Furry love lives on.

I lost another love this week.  For the past twelve years, that furry little guy was my companion, rarely more than a few feet away.  He was silly and happy and wild and sweet.  And wonderfully nice to my grandchildren, never once nipping or growling at them, always by their side or kissing them or lying across them.  He loved to walk, he loved the cat, he loved food, and he loved me.  Actually, he loved a lot of people and would practically wiggle out of his skin when one of his favorites came to visit.  He would be on your lap just as your butt hit the couch and I believe he thought your reason to visit was to snuggle with him.

He was sick for a while, still cheery and wiggly and happy.  But, at twelve years old and having lost five of his 23 pounds, he was at that point where treatment would be difficult, causing him pain and distress, and I made that impossible choice to end his life before great suffering began. I told him he was a really good dog, that I loved him very much, and that I appreciate how good he was to the children.  And then he was gone and I am left with my memories.  Wonderful memories of sweet, furry Buddy.

Painting, cleaning, and a new path.

My Wow group was treated to an evening of fun, food, and nurturing.  My home fills with these women who are very different, yet bond and nurture and bring yummy food to share.  Our speaker was Judi Lirman, a marriage and family counselor, who chose the subject "Transitions and Silver Linings."  Just as every speaker for five years of Wow meetings, Judi picked a topic by herself that spoke to the exact time of my life, just what I am trying to surmount or deal with or learn from.  I'm written about my problems at work, how I'm finally learning to stand up to the alpha males who push old buttons in me, those times from my childhood when I learned to fear my father. I've been thinking about moving on, getting a new job after decades of this one.  All transitions, all unnerving.

Judi talked about how change is always around us, how the world is changing so fast, how the rules changes, and how this can make us feel scared.  She loves quotes and used this one, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."  As in consider the challenge of change, not fearfully, but with excitement.   Change hits us, so re-invent and recreate, stretch and learn.  She talked about how we were raised with such TV shows as Leave it to Beaver, where the parents were perfect, the house was never a mess, all problems were easily solved in thirty minutes, and we learned that life was that simple.  Then we were faced with wars and recessions and divorces and the reality of facing the big world on our own and we found that the script we had believed was unrealistic. Women in the 50s and 60s found their voices, realized that the lives of their mothers were not what they wanted, and launched themselves in the unknown, a world of their own creation, one never before seen.  We learned that transitions, happy or not, can be stressful, that the end of a relationship or the lack of success in implementing a goal can be the end of a dream.

Judi said that there are three stages to a transition, the end, the middle, and the beginning, in that order.  Something ends, pushing us in the middle stage where we feel neutral, floating, like treading water, unproductive, scared, empty, excited, like we've lost our bearings.   The scariness is that we no longer know who we are, being uprooted and seeking a new beginning, which leads to new beginnings, new perspectives, a new sense of priorities, and even a change in values.  She says that, during this stage, we should remember what we have previously accomplished, that we have skill and perseverence and the will to go on, that we have faith in ourselves and the universe that gives us the courage to face the unknown.  She suggests that we rethink and re-evaluate our dreams, ponder what we might be missing in life, allow ourselves to believe we can accomplish new goals, and to be still enough to hear and learn what they might be.  She says to pay attention to what entices or intrigues us, face the new fears we feel when we think about this new path and what could happen to use if we proceed, and realize that change is normal, part of life.  Helpful tools include keeping a journal by writing in a stream of consciousness, jotting down whatever thoughts pop up, exercise and walk as meditation, get enough rest, take baths with candles all around.  In other words, create an environment in which we feel good and are open to hearing the small voice that tells us the truth, suggests a path, leads us ahead. Judi reminds us that it's a process in growth and learning and that we need to celebrate each small accomplishment on the path.  Clearly, Judi is a delight, a spirited and wise woman.  You can reach her at 818-998-3205, and she encourages your calls.

I followed the Wow meeting by taking a week off work, just to rest and renew.  I had been feeling less fearful at work, feeling more strength and power, but I just knew that it was time to take a break, to do something for myself, to take more steps on this path of change.  After hearing Judi, I'm not so sure I'm supposed to take a new job, but rather conquer my fears where I am. Remember I started the process of moving forward by getting my carpets cleaned so this week, seeking to break out of what my daughter calls being "safe" at home, I painted my bedroom purple and taupe.  I removed closet doors, curtains, and blinds and the room feels open and light and soothing. There's still more to do, like buying curtains and window treatments, but my very wise daughter reminded me to take my time, that I didn't need to do the work in a frenzy, that I could do it step by step, and to resist setting a deadline for it to be finished.  Again, change is a process and yes, I am relishing in the work I have accomplished and the feeling I have created in the room.  My thanks to my handyman/contractor Sam, who refused to charge me for doing the heavy lifting - you can reach Sam at 818-992-1884.  He does everything well, was generous with his suggestions about painting, and even called to offer to loan me tools and brushes and dropcloths.  And again thanks to my carpet cleaner, who gladly returned to clean the parts of my bedroom that were under the old bed, changed me 1/2 his minimum fee, and ended up redoing all of the most heavily traveled areas because, "I care about my customers."  You can reach Sylvan and his "Supermachine" at 818-335-2775.

