Overnights, crocs, and wrong numbers.

As you know, I am single and haven't dated for almost one year. I'm feeling fine about it, and don't have any great, or even small, desire to seek out some great guy to date. It's a comfortable place to be, and comfortable is good.

But I do have friends who are dating, so I do get to hear about singles-over-fifty-dating-adventures and, the more I hear, the more I'm glad I'm not dating. One of my friends, we'll call her Missy, was unceremoniously dumped by a boyfriend of five years, just before last Christmas. She was pretty shaken, but recovered quickly, saying that it was just the end to one chapter of her life's book. Pretty cool friends I have, don't I!

So Missy has placed a few personal ads on a few dating sites and has been meeting lots and lots (and lots!) of guys, since then. She convinced it's a numbers game, that we have to meet lots of guys to find one we'd like to keep, and meanwhile she's enjoying the process. Last weekend, she had three 1st-meet-dates with three different guys. Mr. Friday night was nice, but a bit too much older than Missy, yet he admitted that "all his parts work" and she enjoyed his company, so she saw him again when he invited her over for dinner and to see some of his hobbies. And made her a dinner that included ...tater tots! And then tonight he called to invite her over again, this time for overnight, to which she said that she'd like to get to know him before doing that, which to her means going spending time together going out, you know....dating?!? To which he responded that sleeping together was the best way to get to know each other. To which she said, no thank you and don't call again.

Mr. Saturday night was good company, not her type, she says, but she wouldn't mind seeing him again. Until yesterday when he called her, she recognized his number, said hello, and he said "sorry, wrong number" and hung up. They had previously agreed that she would call him a few nights later, which she did, but he was curt and non-communicative on the phone, quickly saying, "thanks for calling" and hanging up. What? So tonight he called her on her cell phone at work, said that he was calling to confirm tomorrow's date, and she responded with "excuse me?" to which he replied, "I'm the guy you talked to last night for 1 1/2 hours." Oops. Gotta keep your women straight, guys!

But my favorite from her weekend is Mr. Sunday, the guy who planned to meet her at a local park and bring a picnic dinner. He arrived wearing orange crocs, you know those strange rubber shoes that one should really only wear while gardening, pink flamingo socks, jeans, brightly multicolored shirt, ponytail with the sides of his hair sticking straight out. And really, really huge thick red sunglasses. I'm not making this up. And the picnic? Fresh warm bread. That's good. Argentinian wine. Tasty. But the rest? Olive spread, weird cheese, and artichoke hearts. And oranges for dessert. And Missy doesn't like olives.

So, see, I don't have to date! I can just live through my friend Missy and enjoy the antics of the strange and weird men who inhabit our over-50 dating world. Unless some really nice, really normal, really fun, and really cute guy comes along unexpectedly. Until then, being comfortable without a man is the plan.

Mothers, daughters, and love.

Happy Mothers Day! I hope you and your families have had a most wonderful day, celebrating motherhood. I had a wonderful Mothers Day!

Holidays like this always bring up old feelings in me. My own mother had a tough life, being raised like Cinderella, having to take care of the house and four brothers, suffering abuse and lack of love. Her life with my dad was a struggle, with my dad being difficult and not much money to go around, but she maintained a joyful spirit, always finding something to be happy about. She had her children in the 50s and was the kind of mom who worked hard, doing the all the housework and shopping and ironing and tending to her husband and children, always holding down a full time job at the same time. Maybe because of her difficult childhood, she didn't know how to be a good mom, and I have no memories of being loved or held or told that I was special, but we made up at her final illness. When she died, I knew she loved me, and all of my past heartaches were replaced with a sense of peace.

I have a daughter of my own, and I raised her not knowing anything about how to do it and being divorced when she was three years old. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but she turned out to be a warm, caring, intelligent mom who is devoted to her family and it shows in her happy husband and lovely children. She took me to a brunch yesterday, a fund raiser put on by the Moms Club (mothers of multiples) and we had a really good time. The location was beautiful, the food delicious, and the activities were fun. But, most of all, I was able to watch her in the midst of friends and acquaintances, see her be confident and strong, enjoy how she participated in the conversations about how to pick a child's school, and see how others greeted her with pleasure.

I've always said that having a child and watching as they turn into a self-sufficient adult who makes healthy decisions is one of life's greatest joys. Seeing my daughter as an adult is having watched a miracle unfold,as she grew from the child of a clueless single mom into a really magnificant and beautiful adult. She writes a blog about finding joy in the little things (www.itsallaboutthesmall stuff.blogspot.com) in which she shares her philosophy about how important it is to pay attention to the little things in life, like a child's smile or the pleasure of making cookies together. I'm not sure what is the point of this post, except to say that I'm incredibly blessed to have her in my life, this beautiful child of mine who overcame her own difficult childhood to grow into a spirited and loving adult. That's her in the picture with me above. Isn't she something?

