Wonderful Online Women

Holiday Hopes

2012-01-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

Traditions are comforting, something to look forward to, things to cherish. We in Wow have a tradition for our end-of-the-year Holiday Meeting. One of our founding Wowettes invites us to meet at her home for a potluck, gift exchange, and a time to share what we want to nurture in our life in the coming year. Instead of saying "I want to" exercise, lose weight, or whatever it is, we say, "I am," as if it is already becoming reality right now. Instead of hoping and wishing, we are choosing to already become what we wish for.

Here are some of what the ladies shared. They said "I am" healthy; glad to be alive after an almost tragic accident; recovering from hip replacement and bilateral mastectomies, but realizing that she is not her body, she is herself....and amazed at how she allowed those who love her to help her; having a relationship with formerly estranged children; finding a new career; feeling happy with a relationship she had this year that, although it ended, showed her how much she had grown; seeking to strengthen her ties to her religion; welcoming a first great-grandchild; grateful to have become a Wowette and becoming better friends with us; appreciating even the roof over her head; enjoying a calm year; spending more time with family and friends; entertaining more; enjoying a son who just graduated from college and an improving relationship with her daughter; returning to past pleasures, such as art and singing; and after being widowed, finally connecting with friends and family and her true self....and a new puppy!

As I listened to the ladies sharing out loud to the group, I was awed by how similar we are and especially how much so many of the ladies expressed their appreciation for our group. I realized we all need friends, who are our mirrors and our nurturers. I realized how many challenges we still have, but how we all still want to live life fully. For me, I shared that I wanted to be more open, more honest, more vulnerable. And, amazingly, I just booked a speaker for our next meeting who suggested exactly that as her topic. There are no coincidences in life, are there? As eclectic as our group is, the love and care we share with each other is, yes, wonderful. And here we are!

A happy plug.

2011-12-11T09:44:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays to all! Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, whatever you celebrate, it's a season of miracles, family, and joy. I don't have a big family, but the one I do have is happy and fun and brings me ooodles of happiness. Sometimes, I wish I had that big noisy family, the one that gathers and cooks and watches football and share as each others' babies grow up and mostly just love each other. But most of us don't have all that, so it's good to appreciate just what we have. So many have so much less.

I didn't celebrate Christmas until I was nineteen and I never really understood Chanukah as a child, but I did get a gift. My birthday falls in that period of time, so sometimes it was a Chanukah-Birthday gift all in one, but I'm all grown up now and have to be grateful that my own daughter has created a warm and lovely holiday, full of traditions, and her own family that enjoys it all. And that they like to have me help celebrate with them.

Mostly, really, our happiness comes in what we ourselves create, not from what is given to us by birth. I had one of those experiences last night, an evening with a new friend I loved as soon as I met her, at an evening of music and fun and sweets. Two of the ladies in Wow are members of Sentimental Journey, an amazing group of singers. They are available for parties, events, birthdays, and any time when you'd want to be have entertainment that makes you laugh, brings back happy memories, and is worth any drive or price to hear and see. My friend and I saw their holiday show last night and, although I've attended several of their performances in the past, I continue to be amazed at their varied choices of songs, their joy at performing, and their harmony which is, really, truly, angelic. Sometimes I just close my eyes when they sing so that I can hear every part of their harmonies, it's so beautiful. And I realized that, not only is their show a pleasure to hear and watch, it really makes the me happy. So, this is my unabashed plug. If you need a really fun show for your next special event. check out their website at www.sentimentaljourneyla.com, where you can even listen to them singing a holiday song or buy their CD, and send them an email at SentimentaljourneyLA@gmail.com or call Karen at 818-362-7419.

My wishes for you all are a healthy new year, many moments to make you smile, and happy times with friends and family.

Joys Shared.

2011-11-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. Shop too much, eat too much, work too hard, get wet in the surprise rain, be sad about not having holidays like the movies, sending out cards, and sometimes feeling bad about not having a mate to share what is supposed to be a happy coupled time. So, for this month's Wow meeting, we put all that aside and gave thanks. Thanks for something that happened this year that made us glad, something good that happened that we didn't expect, and even the littlest things we remember to remember each day that give our life meaning and value.

After a particularly yummy potluck, we gathered in a circle to share our blessings for all to hear. A few of the ladies are welcoming new grandchildren and one is welcoming her first great-grandbaby. One worked her usual challenging hours in a difficult job and managed to complete a yoga instructor's course. One was grateful to be alive and barely injured after a car accident, another after a slip-and-fall head injury. One survived cancer surgery with chemo and radiation, along with a hip replacement, all with a cheerful attitude...and not only realized that she was more than her body, but that it was really OK to allow others to help and love her through her hard times. One was proud to have had a potential relationship that she stopped after only four months when she realized it would never work...and yet realizing she liked who she was in the relationship. One was grateful for a "calm" year, the ability to do whatever she pleased without having to consult a mate, and that she still had her job in such a tough economy. One was grateful for returning to singing, a pleasure she had not allowed herself since high school. One realized she was finally recovering from the passing of her husband and was finding herself, learning who she really is...and choosing to adopt a new puppy. And one was grateful to have finally come to accept her three year relationship with a very nice guy, finally not wanting more, but choosing to enjoy exactly what they shared.

The most prevalent topic of gratitude was our families, how relationships with daughters were being repaired and renewed, how one finally had created a close relationship with her daughter-in-law, and especially how one whose daughter was becoming her friend after many years of estrangement. It was almost if these relationships between mothers and daughters were changed magically and surprisingly this year...and each woman was especially appreciative of whatever brought them closer to those they love so much.

Even more touching to me was that so many of the ladies expressed their appreciation to me for holding this group for so many years and to the other women for being so open and kind, that the sharing of one's trials and accomplishments enriched the lives of the others. Just hearing about another's struggles and joys seemed to touch the hearts of each of us, that maybe we were lucky not to have suffered their particular troubles, that maybe we are pretty blessed after all.

For me, I'm warmed and touched that the women come as strangers and yet share their hearts with each other....and that we are all so changed and uplifted and enriched by their openness and their honesty. We really do need each other. We really do. Oh, what am I most grateful for? That my now 40-year-old beautiful curly-haired daughter is happy and healthy, has a wonderful husband, and is starting to find her passions, realize her strengths, and has continued to allow me to enjoy the company of these two amazing 8-year-old grandchildren (showing off on the first day of their brand new braces, pain and all, and smiling):

A Luxurious Wow Night

2011-09-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

Another Thursday night, another wonderful Wow meeting. Yummy food, good conversation, giggles, and lots of hugs were shared by the ladies.

And we were blessed by the company and wisdom of yet another great speaker. Dr. Shira Miller is a "Concierge Holistic Menopause Physician" in Los Angeles who specializes in "luxurious menopause." She presented a fascinating slide show with the help of her handsome and very nice husband Sean, whose company we also enjoyed during dinner. According to Dr. Miller, although we are taught that menopause is "normal" and usually occurs around the age of 51, it is a phenomena of the recent 50 years, since women before then didn't usually live past that age. Menopause is known for hot flashes, fatigue, sweats, dryness, depression, weight gain, osteopenia and osteoporosis, decreased libido, anxiety, palpitations, and feeling invisible. I could see all the ladies nodding as each symptom was mentioned. Taint easy being a woman.

Many of us were taking hormonal replacement therapy (HRT), using lab-created hormones or ones made from pregnant horses' urine, until a study a few years ago linked HRT to a variety of nasty illnesses, like cancer and heart disease. So, abruptly and without examining the study carefully, many or maybe even most doctors took their female menopausal and post-menopausal patients off of HRT. Turns out that the study was flawed in many ways and really quite inaccurate. I remember a doctor at that time telling me that the study was done on women in nursing homes who were sedentary, women who were quite different than me and my active friends. Dr. Miller purports that keeping women's female hormones at levels similar to those in their thirties promotes wellness and optimizes health in women our age.

Having worked in medicine for my whole career, I appreciated that Dr. Miller, early in her conventional medicine career, became jaded about how ailments were treated. In my work, I see that the lack of female hormones can cause osteoporosis and very painful spinal compression fractures, for which my physician employer surgically injects a type of cement to build up the vertebra. Primary care physicians treat osteoporotic patients with drugs that can cause nasty side effects and, per Dr. Miller, the patient isn't deficient in the those drugs but deficient in hormones that would have prevented the onset and progression of bone loss. Love her thinking, I do.

After a consultation of 3-4 hours, extensive blood testing, taking a comprehensive medical history (including diet and habits), and a variety of other examinations, Dr. Miller will consider placing her female menopausal patients on bio-identical hormones. She will talk to the patient on the phone as a courtesy before the first appointment, making sure that she is the proper provider and often will refer the patient to a fellow practitioner if the patient has unusual medical issues. Compared to what my docs charge for their services, Dr. Miller's rates are surprisingly low. Her all-inclusive first in-person consultation is about the price one of my patients recently paid for just his pre-operative tests at a local laboratory, so don't hesitate to consider her obviously careful and wise services because of costs. Here's her picture - she's just as lovely in person.

So I had a yummy meal, saw some lovely friends, and was fascinated by Dr. Miller, all in one evening. You can call Dr. Miller at 310-734-8864, visit her website at www.shiramillermd.com, or sign up for medical updates at her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/menopausedoctor. Sounds to me like you've got nothing to lose....and lots of good health to gain. My sincere thanks to Dr. Miller for providing my ladies with such important information that could so obviously change our lives.

Who and how do you love?

2011-09-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Meet JJ Flizanes!

Lucky me, another evening with my fellow Wowettes! Yummy potluck, fun company, and a passionate and inspiring speaker. I read about our speaker, JJ Flizanes, and was impressed with her philosophy about finding our mate when I read her quote, "When we create our own happiness through our body and mind, we are able to naturally manifest a partner who recognizes and respects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.” I liked reading that finding a partner was not about how we act or how we dress or our age or weight, but who we are....inside....and how we feel out ourselves.

JJ is the author of "Fit 2 Love - How to get physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit to attract the love of your life," (a best seller on Amazon.com!) Much to my surprise and pleasure, she started her presentation with the statement that the love of our life is...ourself. She said that we must be the person we want to be to attract love, that the blueprint of how we treat ourselves is how others treat us, and that everything we do shows how we respect and love ourselves.

So why don't we have the mate of our dreams? Again, it's all about how we treat ourselves, the results, and our self-perceptions. JJ gave us a written exercise called " Our Body Blueprint" to allow us to find the story we tell ourselves. Apparently, we only hear 18% of our thoughts and the rest are put in our subconscious before we are nine-years-old. The blueprint asks about our attitudes and actions related to exercise, diet, rest, play, and self-talk and we followed that exercise with one titled, "What Does Your Body Blueprint Say?" I was startled to see my results showed such great conflict. I want to do the right thing and take good care of myself in all those areas, but my answers were mostly "sometimes." It's like I still have those two creatures on my shoulders, the devil on one and the angel on the other, each telling me to do the opposite of the other.