So I've enjoyed my week off work, appreciate the hard work I've accomplished, and relish the changes in my home. Now, I will look forward to whatever changes or challenges come next with a spirit of optimism and cheerful anticipation..  I'll keep you posted.

The gift we leave behind.

I just heard that a friend of mine died a few days ago. Larry Painter was a boyfriend from the late 80s who I saw every few years since then, catching up on our lives like we'd never been apart. Tall, blond, good-looking with dimples, always with a smile on his face. He was the only person in my life who called me, not Ellen, but L...N. The initials, said with affection.

He wasn't the usual guy in our materialist society. He never had much in the way of possessions, but he really appreciated what he did have and did not seem to desire more. When he was with me, I always felt that he was fully there, concentrating on being with me, for whatever time we were together. There was something in him that kept him from deeper commitment, but he was content with his life and never sought the answers to what it might be. He made friends easily, he loved people, and most of all he loved his daughter. I always felt there was some unexplained sadness beneath his wonderful smile, like he never quite knew why he didn't achieve many of his dreams, but he lived like each day was enough, that he was grateful for whatever pleasures that day might bring.

I don't think love goes away. I think that we carry a piece of everyone we meet, that the minutes or years we are together change each of us, make us different people. Larry's joy and love softened me, made me more relaxed, allowed me to breathe in life more deeply. I'll bet he did that for lots and lots of people lucky enough to have known him.

The fog lifts and the carpets get cleaned.

Picture a really foggy day. You can't see the light, it's cold, you don't know where you are, and you're scared. OK, that's been my life for the past few years, but I didn't realize it. And then, I had a melt-down, couldn't stop crying, and my assistant at work made me go to my doctor. Since my regular doc is out on maternity leave, I end up with a handsome temp doc with the loveliest Italian accent and the very, very kindest manner. He didn't know me and there I was crying in his office and he talked and listened and talked some more and gave me some nice meds and said to come back in one week. Then he said that I needed to stop rescuing my employers, to just agree to do what they asked, even when I knew their ideas wouldn't work and might even cause them harm. And then I started getting better.

There's this thing with momentum. Either you are stuck in one place or you're moving forward. How did I get moving? I got my carpets cleaned. Simple, huh? But now I was moving, feeling more in control of my life, starting to feel empowered and strong. I cleaned closets, sorted through the garage, and had a garage sale. Got rid of dirt and clutter and old stuff and I feel like a big weight has been lifted. Along the way, I did update my resume and start thinking about how I really could, after 32 years in one job, get another one and that it might be really good for me and a great adventure. I went to the doctor again and he said I have reclaimed my life. Nice. I'm sure feeling better. Still have some moments of panic and fear, but generally feeling strong.

Now that the fog has lifted, I'm feeling like dating again, so I create a personal ad, telling a little about me and asking for the guy to be over 50, live near me, be unattached/unmarried, and asking that the guys write something about themselves and send a picture. Pretty simple instructions, I think, but the replies? I'll just let you be the judge:

In the “what about unattached/unmarried don’t you understand” category:

I am peter 60wtm, 5.6" and 170 lbs. very healthy and active and like your ad, very open minded, but before we start i would like to say something as an honest man. My wife is disable for 11 years and my first time I decided to start a life. is this acceptable? I live in Burbank. I appreciate your honest answer

hi im 52 years old im from n.hollywood im unhappy married lets meet

HI IM A FUCKEN DOG WHO IS CHEATING ON MY WIFE!!!

In the “I’m only going to write one line and I just know you’ll want me anyway” category:

What are you doing ? Blessings G

if you like lets hook up

i wouldn't kick you out of bed.

do you have any tats?

Hi,looking very nice lets strike up a conversation lv.a no.

Hello, Want to know if your real? Don't mine send a pic

my lucky day...i just turned 50

Hey I will love to get to now u

how about an ongoing casual relationship...

semi-retired...

hello i am 55 i am 6ft 2'' i am 215 lbs i am interested in you we should talk

hey my name is Jessy...please respond

I'm 40/m LA close to pasadena. You Make The Call?