Dizziness, labyrinthitis, and personal ads.

Once again, I’ve been home from work with a new illness. This one is labyrinthitis. So I wake up in the morning, look at the clock and decide I can sleep another 45 minutes but I’d better feed the pooch so he lets me sleep and I get up, walk to the door, and crash into a wall. When I got my bearing, I tried to walk through the doorway and found I couldn’t walk straight and the room was seriously spinning. Holding on to the walls and the furniture, I made my way to the kitchen, fed the dog, and staggered back into bed. Later, I managed to crawl to the couch where I stayed most of the day, since sitting caused the room to spin and standing up caused me to fall over. Labyrinthitis. An inner ear thing, I was told, and I spent several days watching bad TV on the couch. Obviously, I couldn’t go to the doctor, so I called and she told me what she thought it was and said that it would go away in a few days, and she was right.

Meanwhile, when I was finally able to sit up for a minute or two, I decided to place a personal ad so I would at least have some email to read during my recovery (and boredom). Since my previous ads have brought little in the way of quality men, I wondered what it is that I should really say that would entice good guys in an ad, so I titled it “What does a man want to hear?” and listed my attributes and what I wanted from a man as questions, asking if those were things that would interest men. Thought you’d enjoy some of the responses……


From a man who doesn’t know what men want:
I’m not really sure what a man wants to hear but I’d be interested in hearing more about the man you’re seeking …

From a man of few words:
A man wants to hear 'yes' ..

From a whiny guy:
A man does NOT want to hear whiny.... "I want..I want... I want"... "I want my prince charming just like in the movies, we will waaaalk on the beach into the sunset"... Do you think guys want to hear that kind of drivel? Why do women think that guys just want to hear their lists of "I wants"? Try to captivate, not to antagonize.

From a guy who clearly didn’t read the ad:
you got my attention - I'm in pasadena - 52 and single .. yippie!

Just listen and feed them pizza?:
All we care about is that you have cold sodas and good pizza on the weekends when we want to see a fotball game! And if you behave good we might just spend some time with you . OH ! and we love a lady that listens .Good luck -and you will find a good man soon ! just be positive and you are beautifull like all the others ,feel it and believe it ,we sence what you want us to sence from you gals. !

Yuck, who’d want to meet this guy?:
Every woman says she's looking for someone to make her laugh... is that real? How about being responsible for your own happiness and then sharing that with a man who does the same for himself. Then you both are contributing. I don't know anyone who claims not to love to travel. Being 50 is no guarantee that a person has grown or become wiser for the years. I'd have to say, based upon the dependent conditions/wants you stated, that you are not wiser for your years. I wish you were, I'd love to meet a woman near my age who gets it that men are not responsible for her happiness. It's a partnership right down the middle, and if you don't want that, does that mean you will give up your half of the "say so" in the relationship? I doubt it, so lets be real shall we.
You want to know what real men want to hear... well now you have it.

What?!?!?
INTERESTING !ARE YOU A CHILL FOR A SITEPLEASE EONT REPLY I NOT--- I LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

Is it me, or does this guy not make sense?
that there was strong empirical evidence that females from 14-28 aren't looking for "fun" (aka casual) relationships and when they get into their latter years, only then start looking for serious guys to marry, bear children, and financially provide for someone who lived their life so selfishly and narrow-minded. and then continue to breed and feed the younger female generation to emulate those predecessors. how about one that is career oriented and when guys think successful, they think ceo. when girls think successful, non-mom, non-homemaker, probably non-wife to many guys, non-golddigger, non-life leech, and as non-full-of-shit as they can be.
or as close as to that deviation where a latter generation of males, do not perpetuate nor instill this type of jaded-perspective that i have come to think and seek out of despair.

And from a guy who keeps it simple:
All a man wants to hear is that his woman is loyal,
respects him, and that she sincerely loves him.
That would be plenty!

So, yes, I’m better. I can walk a straight line and the room is holding still. I hear that this might occur again if I move my head a certain way, but I think really that I’ve had just about enough ailments this year and will be healthy from now on. It appears, however, that I will continue not to date, considering the kind of guys I seem to attract, but I’ve got my kids and grandkids and good friends and interesting books and now, my health, so all’s well!

Puzzles, airconditioning, and repairmen.

That's a picture of my amazing twin grandchildren putting together a puzzle yesterday with the not-so-helpful assistance of my tabby Simone. The kitty was a "gift" to me years ago when a friend of a friend moved away and couldn't take her, and she's been the sweetest cat ever. A little six-pound furry thing is such a pleasure in my life.

