The choices we make.

Life is a series of changes. Each decision we make takes us down a different path. We marry or we don't. We have children or we don't. We take one job over another. We stay with our decision or leave our mate/job/city and do something else. Each time we make a decision our life changes. Even not making a decision is a decision. The story of our life can be dramatically different, depending on each and every decision we make. We are the artists of our own lives.

I'm at a place in my life where I am reaping the rewards of those many decisions I've made throughout my life. And I'm thinking about where different choices would have taken me. I'm stayed in a job I treasured for decades and now my work has been difficult and sometimes unbearable, and I'm realizing the toll it has taken on my life and emotions. It makes me wonder about where I'd be if I'd changed jobs years ago, gone to college earlier in life, choosen a different career, or lived in another state.

So I'm rethinking where I am now. I could retire. I could change jobs. I could sell my house and downsize or move away. I could travel the world, spending time in different countries, as long as I please, and move on whenever I feel like it. I think about the book and now the movie, Eat...Pray...Love and wonder if that should have been the story of my own life, coming through a divorce and taking one year to see the world, living in different countries, making friends of other nations, finding myself along the way.

I was a hippie in the sixties, long hair and beads and dancing outdoors to psychedelic music at Griffith Park, surrounded by crowds of similarly dressed and drugged revelers. I was invited by a guy I barely knew to live in the center of this movement in Haight Ashbury and I chose not to go. I stayed in my parents' home, married a sailor, moved to Hawaii, had a child, and got divorced, and then it seemed like most of my choices were then made for me. I had to work, take care of a child by myself, and survive. Living in an ashram in India was no longer an option, and I settled into a life of surburbia, my hippie days long gone.

Sometimes I feel sad when I think about those outer things that would have made people see me as still free-spirited. My house is classically middle class and average, notably free of beaded curtains and bean bag furniture. I dress in jeans and sweaters and have short hair, not long dresses made of tie-dye, and haven't had long hair since my early twenties. Have I lost myself? Have I sold-out? Do clothes and furniture and hair styles determine who we are?

Maybe those trappings can be just costumes, a way to make the world think we're really hip, like we think dressing and looking a certain way makes others, and ourselves, think we really are free-spirited when we might not be. I remember a recommendation letter written for me in my twenties, describing my silly humor, my multi-religiousness, my quirky demeanor, and I realize that my "Ellen-ness" was there then and is still within me.

I may work a traditional job and live in an average-looking home and have a poodle, but I'm still me. I'm spunky, I'm creative, and I make people laugh. I'd still like to travel the world, going wherever the wind takes me and moving on whenever I want. I'd like to work for the Peace Corps, bringing schools or water or education to those less fortunate. I'd like to live in Topanga Canyon and have a funky house, full of mis-matched furniture that looks really cool, but really I'd worry about the fire danger there. If I traveled, I'd miss seeing the joy in my daughter's eyes when she is happy. I'd miss seeing my grandchildren grow and change and giggle. I'd miss my friends and the safety and comfort of my home. I still can retire and travel and see the world whenever I please, I really could. But I really think I like my life, just the way it is, right here in the Valley, close to those I love.

Money, money, money.

We need it. It's hard to get. Some have more than others. Some don't have any. Money. "Love of money is the root of all evil." The Bible. Jackie Mason - "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." Edith Wharton - "The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it." Rita Rudner - "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." Woody Allen - "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

I'm at the age when I'm thinking about retirement. How good it could be, how much I'd like not to work, what wonderful things I could do with my time.....And then I wake up and think about the reality of how much money I might have, how much money I would need, and how the two don't jive. I think about how I should have saved more all these years, how I shouldn't have bought this or that, how I should have invested better, how I should have sought a more lucrative career. Shouda, woulda, coulda.

So it was good timing to have a financial planner as our Wow speaker this month. Meet Elad Goren, partner in Financial Pointe, a 34-year-old man who was well dressed, well spoken, and very down-to-earth, the advisor to one of our Wowettes who is retiring with a nice solid nest-egg. He taught us about what financial planners actually do, which is a lot more than investing your money, and talked about how boring his plans for our money will be. Find a way to make our money grow and leave it there. How easy is that? It was surprising how little we all know about investments and how little money some of us have. It's never too late to start making money for our retirement, he assured us. That's good news.

I like Elad. He was a good teacher, explaining concepts so we all understood them easily. Like how people pull their money out of their plans when the value goes down and then put the money back in when the value goes up. His example was like going to Nordstrom's for a 50% off sale and saying we would wait until the prices went up again before we buy. It's amazing that, with something as vital as our money we are not so smart.

Just like any other of life's problems, it's best not to just sit and worry, but to take action. Best not to fret about the future, but do constructive things to make it better and still enjoy the moment. So my advice is to call Elad at 818-338-3570 or 888-339-3570 and talk about your money and your future. He promises to take any calls and answer any questions. Nice guy, seemed honest and smart. And he just might make your future greener!

Marriage as a purchase.