Hi!!!:)

In the “I’m leaving town for a long time but I’m just so sure you’ll want to wait for me” category:

I'm 57 years old and live in the West SFV. I wish I had more time to spend communicating this reply but I'm very busy right now trying to put business and personnel things in order before leaving on Wednesday to spend a month exploring The Yucatan. I liked what you had to say in your post and would like very much to get to know you better. Please send me and email or give me a call and let me know how to contact you when I return in the beginning of may. I hope to hear from you,

In the “I refuse to use good grammar or spelling but aren't I fabulous anyway?" category:

well i see your looking for a older man well i am older (55) and getting older by the day i am a privet body guard and own a security business i travel all over the world with clients and would love to find a strong woman to share my time with i am sending a pic of myself so you tell me..

ok now talk to me what you arent a 1 and done type are you you got my pic but still i have not recieved yours all i ask is that you be up front with me ok if i dont make the your cut just tell me ok so i can at least move on is that to much to ask for ????

wow I like the way you look, my name is emilio I have 41 yrs old 5:06 (tall) 135 lbs. I like to go 3 or 4 times to the gym I like to do Sport E. so I want to be honest w/ you I realy like to meet you I love the people like you honey w/ more age them me please I just neet to meet you I live close to you lest give me a change I not desapoint you please thanks and have a nice day I hope you hear of you

In the “I’ll bet my anger will make you hot” category:

In the order mentioned: I think I'm real, divorced 15 years ago, not
attached and 66. Done drown spiritually, like to lauch but what is there to
laugh about in this economy, who is emotionall healthy in this economy
screwed by the Republican deregulatinist. How is that for putting you on the
defensive.

I am ready for a good, solid relationship with any intelligent person.
Period. I am somewhat solvent at the moment provided the economy does not
tank dramatically even more. I am a realtor which explains all. I do not
think that it was the subprime loans that did this economy in but the credit
default swaps that were widely sold by AGI and others that did us in.

And finally, in the “Let’s get right to the point” category:

I Like to Kiss and F--- and Dance

The choices we make.

Life is a series of changes. Each decision we make takes us down a different path. We marry or we don't. We have children or we don't. We take one job over another. We stay with our decision or leave our mate/job/city and do something else. Each time we make a decision our life changes. Even not making a decision is a decision. The story of our life can be dramatically different, depending on each and every decision we make. We are the artists of our own lives.

I'm at a place in my life where I am reaping the rewards of those many decisions I've made throughout my life. And I'm thinking about where different choices would have taken me. I'm stayed in a job I treasured for decades and now my work has been difficult and sometimes unbearable, and I'm realizing the toll it has taken on my life and emotions. It makes me wonder about where I'd be if I'd changed jobs years ago, gone to college earlier in life, choosen a different career, or lived in another state.

So I'm rethinking where I am now. I could retire. I could change jobs. I could sell my house and downsize or move away. I could travel the world, spending time in different countries, as long as I please, and move on whenever I feel like it. I think about the book and now the movie, Eat...Pray...Love and wonder if that should have been the story of my own life, coming through a divorce and taking one year to see the world, living in different countries, making friends of other nations, finding myself along the way.

I was a hippie in the sixties, long hair and beads and dancing outdoors to psychedelic music at Griffith Park, surrounded by crowds of similarly dressed and drugged revelers. I was invited by a guy I barely knew to live in the center of this movement in Haight Ashbury and I chose not to go. I stayed in my parents' home, married a sailor, moved to Hawaii, had a child, and got divorced, and then it seemed like most of my choices were then made for me. I had to work, take care of a child by myself, and survive. Living in an ashram in India was no longer an option, and I settled into a life of surburbia, my hippie days long gone.

Sometimes I feel sad when I think about those outer things that would have made people see me as still free-spirited. My house is classically middle class and average, notably free of beaded curtains and bean bag furniture. I dress in jeans and sweaters and have short hair, not long dresses made of tie-dye, and haven't had long hair since my early twenties. Have I lost myself? Have I sold-out? Do clothes and furniture and hair styles determine who we are?

Maybe those trappings can be just costumes, a way to make the world think we're really hip, like we think dressing and looking a certain way makes others, and ourselves, think we really are free-spirited when we might not be. I remember a recommendation letter written for me in my twenties, describing my silly humor, my multi-religiousness, my quirky demeanor, and I realize that my "Ellen-ness" was there then and is still within me.

I may work a traditional job and live in an average-looking home and have a poodle, but I'm still me. I'm spunky, I'm creative, and I make people laugh. I'd still like to travel the world, going wherever the wind takes me and moving on whenever I want. I'd like to work for the Peace Corps, bringing schools or water or education to those less fortunate. I'd like to live in Topanga Canyon and have a funky house, full of mis-matched furniture that looks really cool, but really I'd worry about the fire danger there. If I traveled, I'd miss seeing the joy in my daughter's eyes when she is happy. I'd miss seeing my grandchildren grow and change and giggle. I'd miss my friends and the safety and comfort of my home. I still can retire and travel and see the world whenever I please, I really could. But I really think I like my life, just the way it is, right here in the Valley, close to those I love.