So I vow to follow JJ's wisdom, to listen to the angel, to love myself by taking care of myself as best as I know how, and, while waiting for the Prince to come, I will learn to love and respect .....my own rules. Thanks, JJ, for a evening that brought each of us closer to knowing ourselves, to knowing our truth, to living a more loving life. (If you want to be a better person, to make your own life better, you can reach the lovely JJ at www.fit2love.info.)

He what?!?!?

2011-07-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Geez, time flies. We had a Wow meeting recently and finally here's the scoop on what happened. We were supposed to have a Q&A about dating and relationships with a local life coach-therapist-dating column writer, but she flaked at the last minute, so I thought we'd just go ahead and talk about the questions ourselves, since the ladies had each sent me a few ahead of time. I asked the questions and what followed, of course, was a fun, silly, and occasionally informative time with the Wowettes.

I started with the obvious and easy questions, like "Why do men take your number and never call you?" (Because they really aren't interested.) "Should you sleep with someone you are attracted to on the 1st date?" (YES! NO!) "Is it OK for the woman to make the 1st move?" (YES! Which led to, "what moves should the woman make?" Most said that it was good to encourage the guy, with a smile or a look or a hello, and then let him take the lead. Who wants a guy who can't 'be the man'!)

Then the tougher questions. "Why is it that you can spend a whole evening with a man who makes a point of expressing his attraction to you, his enjoyment of the evening together, that your goals are mutual, asks that you call when you get home from the meeting, and then you never hear from him again....why bother with all those words if he wasn't interested?" (They changed their mind? They are nuts? It's good they showed you who they really are, by not being honest, right away?)

Another tough one. "We all have baggage, such as health or financial issues or that we're taking care of ailing parents....at what stage do we talk about these?" (Not on the first meeting. As the issues arise, such as not being able to see him on a certain night because that's the night we see our mom. Over time, slowly, but not all the details of the situation until the relationship shows it might be getting more serious. And we certainly want to hear their issues before too much time goes by....)

Tough again. "Why is it that men have difficulty with our close friend of the opposite sex....are they lacking in close relationships themselves so they don't understand ours?" (They're jealous, so drop them....or maybe it's better to back off a little from those friendships when we find a guy we might want for a relationship.)

And finally, my favorite."Since we're pretty much stuck with internet dating in this point in time, how do we get past the guys who, in face-to-face life, wouldn't attract a woman but can put anything they want on their online profile, such as a picture when they had hair and no belly....and ask for the woman of their fantasies...like they present themselves as so fabulous when they're not and asking for a petite, slim, blonde, fit mate who will ride on their Harley with them into the sunset?" (This one pretty much stumped the ladies....until one who has been internet dating for a long time said that she is beginning to notice that the men she is meeting online seem to be more realistic, seeking a sincere mate their own age who understands them and will be an equal partner. Oh, that's comforting...I like the thought of that!)

So we had fun, laughed a lot, learned a few things, met a few new and very nice ladies, and shared a yummy meal and dessert. As usual!

An angel passes

2011-06-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

I believe in angels. Those people on earth who bring sunshine wherever they go, no matter what their situation or troubles might be. I've known someone like that for many years and yesterday he passed on.

On those days that I felt low or maybe even a little poor-me, I'd always see David. He'd be in his electric wheelchair, smiling and making jokes and spreading joy as he rolled along. Always cheerful, always wishing me a good day, always telling happy stories, always bringing a smile to my face. When I would call the hospital blood bank to make appointments for my surgical patients to donate blood for themselves, David would answer the phone and say, "wait, let me get my brain." Born with many birth defects, his body was small and mis-shaped, and he was without much use of his hands or arms, but he would still grab his dictaphone and save the information I would give him about the patient. Really, I could never quite understand how he managed to do all he did, get around on his own, perform his job well, and make everyone he met a little happier.

I don't know why some people have it easy or why some people have it tough in life. David was dramatically challenged yet never complained, never talked about his situation, and never seemed anything but upbeat. It was a medical miracle that he survived so long with his condition, well into his fifties, and a local research hospital was even studying him, following his life as he aged. To me, he was an angel, a person put on earth with a special mission....to show us how to make the best of life and to spread sunshine to all he met. I just can't imagine not seeing him anymore, but I'll never forget him. If there is a heaven, David is there, enjoying freedom from his earthly pain and smiling. I just appreciate that he was a part of my life for so long. Thanks, David, for all the happy moments you brought me. I wish you peace and joy forever.

A car, a bus, two planes, and one very big boat.

2011-04-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

What a few weeks! I've worked 10 hours a day straight almost every day and come home and crashed, celebrated my daughter's 40th b'day, suffered through hearing about my little grandson's head being shaved (damn lice!), arranged a housesitter for my very spoiled cat, found out that my new obviously not-so-smart phone hasn't taken your messages so you must all think I'm a bigger flake than usual, and now.....drumroll.....yes, I'm a-going away. So what if the weather report predicts not just cold, not just rain, but, yes, thunderstorms, I'm going! And after booking TEN surgeries today (for the next few weeks), which normally I would do that in about two or three weeks or more, my boss said, you're going away for TWO weeks?!?!? NOOOOOO!!!!! Yes, I said. But what will happen, it'll be such a mess, he said. Ah, don't worry, I said, they'll all do just fine and you'll be OK. Ah ladies, is hard work really that good for us? OK, I admit that, every morning when I take my walk before work, I do the gratitude thing, that I'm grateful that I CAN walk, that I can hear and see, that my daughter and her family are healthy and happy, and yes, that I have a job.

So, I'll be away for a few weeks for what I think will be a very cool trip with a very dear friend who, I still wonder, might have been kidding when she said, "I'm gonna be 60 soon, I should take a fabulous trip....wanna go?" Kidding or not, we're off for what I imagine will be a great time of friendship, meeting new people, laughing a lot, seeing some great sights, and some just doing a lot of nothing but watching the ocean go by. Maybe all that hard work is gonna be worth it, after all!

Ah, Eva.

2011-04-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes ya just gotta be there. That's my best explanation for the recent Wow meeting. Delicious dinner, delightful conversations, lots of hugs and kisses, and my home is filled with beautiful women enjoying each other's laughter and stories. Is there a adequate word for the pleasure women friends bring?

So, in addition to all that joy and fun, we had the pleasure of meeting Eva Nemeth of the "EVA Approach." This is what her website (www.evamovement.com) says about her, ...."has been a physical therapy and wellness consultant for more than thirty years. She began her professional career as an internationallly celebrated gymnast and later taught modern dance and rhythmic gymnastics. Today, her hands-on workshops, seminars and speaking engagements have established her as one of the leading specialists in achieving physical and mental well-being. Her EVA Approach starts with a radical assumption; though we walk, sit, stand, and lie down every day, we don't do these basic things in the right way. The EVA Approach corrects lifetime habits that undermine us daily. In one lesson, she imparts knowledge that leads to immediate results: her clients instantly feel better and look better."

In person, Eva is a charming, fun, funny, and strong woman, determined and dedicated to encouraging and teaching her fellow humans to be healthier, both physically and emotionally. She taught us anatomy and physiology and posture exercises and proper positioning of the parts of our body as we move, but remember I said you had to be there? Here's a photo experience of Eva, teaching us with tennis balls and toilet paper, yep, to do exercises that will bring wellness:

See the pic below, there's the toilet paper used for toe exercises, tennis balls to put under our feet and roll against our muscles, and one reluctant but surprisingly flexible Wowette helping demonstrate a stretch with the smiling Eva:

You sit all day at a computer? Those back muscles tighten, altering our posture, so put your hands against the wall and get someone to pound hard on either side of your spine with their fingers and you'll be able to breathe better. We did it to each other and it worked. Amazing. Just gotta convince my co-workers......

I can't fully understand or explain Eva's theories, so you can go to her website and sign up for a seminar or a (very reasonable) private lesson to find out for yourself. Per Eva, our pain and tension are symptoms, and sometimes she finds that negative experiences in our childhood result in the pain in our adult bodies, so she doesn't just teach exercises but helps us find out reasons for our physical distress. She said things like, "Feet have eyes that talk to our brains," and that, to be healthy, we need to "eat, sleep, touch, and be still." Yes, we had fun and we laughed, but we were enraptured by her teachings. I don't think I'll ever forget when she stopped teaching to the group and looked up into the teary eyes of one of our daughters, who is very tall and shared her angst about her height and hearing Eva say, as best as I can remember, "You are beautiful, you are tall, you must own this beauty. No one else is you, you must walk proudly." Eva didn't stop telling her that she was beautiful until I think that the lovely young woman started to believe it herself. Eva said that we must love our bodies, tall or fat or skinny or short, that we can't be walking around all day with someone we don't like. She asked us to take two minutes a day to stop and appreciate our bodies, to wrap our arms around ourselves, to consciously acknowledge our presence in our bodies.

For sure, I am standing more tall, sitting with less pain, and walking farther and more joyfully. And, in the few weeks since meeting Eva, I am much more accepting of myself, much quicker to forgive my errors, and much less anxious. I told you that you had to be there! Call her, take a class, participate in the magic that is Eva. You'll never be the same.

Here's the happy Wowettes surrounding the lovely Eva. None of us wanted to let her go.

Heroes in Heels

2011-02-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

I'm a believer in the idea that we are born as blank slates, that each action we take affects the picture of who we are and what will happen in our future. Like a fork in the road, each of our choices affects the journey of life. The Wowettes had the pleasure recently of meeting someone who changed all of us, someone who uplifted and encouraged and taught us how to create more happiness and joy in our lives.

Carrie Flintom is the author of Heroes in Heels, Ignite Your Soul and Awaken the Hero Within. She drove hours to visit our Wow group and share with us her wisdom and we were moved and awed by her beauty, both outside and inside. Years ago, she began to realize that women had become competitive, instead of being supporting and loving and connected. She realized that she was so busy with the details and demands of her life that she felt empty and wondered how she had got to the place where she was everyone's everything, sleepwalking through life, feeling like she had it all but was living in a dark place. Like many of us, she asked herself, "Who Am I?" and embarked on a journey to find the answers, trying the advice of every self-help guru she could find.

Carrie decided her plan to improve her life and create happiness and joy must have the following criteria: 1) Be easy, 2) Be quick, and 3) Have results. So she came us with what she calls "SMARTS," and here is the plan's brief summary:

S: Share. This is a call to action for the day, making one conscious decision to make someone's life better, one act of kindness, one "heroic moment."

M: Get Motivated. Use music or a quote or think of what you were doing when you last felt moved to be motivated.

A: Affirmations. Carrie says that 70% of our self talk is negative and, in women, often 90%. You know how it is when someone says something nice about us and we push it away, like we can't accept a compliment? That negative self-talk teaches us we don't deserve it. Affirmations are short and positive statements that are true and, when said often enough, will help us to realize and belief how special we are.