Geez, I haven't posted in forever! Really, not much to say, just living a quiet life, single, listening to married girlfriends reminding me how being married isn't necessarily a great thing, going out with single girlfriends and having the best time, and fielding phone calls from other single women friends who are meeting not-so-fab men. Ah, last week I did two loads of laundry and left the clean clothes on my kitchen bar counter for five days and no one complained. No one noticed. I can do 1000 piece puzzles on my kitchen table, wear baggy sweats, and not get dressed on the weekend and no one notices. Is that bad? Naw, kinda cool, I think.

So I'm home from work on a Wednesday, having survived another day working for doctors. Excellent docs, but picky and unreasonable and demanding. Another day, another dollar. And I remain grateful to have a job in these tough economic times.

So I have that new doctor, finally calming down after three years working with us, maybe finally realizing that our combined 50 years experience might just mean that we know more about running a medical office than a new doctor with zero, none, not-one-minute, of training in billing, coding, scheduling, authorizations, collections, and the other zillion things required for us to have such a successful office. We're actually starting to enjoy him, now that he realizes that we might be an asset to him.

Our new doc is pushing to switch to an EMR system, the new electronic medical records package we can use for all the office functions and allow us to see our records online, rather than in paper charts. I find it exciting and daunting all at once, having heard many horror stories about how it can take six to nine months or more to get past the chaos of learning and using this kind of system. Remember, I'm the one who went to college in my 40s and had the best time, so clearly I like a challenge.

So I've been talking to a guy at one of the systems we're considering for the office, a smart and rather no-nonsense guy who tells it like it is, but clearly thinks his system is one of the best. After days and days of me calling him with my "Question of the Day," he finally said that buying such a system is like deciding who to marry, that we should make a very careful decision since getting out of it can be a nightmare. I don't know, I looked at 60 houses before buying mine and researched many long hours before buying my Suburu, but made some pretty emotional and impetuous decisions about husbands. I still have my house and my Suburu, but I'm definitely single.

Being human beings, maybe most or even all of our decisions are emotional. I buy a dress because it makes me feel pretty or sexy. I like to eat comfort food, see funny movies so I can laugh and romantic movies so I can feel happy, and I like to be with my friends because I feel loved and wanted. We buy things or pick out mates based on what we hope to feel, wishing that the object will bring us satisfaction or our mate will hold our hand in hard times. Just as whatever system our office buys will have its good and bad points, the mates we choose will have qualities we like and some we wish he didn't have. We make our decisions based on the information we have at the time and the hopes we wish it will fulfill and sometimes we get more information and regret our decisions. But sometimes not making decisions is worse, requiring us to use old outdated software or not dating and missing out on the possibility of a new romance. So I say to my docs, pick one and let's get started! And to myself, maybe it's time for me to give a new guy a chance. Maybe.

Holidays, friends, and fun.

Ah, life! You ask what's been happening in my life and it's the same. Work, friends, grandchildren. Here's some pics to show you....

This is my amazing grandson Quinn and his Purple Monster. He knows that real monsters NEVER go to Gramma's house. He made this one himself!
This is Quinn's twin sister Talia, the Princess, standing before their art gallery at my house. Yes, she's a bit toothless.

This is Simone, the tabby kitty, lying on my 1000 piece puzzle, even though I've told her many, many times not to do it! Don't you think there are a zillion more comfortable places to hang?

Some of my Wowettes at a recent potluck at my house. Fabulous group always.

We visited a Fall Fair at a local farm about 30 miles north of my house on Halloween. Thousands of pumpkins, lots of animals, fresh vegetables, a ride in a train through a hillside of sunflowers, two happy children, and a very happy gramma.

They love to play on the tractor at the farm!

Talia had her face painted to match her Snow Princess Halloween costume.

Thanksgiving at gramma's. That's a pumpkin pie my daughter made from the Halloween pumpkin. See the smiley face in the pie?

The morning after an overnight at Gramma's. PJs, the tabby cat, and toys on Gramma's kitchen island bar.

Yes, that's me and Santa. I left an office full of patients to see my patient being Santa! He's been playing Santa for decades, starting when he was the only Jewish guy in his military unit. The hospital next to my office hosts hundreds of needy children for lunch, entertainment, a picture with Santa, and a big bag of toys for each! This was held on the same day that my daughter visited the twin's class to teach the 1st graders about Hanukah. There are miracles everywhere.

The gifts of the season.

I'm enjoying the holiday season. End of year, Christmas, Hanukah, my birthday, all in a few weeks time. It's a lovely time of year to celebrate miracles. I love that the holidays, no matter what religion, are about miracles, amazing happenings we can't explain logically. The virgin birth, the miracle of the lights, even our birthdays are celebrations of life, that mysterious thing that we so take for granted but is really beyond our comprehension. Our heart pumps, our kidneys filter, our blood delivers oxygen - sometimes the mere thought of how our body works makes me think there must be a god or something much greater than ourselves that can perform miracles and create what we can't understand. It's a season to stop and realize the majesty of our mere being, that we are in a certain place at this particular time to learn or grow or be a blessing to others. Makes me misty, thinking about the miracles in my own life, that I have the most beautiful daughter, that she has created a wonderful family, that she loves me. It's beyond my ability to comprehend, but I appreciate that I exist and that I'm here, right here and right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more fun things or seeing more people or doing more charity work or fostering a child or giving my time to the needy or a multitude of things. I'm never going to cure cancer or travel to the moon or even put a needy child through college. Sometimes I'm so caught up in survival, paying my bills, wondering how I'll be able to retire, that I don't even think about those lofty goals. But really, maybe it's enough to just be me, to just give a smile to the checker at the store, to try to make the job easier for my staff at work, to listen to my friends, to encourage my daughter, to hug my grandchildren, to do the little daily things that might make life just a tiny bit happier for the people I see every day.

