Perceptions, definitions, and another Ellen

I believe in the connectedness of the universe. The butterfly effect, that the flapping of a butterfly's wings could alter the development of a tornado, that my actions have a ripple effect that I might never know. That everything we do, every thing we learn, every person we meet changes our lives. And theirs.

The January Wow meeting was this week. One by one, the ladies come into my home with their potluck menu offerings and their smiles and their cheeriness, filling my home with their energies. This time, we had Ellen Stohl (www.ellenstohl.com), a friend of my beautiful curly-haired daughter. I have always known the many pleasures of having a daughter as delightful as mine, but I've only recently realized a new pleasure, that the new friends she makes can change my life, too.

Ellen spoke to us on the topic "Define: Me!" Ellen's thought is that we perceive and define ourselves through the filter of others. Society has a model of perfection, for us women it's the actress with perfect make-up and hair, gorgeous men by her side, designer clothes on her tiny body, someone who might be unhappy, but still remains our idol. And our perceptions and definitions change as we age, as we have children, as we change jobs, as we change mates. We don't live in a vacuum, isolated, so we compare and judge ourselves based on what we think we "should" be, rather than appreciating our uniqueness. Others tell us who we are and we accept that definition.

The reality of who defines us came to Ellen when she was nineteen and involved in a car accident that left her an incomplete quadriplegic, living life unable to walk. She learned that people's perceptions of her and what she could accomplish became defined by her paralysis, that they saw the wheelchair first and the woman second. Yet, there appears to be almost nothing that she can't, and hasn't, done since her accident. She became an actress, rode on a motorcycle, explored a museum in Brazil, got stood up by Charlie Sheen, completed the Los Angeles Marathon Bike Tour, participated in a season of the LA Chamber Ballet, got pregnant, became a mother, bungee jumped, and posed for Playboy. Whew!

Her message is to define ourselves, to ask ourselves what do I see in myself, how do I see myself, what do I do for myself that makes me feel sexual since our sexuality comes in defining ourselves, really knowing the real us. Do I view myself negatively or positively, do I see myself as a potential partner or make assumptions about myself that prevents meeting my match. That coming to know ourselve as we really are, separate from the views of others that we have incorporated, allows us to like and love ourselves which shows, making us more attractive to others. Ellen says that, if given the choice, she would not undo that accident that changed her life, as it put her on a path of self-discovery that has made her the strong and vibrant woman she is today.

The next morning after enjoying Ellen, I attended the memorial service for Dr. Richland, one of my physician employers who recently passed away. It was an emotional week before that, with my other doctor writing and rewriting his presentation, both of us crying as we read it over and over. And I was scheduled to speak as well, after an esteemed list of doctors and before the family members, and I was honored to be chosen. As much as I was saddened by his loss, the tributes by the doctors and family were amazing, as if each person had known a different piece of Dr. Richland and together we created a total picture of the man. I thought back to what Ellen had said, how we define ourselves based on the views of others, and realized that I often think of myself as lesser than the doctors in my professional community, that somehow they are higher on some list of importance than I am. After speaking about the doctor in front of all the other doctors, I felt different, somehow elevated in stature, somehow more equal to the docs.

Likely I have always felt "less than" others, less important or smart or pretty or valuable, and I appreciate Ellen's opening my eyes to our self-perceptions that already have allowed me to view myself as a more worthy human being. I wonder how many times I feel anxious or troubled that I am just judging myself against others and coming up short. I vow to come to know myself, to create a reality and perception of myself based on who I really am. I thank Dr. Richland for allowing me to be part of his life, to know and be cared about by such a remarkable person. And I thank Ellen for opening my eyes to me. It's that connectedness thing again, how my daughter picked a particular school for the children and met Ellen and now she has changed my life, and clearly the lives of many, in a very positive way.