talking to my Suburu and telling it to be a Mercedes.  Just not gonna happen.  You get what you buy. That's it.

I know all this because I've done it.  Many times.  It's hard to get all that attention and affection and warm fuzzy stuff from a guy and face the fact that he has qualities that are intolerable so we have to give him up. Being such strong successful women, it's hard to admit that there really is something we cannot change or fix or make right. And I do admit that sometimes guys, and probably some of us women, put on a good show until we're hooked and then turn into slobs or get moody or refuse to pick up our clothes.  But ladies, he is who he is.  Accept him or move on.  Really.  But meanwhile, you can always count on your women friends for a great time. Every time.

Kitties, jobs, and little people.

Been a tough week in Chatsworth. Simone, the tortoise shell tabby cat, has been sick.  Last Sunday, she just laid around, barely lifting her head, not talking, hardly eating or drinking, and not jumping up onto my lap.  One vet visit, lots of lab tests, four different meds, and a lot of money later, she seemed to be feeling better.  Then, a nasty infection grew on her back, exploded, and there were more meds, more money, and an even better feeling cat.  Such a scare, especially after losing her best friend, the poodle Buddy, only one month ago.  Whew, if I can survive feeding three pills and two droppers full of medication twice a day to a feline, plus washing the boo-boo, we will both be fine.  Nice to hear her purring and "talking" once again.

Still, I've been a bit under the weather, emotionally.  It's hard to do the job at work of three people, work for unhappy employers, take care of cranky sick people, and try to keep my staff from quitting. A sick  Really, it's exhausting and that kind of emotional exhaustion makes me want to burrow inside of myself and do whatever it takes to stop feeling bad, be it carbs or a little wine or too much TV. And I find myself not having the energy or desire to be sociable, even though I know it's really the best remedy.

So thank goodness for happy, silly grandchildren.  I had the company of the little ones yesterday, and listening to their giggles was salve for the weary soul.  The little boy comes up with facts out of the blue, such as "Ice has no friction" and the little girl goes on in a voice that sounds so grown-up as she discusses protecting a classmate from bullies, "Well, you know, Gramma, that my friend is verrrrry little and verrrry quiet and sometimes the bad boys make fun of her and I just go up to them and tell them that it's just not nice to do that to her."  Ah, the innocence of youth, how they see things so simply, how they are so brave, and how much pleasure they get from something like jumping in my pool or making a tiny village out of assorted castles and legos and play animals.  Such a blessing to have them in my life.

So what's the message here?  That life is tough.  And that I may not have a lot of money and may not be happy at work and I may be be pretty worn down lately, but that I'm really blessed to have things, or people, in my life that make me smile and be happy.  And that all the tough stuff in life is forgotten after even a few minutes of that kind of joy.

Margaret the Magnificent.

I was treated to another Wow meeting at my house this week.  Once again, my quiet home fills with the smells of potluck dishes and the cheery voices of women.  I send out invitations and the Wowettes bless me with a delicious meal and their delightful company.

Our speaker was Margaret Futerer of http://www.magnificentwomen.net/home.html.  Once again, I picked Margaret from an online speakers site and really didn't know if she would be a good speaker, but I was intrigued by the introduction on her website, "Each one of us is magnificent, each one of us has magnificence within our core. We have our own unique gifts, hopes, dreams, passions and purpose. Every woman has within her the incredible power to change her life and become more of the amazing woman she carries within her.  Through a series of books, speeches, workshops and mentoring, Margaret Futerer guides women of all ages to discover and liberate their magnificent potential. Her programs are designed to help women develop the courage and compassion to set themselves free from the stories of their past. Through Margaret's workshops and weekend retreats women are inspired to connect with their life purpose and become the Magnificent women they were born to be.  After the last very difficult four years on my job, I had finally realized, with some professional help, that the buttons in me being pushed by the new doctor were from my childhood and the thought of Margaret helping me to get past those wounds was irresistible.

And so was Margaret.  Lovely, friendly, and smiling, she entered my house and I immediately felt a kinship.  She was soft spoken but clearly strong, and I anticipated her story to inspire us all, and it did.  Margaret was raised in a polygamous commune and grew up believing that the purpose of girls was to be wives and have babies and that they were to never have opinions or make decisions of their own. She watched girls grow up, be married in their mid teens, and have baby after baby.  Her own mother had fifteen pregnancies and twelve children. The curious would sometimes visit her commune and move on, often leaving their children behind to fend for themselves. Even as a young child, she seemed to know she wanted more than this life and escaped at 17, creating a life of travel and adventure, all the time changing like a chameleon, always trying to find out who she really was. Different clothes, different behaviors, different cities, different men, and still Margaret didn't really know herself.  Without support, she managed to survive on her own, even attending college and creating a business.  She finally devised a three page list with descriptions of each quality she sought in a mate and amazingly did meet the man who fit the bill completely.

So she got married, was successful in business, had two children and was still not happy.  Then, when the economy struggled, she lost her business and almost her house and then, after believing she could fix anything, she found herself flailing.  Still, this challenge prompted her to reconnect with herself and her intuition.  She started to really listen to herself and become aware of the "shoulds" she had placed on her self and her life and began the process of healing.  She realized that she had focused on what was wrong in her and her life and that it had caused depression, so she decided to stop listening to those thoughts and instead focus on gratitude.  She said when we shift from the negative to the positive, we become able to see the real possibilities in our lives.   Next, she realized she needed to forgive.  In forgiving her parents and forgiving herself for holding on to the emotional attachments of those old resentments, she found emotional liberation.  Free of anger and bitterness and negativity, Margaret was able to connect with her real self, which led to her beginning to write and thus finding the beautiful creative voice that was within her.

Finally, Margaret discovered she was magnificent and realized that ALL women are magnificent - sensitive, nurturing, passionate, intuitive, and creative. If we connect with the magnificence in us, "we can do anything."  Rather than being defined by our possessions or our job or our family, we are truly defined by "the relationship with ourselves."  She ended by saying to all of us women, "I am magnificent.  You are all magnificent."  And for once, we were completely speechless, like something extraordinary had just happened within each and every one of us, as if each of us had realized, yes, regardless of our difficult childhood, our failures in relationships, our financial hardships, our anxieties....we are really, really magnificent.

When I had called Margaret to confirm that she was planning to attend the meeting and thanked her for her willingness to drive one to two hours to share her story with us, she said, "I love to inspire groups of women."  I know the Wowettes were wowed by Margaret, and myself, I think I'll never be the same.  After struggling all my life to overcome the pain of my upbringing and the ensuing failures and struggles of my life, I finally realize that it's just about realizing that I am magnificent, just as I am today, and that really, none of the past matters.  Thanks, Margaret, for opening our eyes to recognizing our own magnificence and loving ourselves.  Just as we are. Today.