Bugs and parties and flowers.

I'm home today with a bit of a bug, feeling guilty about missing work. Is this a chick thing? I work for a couple of docs who never take a day off, never, so they don't understand when one of us gets sick and stays home. They are very dedicated docs, but I have to go through this whole thing of dealing with my guilt when I get sick. Thanks to my beautiful curly-haired daughter's words today, I'm going to think of it as my body telling me something. That I need to rest and relax and let it heal. 'Nuff said.

Sorry about any negativity in that last post. I hear some people think I really don't like men or that I don't want one of my own, but that's just not true. And I heard that my best friend who moved to another state told my daughter that she and I have learned to live alone and that we like it. I really enjoy my home, my yard, my stuff, I really do. I partied a lot in my younger days, and have good memories, and sometimes I think I 'should' be doing those fun things again. But life changes and we change and I'm enjoying the quiet and calm in my home.

I've also heard people say that I have a stake in staying single and unconnected, since I write this blog about being single. I hate to defend myself, but let's just say that, if I connected with a great guy I could just write about that, what it's like to be in a new and developing relationship. I like being alone and I like having a guy around, and I have to think it is possible to have both. It just hasn't been the right time. If I had been in a relationship, I wouldn't have created WOW, I wouldn't have met all these amazing women, I wouldn't have heard all these insightful speakers, and I wouldn't have created the Cocktail Party Experiment. I will never know the effects of the friendships and speakers and parties on anyone else, but I have to think they have had some positive and good effects on at least a few people, and I'm glad for that.

So what's the point here? Maybe I should stop thinking, like it says in the book my daughter loaned me, "Way of the Peaceful Warrior." The mind and thinking are what get's up into trouble and brings anxiety and discomfort, it says, among other things. The "Secret" says that what we think we will create, and isn't that the opposite of the Warrior? In the last few years, I've been aware that there seems to be a pattern to my life, that situations and circumstances I've faced seem to all have a lesson for me and a purpose. I'm not religious, but I've come to believe that there really is someone or something that is trying to teach me about life and about myself and that I just have to be conscious about being on this path, allowing myself to see the lessons I'm supposed to learn.

I used to think I had to "make things happen." That it was my energy and planning that created my life. Now, I think it's important to be quiet and listen to that little voice inside of me telling me what path to take, what actions to pursue, what people to allow into my life. So the Party seems to be one of those things that I'm supposed to do. I hope it's fun for everyone and a positive experience for all. And maybe I'll meet the next and hopefully last guy of my life that night. Or maybe it's not time yet. Meanwhile, I'll take it moment by moment, stopping to smell the flowers like my little almost 4-year-old curly-haired granddaughter in the picture above.

Do I want them live and in person?

The 2nd Cocktail Party Experiment is this weekend on Saturday night. The first one was surprisingly successful so we thought we'd do it again. I've got a much bigger email list of interested partygoers now so we might have quite a crowd. My life is pretty peaceful lately, but a good party is hard to resist. Especially since I organized it.

The intent was to get the single ladies of WOW off their online dating sites and into the real world. Or into a room with a good band and lots of cool guys our age that are looking for someone like us. Seems like a viable solution to the on-and-on emailing or the parade of coffee dates with men we know immediately on sight that they aren't for us. Hence, the party. Live and in person.

So I thought, just for fun, I'd read a few ads on an online dating site where I'd met a few guys in the past. Thought I'd share a few with you, of course! One guy wrote: I do engineering crap for a major company. On the weekends, I like to goof off on my Harley and work on the house. I like beer, margaritas and cigars once in a while. I consider myself half biker, half tech geek! I know that doesn't add up, but go figure, will ya! Constructive stuff, leemy think...................Crap? Why don't you just say a whole bunch of things that will turn us off right away, fella?!?

And another guys started out strong: I'm an active person up for adventures and learning. But then he slid right into some stuff that we just don't want to hear: Yes, I can be hardheaded, but I WILL ask for directions...and actually listen. Geez, don't you think we've been with enough hard-headed guys to know that we're gonna be the ones that end up asking for directions and that guys like that might listen, but only to get enough from us to make an argument work for them. Or so they think.

And again the next guy starts off good with Creation and design are the driving forces in my life, and I pursue them with all my heart.Things (and people) I love: Disney Hall, Tom Robbins, Monk, tennis, the subway, Tanqueray Ten, Archery Summit, asparagus soup, Oksanna, moguls, Webern, Westridge trail, tennis, green, eucalyptus, maple, San Ysidro...oh yeah, did I say tennis? Golly, I don't know what all those things are! Is it just me?!? And then he redeems himself with what we love to hear: Good: I listen well, communicate well, am loyal, affectionate, handy, supportive and generous. Shoulda stopped right there and not added: Bad: I procrastinate, spend too much on musical stuff, have a difficult time with lesser-of-two-evil choices.If this appeals to you...At least he's honest. I think.