R: Record and Reward. Carrie suggests that we use a notebook to write what "share" we did today so that we can go back and re-read it and acknowledge what good we've done.

T: Thankfulness. Carrie told us that gratitude opens up more space for what we feel and creates more gratitude. The simple act of counting our blessings, those little blessings in our lives that we often forget, can change our attitudes. We are often hindered by our fears, and Carrie says that we cannot feel fear and gratitude at the same time.

In following these steps, Carrie reminds us not to strive for perfection, but to be real and create meaning in every thing we do, to focus on what we are becoming, to be aware of how grand life really is in that very moment. This short evening with Carrie was magical in itself, and each and every one present said she was the best speaker ever. For me, she was like a bright light, bringing with her the joy and happiness she wanted us all to experience. You can meet her yourself by visiting her website at www.heroesinheels.com or calling her at 858-997-6305. She's a life coach and I imagine that anyone spending even one hour with her will be changed forever. Thanks, Carrie, for showing us all a path to a more meaningful and happy life. You gave generously of your spirit to a room full of strangers and we are all very grateful you did. xo

The joy of women.

2011-01-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

A lovely evening was had by all. My favorite Wow meeting of the year took place a few evenings ago, a time full of joy and good food and friends. Lauri, an original Wowette, hosted the meeting at her home full of twinkling lights and warmth and good cheer. It was a full house, almost overfilled with the usual group and a lovely assortment of their guests and new members. And it was a night that will be in my memory for a long time.

At this meeting, it's our tradition, created by a beloved member who moved across the country for adventure and a new life, to sit in a circle and share our dream for the New Year, but to do it in a way that is in the present. Rather than "I will get more exercise" we say, "I am getting more exercise," as if to take the goal and make it real, right then, in that moment. This exercise is always a special time when the ladies are quiet, listen to the hearts of their new and old friends, and share their own.

The ladies shared that they "are" volunteering, traveling, making better choices, being brave enough to be successful, expanding their horizons, healthy and open, spending quality time with family, healthy and taking better care of their health, singing and dancing, working out like they did years ago, participating in activities that bring laughter and conscious joy, appreciating their personal gifts, being comfortable expressing their feelings, clearing clutter, pursuing interests that fell by the wayside, reading more, watching what they eat, walking more, recognizing and appreciating their blessings, and able to express gratitude. As each women quietly yet boldly shared these feelings, I could see and feel the others in agreement, as if each woman's desires were those of all the others present. I was moved and touched by their openness and honesty, allowing us all to see below their surface, to share how much alike we all really are, both in our joys and our pain.

What amazed me most was that there was one thing each woman shared and one thing that none of the ladies said. What each woman said was that they wanted to make more friends and dedicate more time to the ones they already had. What none of these single women said was that they were seeking to find the man of their dreams. Here we are, women who go to singles events and who use online dating sites, who often share their angst about dating and not being able to find a great guy, and not one expressed even one thought about finding a mate or a husband. Their most common desire was to create and nourish friendships with other women, the exact reason I created this group over five years ago, and clearly the love and closeness with other women continues to be what fills us with joy. For me? I deeply appreciate your friendships and how each of you opened your heart to the group on this most memorable evening. We are so lucky to have each other.

My winter vacation.

2010-12-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

It's the end of my one week, stay-at-home vacation. I'm finally feeling relaxed and, of course, I have to go back to work tomorrow. I took the week off because my son-in-law had back surgery on Monday (by my doctor-boss) and I wanted to be available to pick up kids and give my daughter a break or whatever was needed. Jason is the best patient, does exactly what he was told to do, is walking and resting and almost pain-free, and well on the road to a complete recovery.

It's been a strange year for me for vacations. The only other week I took off was in April when I stayed home and painted two rooms in my house. No Europe or tropical trips for me this year, but I do enjoy a week of not working, even if it entails household chores or tending to the family. It took me until Thursday to really feel relaxed, but now I'm realizing how much less stressed I feel, so we'll see how long that lasts when I return to work. And yes, I remain thankful to have a job at all.

I did get a few things done that were important. The leaky shower is fixed, my hair is cut and colored, and I saw the third of the Stieg Larsson trilogy, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. An amazing story, well written books, and edge-of-the-seat movies. Filmed in Sweden and in Swedish with subtitles! Three movies and not one minute of sunshine in any of them. That's somewhere I'm not planning to visit. But I sure do recommend the books, an astonishing story of government intrigue and the most fascinating character I've ever seen - start with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I finished my holiday shopping, and found out about a great place to buy gifts that change the world for very little money at www.heifer.org. Oh, and I mustn't forget that I got myself back to the gym and took a few long walks outside, so all in all, it was a pretty good week.

Oh yes, I took a one-day trip by myself up the coast to Santa Barbara and then to the Chumash Casino in Santa Ynez. It's hard to find a more lovely view of the ocean driving up the coast with the sun shining on the water and the view from above on the Freeway. It almost felt like meditation, and I found myself taking deep breaths and feeling calmer and calmer. And I took a few new CDs of folk and popular music from the 1960's, so I sang my heart out the whole way. I ate lunch and gambled for three hours and came back with a little more money than when I left, so yeah for good luck.

So what's the moral here? Really, not much. I'm grateful that my son-in-law is on the road to better health, I'm happy to have had extra time with the grandkids, I'm happy with myself that I am on the road to a stronger body, and I'm happy to have taken even a one-day trip out of town and that, even alone, it was a really fun day. I haven't visited exotic new lands, but I still feel changed. A little more relaxed, less stressed, and a bit more confident. Sounds like a good vacation to me.

Gratitude and puppies.

2010-11-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Another month, another amazing Wow meeting. We gathered for a yummy potluck and to answer the questions, "What has made you most happy this year....or for what are you most grateful." The dinner was noisy, as usual, with all the ladies sharing stories and getting to know each other - picture 15 women in a small space eating and laughing and having fun. In my own life, I know that counting my blessings changes my attitude, takes my mind off my troubles, and makes me grateful for even the smallest good thing I have. In one of my favorite blog feeds, the message today was "Gratitude feels so good because it is the state of mind closest to your natural state in which you were born to live." -Abraham-Hicks

After such a boisterous dinner hour, I figured it might be tough to settle the ladies down to this somewhat serious topic, but I was touched and moved by their answers. Many talked about their families, how they had repaired relationships with their children, and some were grateful that they even had children. Some were grateful that their adult children continued to include and welcome them into their adult lives. Some shared their joy that they were to have a new grand baby soon, including one who had seen her daughter through a variety of very tough times, including drugs and alcohol and finally 12-step recovery. They talked about how their relationships had grown more healthy , how they had learned to set boundaries and maintain those friendships, and that they were very grateful to have friends. Several ladies talked about their new assertiveness, how they no longer put up with men who were bad for them, and how they became brave enough to open their lives to new jobs and new possibilities. The teachers were grateful that they could positively affect their students and one was grateful just to have things to be grateful for. One told about her 91-year-old mother, still strong and bright, and having had the time to repair and now enjoy their relationship. Several talked about being content with their lives, how they no longer struggle or strive to make things happen, such as finding a mate, but are open to what could happen. Several were grateful for the ability to continue to pay their bills. Two were delighted to have a new love in their lives, a new puppy that brought joy and love into their homes and hearts. Another two were here for the first time and expressed their gratitude at having friends and now being able to make even more.

I looked around the room at this very eclectic group of lovely women, feeling grateful that they were in my home, happy that they so easily shared their struggles and successes and desires. Several of them included just being part of this group in their gratitude list, which filled me with the warmest fuzziest feelings of the evening.

I continue to be amazed at how much joy and pleasure these ladies bring into my life. It's nice to have a boyfriend as a few of the ladies do, but the warmth and nurturing that comes from women friends isn't something we find in a man. We can enjoy his company, the fun of doing new things, the pleasure of intimacy, but only our women friends can bring this kind of love and warmth. I may not be close friends with all of my Wowettes, but I really do love and appreciate them all. Here they are!

Our traveling Wowette visits.

2010-11-14T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'm fascinated by an update of one of my Wowettes. She was always been a quiet presence, even in the midst of a houseful of noisy women. She tends to listen and not leap, but I've always felt a strength to her. Quiet and seemingly shy as she is, she is one of the first Wowettes in our five plus years together to find a man she wanted. He was her "type," rugged and handsome and earthy, but kind and respectful and loving. They had their ups and downs, but she never failed to say how much they could talk and share and enjoy each other's company.

But they had some conflicts. She had recently been divorced from a long and not always very happy marriage, and her grown children were off on their own building successful lives. Clearly, her bad experience made her not want to remarry and having raised her own children, preferred a relationship where her mate's kids were out of the house, too. But her guy's adult kids were still hanging around and he allowed them to stay. And she wanted to retire in or near a city where she could find peace and quiet and not much traffic but still have culture and fun....and he wanted to retire in the mountains, far from civilization, just the two of them. And he definitely wanted to get married. What's a girl to do?

She retired. She moved to a senior community in a nearby state. And she started to create a new life, make new friends, and have new experiences without him. They stayed in touch, but it appeared that their future wouldn't be together. Lo and behold, his adult kids moved out. He accepted that she was living elsewhere and that she wouldn't marry him. And he decided that a committed relationship, even if they didn't see each other every day, was OK with him. So she lives there and visits here and he lives here and visits there and they are very, very happy.

So what's so amazing to me? That she attributes some of her courage to stick to her guns and live the life of her choice to being part of our women's group, that seeing other women in similar circumstances, single after long marriages, gave her the strength to be true to her desires and dreams. And that she refused to give up how she wanted to live her life to do what her guy wanted, but in the end worked out a compromise that made them both happy. I have only the greatest admiration and respect for this lovely woman who, by the way, has kindly invited me to visit her new home and see the sights!

I know that relationships require compromise, that we all have to give up something to get something, but so many of my friends really give up too much, surrender their dreams and goals, and end up with a relationship that is unhappy, especially over time when resentment and bitterness can set in. I think that many of these women know that they are giving up too much and allowing the guy to give up so little or even nothing.....but they do it anyway, maybe hoping that somehow it will still make them happy, knowing in their hearts that it really won't.

So kudos to my dear friend. For making my heart sing by saying that I, and my women's group, were a big part of helping her create a new life after a failed marriage. For being honest with herself about what she wanted for her life and for sticking to her guns, not in a mean or hard way, but in a tender and compassionate way, refusing to give up her dreams but still keeping space in her life so that her guy could make the changes, on his own and by his own choice, to create a life together. And for staying in my life, even with such distance between us, so that I could continue to enjoy the story of a woman who dreamed.....and is making her dreams come true..

What is my truth?

2010-10-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, I haven't written. Is my lack of something to write about bad or good or neither? I'm really coasting, actually enjoying work some of the time, seeing a few friends each week, spending at least one day and maybe night with my grandchildren each week.....and enjoying listening to the stories of my BFFs who have recently met men they consider pretty great.

