Pain, energy, and tears.

Timing is everything. I received the comment to my last post today, just before a lunch with a new doctor to the area. I had written about negotiating needs in a relationship, how we have to recognize our feelings, put a name to that churning in our guts when we react to something our date has done, and communicate our feelings and needs. The reader wrote about ...."effortless togetherness, where did that go?!...the effortless, togetherness" and I took it to mean that he or she yearned for the type of relationship that just flowed, where everyone was happy all the time, and all our needs are met without our having to state them. Like a fairy tale, that sort of bliss, but can it exist?

The new doc is a psychiatrist, wanting some inside information on the medical community in which I work. I got her to talking about baggage and having our feelings hurt and negotiating and all that I know comes with a relationship. She said that it is very rare to be without past hurts and that we can react to these hurts by fighting about things that have nothing to do with the real issue. She says that traumas are stored as "potential energy" that is destructive, usually coming out in inappropriate ways, especially when some factor reminds us of the trauma. We all have been hurt or abused or treated badly in some way and, if we didn't cry or scream or deal with that pain, it will come out in other ways, like the steam in a tea pot when the water boils, it cannot be contained. Think of road rage or the guy who yelled at you when you accidentally bumped him or the friend you like but you have to be so careful about what you say so that he doesn't "go off" on you.

Her advice is to spend some quiet time thinking about past hurts and if we mourned or grieved or really reacted to that pain or did we just swallow it and move on. That if we allow ourselves to cry or scream or stomp around, we might be able to finally have the proper reaction to the past situation so that it doesn't affect our life today in negative ways. For me, it's ironic, that as a child I was punished if I cried so it's difficult today to go there, so I somethimes act tough or snippy in situations where I just need to cry and mourn the past. The doctor said that crying with our loved ones and receiving a hug is a great way to create intimacy. That if someone really loves us, they will care about how we feel because that's what makes us who we are. I told her I worried that, once I started with the tears, they would never stop, but she assured me that the tears will stop and then we will heal.

So if you are with me or someone else and you say something that makes us cry, just realize it's a good thing for us to feel the emotions and give us a big hug and a tissue or two. And go ahead and allow yourself the same freedom to recognize and mourn past hurts and heal yourself. And then maybe we'll all be able to have those relationships that my dear reader wrote about, blissful and peaceful and happy.