And then: I appreciate affection and smiles and good humor, especially if things do not go as planned. I appreciate sophistication and elegance on occasion, and down to earth practicality when needed. I have always been drawn to strong, independent, intelligent women who love to laugh and enjoy life. Nice, didn't put his foot into his mouth at all. But lots of men say they want a strong, independent, intelligent woman but then they get one and they don't always like it. What's that about?

OK, So what about this guy who titles his ad "Intelligent guy seeks honest woman" and writes: I LOVE ROMANCE,PASSION AND WOMEN.my life is empty without a good smart women toshare it with.Exersice and healthy food is very important to me and i feel much younger and look younger than my age.Love to travel and also am very spontanios, checking into the four seasons for the weekend and get room service and masages.Going to las vegas,i do business there.wine country.THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IS AN HONEST REALANSHIP,THE ONLY THING I WILL LIE ABOUT IS IF A WOMEN ASKED ME IF HER BUT LOOKS BIG.i ALSO RESPECT WOMEN AND LOVE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING OK, where do I start? Use spellcheck. Think before you write. Use full sentences. Did I say use spellcheck?

And last but definitely not least: I'M ITELLIGENT, FIT, GOOD LOOKING, WITTY, WORLDLY, WELL TRAVELED,HUMOROUS, RICH, POOR, SEXY, UGLY, THE ULTIMATE PARAMOUR AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU DESIRE. I AM VERY OPEN MINDED AND WOULD LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WITH THE SAME TRAITS. Spellcheck?!? Geez, after dozens of speakers teaching the Wowettes to take men just as they are and not to try to change them, here is a guy that says he'll become anything we want. Not so sure we'd really want that, after all.

So maybe the internet is a good thing. We can find out things we don't like about guys without having to meet them. In person, we won't know if he can spell or if he lies about our butts. We'll have to figure it out by talking to them and listening to what they say and seeing if there's chemistry all by ourselves, without the aid of a questionaire or a written profile or the prodding of a cold computer program. But in person, we can talk, we can dance, we can flirt, and we can have fun. Show us how terrific you guys really are! I can't wait.

p.s. If you haven't been invited to the Party, let me know and I'll put you on the list. The more the merrier!!!

I love these guys!

The Party is May 12th, and I'm doing the pre-party hostess thing, worrying about it. You know, I worry about all those things over which I have no control, like if people will show up or if the people who do show up will have fun or if there will be enough guys for the ladies or enough ladies for the guys. Whew! Just like I tell everyone else, there is no point in worrying, it just wastes energy, but do I listen to my own advice? Maybe I'll listen to my friend Rookie, who said, "You can worry about the party, or be calm, neither will affect the outcome." She should know, she's the creater of www.SuperSingleMixers.com and has thrown a lot of successful parties herself. She says she'll be there to help me at the Party, lucky me!

So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I wrote an email to the guys on the Party List, asking for them to RSVP so I'd know how many fabulous women to invite. I didn't know if the guys would really do the RSVP thing, being guys and all, but imagine my surprise when I received the first one: "rings on my fingers, bells on my toes, I will be there!" Well, that certainly cheered me up. I love a funny guy!

But then the replies kept coming! Another guy wrote, "Hey Ellen...how are you today? I had a great time at your last party and am looking forward to seeing all of you women again on the 12th. This really is a great thing you have going...bye for now." Ah, thank you, it's great to be appreciated! Be sure to introduce yourself at the Party!

And then this one, " Yes, of course, I'll be there! You couldn't keep me away even if you had Rosie O'Donnell, in a really bad mood, stationed at the entrance with a box full of pepper spray. Not that you would, of course. One question, though... what about a suggestion or two on dress for the men? Too stuffy - not good. Too casual - equally not good. Cruise ship / country club attire? We guys just want you ladies to feel like the beautiful creatures you really are so we all can have a great time. Best wishes" He thinks we're beautiful!!! Or he's a really smart guy and knows what a girl likes to hear! This pre-Party stuff is so much fun! I assured him that Rosie would not be there at the entrance, no way, and that we ladies love to see a guy looking good, like in slacks and a well-pressed shirt and maybe even a sports coat. And some musky cologne, I love when guys smell good, oooooh! Just no white or blue shoes, I told him, and he answered, "OK, how about white belts, double knit trousers, and Member's Only Jackets?" Forgive me, I'm just imagining that this guy probably really knows how to dress and will look great. So, just to play with him, as I love a guy who can banter, I asked him what guys like to see on a woman? In public, I added? He answered, "Ellen, I'm glad you qualified that question with, 'In public.' Please tell the ladies to wear just enough to stay cool while dancing and enough to keep to make us keep our eyes on their faces rather than their bust lines -- at least most of the time, anyway. After all, the eyes are the mirror of the soul, not the breasts, although those come in a close second!" Ok, he's a guy. No question. Hope he smells good.