I really would love to post the pics of the kids, the amazing lego spaceships and cities they've created, the fairs we've recently attended, and the silly rides they've laughed through at the local events. And I will. But what I can't stop thinking about is something I heard this week on Dr. Phil. Yes, I watch Dr. Phil. I tape it and, when I get home from a hugely exhausting day at work and crash on my comfy sofa, I lose myself in Dr. Phil and disappear into his stories. Not the icky shows about violence or drug addiction and stuff like that, but the more watchable shows about how people handle what life throws at them.

He's got this weekly Tuesday thing going on where Dr. Phil Housewives get together to figure out their issues. Pretty annoying, I must admit, like chalk on the blackboard some of them, but mostly it's thought-provoking to hear their stories, how they get stuck in lives that I think I couldn't tolerate, lives that I'd just run away from, yet they're caught for years in their particular cycle of pain and lack of happiness.

There's this one young attractive woman, successful in her own business, but totally unsuccessful in finding a mate. She went through a bad break-up over one year ago and hasn't dated since, so Dr. Phil set her up with a nice guy and she proceeded to spend most of the date being negative and verbally pushing him away. She had no clue what she was doing, but it was so obvious to us viewers and the other housewives. Rather than teach her what to say and how to act and what not to do, Dr. Phil talked about what it was in her past that made her need to self-sabotage and destroy her chances of finding what she wants most in life, a husband and children. His question was, "What is your truth?" and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

It seems we hold a truth about ourselves that influences our decisions, our actions, and our reactions to what happens in our lives. This particular woman had been raised by a father who made it clear he didn't like her or want to be with her, so she spent her life feeling rejected or rejecting others before they rejected her. She was doomed to repeat this pattern unless she recognized her "truth" and took steps to change it. Think of the difference between having parents who encourage and adore us versus parents who criticize and humiliate us, never letting us know by words or deeds that we are special and loved. It's easy enough to recognize that I was raised by a father who was a bully and a mother who was too intimidated to defend or protect me, but what indeed was the message I internalized from my past that affects my every action today? I need to know. It feels like this is maybe the last piece in the puzzle of my freedom from my past. I'm searching, meditating, asking the universe to help me understand my own "truth". Do you know yours?

Dating with Dignity - Imagine!

2010-09-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Another Wow meeting, another fabulous time! We had the privilege of meeting Marni Battista, founder of Dating With Dignity. A summary of Marni from her website states, "I have a Masters in Education, am Certified as a Life Coach by the International Coaching Federation, and am also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment — “The D-Factor” that helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are, or are not date-able, and what types of messages they are UNCONSCIOUSLY broadcasting to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes. I am also trained as a Facilitator and Mentor Trainer by the Hoffman Institute, a world renowned leader in personal development."

In Marni's case, these words describe her credentials and viewpoints, but hardly begin to describe her vitality, her enthusiasm, her spunkiness, and her courgage. How I enjoy meeting a woman who is so beautiful inside and out, who really has a grasp on what makes relationships work, and who expresses herself so fearlessly. After years of emptiness, she ended a marriage of privilege to begin a path of working with a therapist and quickly realized she was destined to repeat her past over and over unless she grew and changed, creating a life she loved and finding dignity in all areas of her life.

Translate this, then, into helping others, and Marni created a process to help women and men clear away the "crap," the baggage one carries from one relationship to another that hinders and even prevents finding joy and peace. She starts with a "dating ability assessment" that helps people understand their own energy. Are we negative, are we feeling like victims, do I have to fight to be right and won't settle for less? She teaches her clients to take responsibility, to stop blaming, to give up self-doubt and unforgiveness and resentment and instead find the opportunity in the difficult, by asking, "what can I do" to make this different. We all have limiting beliefs we carry around and thus attract partners who fit those neuroses. Her coaching finds out how our past affects our present and teaches us "SBA" - stop, breathe, ask what's really going on - the very foundation of living fully and consciously and in the moment, allowing us to be "as connected to your authentic self as possible on a date."

Can you tell I adored Marni? I love, love, love to be with a woman who is smart, isn't afraid to speak her mind in a room where her views might not be understood or appreciated, and still believes in herself and her work. Her upcoming courses are "How to Increase Your Attraction Factor Man Panel Event," "Breaking out of your Romantic Rut," "Your Total Dating Game Plan - Who You Want and How to Get Him," and "Dating with Dignity's Winter Relationship Rejuvenation Retreat." You can see her website at Datingwithdignity.com or call her at 310-880-2476 or email her at Marni@Datingwithdignity.com. I can only imagine the positive changes her work can bring to those who are willing to grow and change.

So a big hug and thank you to Marni for sharing herself with my Wowettes for an evening and to my Wowettes for bringing me a yummy potluck and their always sparkling company. There is hardly any more fun and nurturing than a room full of amazing women. xo

p.s. Our very own Patt and Karen form the Sentimental Journey, a singing group that will be presenting an evening of "Music and Yummy Dessert!" on Saturday November 6th at 8pm at a club in North Hollywood. If you want to join me and my Wowettes in what I know will be a fun, delicious, and amazingly musical evening, please email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com.

My delicious weekend.

2010-08-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yep, feeling better, alive, enjoying my life. Still, I keep hearing from my friends that I "should" be dating. I agree that it would be pretty cool to have a great guy for company, in and out of the bedroom, but it's just not happening lately, so I thought I'd share what an attractive and eligible single girl over 50 does in LA to have fun on a weekend.

I do admit that it wasn't such a terrible week at work. My boss was relaxed and even cracked some jokes and, drumroll, ended the week by saying good-bye to me and asked, "we had a good week, didn't we?" I was speechless, this coming from a doctor who rarely if ever notices our needs or what goes on around him. And then I had the pleasure of meeting a good friend, the one who works in another doctor's office and totally understands my work-day angst, for a yummy dinner (and marguerita for me and dirty martini for her). Really, there's this bond we women friends have that cannot be matched by even the coolest guy. We just "get" each other and that kind of understanding and support is priceless.

And Saturday? A 90 minute hike with my 7-year-old twin grandchildren in Aliso Canyon, an amazingly natural land hidden in the midst of our big suburb north of Hollywood. Up and down we walked on the hills of the trail in surprisingly cool weather after a week of 100+ temperatures, stopping for the kids to swing on ropes across a now dry creek or to check out horse poop and figure out who matches the animal tracks. We're walking and walking and the little girl is way ahead and the little boy behind me, enjoying his newly found branch that he uses as a hiking stick and we're having this discussion about what is the difference between a bunny and a rabbit when, really I'm not kidding, a cotton-tail bunny scampers across our path. Never saw another one the whole time, but heard a great variety of bird calls and saw lots of wildflowers tucked between the blackened tree limbs from last winter's fire. A change of clothes and a big drink of cold water and then we're off to lunch with another very dear friend who enjoys the children and clearly they adore her. Plus I get the pleasure of watching them have conversations with her about their week, the girl's first sleepover at a friend's house, and the little boy taking his role as brother very seriously by gently poking and pushing her while she talks, giggles, and then ignores him. Aaaaaahhhh, there are no troubles in the world when in the company of those wonderful little people and a girlfriend I love and appreciate more than words can say.

And Saturday night? Karaoke! Without any of my usual single girlfriends, I met up with a new and struggling singles group and formed a singing group I named "The Girls" so any of the ladies in the crowd could join in. And we sang for two hours! Picture Motown and Neil Sedaka and Broadway tunes with four or five or six of us "girls" moving and grooving and singing to the music. Oh, no, I'm not a singer, nor have I ever participated in Karaoke, but this was really a blast. Me and my new friends finished our evening after Karaoke by sitting on the restaurant patio, listening to a live band sing songs from the 60s to the present. Brave me, I went up to the guys during the break to tell them how much we enjoyed them and found out that one guitar player was older than me and the singer was my daughter's age and together they were grand. Need a really cool band for a party? Call "Last X" at 323-360-2469 or email them at lastexit1@live.com.

And there's more!!! Slept in until 7am on Sunday morning, leisurely did some household chores and made my favorite hot cereal for breakfast and then drove to Burbank to usher with three friends at the Colony, a wonderful little theater tucked into the Burbank mall near an Ikea. It may be a small theater, but the plays are professional and full of heart and this one is no exception. Titled "Free Man of Color" from the theater's website, "A stirring drama about one of the first freed slaves to graduate from an American university — and he did it almost 40 years before the Emancipation Proclamation. Based on a true story, Free Man of Color explores the life of John Newton Templeton, a fascinating but forgotten figure in our history. A young African-American scholar, he learns in the course of the play that with freedom comes great responsibility and that his future is not as obvious as the color of his skin. Winner of the Joseph Jefferson Award for Outstanding New Work in Chicago, Free Man of Color speaks to the humanity in us all and reminds us that true freedom is derived not from the law but from determining our own destiny." Then, a walk through the mall and dinner at Pasta Pomodoro, a little but amazingly good Italian restaurant where I ate butternut squash stuffed ravioli with the most delicious sweet topping and a side order of spinach grilled in virgin olive oil and garlic. It hardly gets tastier than that. A walk back through the mall with a quick stop for a free See's candy for dessert and then a twenty minute drive back home to feed the cat, get into my jammies, tidy up the house a bit, and then crash in front of the TV to watch Drop Dead Diva. Pretty cool Sunday, huh? Oh, I almost forgot that I started a thread on my facebook page, saying "I want (need) to take a vacation - anyone want to go?" and surprisingly I got quite a few responses already, saying plan it and we will go!

So would a great guy fit in? I'd make the room for him, I promise. But I'd sure not give up those totally memorable moments with my grandchildren and my women friends. Never!

Fashion and boogie boards.

2010-08-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up. I still wish I were retired and could go to the beach or read books all day or see every movie that comes out or travel the world, but I can't and that's it. I do think I'm coming out of a long, long funk since I went to a dance party last weekend and really had fun and went out to a really enjoyable dinner with one of my favorite guy friends last night and I'm feeling pretty OK with work. I even have a dinner planned next week to meet with a prospective new employer and another with a guy who leads another singles group and wants to brainstorm some new ideas about getting our groups together for some activities. Did I mention my new purple couch?

I have always had to work, even when my daughter was small and I did day care to make ends meet. But amazingly my daughter gets to be a stay-home mom to her beautiful seven-year-old twins. Yes, it's terribly hard work to teach them and make sure they learn how to be good and kind people, but she's doing a wonderful job of it. And kids do say the darndest things, no question about it. The children were heading out last weekend for an adventure with their wonderful dad when he was playing music from The Who with the words "I can see for miles and miles and miles...." and the little girl Talia piped up with "He must be eating a lot of carrots." I mean, you can't buy that kind of pleasure, hearing something so real and smart coming from such little people. And the little boy Quinn comes up with some brilliant observations himself, which we have dubbed Quinnisms. So they were shopping today for boogie boards for the beach and Quinn picked his out right away but Talia couldn't find what she liked so they had to go to a few stores until she found a purple one.. Which led to today's Quinnism, " "Fashion, it doesn't always have to be pretty. What matters is that you like it. It's like with humans, it's the most important what's on the inside. The outside doesn't matter so much." He's seven, loves to run and play and is amazing at building things with Legos and his mind is thinking things that some adults never realize. And I get to be their gramma.

