How much time is enough?

I just heard from a reader who is dating a busy guy and is having a problem. She appreciates that he has interests and that he is dedicated to having a successful career, but she has a problem with his time. They see each other twice a week, once during the week and on Saturday nights, but it doesn't seem like enough time to her. She has talked about it with him and asked to spend more of the weekend together and he agreed to that, but he makes plans with her and then has to break them to do these other things. He insists that he loves her and wants this relationship very much, but she's thinks he doesn't make her a priority in his life and she's sad about that. She asked me to help her figure out what really is the issue here.

Sometimes these things trigger old issues. I was married to a guy who always put his interests before me and I got his left-over time, when there was any. I enjoyed him but, as time went on, I became less and less important to him as he took on more interests and hobbies. I dated another guy who made promises but didn't keep them, like he'd agree to take me on a ride on a Sunday and then found something else to do without me. It's easy to figure out that I felt unimportant and unloved by these actions.

I like that a guy has his interests, that he's not consumed by being with me and our time together. I like to do "my own thing" sometimes, too, and appreciate someone who brings his interests to the table, even if only to discuss them with me so I can have a better picture of who he is. But I can understand my reader's angst, that she feels unimportant when he cancels their plans to do something else, that this conveys a message to her that other things are more important to him than her.

So maybe it's not just a trigger to old issues and that we do need to feel loved and wanted and, when a guy doesn't keep a promise or cancels to make other plans, we are justified in feeling bad. I know that sometimes we take our relationships for granted, but relationships take nurturing and thought and care and they will die with neglect or disinterest. It's a big deal to find someone to love and who loves us and we really need to treat that relationship with kindness and effort and thought. I have this analogy of a plant, that we find a beautiful and shiny house plant in the store and bring it home and put it in a special place in our house and leave it there. But the plant needs water and sun and food or it will die, just like a relationship needs attention or it will fade.

So I told my reader to let the guy know how she feels and see how he responds and to watch to see if his actions match his words. Sometimes guys just don't know what to do or how their actions affect us. Guys sometimes have to be taught about us women and a good guy will pay attention and be willing to do things to keep us happy. If he's a good guy, it's worth the effort, isn't it?