And, of course, there is that email that I don't understand. Tell me if this is intelligible or not,
"You are just too kind ellen and a fine lady. LOVE your name as I too was a real fan of marlo thomas and That girl." Thatellen is really not my name, you know, but my email address, but OK I understand that part, sort of. Then he wrote, "Today is the first. I am doing well and yourself? My problem is that I am doing very well all the time, retired at age 50, not bad huh? Not that rich, not that poor, time is well spent. My cat is 15yrs old and asleep. An extremely good friend met her husband online. Who knows, do you?" Does that mean he's planning to attend the event? His cat? Online? Did I miss something? Huh?

OK, so let me end this post with the Mr. Eternal Optimist or Mr. Wishful Thinking, "Hello Ellen, I will see you there. Please put me down for two gorgeous women. : ) See you soon." Ah, big guy, you can have as many women as will have you!!! Did I say that you guys were fun already?!? Can't wait to meet you live and in person! (Don't forget to smell good, I'm gonna check!)

Are we are own worst date?

The Party is two weeks away. I've already written the questions from the guys and the Wowettes' answers on the previous post. That was fun, reading the questions to the ladies and hearing their laughter and then their thoughtful answers. Some questions were fun and funny and others made us sad, but that's life, isn't it, the emotions we face while living. I like to call it existential angst, the pain of living, but then I'm a recent college graduate with a degree in philosophy, did you know that?!?

Since that post, I've received a few more comments from the guys. One wrote, "Hi Ellen thanks again for the updates on the single's party. I have to be honest I have never done anything like this before and I must say I am nervous. Keep those messages coming and I'll see you soon." I like that in a man, that he is able to admit his fears and do it anyway. I wrote him back that I'm looking forward to meeting him and that he should introduce himself, whisper to me that he's the guy who is a bit nervous and that I will introduce him to the ladies until he is comfortable. His answer to that was, Ellen you're too cool thanks I feel more comfortable already!" Aahhh, nice. Another guy wrote, "Where are the personal profiles of women? Without that, I should just go to a bar or a Russian women website." I think he should. Definitely.

So really, what's the intention for this Party? I want my Wowettes and other single ladies our age to meet a group of great guys who are also looking for a partner, a relationship, maybe their last love. I wanted us to do it the "old-fashioned" way, meeting in a public place in a setting where we can have fun and be ourselves and see the guys as they really are. I really want it to be a fun time for everyone and, if any of us meet someone we'd like to see again, that's even better.

But one guy's email shook me up. He wrote, "My question for you or your group is: "How do we get past the feeling of being used or just a meal ticket?" Wanted: .... generous, .... This comprises most posts and leaves no doubt of the meaning. All activities lists are the higher end: "concerts, theater, fine dining." They never mention McDonalds or Home town buffet. "Love to travel exotic places." Nothing is mentioned of who they are, the real person below the surface, or why I'd be interest in them. I don't want my penis enlarged or pay to view their pictures. Like most men my age, I watch my spending habits. I can't go out an earn it again. Also, time is a precious asset; I don't want to waste it with a door-nob. I want conversation on a mutual level, companionship, a special someone who knows I'm there for her when she needs me, and intimacy." I wrote him back that the ladies I know, all of whom are self-supporting and independent women, are looking for a man who wants to take walks, go for drives, see movies sitting on the couch - we just want a man who is a friend and lover and hopefully good under the sheets. I told him to take the lady to somewhere like Descanco Gardens or the Santa Monica Pier, where they can talk and people watch and have a very inexpensive meal and he can find out who she really is. If she's not happy with that date, then he can move on. If she's delighted, then a second date is in order.

But he wrote again, "How can you tell, in advance, what her agenda is? If you're wasting your time and money on a woman who is damaged goods (seriously damaged)? The one who doesn't want to find anyone, only taken out. One who doesn't care about you or anyone else and never will. It's all about being taken out and shown a good time. Her favorite manta is "Next". Remember, we're male - we're blind when it comes to clues and never ask direction." Geez, isn't that the purpose of dating, to find out these things? To get to know the other person? I don't know any other way to find out who the other person is, if they are emotionally healthy, if they can make me laugh, if they have similar values, etc etc, unless I spend time with them, keep my eyes and ears open, and pay attention to what they are telling me about themselves.