Clearly, I'm feeling better and more alive. I'm even participating in organizing a karaoke night on August 28th and the next Wow potluck will be on September 2nd with Marni Battista as speaker. If you want to have fun with us at either event, just email me at wowthatellen@yahoo.com for details. Meanwhile, I think I'll curl up with a good book (which I got from the library with my new library card!) and my loudly purring cat and enjoy some well earned relaxation.

p.s. That's a pic of the twins who just turned seven and were writing thank you notes for some birthday gifts.

Fixing men.

2010-08-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your emails asking about when I'm going to write again or how I am or what I've been doing. Really, it makes me happy to know you care.

I'm just been coasting. My job is still exhausting, but I'm no longer feeling the fear of my boss, the flip-flop in my stomach when I have to face him. One more old issue resolved, or at least controlled.

With that weight lifted, I'm finally feeling more interested in socializing and even went out last night with fellow Wowettes to a dance. OK, it was a dance we all thought would be so dull that we'd eat our chicken dinner and leave within an hour or so. But! We had a blast! There weren't any guys there that interested us, except the one guy I always see at these events who always laughs and kids around me, is affectionate, and never asks me out. But we chicks had our dinner, a glass of wine, and spent the rest of the evening dancing with ourselves to the music of the 50s and a fabulous live band. And I mean really dancing. Picture five or six of us women on a dance floor full of couples, in a circle and doing all the moves from the 50s and 60s in unison. I swear we looked like go-go dancers without the pedestal to dance on. We laughed and we giggled and we had the best time. I met two women I invited to join Wow, two women who were classy and smart and played with us like we were all old friends. We're fabulous women and we're single and unattached and we had a great time.

Not that it wouldn't be fun to have a great guy in my life. But meanwhile, being single is fun. I had a week that was pretty tough at work, talking to three elderly married women who were taking care of very sick husbands, women who sat at my desk and cried. And I thought of some of my single women friends who claim that they desperately want a man in their life so that, when they get old and sick, he will take care of them. How do they know the guys won't get sick first or would the guys they pick really be their nursemaids when they get old and disabled? And this week I heard from several other friends in long term relationships, complaining about their husbands, how the one who has always refused to travel now refuses to take a trip or the guy who always refuses to go to parties with her now refuses to go to a party. And the single one who just met a guy who fell head over heels for her but has some traits she can't tolerate so she gave him some books to read so he'd suddenly become the man of her dreams.

Maybe the biggest problem in relationships or marriages is not money or lack of communication or not enough sex. Maybe it's unrealistic expectations and denial. My theory is that we women have really long lists of what we want in a mate and then we meet a guy who has a few of those qualities so we decide he must have all the items on the big list. When we find out he doesn't, we make it our project to make him into the guy we originally and mistakenly thought he was. Remember that line from Samantha in an episode of Sex and The City where she said something like, you can't change a guy, that maybe you can change his hairstyle or clothing, but even's that's a struggle. I read this week that personality is fully formed by the age of seven years old. Seven! How can we possibly change a guy in his 50s or 60s?!? I've heard so many times when a woman friend doesn't like something her guy has done, like he's unmotivated to get a better job or he doesn't show up on time ever or he'll never go to the movies with her, and she says, "I'm going to have a talk with him." Ladies, it doesn't work. It's like talking to my Suburu and telling it to be a Mercedes. Just not gonna happen. You get what you buy. That's it.

I know all this because I've done it. Many times. It's hard to get all that attention and affection and warm fuzzy stuff from a guy and face the fact that he has qualities that are intolerable so we have to give him up. Being such strong successful women, it's hard to admit that there really is something we cannot change or fix or make right. And I do admit that sometimes guys, and probably some of us women, put on a good show until we're hooked and then turn into slobs or get moody or refuse to pick up our clothes. But ladies, he is who he is. Accept him or move on. Really. But meanwhile, you can always count on your women friends for a great time. Every time.

Kitties, jobs, and little people.

2010-06-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Been a tough week in Chatsworth. Simone, the tortoise shell tabby cat, has been sick. Last Sunday, she just laid around, barely lifting her head, not talking, hardly eating or drinking, and not jumping up onto my lap. One vet visit, lots of lab tests, four different meds, and a lot of money later, she seemed to be feeling better. Then, a nasty infection grew on her back, exploded, and there were more meds, more money, and an even better feeling cat. Such a scare, especially after losing her best friend, the poodle Buddy, only one month ago. Whew, if I can survive feeding three pills and two droppers full of medication twice a day to a feline, plus washing the boo-boo, we will both be fine. Nice to hear her purring and "talking" once again.

Still, I've been a bit under the weather, emotionally. It's hard to do the job at work of three people, work for unhappy employers, take care of cranky sick people, and try to keep my staff from quitting. A sick Really, it's exhausting and that kind of emotional exhaustion makes me want to burrow inside of myself and do whatever it takes to stop feeling bad, be it carbs or a little wine or too much TV. And I find myself not having the energy or desire to be sociable, even though I know it's really the best remedy.

So thank goodness for happy, silly grandchildren. I had the company of the little ones yesterday, and listening to their giggles was salve for the weary soul. The little boy comes up with facts out of the blue, such as "Ice has no friction" and the little girl goes on in a voice that sounds so grown-up as she discusses protecting a classmate from bullies, "Well, you know, Gramma, that my friend is verrrrry little and verrrry quiet and sometimes the bad boys make fun of her and I just go up to them and tell them that it's just not nice to do that to her." Ah, the innocence of youth, how they see things so simply, how they are so brave, and how much pleasure they get from something like jumping in my pool or making a tiny village out of assorted castles and legos and play animals. Such a blessing to have them in my life.

So what's the message here? That life is tough. And that I may not have a lot of money and may not be happy at work and I may be be pretty worn down lately, but that I'm really blessed to have things, or people, in my life that make me smile and be happy. And that all the tough stuff in life is forgotten after even a few minutes of that kind of joy.

Margaret the Magnificent.

2010-05-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

I was treated to another Wow meeting at my house this week. Once again, my quiet home fills with the smells of potluck dishes and the cheery voices of women. I send out invitations and the Wowettes bless me with a delicious meal and their delightful company.

Our speaker was Margaret Futerer of http://www.magnificentwomen.net/home.html. Once again, I picked Margaret from an online speakers site and really didn't know if she would be a good speaker, but I was intrigued by the introduction on her website, "Each one of us is magnificent, each one of us has magnificence within our core. We have our own unique gifts, hopes, dreams, passions and purpose. Every woman has within her the incredible power to change her life and become more of the amazing woman she carries within her. Through a series of books, speeches, workshops and mentoring, Margaret Futerer guides women of all ages to discover and liberate their magnificent potential. Her programs are designed to help women develop the courage and compassion to set themselves free from the stories of their past. Through Margaret's workshops and weekend retreats women are inspired to connect with their life purpose and become the Magnificent women they were born to be. After the last very difficult four years on my job, I had finally realized, with some professional help, that the buttons in me being pushed by the new doctor were from my childhood and the thought of Margaret helping me to get past those wounds was irresistible.

And so was Margaret. Lovely, friendly, and smiling, she entered my house and I immediately felt a kinship. She was soft spoken but clearly strong, and I anticipated her story to inspire us all, and it did. Margaret was raised in a polygamous commune and grew up believing that the purpose of girls was to be wives and have babies and that they were to never have opinions or make decisions of their own. She watched girls grow up, be married in their mid teens, and have baby after baby. Her own mother had fifteen pregnancies and twelve children. The curious would sometimes visit her commune and move on, often leaving their children behind to fend for themselves. Even as a young child, she seemed to know she wanted more than this life and escaped at 17, creating a life of travel and adventure, all the time changing like a chameleon, always trying to find out who she really was. Different clothes, different behaviors, different cities, different men, and still Margaret didn't really know herself. Without support, she managed to survive on her own, even attending college and creating a business. She finally devised a three page list with descriptions of each quality she sought in a mate and amazingly did meet the man who fit the bill completely.

So she got married, was successful in business, had two children and was still not happy. Then, when the economy struggled, she lost her business and almost her house and then, after believing she could fix anything, she found herself flailing. Still, this challenge prompted her to reconnect with herself and her intuition. She started to really listen to herself and become aware of the "shoulds" she had placed on her self and her life and began the process of healing. She realized that she had focused on what was wrong in her and her life and that it had caused depression, so she decided to stop listening to those thoughts and instead focus on gratitude. She said when we shift from the negative to the positive, we become able to see the real possibilities in our lives. Next, she realized she needed to forgive. In forgiving her parents and forgiving herself for holding on to the emotional attachments of those old resentments, she found emotional liberation. Free of anger and bitterness and negativity, Margaret was able to connect with her real self, which led to her beginning to write and thus finding the beautiful creative voice that was within her.

Finally, Margaret discovered she was magnificent and realized that ALL women are magnificent - sensitive, nurturing, passionate, intuitive, and creative. If we connect with the magnificence in us, "we can do anything." Rather than being defined by our possessions or our job or our family, we are truly defined by "the relationship with ourselves." She ended by saying to all of us women, "I am magnificent. You are all magnificent." And for once, we were completely speechless, like something extraordinary had just happened within each and every one of us, as if each of us had realized, yes, regardless of our difficult childhood, our failures in relationships, our financial hardships, our anxieties....we are really, really magnificent.

When I had called Margaret to confirm that she was planning to attend the meeting and thanked her for her willingness to drive one to two hours to share her story with us, she said, "I love to inspire groups of women." I know the Wowettes were wowed by Margaret, and myself, I think I'll never be the same. After struggling all my life to overcome the pain of my upbringing and the ensuing failures and struggles of my life, I finally realize that it's just about realizing that I am magnificent, just as I am today, and that really, none of the past matters. Thanks, Margaret, for opening our eyes to recognizing our own magnificence and loving ourselves. Just as we are. Today.

A few guys respond...

