Heroes in Heels

I'm a believer in the idea that we are born as blank slates, that each action we take affects the picture of who we are and what will happen in our future.  Like a fork in the road, each of our choices affects the journey of life.  The Wowettes had the pleasure recently of meeting someone who changed all of us, someone who uplifted and encouraged and taught us how to create more happiness and joy in our lives.

Carrie Flintom is the author of Heroes in Heels, Ignite Your Soul and Awaken the Hero Within.  She drove hours to visit our Wow group and share with us her wisdom and we were moved and awed by her beauty, both outside and inside. Years ago, she began to realize that women had become competitive, instead of being supporting and loving and connected.  She realized that she was so busy with the details and demands of her life that she felt empty and wondered how she had got to the place where she was everyone's everything, sleepwalking through life, feeling like she had it all but was living in a dark place.  Like many of us, she asked herself, "Who Am I?" and embarked on a journey to find the answers, trying the advice of every self-help guru she could find.

Carrie decided her plan to improve her life and create happiness and joy must have the following criteria: 1) Be easy, 2) Be quick, and 3) Have results.  So she came us with what she calls "SMARTS," and here is the plan's brief summary:

S:  Share.  This is a call to action for the day, making one conscious decision to make someone's life better, one act of kindness, one "heroic moment."

M: Get Motivated.  Use music or a quote or think of what you were doing when you last felt moved to be motivated.

A: Affirmations.  Carrie says that 70% of our self talk is negative and, in women, often 90%.  You know how it is when someone says something nice about us and we push it away, like we can't accept a compliment?  That negative self-talk teaches us we don't deserve it.   Affirmations are short and positive statements that are true and, when said often enough, will help us to realize and belief how special we are.

R:  Record and Reward.  Carrie suggests that we use a notebook to write what "share" we did today so that we can go back and re-read it and acknowledge what good we've done.

T:  Thankfulness.  Carrie told us that gratitude opens up more space for what we feel and creates more gratitude.  The simple act of counting our blessings, those little blessings in our lives that we often forget, can change our attitudes.  We are often hindered by our fears, and Carrie says that we cannot feel fear and gratitude at the same time.

In following these steps, Carrie reminds us not to strive for perfection, but to be real and create meaning in every thing we do, to focus on what we are becoming, to be aware of how grand life really is in that very moment.  This short evening with Carrie was magical in itself, and each and every one present said she was the best speaker ever. For me, she was like a bright light, bringing with her the joy and happiness she wanted us all to experience.  You can meet her yourself by visiting her website at www.heroesinheels.com or calling her at 858-997-6305.  She's a life coach and I imagine that anyone spending even one hour with her will be changed forever.  Thanks, Carrie, for showing us all a path to a more meaningful and happy life.  You gave generously of your spirit to a room full of strangers and we are all very grateful you did. xo

The joy of women.

A lovely evening was had by all.  My favorite Wow meeting of the year took place a few evenings ago, a time full of joy and good food and friends.  Lauri, an original Wowette, hosted the meeting at her home full of twinkling lights and warmth and good cheer.  It was a full house, almost overfilled with the usual group and a lovely assortment of their guests and new members.  And it was a night that will be in my memory for a long time.


At this meeting, it's our tradition, created by a beloved member who moved across the country for adventure and a new life, to sit in a circle and share our dream for the New Year, but to do it in a way that is in the present.  Rather than "I will get more exercise" we say, "I am getting more exercise," as if to take the goal and make it real, right then, in that moment.  This exercise is always a special time when the ladies are quiet, listen to the hearts of their new and old friends, and share their own.


The ladies shared that they "are" volunteering, traveling, making better choices, being brave enough to be successful, expanding their horizons, healthy and open, spending quality time with family, healthy and taking better care of their health, singing and dancing, working out like they did years ago, participating in activities that bring laughter and conscious joy, appreciating their personal gifts, being comfortable expressing their feelings, clearing clutter, pursuing interests that fell by the wayside, reading more, watching what they eat, walking more, recognizing and appreciating their blessings, and able to express gratitude.  As each women quietly yet boldly shared these feelings, I could see and feel the others in agreement, as if each woman's desires were those of all the others present.  I was moved and touched by their openness and honesty, allowing us all to see below their surface, to share how much alike we all really are, both in our joys and our pain.