And then he slammed me and what I wrote in a previoius post, "What about the woman who goes out with you, has fun, takes you to bed (fun under the sheets), and then kicks you out in the morning (I've got to get something done). Oops! That's you! Never mind. LOL (Your blog)" Ouch. At first, I thought this guy was sincerely looking for information about women, something to help him be more successful in meeting a good woman, but now I realize that he's just angry and bitter, and that's sad. I've had a few other emails like this, guys saying negative things about "all women," and I have to think their attitude pushes woman away and might even cause them to attract the very women they complain about so they can prove their theories. And that's even sadder.

Dating isn't easy, I admit. It's hard to see the "real" person when we are all wrapped up in our physical attraction or the thought that maybe he's "the one." Sometimes we ignore the red flags because we just don't want to see them. Sometimes the guy has a few things on our "required list" and so we think he must have the rest of the list, too. Sometimes we ladies are as blind as you guys and certainly we delude ourselves into thinking that the guy's bad traits will magically go away and that he will turn into Prince Charming. But, again, that's what dating is for, to have fun and see the other person as he or she really is, to see the good and the bad and decide if this one is a "keeper."

So, I vote that we take the time before the Party on May 12th to examine our own attitudes, see if we have any "all men" or "all women" views and cast them aside. Let's look at ourselves and make sure we are not hindered by our negative attitudes about the opposite sex and let's replace our past "baggage" with a hopeful and positive attitude. Let's make it a great Party full of fabulously upbeat people having fun together. We have that choice. Let's make it happen.

The Guys Ask Questions.

So, we WOWettes are gearing up for our Second Cocktail Party Experiment. I wrote about the first one a few posts back and I still remember how much fun it was. A room full of singles our ages who usually meet via online dating sites and now are meeting in person. Imagine thirty men and thirty women having fun, completely skipping the emailing back and forth, the first phone call, and the "Coffee Date." I hate coffee dates, have I said that? I don't drink coffee and I just can't imagine a more unnatural place to have a first meeting. Consider the Cocktail Party as a remedy to bad first dates and the disappointments of dating sites.

So, I have created an email list of singles who want to attend the next party. A big, big list of men and women who may meet the person of their dreams on May 12th or at least have one heck of a fun Saturday night. I'm thinking there will be maybe double the crowd of the first one! So, to keep you all interested until the party, I asked the guys to send me their questions about women and offered to get the answers from the WOWettes at tonight's meeting. The ladies loved your questions and had some great fun with the answers, so here they are:

1) Recent pix and bio information on the gals would really help, especially for those of us who are coming from far and have particular tastes we are in touch with. OK, it's not really a question, but we answered it anyway. "It's a party so think of it like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." There are pix on other posts in this blog and there are a lot of women I don't know coming from other groups, so you'll just have to take your chances. Think of it as an adventure. A room full of beautiful women who want to meet you? How could you stay away?

2) I'd like to know the general age of the individuals and whether they are interested in meeting someone for a serious long term commitment. Doesn't a question end with a question mark? "We're all different and some of us do and some of us don't." I think more of us would say we do if we meet the right guy. Ages? I'm gearing toward a 40s and 50s crowd, but anyone is welcome.

3) Why won't they let us nap on a Saturday afternoon? "What? You're napping on a Saturday afternoon without US?" We all like to "nap."

4) Is it true that women think about sex as much as men do? "Yes. Sometimes. Some of us." More than you think.

5) Can we forgive ourselves for the mistakes that ended past relationships? Ours and theirs? "Yes, we must. That was the past, and we are creating a new history today." Life is short, we have to forgive ourselves and them, love ourselves, and allow new love into our lives. Is there any other choice?

6) How do women feel about being approached in public, such as grocery stores, Macy's. How do they like to be approached so it is comfortable , respectful, and non-threatening? "Say Hi! Compliment something about us. Talk about the fruit in a market, the books in a bookstore, or just say that's a nice color on us or that we have a nice smile." Ah, just do it, guys! Respectful? Don't say anything you wouldn't say to your Aunt Sally.

7) There's gotta be a secret password or a handshake or something that gets women to do what you want. "Are you kidding?!?" Sorry, that one rendered us speechless. We're almost never speechless, believe me.

8) What is the answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything?
"It's a secret." "Love." I prefer to think that there is no answer, that spending one's time trying to figure it out is a waste of what little time we have here, so just go out and be nice to people and try to make the world a better place because you're in it.