2010-05-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my writing touches a nerve. Remember the guy online who I was liking in the first emails and then sent me naked pics of himself? He apologized for offending me with the pics and then we had some nice emails back and forth. He complimented my past blog writing and my appearance and we had a few cool discussions of philosophy and our ideas about relationships. Then he suggested we meet in person and sent him my phone number and he wrote that he "hated" phones and preferred to meet in person. I replied that I'm not comfortable meeting without talking on the phone first but, since his emails only came during the day during work hours and he didn't want to call me, I was getting the idea that he was probably married or otherwise attached and then he wrote: "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to stop this back-and-forth between us. You seem like a very intelligent, thoughtful, and physically attractive (!) woman, but I keep getting the feeling like you're trying to leash me and house-train me. Starting with the tsk-tsk about sending you some tastefully revealing photos, followed by the public flogging on your blog, the largely negative remarks about men ("passive-aggressive", alpha-male, father fear, etc.),the reluctance to discuss or contemplate anything sexual until you've been treated like a princess and wooed, and now concluding with the terms under which you would meet, you've left me afraid that you really do like to domesticate your men and call the shots. Maybe this is because you've had a lot of less-than-satisfactory experiences with them, but I don't want to put on a leash all the time because you've had a few dogs that behaved badly. I'm too nice, intelligent, and well-mannered for this bullshit. You blew it with your strong-arm tactics."

Yikes! I'm always glad to find out a potential date is angry or bitter or nuts in some way before I agree to meet, so thank you for showing me this side of you up front. Somehow, I don't think that being offended by naked pics showing details of your private parts or asking to speak on the phone before meeting are "strong-arm" tactics but, again, thanks for sparing me seeing this side of you in person.

I was kinda unnerved by this guy, obviously, and was delighted to hear from another guy who told me his opinion in a very kind and amusing way: "Hi Ellen - Maybe you're setting your sights too high? I mean expecting to find an employed Prince Charming with a brain who is ALSO single on line???? Hope springs eternal doesn't it? You hit it right though - no matter what our age, we really do have just one thing on our minds. (I am fond of saying that God only gives us enough blood to run one head at a time.) But even though you've probably made some nice female friends on line you haven't met any male keepers have you? I can't speak for all men but I'd hazard that you won't meet the man of your dreams there. You're obviously good looking and intelligent but do you project approachability (if that is even a word) when you are out and about? I mean you are able to 'converse' with a stranger on line but have you ever walked up to a guy in the supermarket and struck up a conversation? Even a smile might invite a man to ask you to dinner rather then cook that single piece of chicken in your basket. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and let the Universe provide..."

Thank you for your opinion! It's really the conundrum of the times. I remember in years past, before computer dating, how we girls would go to Friday night happy hours and meet nice guys every week. There were really cool guys at Parents Without Partners events and friends' houses and at the Longhorn Saloon where I was on the dance team. But there hasn't been PWP for a long time and the Longhorn closed years ago and friends don't have parties like they used to. And yes, I've been to dozens of local singles events recently, like Meetups or dances and it's like a graveyard, $20 for a bad dinner and singles my age hanging out with the ones they already know, not even looking my way and no way to mingle with them.

Really, I'm quite friendly. I'll talk to anyone in an elevator or in line at a store. I put on ten free singles parties a few years ago, each attended by over 100 40+ singles who mixed and mingled and laughed and danced and I talked to each and every person who attended, but that hotel has closed that room and the cost of other locations is prohibitive. I really don't see single men at Trader Joe's or Von's. I've been redecorating and painting my house, so I've been to the hardware store a dozen times recently, but the men there were with their wives or were contractors with their carts loaded with wood and tools and not remotely looking around. It was suggested to me to visit an Apple store, which I did and it was full of people, but everyone was completely engrossed in their individual computer.

Jeez, now I sound like I'm whining, but I seriously think many guys are sitting at home behind their computers, where they can write to as many women each day as they have time. It's almost like there are too many choices, and it's too easy to carry on conversations online with dozens of women at the same time. So what's a girl to do? As much as I'd love to have a great guy in my life for cuddling at home or adventures out in the world, I'm pretty content with my life as it is. I have some great friends, get to see my grandchildren every week, and like being by myself. In some eastern philosophies, the mere act of wanting "more" is noted as the cause of unhappiness, so I will choose to enjoy the moment and appreciate what I have right now. And, as the guy above suggests, if the Universe provides something or someone new, I am open to receive what it is with open arms and heart.

Men, want a woman? Read this.

2010-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

You don't get it. We get it. We know that you're all about sex. That your drive for sex can be stronger than your drive for food. That you can only do one thing at a time. That you don't understand, "please take out the trash more often," but you do understand, "Please take out the trash on Mondays and Fridays." We understand you like to belch and fart. We understand you don't hear understand hints. We understand you aren't mind readers.   We understand you can't use both sides of your brain at once. We know you love us and don't always know how to show it. We know you don't care if the house is a mess, as long as your favorite chair is available. We know you don't care if we cook gourmet meals or what brand of clothes we wear. We know you just buy more underwear when you run out of clean ones. We understand that you don't completely ever grow up. But we love you anyway.

But really, could you just try, just for a few seconds, to understand us? Why am I not dating, you always ask me? Because you ask to meet me for coffee and then you don't buy my coffee. Because you ask me out and your idea of a date is bringing over fast food and watching a video. Or you don't listen to anything I say all evening, talk about yourself and your ex-wife and your life all night....and then you expect me to have sex with you. This doesn't work. For me. Or for any woman with self-respect.

I did try to meet some guys by posting an online ad, again asking for some info about you, like where you live and what you like to do and what you're looking for and that you are over 50 and nonsmoking and to send a pic. So who answers this ad?  I get a guy who is 30 who likes "older women." I get a guy who goes on and on about wanting romance and love and, by the say, is in Africa right now but he'll be home soon and why don't I use his IM to contact him? And I get a guy who just writes, "What size are your breasts?"

And then I get the guy who just writes, "do you like boats?" And I'm in a weird mood, so I write back, "Big boats? Small boats? Ocean boats? Fresh water boats?" And he writes back, "Lake Havasu." And I'm figuring that, as much as I really do love boats, this guy isn't for me since he doesn't seem to have much to talk about. And then another email pops up from him and I open it to read, "Delicious. I like my women delicious. I like to eat them all night." I don't know his name, I don't know where he lives, and I don't know anything about him except he likes boats. And how did this get from boats to my most private parts? See why I don't date?!?

And then I read one more email from another guy and I think finally, just maybe, you guys have redeemed yourselves because he writes, "a bit about me: 50yo, 5-10, 165 lbs, in good shape from regular running/yoga/weights, single (divorced). Ph.D. scientist, quiet, considerate, generally optimistic about life and appreciative of beauty when it can be found. let me know if you'd like to know more..." And so I do write back, telling him that yes, I'd like to hear more about him and he writes, "I'm looking for a Renaissance woman. Someone who's aware of what's going on in the world and can discuss it over a beer or Malbec. Someone who feels good about herself and radiates casual charm and confidence. Someone that likes to do things like hiking, biking, going to museums and concerts. Someone who can laugh easily and find humor in most situations." So clearly, this guy is sounding better and better and I'm just about to write back and tell him that when another email pops up from him and it says, "Thought I'd give you a peek behind the curtain. Hope it's not too quirky!  I do bathe regularly and like a clean woman as well." And there, right in front of me on the screen are not one, not two, but THREE pics of him in his complete nakedness, showing all of his assets from each angle, up close and personal! NOOOOOO!

OK guys, this is the message. You like, OK you love sex. You need it. You might really do it to anything breathing. You can get turned on by anything, what you see or hear or smell. Or by nothing. We know that. And, believe it or not, we love sex too. But we are turned on by YOU, by your personality, by how you treat us, by your character, by how you make us laugh. We are turned on by when you hold our hand, when you tell us we're beautiful, by how you kiss behind our ears or how you run your fingers on our arms, by when you open the car door for us, by when you listen to us and respond to what we say, by how you remember what we said we liked and get it for us for our birthday. When you bring us flowers or rub our feet or cuddle with us after sex or when there is no sex. See, we fall for you because of who you are or what you do to make us feel special.  We need to feel close before we feel comfortable and desirous of sex with you.

So don't send us naked pics. Don't talk about sexual acts until we're having sex. We're women. It doesn't work that way for us. Get to know us. Show us who you are as a person. Make us feel important to you. Do something every day or every time you see us to let us know you're glad we're in your life. And then we'll want you. And you'll be glad you waited.

Furry love lives on.

2010-05-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I lost another love this week. For the past twelve years, that furry little guy was my companion, rarely more than a few feet away. He was silly and happy and wild and sweet. And wonderfully nice to my grandchildren, never once nipping or growling at them, always by their side or kissing them or lying across them. He loved to walk, he loved the cat, he loved food, and he loved me. Actually, he loved a lot of people and would practically wiggle out of his skin when one of his favorites came to visit. He would be on your lap just as your butt hit the couch and I believe he thought your reason to visit was to snuggle with him.

He was sick for a while, still cheery and wiggly and happy. But, at twelve years old and having lost five of his 23 pounds, he was at that point where treatment would be difficult, causing him pain and distress, and I made that impossible choice to end his life before great suffering began. I told him he was a really good dog, that I loved him very much, and that I appreciate how good he was to the children. And then he was gone and I am left with my memories. Wonderful memories of sweet, furry Buddy.

Painting, cleaning, and a new path.

2010-05-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

My Wow group was treated to an evening of fun, food, and nurturing. My home fills with these women who are very different, yet bond and nurture and bring yummy food to share. Our speaker was Judi Lirman, a marriage and family counselor, who chose the subject "Transitions and Silver Linings." Just as every speaker for five years of Wow meetings, Judi picked a topic by herself that spoke to the exact time of my life, just what I am trying to surmount or deal with or learn from. I'm written about my problems at work, how I'm finally learning to stand up to the alpha males who push old buttons in me, those times from my childhood when I learned to fear my father. I've been thinking about moving on, getting a new job after decades of this one. All transitions, all unnerving.

Judi talked about how change is always around us, how the world is changing so fast, how the rules changes, and how this can make us feel scared. She loves quotes and used this one, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." As in consider the challenge of change, not fearfully, but with excitement. Change hits us, so re-invent and recreate, stretch and learn. She talked about how we were raised with such TV shows as Leave it to Beaver, where the parents were perfect, the house was never a mess, all problems were easily solved in thirty minutes, and we learned that life was that simple. Then we were faced with wars and recessions and divorces and the reality of facing the big world on our own and we found that the script we had believed was unrealistic. Women in the 50s and 60s found their voices, realized that the lives of their mothers were not what they wanted, and launched themselves in the unknown, a world of their own creation, one never before seen. We learned that transitions, happy or not, can be stressful, that the end of a relationship or the lack of success in implementing a goal can be the end of a dream.

Judi said that there are three stages to a transition, the end, the middle, and the beginning, in that order. Something ends, pushing us in the middle stage where we feel neutral, floating, like treading water, unproductive, scared, empty, excited, like we've lost our bearings. The scariness is that we no longer know who we are, being uprooted and seeking a new beginning, which leads to new beginnings, new perspectives, a new sense of priorities, and even a change in values. She says that, during this stage, we should remember what we have previously accomplished, that we have skill and perseverence and the will to go on, that we have faith in ourselves and the universe that gives us the courage to face the unknown. She suggests that we rethink and re-evaluate our dreams, ponder what we might be missing in life, allow ourselves to believe we can accomplish new goals, and to be still enough to hear and learn what they might be. She says to pay attention to what entices or intrigues us, face the new fears we feel when we think about this new path and what could happen to use if we proceed, and realize that change is normal, part of life. Helpful tools include keeping a journal by writing in a stream of consciousness, jotting down whatever thoughts pop up, exercise and walk as meditation, get enough rest, take baths with candles all around. In other words, create an environment in which we feel good and are open to hearing the small voice that tells us the truth, suggests a path, leads us ahead. Judi reminds us that it's a process in growth and learning and that we need to celebrate each small accomplishment on the path. Clearly, Judi is a delight, a spirited and wise woman. You can reach her at 818-998-3205, and she encourages your calls.