What amazed me most was that there was one thing each woman shared and one thing that none of the ladies said.  What each woman said was that they wanted to make more friends and dedicate more time to the ones they already had.  What none of these single women said was that they were seeking to find the man of their dreams. Here we are, women who go to singles events and who use online dating sites, who often share their angst about dating and not being able to find a great guy, and not one expressed even one thought about finding a mate or a husband.  Their most common desire was to create and nourish friendships with other women, the exact reason I created this group over five years ago, and clearly the love and closeness with other women continues to be what fills us with joy.  For me?  I deeply appreciate your friendships and how each of you opened your heart to the group on this most memorable evening.  We are so lucky to have each other.

My winter vacation.

It's the end of my one week, stay-at-home vacation.  I'm finally feeling relaxed and, of course, I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I took the week off because my son-in-law had back surgery on Monday (by my doctor-boss) and I wanted to be available to pick up kids and give my daughter a break or whatever was needed.  Jason is the best patient, does exactly what he was told to do, is walking and resting and almost pain-free, and well on the road to a complete recovery.


It's been a strange year for me for vacations. The only other week I took off was in April when I stayed home and painted two rooms in my house.  No Europe or tropical trips for me this year, but I do enjoy a week of not working, even if it entails household chores or tending to the family.  It took me until Thursday to really feel relaxed, but now I'm realizing how much less stressed I feel, so we'll see how long that lasts when I return to work.  And yes, I remain thankful to have a job at all.


I did get a few things done that were important.  The leaky shower is fixed, my hair is cut and colored, and I saw the third of the Stieg Larsson trilogy, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. An amazing story, well written books, and edge-of-the-seat movies.  Filmed in Sweden and in Swedish with subtitles!  Three movies and not one minute of sunshine in any of them.  That's somewhere I'm not planning to visit.  But I sure do recommend the books, an astonishing story of government intrigue and the most fascinating character I've ever seen - start with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I finished my holiday shopping, and found out about a great place to buy gifts that change the world for very little money at www.heifer.org. Oh, and I mustn't forget that I got myself back to the gym and took a few long walks outside, so all in all, it was a pretty good week.


Oh yes,  I took a one-day trip by myself up the coast to Santa Barbara and then to the Chumash Casino in Santa Ynez.  It's hard to find a more lovely view of the ocean driving up the coast with the sun shining on the water and the view from above on the Freeway. It almost felt like meditation, and I found myself taking deep breaths and feeling calmer and calmer.  And I took a few new CDs of folk and popular music from the 1960's, so I sang my heart out the whole way.   I ate lunch and gambled for three hours and came back with a little more money than when I left, so yeah for good luck.


So what's the moral here?  Really, not much.  I'm grateful that my son-in-law is on the road to better health, I'm happy to have had extra time with the grandkids, I'm happy with myself that I am on the road to a stronger body, and I'm happy to have taken even a one-day trip out of town and that, even alone, it was a really fun day.  I haven't visited exotic new lands, but I still feel changed.  A little more relaxed, less stressed, and a bit more confident. Sounds like a good vacation to me.

Gratitude and puppies.

Another month, another amazing Wow meeting.  We gathered for a yummy potluck and to answer the questions, "What has made you most happy this year....or for what are you most grateful."  The dinner was noisy, as usual, with all the ladies sharing stories and getting to know each other - picture 15 women in a small space eating and laughing and having fun.  In my own life, I know that counting my blessings changes my attitude, takes my mind off my troubles, and makes me grateful for even the smallest good thing I have. In one of my favorite blog feeds, the message today was "Gratitude feels so good because it is the state of mind closest to your natural state in which you were born to live."  -Abraham-Hicks


After such a boisterous dinner hour, I figured it might be tough to settle the ladies down to this somewhat serious topic, but I was touched and moved by their answers.  Many talked about their families, how they had repaired relationships with their children, and some were grateful that they even had children. Some were grateful that their adult children continued to include and welcome them into their adult lives. Some shared their joy that they were to have a new grand baby soon, including one who had seen her daughter through a variety of very tough times, including drugs and alcohol and finally 12-step recovery. They talked about how their relationships had grown more healthy , how they had learned to set boundaries and maintain those friendships, and that they were very grateful to have friends.  Several ladies talked about their new assertiveness, how they no longer put up with men who were bad for them, and how they became brave enough to open their lives to new jobs and new possibilities.  The teachers were grateful that they could positively affect their students and one was grateful just to have things to be grateful for.  One told about her 91-year-old mother, still strong and bright, and having had the time to repair and now enjoy their relationship. Several talked about being content with their lives, how they no longer struggle or strive to make things happen, such as finding a mate, but are open to what could happen. Several were grateful for the ability to continue to pay their bills. Two were delighted to have a new love in their lives, a new puppy that brought joy and love into their homes and hearts.  Another two were here for the first time and expressed their gratitude at having friends and now being able to make even more.