We don't have big holidays in my family, just a few of us getting together opening a gift or two and sharing a meal. But I think keeping it simple helps us remember the real gifts in life, that we are healthy, that we have a roof over our heads, and that we love each other deeply. I certainly will never understand the meaning of life or how it's possible to create a kidney or a flower, but I'll always understand that happiness in this life isn't in the presents we open, but appreciating what can't be bought.

Matters of the heart.

I sailed through my cardiac catherization yesterday, thanks to a fine doctor, my motherly daughter, and my best friend. And some very kind nurses and techs. Nothing to it. No pain, no discomfort, just some yummy drugs and it's over! Again in my life, something I feared turned out to be no big deal at all.

After five hours of lying still on my back to allow the wound to heal, my new cardiologist came in to send me home and my friend asked about proper heart diet. The doc isn't one to give short answers, so we were treated to a lesson on what to eat to keep our hearts healthy. Only two egg yokes per week, no cheese, only occasional red meat,and no chicken skin. Only healthy fats like canola. Breakfast should be the biggest meal of the day, and dinner should be a very small meal, as food takes eight hours to fully digest. One 81 mg. aspirin daily. 1000 mg. of fish oil twice a day. And lots of exercise. I sure didn't know that eating salt causes high blood pressure which harms the arteries! What he told us were all things I have known to do or not to do but didn't, and now I'm quite motivated to do them. By the way, my arteries are only slightly clogged, nothing to prevent or impinge on blood flow, and proper care will keep them that way. Yeah! (You can check out what Dr. Oz has to say about heart health)

So what did I learn? That I have a second chance to get healthy. That sometimes we have to let go and let others take care of us. That maybe the tightness in my chest is due to bad diet choices, like dairy and chemicals. That I'm pretty lucky to have lots of friends who checked in to see if I was OK. That my best friend is truly a saint. That my daughter is a wonderful nurturer. And that my heart is pretty healthy. Not a bad day after all.

Scanners, hearts, and a nice guy.

Ventricular tachycardia. Yep, VT. I had a few beats of that on my recent stress-echo test, and now I'm a patient. I don't like being a patient. I've worked for doctors for forty years, always taking care of patients, and I don't like being one. I've been placed on a low dose beta blocker, which is supposed to prevent those unhealthy heartbeats, so that's good.

Just to make sure my cardiac arteries are open and pumping nicely, today I underwent a CTA. It's a computer tomography heart scan, using a special CT scanner to visualize the heart and the arteries. It's less invasive than the conventional angiogram, which uses a catheter into a vein or artery using a small incision. Just a CAT scan and some dye, but I'm not thrilled.

Ya gotta know I'm not happy to be a patient. I get to the imaging facility thirty minutes early, as requested, having had no food or water for four hours, fill out three minutes worth of papers and then sit. I'm thinking this is not so nice, bringing me here so early to just wait for twenty-five minutes. And the front desk people were civil, but not exactly my best friends. So finally, someone calls my name and takes me back to prepare for the test and right away I tell him that I think being a patient sucks. He just looks at me politely and says in his slow drawl, "we'll just try to change your mind today." So he's tall, dark, and good-looking and treats me with obvious kindness and I realize it's gonna be tough to be a cranky patient with this guy. He takes me into a little room, proceeds to slowly and quietly tell me all about the procedure, what to expect, what I'll have to do, what meds will be used, and how it will all feel. He says that there isn't a tech better than him, and by now I'm believing it. So this is nice, I think, being cared for so respectfully by someone so skilled and I just sit back to let it happen.

The actual procedure was easy. I'm in the CT scanner with my arms overhead, IV in place, leads on my chest, and a warm blanket across my body. He turns on the scanner and I can see some of its mechanism going around and around my the table and I'm thinking how amazing it is that a machine can take pictures of my beating heart, reconfigure them, and create a picture of my heart and arteries, all in a few minutes. I take a breath, I hold my breath, I breathe again, he puts contrast into my IV, I feel the heat all through my body just as he said I would, and then it's all over. I'm thinking to myself it's just magic, it's all just magic, when he says, "Technology properly implemented is indistinguishable from magic." Aaaaahhhh.

And then he talks about what it takes to be good at something, that it takes skill and attention to detail both. He says that some people have one or the other, but not many have both. He says it's important to listen to the patient, to really hear the patient, and then proceed with consideration of who you are treating. A real gentleman, this man.

So I write today to thank Michael for his kindness to me when I was frightened and alone. That I appreciate your tenderness and concern for my well being. That I wish more people were just like you. And yes, you made being a patient not so bad, after all.