I followed the Wow meeting by taking a week off work, just to rest and renew. I had been feeling less fearful at work, feeling more strength and power, but I just knew that it was time to take a break, to do something for myself, to take more steps on this path of change. After hearing Judi, I'm not so sure I'm supposed to take a new job, but rather conquer my fears where I am. Remember I started the process of moving forward by getting my carpets cleaned so this week, seeking to break out of what my daughter calls being "safe" at home, I painted my bedroom purple and taupe. I removed closet doors, curtains, and blinds and the room feels open and light and soothing. There's still more to do, like buying curtains and window treatments, but my very wise daughter reminded me to take my time, that I didn't need to do the work in a frenzy, that I could do it step by step, and to resist setting a deadline for it to be finished. Again, change is a process and yes, I am relishing in the work I have accomplished and the feeling I have created in the room. My thanks to my handyman/contractor Sam, who refused to charge me for doing the heavy lifting - you can reach Sam at 818-992-1884. He does everything well, was generous with his suggestions about painting, and even called to offer to loan me tools and brushes and dropcloths. And again thanks to my carpet cleaner, who gladly returned to clean the parts of my bedroom that were under the old bed, changed me 1/2 his minimum fee, and ended up redoing all of the most heavily traveled areas because, "I care about my customers." You can reach Sylvan and his "Supermachine" at 818-335-2775.

So I've enjoyed my week off work, appreciate the hard work I've accomplished, and relish the changes in my home. Now, I will look forward to whatever changes or challenges come next with a spirit of optimism and cheerful anticipation.. I'll keep you posted.

The gift we leave behind.

2010-04-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

I just heard that a friend of mine died a few days ago. Larry Painter was a boyfriend from the late 80s who I saw every few years since then, catching up on our lives like we'd never been apart. Tall, blond, good-looking with dimples, always with a smile on his face. He was the only person in my life who called me, not Ellen, but L...N. The initials, said with affection.

He wasn't the usual guy in our materialist society. He never had much in the way of possessions, but he really appreciated what he did have and did not seem to desire more. When he was with me, I always felt that he was fully there, concentrating on being with me, for whatever time we were together. There was something in him that kept him from deeper commitment, but he was content with his life and never sought the answers to what it might be. He made friends easily, he loved people, and most of all he loved his daughter. I always felt there was some unexplained sadness beneath his wonderful smile, like he never quite knew why he didn't achieve many of his dreams, but he lived like each day was enough, that he was grateful for whatever pleasures that day might bring.

I don't think love goes away. I think that we carry a piece of everyone we meet, that the minutes or years we are together change each of us, make us different people. Larry's joy and love softened me, made me more relaxed, allowed me to breathe in life more deeply. I'll bet he did that for lots and lots of people lucky enough to have known him.

The fog lifts and the carpets get cleaned.

2010-04-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

Picture a really foggy day. You can't see the light, it's cold, you don't know where you are, and you're scared. OK, that's been my life for the past few years, but I didn't realize it. And then, I had a melt-down, couldn't stop crying, and my assistant at work made me go to my doctor. Since my regular doc is out on maternity leave, I end up with a handsome temp doc with the loveliest Italian accent and the very, very kindest manner. He didn't know me and there I was crying in his office and he talked and listened and talked some more and gave me some nice meds and said to come back in one week. Then he said that I needed to stop rescuing my employers, to just agree to do what they asked, even when I knew their ideas wouldn't work and might even cause them harm. And then I started getting better.

There's this thing with momentum. Either you are stuck in one place or you're moving forward. How did I get moving? I got my carpets cleaned. Simple, huh? But now I was moving, feeling more in control of my life, starting to feel empowered and strong. I cleaned closets, sorted through the garage, and had a garage sale. Got rid of dirt and clutter and old stuff and I feel like a big weight has been lifted. Along the way, I did update my resume and start thinking about how I really could, after 32 years in one job, get another one and that it might be really good for me and a great adventure. I went to the doctor again and he said I have reclaimed my life. Nice. I'm sure feeling better. Still have some moments of panic and fear, but generally feeling strong.

Now that the fog has lifted, I'm feeling like dating again, so I create a personal ad, telling a little about me and asking for the guy to be over 50, live near me, be unattached/unmarried, and asking that the guys write something about themselves and send a picture. Pretty simple instructions, I think, but the replies? I'll just let you be the judge:

In the “what about unattached/unmarried don’t you understand” category:

I am peter 60wtm, 5.6" and 170 lbs. very healthy and active and like your ad, very open minded, but before we start i would like to say something as an honest man. My wife is disable for 11 years and my first time I decided to start a life. is this acceptable? I live in Burbank. I appreciate your honest answer

hi im 52 years old im from n.hollywood im unhappy married lets meet

HI IM A FUCKEN DOG WHO IS CHEATING ON MY WIFE!!!

In the “I’m only going to write one line and I just know you’ll want me anyway” category:

What are you doing ? Blessings G

if you like lets hook up

i wouldn't kick you out of bed.

do you have any tats?

Hi,looking very nice lets strike up a conversation lv.a no.

Hello, Want to know if your real? Don't mine send a pic

my lucky day...i just turned 50

Hey I will love to get to now u

how about an ongoing casual relationship...

semi-retired...

hello i am 55 i am 6ft 2'' i am 215 lbs i am interested in you we should talk

hey my name is Jessy...please respond

I'm 40/m LA close to pasadena. You Make The Call?

Hi!!!:)

In the “I’m leaving town for a long time but I’m just so sure you’ll want to wait for me” category:

I'm 57 years old and live in the West SFV. I wish I had more time to spend communicating this reply but I'm very busy right now trying to put business and personnel things in order before leaving on Wednesday to spend a month exploring The Yucatan. I liked what you had to say in your post and would like very much to get to know you better. Please send me and email or give me a call and let me know how to contact you when I return in the beginning of may. I hope to hear from you,

In the “I refuse to use good grammar or spelling but aren't I fabulous anyway?" category:

well i see your looking for a older man well i am older (55) and getting older by the day i am a privet body guard and own a security business i travel all over the world with clients and would love to find a strong woman to share my time with i am sending a pic of myself so you tell me..

ok now talk to me what you arent a 1 and done type are you you got my pic but still i have not recieved yours all i ask is that you be up front with me ok if i dont make the your cut just tell me ok so i can at least move on is that to much to ask for ????

wow I like the way you look, my name is emilio I have 41 yrs old 5:06 (tall) 135 lbs. I like to go 3 or 4 times to the gym I like to do Sport E. so I want to be honest w/ you I realy like to meet you I love the people like you honey w/ more age them me please I just neet to meet you I live close to you lest give me a change I not desapoint you please thanks and have a nice day I hope you hear of you

In the “I’ll bet my anger will make you hot” category:

In the order mentioned: I think I'm real, divorced 15 years ago, not
attached and 66. Done drown spiritually, like to lauch but what is there to
laugh about in this economy, who is emotionall healthy in this economy
screwed by the Republican deregulatinist. How is that for putting you on the
defensive.

I am ready for a good, solid relationship with any intelligent person.
Period. I am somewhat solvent at the moment provided the economy does not
tank dramatically even more. I am a realtor which explains all. I do not
think that it was the subprime loans that did this economy in but the credit
default swaps that were widely sold by AGI and others that did us in.

And finally, in the “Let’s get right to the point” category:

I Like to Kiss and F--- and Dance

The choices we make.

2010-03-20T03:24:00.000-07:00

Life is a series of changes. Each decision we make takes us down a different path. We marry or we don't. We have children or we don't. We take one job over another. We stay with our decision or leave our mate/job/city and do something else. Each time we make a decision our life changes. Even not making a decision is a decision. The story of our life can be dramatically different, depending on each and every decision we make. We are the artists of our own lives.

I'm at a place in my life where I am reaping the rewards of those many decisions I've made throughout my life. And I'm thinking about where different choices would have taken me. I'm stayed in a job I treasured for decades and now my work has been difficult and sometimes unbearable, and I'm realizing the toll it has taken on my life and emotions. It makes me wonder about where I'd be if I'd changed jobs years ago, gone to college earlier in life, choosen a different career, or lived in another state.

So I'm rethinking where I am now. I could retire. I could change jobs. I could sell my house and downsize or move away. I could travel the world, spending time in different countries, as long as I please, and move on whenever I feel like it. I think about the book and now the movie, Eat...Pray...Love and wonder if that should have been the story of my own life, coming through a divorce and taking one year to see the world, living in different countries, making friends of other nations, finding myself along the way.

I was a hippie in the sixties, long hair and beads and dancing outdoors to psychedelic music at Griffith Park, surrounded by crowds of similarly dressed and drugged revelers. I was invited by a guy I barely knew to live in the center of this movement in Haight Ashbury and I chose not to go. I stayed in my parents' home, married a sailor, moved to Hawaii, had a child, and got divorced, and then it seemed like most of my choices were then made for me. I had to work, take care of a child by myself, and survive. Living in an ashram in India was no longer an option, and I settled into a life of surburbia, my hippie days long gone.

Sometimes I feel sad when I think about those outer things that would have made people see me as still free-spirited. My house is classically middle class and average, notably free of beaded curtains and bean bag furniture. I dress in jeans and sweaters and have short hair, not long dresses made of tie-dye, and haven't had long hair since my early twenties. Have I lost myself? Have I sold-out? Do clothes and furniture and hair styles determine who we are?

Maybe those trappings can be just costumes, a way to make the world think we're really hip, like we think dressing and looking a certain way makes others, and ourselves, think we really are free-spirited when we might not be. I remember a recommendation letter written for me in my twenties, describing my silly humor, my multi-religiousness, my quirky demeanor, and I realize that my "Ellen-ness" was there then and is still within me.

I may work a traditional job and live in an average-looking home and have a poodle, but I'm still me. I'm spunky, I'm creative, and I make people laugh. I'd still like to travel the world, going wherever the wind takes me and moving on whenever I want. I'd like to work for the Peace Corps, bringing schools or water or education to those less fortunate. I'd like to live in Topanga Canyon and have a funky house, full of mis-matched furniture that looks really cool, but really I'd worry about the fire danger there. If I traveled, I'd miss seeing the joy in my daughter's eyes when she is happy. I'd miss seeing my grandchildren grow and change and giggle. I'd miss my friends and the safety and comfort of my home. I still can retire and travel and see the world whenever I please, I really could. But I really think I like my life, just the way it is, right here in the Valley, close to those I love.