I looked around the room at this very eclectic group of lovely women, feeling grateful that they were in my home, happy that they so easily shared their struggles and successes and desires.  Several of them included just being part of this group in their gratitude list, which filled me with the warmest fuzziest feelings of the evening.


I continue to be amazed at how much joy and pleasure these ladies bring into my life.  It's nice to have a boyfriend as a few of the ladies do, but the warmth and nurturing that comes from women friends isn't something we find in a man.  We can enjoy his company, the fun of doing new things, the pleasure of intimacy, but only our women friends can bring this kind of love and warmth.  I may not be close friends with all of my Wowettes, but I really do love and appreciate them all.  Here they are!

Our traveling Wowette visits.

I'm fascinated by an update of one of my Wowettes.  She was always been a quiet presence, even in the midst of a houseful of noisy women.  She tends to listen and not leap, but I've always felt a strength to her.   Quiet and seemingly shy as she is, she is one of the first Wowettes in our five plus years together to find a man she wanted. He was her "type," rugged and handsome and earthy, but kind and respectful and loving.  They had their ups and downs, but she never failed to say how much they could talk and share and enjoy each other's company.

But they had some conflicts.  She had recently been divorced from a long and not always very happy marriage, and her grown children were off on their own building successful lives.  Clearly, her bad experience made her not want to remarry and having raised her own children, preferred a relationship where her mate's kids were out of the house, too.  But her guy's adult kids were still hanging around and he allowed them to stay.  And she wanted to retire in or near a city where she could find peace and quiet and not much traffic but still have culture and fun....and he wanted to retire in the mountains, far from civilization, just the two of them.  And he definitely wanted to get married.  What's a girl to do?

She retired. She moved to a senior community in a nearby state.  And she started to create a new life, make new friends, and have new experiences without him.  They stayed in touch, but it appeared that their future wouldn't be together.  Lo and behold, his adult kids moved out.  He accepted that she was living elsewhere and that she wouldn't marry him.  And he decided that a committed relationship, even if they didn't see each other every day, was OK with him.  So she lives there and visits here and he lives here and visits there and they are very, very happy.

So what's so amazing to me?  That she attributes some of her courage to stick to her guns and live the life of her choice to being part of our women's group, that seeing other women in similar circumstances, single after long marriages, gave her the strength to be true to her desires and dreams.  And that she refused to give up how she wanted to live her life to do what her guy wanted, but in the end worked out a compromise that made them both happy.  I have only the greatest admiration and respect for this lovely woman who, by the way, has kindly invited me to visit her new home and see the sights!

I know that relationships require compromise, that we all have to give up something to get something, but so many of my friends really give up too much, surrender their dreams and goals, and end up with a relationship that is unhappy, especially over time when resentment and bitterness can set in. I think that many of these women know that they are giving up too much and allowing the guy to give up so little or even nothing.....but they do it anyway, maybe hoping that somehow it will still make them happy, knowing in their hearts that it really won't.

So kudos to my dear friend.  For making my heart sing by saying that I, and my women's group, were a big part of helping her create a new life after a failed marriage.  For being honest with herself about what she wanted for her life and for sticking to her guns, not in a mean or hard way, but in a tender and compassionate way, refusing to give up her dreams but still keeping space in her life so that her guy could make the changes, on his own and by his own choice, to create a life together. And for staying in my life, even with such distance between us, so that I could continue to enjoy the story of a woman who dreamed.....and is making her dreams come true..

What is my truth?

Yes, yes, I haven't written.  Is my lack of something to write about bad or good or neither?   I'm really coasting, actually enjoying work some of the time, seeing a few friends each week, spending at least one day and maybe night with my grandchildren each week.....and enjoying listening to the stories of my BFFs who have recently met men they consider pretty great.

I really would love to post the pics of the kids, the amazing lego spaceships and cities they've created, the fairs we've recently attended, and the silly rides they've laughed through at the local events.  And I will.  But what I can't stop thinking about is something I heard this week on Dr. Phil.  Yes, I watch Dr. Phil.  I tape it and, when I get home from a hugely exhausting day at work and crash on my comfy sofa, I lose myself in Dr. Phil and disappear into his stories.  Not the icky shows about violence or drug addiction and stuff like that, but the more watchable shows about how people handle what life throws at them.