9) Why are women so afraid of sex, flirting, and dressing up? "What? You're going out with the wrong women!!!" We love sex and flirting and dressing up - just treat us like you adore us and see what happens.

So, guys, thanks for the questions, we had a lot of fun with them. Feel free to send more. Feel free to invite your friends to the May 12th Cocktail Party. Feel free to practice what you've learned here on us when you meet us. We're gonna have so much fun with you!

Do we really still want the "bad boy?"

Ah, I was going to get so much done at home today and then I had a conversation with one of the guys signing up for the group's next cocktail party and I can't stop thinking about what he said. He had an idea that he called a theory but really he believed it to be the truth. Never married and told too many times that he is "too nice," he believes that all women only want the "bad boy" and that the nice guy really does finish last.

It made me think. I told him that the women I know claim to be done with the bad boy thing, that they've been through a marriage and a bad divorce, are independent, and are enjoying life, but would appreciate having a good man around for company. For hiking or watching movies or that cool stuff under the sheets, but they want some peace in their lives, not drama. They want a guy to talk to, to laugh with, and to listen to them when they come home from a tough day at work. They want their feet rubbed and their shoulders massaged and are more than willing to reciprocate. With a "nice guy."

So maybe we should define it, what is a "nice guy"? The guy on the phone said that lots of women in his past liked him, or even loved him, but claimed that he was "too nice" and that it caused them not to keep him. Maybe he was so eager to please his woman that he overdid it, catering to her desires and not stating his own. I've learned from Wayne Levine (it's in a previous post) from www.bettermen.org that men have been "feminized" by women who wanted them to be their best friends and confidants. Wayne teaches these guys to reclaim their masculinity, to state their non-negotiable needs, and to stop being afraid of their women. I think it's true, that we ladies want our guys to be everything to us, but I've learned that some things I need to get from my woman friends and not to expect it from my man. We strong independent women like to have things our way and the "nice guy" will do it, but in the long run we grow to dislike that kind of giving-in and want our guys to stand up for themselves, let us know who they are and what they want, and not be motivated by the possibility of our not liking what they say.

I don't think we really want a bad boy anymore, but we want a man who is confident and strong and can stand up to us while treating us like a princess. It's bad to stereotype that "all women" want this or that, and I wonder if believing it makes these guys seek to prove themselves right with the women they meet. I say, be the nice guy, be really good to us, but be strong and hold on to what you want and need. If you come across a woman who won't let you open the door for her or doesn't appreciate when you bring her flowers, let her go and move on. There's a whole bunch of us who want a guy like you, I promise. Just don't give up who you are to be with us. Stand strong, let us see the real you, and feel free to adore us. We'd like that. I know I would.

Music and friends and love.

I'm still recovering from spending the day yesterday in San Pedro for the concert I wrote about in a recent post. It was just a fabulous day, quite an adventure, in a magnificant Art Deco theater built in 1931 that was the first movie house in the area to get a sound system. I left my house at 1pm, picked up my friend Rookie who invited me, and got to the theater at 3:00pm, had a bite at a little Italian deli down the street (where there were NO chain stores) and then back to the theater to listen to the bands warm up. Just us and the security guys and the band guys and it was wonderful. The musicians were in casual clothes jamming, and I felt like they were playing just for me. I don't think I've ever had that experience before and it was splendid.

Suffice it to say that the concert itself was amazing. The band Tierra played Latin music, in English and Spanish, and Rookie's group from www.supersinglemixers.com danced in front of the first row of seats. The security guys tried to get us to stop, but I think they quickly realized it was a lost cause. Just couldn't sit down. The music was fabulous, the crowd was wild, and I had the best time. I got home at 2am and that's without going out to breakfast with the group! 'Nuff said.

On the ride back and forth, we two single independent and fabulous (!) women talked about the usual. Our mutual friends, the upcoming Craigslist cocktail party I'm planning, and dating. Of course. It's a hot topic with my women's group. We've all loved men in the past, been through our share of heartaches, and most of us really would like to experience love again. You know, that spine-tingling-can't-wait-to-see-him-again love. With a guy who looks at us like we're are the most special and beautiful person he has ever seen. Geez, I sound like a fairy tale, don't I, and some women have given up hope, but some of us still believe it can happen again. The concert made me remember a past love, American and born in Peru, with that slight Spanish accent that made me swoon. I still feel tingly when I remember his voice on the phone saying hello to me in Spanish, "hola Elena." Aaaahhh.

So, while we wait for the next (and hopefully final) love of our lives, we are happy to spend time with our grown children, our women friends, and pursuing activities we enjoy. Maybe our prince will still come and maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be at our next cocktail party on May 12th. Wouldn't that be something!