Money, money, money.

We need it. It's hard to get. Some have more than others. Some don't have any. Money. "Love of money is the root of all evil." The Bible. Jackie Mason - "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." Edith Wharton - "The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it." Rita Rudner - "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." Woody Allen - "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

I'm at the age when I'm thinking about retirement. How good it could be, how much I'd like not to work, what wonderful things I could do with my time.....And then I wake up and think about the reality of how much money I might have, how much money I would need, and how the two don't jive. I think about how I should have saved more all these years, how I shouldn't have bought this or that, how I should have invested better, how I should have sought a more lucrative career. Shouda, woulda, coulda.

So it was good timing to have a financial planner as our Wow speaker this month. Meet Elad Goren, partner in Financial Pointe, a 34-year-old man who was well dressed, well spoken, and very down-to-earth, the advisor to one of our Wowettes who is retiring with a nice solid nest-egg. He taught us about what financial planners actually do, which is a lot more than investing your money, and talked about how boring his plans for our money will be. Find a way to make our money grow and leave it there. How easy is that? It was surprising how little we all know about investments and how little money some of us have. It's never too late to start making money for our retirement, he assured us. That's good news.

I like Elad. He was a good teacher, explaining concepts so we all understood them easily. Like how people pull their money out of their plans when the value goes down and then put the money back in when the value goes up. His example was like going to Nordstrom's for a 50% off sale and saying we would wait until the prices went up again before we buy. It's amazing that, with something as vital as our money we are not so smart.

Just like any other of life's problems, it's best not to just sit and worry, but to take action. Best not to fret about the future, but do constructive things to make it better and still enjoy the moment. So my advice is to call Elad at 818-338-3570 or 888-339-3570 and talk about your money and your future. He promises to take any calls and answer any questions. Nice guy, seemed honest and smart. And he just might make your future greener!

Marriage as a purchase.

Geez, I haven't posted in forever! Really, not much to say, just living a quiet life, single, listening to married girlfriends reminding me how being married isn't necessarily a great thing, going out with single girlfriends and having the best time, and fielding phone calls from other single women friends who are meeting not-so-fab men. Ah, last week I did two loads of laundry and left the clean clothes on my kitchen bar counter for five days and no one complained. No one noticed. I can do 1000 piece puzzles on my kitchen table, wear baggy sweats, and not get dressed on the weekend and no one notices. Is that bad? Naw, kinda cool, I think.

So I'm home from work on a Wednesday, having survived another day working for doctors. Excellent docs, but picky and unreasonable and demanding. Another day, another dollar. And I remain grateful to have a job in these tough economic times.

So I have that new doctor, finally calming down after three years working with us, maybe finally realizing that our combined 50 years experience might just mean that we know more about running a medical office than a new doctor with zero, none, not-one-minute, of training in billing, coding, scheduling, authorizations, collections, and the other zillion things required for us to have such a successful office. We're actually starting to enjoy him, now that he realizes that we might be an asset to him.

Our new doc is pushing to switch to an EMR system, the new electronic medical records package we can use for all the office functions and allow us to see our records online, rather than in paper charts. I find it exciting and daunting all at once, having heard many horror stories about how it can take six to nine months or more to get past the chaos of learning and using this kind of system. Remember, I'm the one who went to college in my 40s and had the best time, so clearly I like a challenge.

So I've been talking to a guy at one of the systems we're considering for the office, a smart and rather no-nonsense guy who tells it like it is, but clearly thinks his system is one of the best. After days and days of me calling him with my "Question of the Day," he finally said that buying such a system is like deciding who to marry, that we should make a very careful decision since getting out of it can be a nightmare. I don't know, I looked at 60 houses before buying mine and researched many long hours before buying my Suburu, but made some pretty emotional and impetuous decisions about husbands. I still have my house and my Suburu, but I'm definitely single.

Being human beings, maybe most or even all of our decisions are emotional. I buy a dress because it makes me feel pretty or sexy. I like to eat comfort food, see funny movies so I can laugh and romantic movies so I can feel happy, and I like to be with my friends because I feel loved and wanted. We buy things or pick out mates based on what we hope to feel, wishing that the object will bring us satisfaction or our mate will hold our hand in hard times. Just as whatever system our office buys will have its good and bad points, the mates we choose will have qualities we like and some we wish he didn't have. We make our decisions based on the information we have at the time and the hopes we wish it will fulfill and sometimes we get more information and regret our decisions. But sometimes not making decisions is worse, requiring us to use old outdated software or not dating and missing out on the possibility of a new romance. So I say to my docs, pick one and let's get started! And to myself, maybe it's time for me to give a new guy a chance. Maybe.