It's a process.

We band together, we ladies, to have strength in our quest for "the one." We listen to life coaches together and talk about what we've learned. On our own, we read relationship books and we see a variety of therapists and we talk about our past loves with friends and we think we know it all. And that we can do it really well this time. And then we do it and it just isn't so.

We can learn how to fight fair and be kind and compassionate. We can learn how to keep the spark alive and be sexy in bed. We can learn how to listen and how to share. And then we have the chance to do it and we don't do it so well.

We meet someone and we are cautiously thrilled at how much we like them and how much they fit our list and how much they turn us on and how much we want them. And then all that closeness and intimacy opens some long-hidden door in our heart and brings out all the pain and sore places and touchy spots that really haven't healed, even though we were sure they did. And then, against our best intentions, we hurt each other. We hurt that person who has come to know us and maybe even love us and then we are so sad again, this time not just for our own pain but for causing pain to the other. And we want to run away, to stop feeling that long-hidden pain, but this time we don't.

So maybe the best relationships aren't those that proceed without conflict or in which everyone is just happy all the time. Maybe relationships are the final place to heal, to be forced to visit those wounded places, this time in the arms of someone who really, really cares, someone who himself has felt that pain of loss and wants with all his heart to make it right this time. And who allows us to face those hidden areas of our heart without judgment, knowing that it allows him to face his demons too. So maybe the best relationships are those in which we really see each other clearly, both our wounded places and our healthy places, our faults and our fabulousness, and love each other anyway.