He's got this weekly Tuesday thing going on where Dr. Phil Housewives get together to figure out their issues.  Pretty annoying, I must admit, like chalk on the blackboard some of them, but mostly it's thought-provoking to hear their stories, how they get stuck in lives that I think I couldn't tolerate, lives that I'd just run away from, yet they're caught for years in their particular cycle of pain and lack of happiness.

There's this one young attractive woman, successful in her own business, but totally unsuccessful in finding a mate. She went through a bad break-up over one year ago and hasn't dated since, so Dr. Phil set her up with a nice guy and she proceeded to spend most of the date being negative and verbally pushing him away.   She had no clue what she was doing, but it was so obvious to us viewers and the other housewives.  Rather than teach her what to say and how to act and what not to do, Dr. Phil talked about what it was in her past that made her need to self-sabotage and destroy her chances of finding what she wants most in life, a husband and children.  His question was, "What is your truth?" and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

It seems we hold a truth about ourselves that influences our decisions, our actions, and our reactions to what happens in our lives.  This particular woman had been raised by a father who made it clear he didn't like her or want to be with her, so she spent her life feeling rejected or rejecting others before they rejected her. She was doomed to repeat this pattern unless she recognized her "truth" and took steps to change it.  Think of the difference between having parents who encourage and adore us versus parents who criticize and humiliate us, never letting us know by words or deeds that we are special and loved.  It's easy enough to recognize that I was raised by a father who was a bully and a mother who was too intimidated to defend or protect me, but what indeed was the message I internalized from my past that affects my every action today?  I need to know.  It feels like this is maybe the last piece in the puzzle of my freedom from my past.  I'm searching, meditating, asking the universe to help me understand my own "truth".  Do you know yours?

Dating with Dignity - Imagine!

Another Wow meeting, another fabulous time!  We had the privilege of meeting Marni Battista, founder of Dating With Dignity.  A summary of Marni from her website states, "I have a Masters in Education, am Certified as a Life Coach by the International Coaching Federation, and am also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment — “The D-Factor” that helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are, or are not date-able, and what types of messages they are UNCONSCIOUSLY broadcasting to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes. I am also trained as a Facilitator and Mentor Trainer by the Hoffman Institute, a world renowned leader in personal development."  


In Marni's case, these words describe her credentials and viewpoints, but hardly begin to describe her vitality, her enthusiasm, her spunkiness, and her courgage.  How I enjoy meeting a woman who is so beautiful inside and out, who really has a grasp on what makes relationships work, and who expresses herself so fearlessly.  After years of emptiness, she ended a marriage of privilege to begin a path of working with a therapist and quickly realized she was destined to repeat her past over and over unless she grew and changed, creating a life she loved and finding dignity in all areas of her life.


Translate this, then, into helping others, and Marni created a process to help women and men clear away the "crap," the baggage one carries from one relationship to another that hinders and even prevents finding joy and peace.  She starts with a "dating ability assessment" that helps people understand their own energy.  Are we negative, are we feeling like victims, do I have to fight to be right and won't settle for less?  She teaches her clients to take responsibility, to stop blaming, to give up self-doubt and unforgiveness and resentment and instead find the opportunity in the difficult, by asking, "what can I do" to make this different.  We all have limiting beliefs we carry around and thus attract partners who fit those neuroses.  Her coaching finds out how our past affects our present and teaches us "SBA" - stop, breathe, ask what's really going on - the very foundation of living fully and consciously and in the moment, allowing us to be "as connected to your authentic self as possible on a date."


Can you tell I adored Marni? I love, love, love to be with a woman who is smart, isn't afraid to speak her mind in a room where her views might not be understood or appreciated, and still believes in herself and her work.  Her upcoming courses are "How to Increase Your Attraction Factor Man Panel Event," "Breaking out of your Romantic Rut," "Your Total Dating Game Plan - Who You Want and How to Get Him," and "Dating with Dignity's Winter Relationship Rejuvenation Retreat."  You can see her website at Datingwithdignity.com or call her at 310-880-2476 or email her at Marni@Datingwithdignity.com.  I can only imagine the positive changes her work can bring to those who are willing to grow and change.


So a big hug and thank you to Marni for sharing herself with my Wowettes for an evening and to my Wowettes for bringing me a yummy potluck and their always sparkling company. There is hardly any more fun and nurturing than a room full of amazing women. xo 





p.s. Our very own Patt and Karen form the Sentimental Journey, a singing group that will be presenting an evening of "Music and Yummy Dessert!" on Saturday November 6th at 8pm at a club in North Hollywood.  If you want to join me and my Wowettes in what I know will be a fun, delicious, and amazingly musical evening, please email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com.