It's been a quiet weekend in Chatsworth, nothing earth-shaking to write about, but a few interesting thoughts to share. It was my daughter's birthday on Friday, and that day always brings to mind the story of her birth, the first natural childbirth by Lamaze at a local hospital. I love to tell her the story and she always acts like she hates to hear it, but I think she must appreciate it anyway, how I always end it by saying how beautiful she was, and still is. It's one of life's greatest treasures to raise a child and see her or him turn into a healthy, well functioning adult who makes good decisions and is happy. I admit to not having been the best parent for her, so I'm constantly amazed at how strong she is, how she has raised such well-balanced and happy children, how she picked such a wonderful man to marry, how she has made such really great friends, and how she chooses to stay close to me. Amazing.

And yesterday I talked to one of my best friends who just went through a break-up. I was reminded that everyone has faults and quirks and things about them we wouldn't like, but the trick is to find someone whose faults are tolerable. She was with a guy who seemed like he was made for her, but in reality he had anger and control issues that she disliked and couldn't tolerate. I applaud her for making the choice to break up within a few months of meeting him, rather than making excuses and growing to resent him or putting up with something that makes her feel bad. Then I was lucky enough to have lunch with another very busy friend and realized that, although we can tolerate certain things in a mate, sometimes those things taken to the extreme can stretch our patience. She's been married to a guy with his own special quirks for a while and talked about how, if she were single now, her list of what to look for in a mate would include such things as if he is in debt, if people owe him money, if a business of his ever failed, etc, etc. I think about how much time I spent researching the purchase of a car and how little time we spend researching a potential mate and I wonder if there is a way to have our dates answer all the important questions before we get involved, but I know that wouldn't work. Too un-romantic, I suppose.

And I got my airconditioning fixed! It was super hot for a few days this week, like breaking 95-year-old weather records, and I realized that my AC didn't work. So I called my favorite appliance repair guys (AM PM Appliance Repair - 818-718-0702) and figured it would be likely $1000, but to my great surprise, it was fixed in thirty minutes for $250! I love those guys, a Russian immigrant family who I always think could be cousins of my dad, they look so much like my relatives. They're honest and prompt and courteous and always do a good job. Another of life's little treasures, knowing quality repairmen.

So, not much exciting in my life, but I'm relaxed and content and feeling well. My daughter and her family are healthy and happy. My women friends are doing fine. The weather is beautiful. I have a roof over my head, a job, and a few dollars in the bank. Life is grand.

Illness, nurturing, and Tarnie.

Yes, I'm back! And yes, I've been sick. I'm feeling like my old self again, after months of feeling pretty bad, and my advice to me and everyone is to get medical care when the first strange symptoms arise. Just took me a lot longer to get well because I waited a few days to see the doctor. So thanks to those of you who wrote and emailed and called to find out what's up and offer your help, I really appreciate your kindness.

And now that I'm well, I want to tell you about another Wow meeting, held in the midst of my illness and no, I didn't want to cancel because I wanted to meet the speaker Tarnie Fulloon (www.bodyfreedom.com). As has happened over and over with these monthly meetings, the info the speaker presents seems to be exactly what I personally need in my life, right then and there. Tarnie talked about elements of feminine energy, which means our ability to nurture, give, be nonjudgemental, and be the care givers to those we love. In our usual everyday lives, we use male energy to be strong career women, meaning that we have to be in our heads, be driven, push and strive and be aggressive. And most of us, having achieved this power and independence, have found that something is missing, unless we spend the time to access again our feminine energy and, most of all, use it to take care of ourselves so that we can replace the energy we give away, that we can learn again to receive, to connect, that we can feel again. We need to nurture ourselves, just as we usually nurture others, and we need to find ways to do it daily, before it affects our health and our bodies.

So, for the first time ever, I actually took one week off of work to allow myself to heal. And I did it without guilt, which is the major victory, thanks to Tarnie. It was especially interesting how she helped us re-access our feminine energy by using movements, by swaying and moving to music, focusing on certain parts of our bodies where we felt tension or pain. Rather than just hearing the message, Tarnie helped us to integrate the message into our bodies and our psyche, to have the message become part of who we are internally, and it sure worked for me. I have never chosen to stay home when sick, to purposely decide to tend to my own needs, and probably this is why I have recovered from what could have been a catastrophic illness. My hugs and love to Tarnie - check out her website for more specific details on her philosophy and her classes. She's a delight, just a treasure, and has so much to offer and give. (www.bodyfreedom.com)

So, again, thanks to all who inquired about my absence. You are all in my thoughts and my heart. Please take care of yourselves, nurture yourselves, take time each day to be quiet and still, eat well, and think positive nurturing thoughts. I'll see you soon! xo

Personality, teeth, and men.

I'm feeling alive again!!! I'm almost well!!! Yeah!!! It's been over two weeks and now I'm still coughing and sneezing and sniffling, but I feel pretty good! Yeah!

I admit to watching way too much TV while I've been sick. I love the Millionaire Matchmaker, the show where the CEO of a matchmaking company tells the guys what they don't want to hear. These supposedly really rich guys pay her lots of money to find them "true love" and seem not to have a clue about themselves or women. The millionaire guys list their desired qualities in a mate such things as being a good mother, being strong and independent, and having financial success, but then they pick a woman based only on eye appeal, the one in the slinky dress with all her physical attributes right up front. And then there is a millionairess who lists as her desired qualities in a man as what he wears, what he drives, where he travels, etc. Even Dr. Phil had a show today with a woman who says that the guy must wear certain labels and drive at least a Maserati or a Bentley. Do they consider a mate's character, love of family, desire for spiritual growth, or willingness to be respectful and loving? No.

I admit I'm still not dating. I am, however, enjoying hearing about one girlfriend's adventures in dating land. Sometimes, she has three or four dates in one weekend, meeting guys who found her through dating sites, and usually will report in after the meeting that she liked the guy, but he wasn't for her. Sometimes, the guy is fabulous in email or on the phone and lacking in personality in person. Across the board, they list their height as 5'9" and have all been shorter than her 5'4". But my favorite is the day she had been on two happily anticipated coffee dates and left a message afterwards on my phone that said, "I've met the two guys and all I can say is that - teeth are important." I'm still laughing at that one.

So what's really important in a mate, I ask myself. I'd like a guy with good character and who is a bit of a character. Kinda out-of-the-box, a guy who thinks for himself and doesn't follow the crowd. Liberal politically. Makes me laugh. Likes to make a woman feel special. Healthy, financially and emotionally. Likes animals and children. Has passion about life. And yes, has teeth.

Sniffles, music, and girlfriends.

For all of you who've been wondering where I've been, I'm here, but I've been down with a nasty, icky virus that makes me cough and sneeze and not be able to talk. I did go to the doctor after four days, hoping for some magic pills, but alas all I got was a message that it would take two to three weeks to go away. And now it's two weeks and I can see some improvement, so apparently the doctor was right.

So I've been working, of course, and then coming home to crash. Ten days in a row without going out, except to work. Yow. This past weekend, I did go to UCLA to see Dan Zanes in concert with my daughter and the grandkids and that was really wonderful. How to describe Dan Zanes? A guy raised in the 60s with an obvious desire to bring people together through music, his concert moved both children and their parents to sing and dance and have a great time. (That's a pic of the happy grandchildren before the concert.) And then the kids stayed over that night, and they were delightful. As usual. Lucky me.

I did have dinner Friday night and last night with two different girlfriends. Friday night, I met a new friend, a woman who works in another doctor's office. We've talked for years on the phone about work issues and lately been sharing some personal things, enough to realize that we have a lot in common and might enjoy being friends. And sure enough, she was a delight and enough like me in so many ways that it was both strange and wonderful. She's a spunky woman, lived her life her own way, from leaving home as a teenager, travelling to work in Japan, and staying with the same man for thirty-eight years. She's a Buddhist and a spiritual healer who teaches yoga to teens in jail, obviously a strong woman but still having some of the same feelings as I do, like feeling overwhelmed at work. It's always touching and comforting to meet others who share similar angst, like just knowing each other makes us more able to cope with our daily struggles. And sometimes she calls me at work just to tell me she's thinking of me or to sing a few bars of a silly song. I feel stronger and more alive just with one evening with her and look forward to getting to know her better. Again, lucky me.

And last night, I was invited out to eat with my friend Kathy, her new boyfriend, and her mom. Kathy is a woman who is hugely kind and generous, who takes care of her aging mom, runs her own business, and has the most beautiful home in Baja. She's been wanting to meet a great guy for a long time, with no success. But she's taken the past year or so to confront some of her demons, do some healing work with a therapist, and continue to be a very dear friend to me. And just like that, a friend introduced her to a guy who really does seem like a gift, a guy who seems like he was made for her, a guy who obviously adores her, and I'm amazed that this could happen. Delighted for her, no question, but amazed that there could be a guy, a very nice guy, who has been there all along and now, just when she is healthy and ready and free of baggage, he appears at her side. He was so much fun during dinner, just made me laugh the whole time, yet he was kind to Kathy's mom, obviously a loving father, and I feel like he's been our friend for years. I'd say that Kathy is lucky, but she dearly deserves such a great guy to love her. Lucky me to know them both.

So I haven't done much in the past few weeks, but I feel richer than ever, especially with making a new woman friend and being part of Kathy's new life, and I feel blessed. Very lucky me.