Money, money, money.

2010-01-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

We need it. It's hard to get. Some have more than others. Some don't have any. Money. "Love of money is the root of all evil." The Bible. Jackie Mason - "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." Edith Wharton - "The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it." Rita Rudner - "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." Woody Allen - "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

I'm at the age when I'm thinking about retirement. How good it could be, how much I'd like not to work, what wonderful things I could do with my time.....And then I wake up and think about the reality of how much money I might have, how much money I would need, and how the two don't jive. I think about how I should have saved more all these years, how I shouldn't have bought this or that, how I should have invested better, how I should have sought a more lucrative career. Shouda, woulda, coulda.

So it was good timing to have a financial planner as our Wow speaker this month. Meet Elad Goren, partner in Financial Pointe, a 34-year-old man who was well dressed, well spoken, and very down-to-earth, the advisor to one of our Wowettes who is retiring with a nice solid nest-egg. He taught us about what financial planners actually do, which is a lot more than investing your money, and talked about how boring his plans for our money will be. Find a way to make our money grow and leave it there. How easy is that? It was surprising how little we all know about investments and how little money some of us have. It's never too late to start making money for our retirement, he assured us. That's good news.

I like Elad. He was a good teacher, explaining concepts so we all understood them easily. Like how people pull their money out of their plans when the value goes down and then put the money back in when the value goes up. His example was like going to Nordstrom's for a 50% off sale and saying we would wait until the prices went up again before we buy. It's amazing that, with something as vital as our money we are not so smart.

Just like any other of life's problems, it's best not to just sit and worry, but to take action. Best not to fret about the future, but do constructive things to make it better and still enjoy the moment. So my advice is to call Elad at 818-338-3570 or 888-339-3570 and talk about your money and your future. He promises to take any calls and answer any questions. Nice guy, seemed honest and smart. And he just might make your future greener!

Marriage as a purchase.

2010-01-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

Geez, I haven't posted in forever! Really, not much to say, just living a quiet life, single, listening to married girlfriends reminding me how being married isn't necessarily a great thing, going out with single girlfriends and having the best time, and fielding phone calls from other single women friends who are meeting not-so-fab men. Ah, last week I did two loads of laundry and left the clean clothes on my kitchen bar counter for five days and no one complained. No one noticed. I can do 1000 piece puzzles on my kitchen table, wear baggy sweats, and not get dressed on the weekend and no one notices. Is that bad? Naw, kinda cool, I think.

So I'm home from work on a Wednesday, having survived another day working for doctors. Excellent docs, but picky and unreasonable and demanding. Another day, another dollar. And I remain grateful to have a job in these tough economic times.

So I have that new doctor, finally calming down after three years working with us, maybe finally realizing that our combined 50 years experience might just mean that we know more about running a medical office than a new doctor with zero, none, not-one-minute, of training in billing, coding, scheduling, authorizations, collections, and the other zillion things required for us to have such a successful office. We're actually starting to enjoy him, now that he realizes that we might be an asset to him.

Our new doc is pushing to switch to an EMR system, the new electronic medical records package we can use for all the office functions and allow us to see our records online, rather than in paper charts. I find it exciting and daunting all at once, having heard many horror stories about how it can take six to nine months or more to get past the chaos of learning and using this kind of system. Remember, I'm the one who went to college in my 40s and had the best time, so clearly I like a challenge.

So I've been talking to a guy at one of the systems we're considering for the office, a smart and rather no-nonsense guy who tells it like it is, but clearly thinks his system is one of the best. After days and days of me calling him with my "Question of the Day," he finally said that buying such a system is like deciding who to marry, that we should make a very careful decision since getting out of it can be a nightmare. I don't know, I looked at 60 houses before buying mine and researched many long hours before buying my Suburu, but made some pretty emotional and impetuous decisions about husbands. I still have my house and my Suburu, but I'm definitely single.

Being human beings, maybe most or even all of our decisions are emotional. I buy a dress because it makes me feel pretty or sexy. I like to eat comfort food, see funny movies so I can laugh and romantic movies so I can feel happy, and I like to be with my friends because I feel loved and wanted. We buy things or pick out mates based on what we hope to feel, wishing that the object will bring us satisfaction or our mate will hold our hand in hard times. Just as whatever system our office buys will have its good and bad points, the mates we choose will have qualities we like and some we wish he didn't have. We make our decisions based on the information we have at the time and the hopes we wish it will fulfill and sometimes we get more information and regret our decisions. But sometimes not making decisions is worse, requiring us to use old outdated software or not dating and missing out on the possibility of a new romance. So I say to my docs, pick one and let's get started! And to myself, maybe it's time for me to give a new guy a chance. Maybe.

Holidays, friends, and fun.

2009-12-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

Ah, life! You ask what's been happening in my life and it's the same. Work, friends, grandchildren. Here's some pics to show you....

This is my amazing grandson Quinn and his Purple Monster. He knows that real monsters NEVER go to Gramma's house. He made this one himself!
This is Quinn's twin sister Talia, the Princess, standing before their art gallery at my house. Yes, she's a bit toothless.

This is Simone, the tabby kitty, lying on my 1000 piece puzzle, even though I've told her many, many times not to do it! Don't you think there are a zillion more comfortable places to hang?

Some of my Wowettes at a recent potluck at my house. Fabulous group always.

We visited a Fall Fair at a local farm about 30 miles north of my house on Halloween. Thousands of pumpkins, lots of animals, fresh vegetables, a ride in a train through a hillside of sunflowers, two happy children, and a very happy gramma.

They love to play on the tractor at the farm!

Talia had her face painted to match her Snow Princess Halloween costume.

Thanksgiving at gramma's. That's a pumpkin pie my daughter made from the Halloween pumpkin. See the smiley face in the pie?

The morning after an overnight at Gramma's. PJs, the tabby cat, and toys on Gramma's kitchen island bar.

Yes, that's me and Santa. I left an office full of patients to see my patient being Santa! He's been playing Santa for decades, starting when he was the only Jewish guy in his military unit. The hospital next to my office hosts hundreds of needy children for lunch, entertainment, a picture with Santa, and a big bag of toys for each! This was held on the same day that my daughter visited the twin's class to teach the 1st graders about Hanukah. There are miracles everywhere.

The gifts of the season.

2009-12-06T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'm enjoying the holiday season. End of year, Christmas, Hanukah, my birthday, all in a few weeks time. It's a lovely time of year to celebrate miracles. I love that the holidays, no matter what religion, are about miracles, amazing happenings we can't explain logically. The virgin birth, the miracle of the lights, even our birthdays are celebrations of life, that mysterious thing that we so take for granted but is really beyond our comprehension. Our heart pumps, our kidneys filter, our blood delivers oxygen - sometimes the mere thought of how our body works makes me think there must be a god or something much greater than ourselves that can perform miracles and create what we can't understand. It's a season to stop and realize the majesty of our mere being, that we are in a certain place at this particular time to learn or grow or be a blessing to others. Makes me misty, thinking about the miracles in my own life, that I have the most beautiful daughter, that she has created a wonderful family, that she loves me. It's beyond my ability to comprehend, but I appreciate that I exist and that I'm here, right here and right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more fun things or seeing more people or doing more charity work or fostering a child or giving my time to the needy or a multitude of things. I'm never going to cure cancer or travel to the moon or even put a needy child through college. Sometimes I'm so caught up in survival, paying my bills, wondering how I'll be able to retire, that I don't even think about those lofty goals. But really, maybe it's enough to just be me, to just give a smile to the checker at the store, to try to make the job easier for my staff at work, to listen to my friends, to encourage my daughter, to hug my grandchildren, to do the little daily things that might make life just a tiny bit happier for the people I see every day.

We don't have big holidays in my family, just a few of us getting together opening a gift or two and sharing a meal. But I think keeping it simple helps us remember the real gifts in life, that we are healthy, that we have a roof over our heads, and that we love each other deeply. I certainly will never understand the meaning of life or how it's possible to create a kidney or a flower, but I'll always understand that happiness in this life isn't in the presents we open, but appreciating what can't be bought.

Matters of the heart.

2009-11-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

I sailed through my cardiac catherization yesterday, thanks to a fine doctor, my motherly daughter, and my best friend. And some very kind nurses and techs. Nothing to it. No pain, no discomfort, just some yummy drugs and it's over! Again in my life, something I feared turned out to be no big deal at all.

After five hours of lying still on my back to allow the wound to heal, my new cardiologist came in to send me home and my friend asked about proper heart diet. The doc isn't one to give short answers, so we were treated to a lesson on what to eat to keep our hearts healthy. Only two egg yokes per week, no cheese, only occasional red meat,and no chicken skin. Only healthy fats like canola. Breakfast should be the biggest meal of the day, and dinner should be a very small meal, as food takes eight hours to fully digest. One 81 mg. aspirin daily. 1000 mg. of fish oil twice a day. And lots of exercise. I sure didn't know that eating salt causes high blood pressure which harms the arteries! What he told us were all things I have known to do or not to do but didn't, and now I'm quite motivated to do them. By the way, my arteries are only slightly clogged, nothing to prevent or impinge on blood flow, and proper care will keep them that way. Yeah! (You can check out what Dr. Oz has to say about heart health)

So what did I learn? That I have a second chance to get healthy. That sometimes we have to let go and let others take care of us. That maybe the tightness in my chest is due to bad diet choices, like dairy and chemicals. That I'm pretty lucky to have lots of friends who checked in to see if I was OK. That my best friend is truly a saint. That my daughter is a wonderful nurturer. And that my heart is pretty healthy. Not a bad day after all.

Scanners, hearts, and a nice guy.

2009-11-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

Ventricular tachycardia. Yep, VT. I had a few beats of that on my recent stress-echo test, and now I'm a patient. I don't like being a patient. I've worked for doctors for forty years, always taking care of patients, and I don't like being one. I've been placed on a low dose beta blocker, which is supposed to prevent those unhealthy heartbeats, so that's good.

Just to make sure my cardiac arteries are open and pumping nicely, today I underwent a CTA. It's a computer tomography heart scan, using a special CT scanner to visualize the heart and the arteries. It's less invasive than the conventional angiogram, which uses a catheter into a vein or artery using a small incision. Just a CAT scan and some dye, but I'm not thrilled.

Ya gotta know I'm not happy to be a patient. I get to the imaging facility thirty minutes early, as requested, having had no food or water for four hours, fill out three minutes worth of papers and then sit. I'm thinking this is not so nice, bringing me here so early to just wait for twenty-five minutes. And the front desk people were civil, but not exactly my best friends. So finally, someone calls my name and takes me back to prepare for the test and right away I tell him that I think being a patient sucks. He just looks at me politely and says in his slow drawl, "we'll just try to change your mind today." So he's tall, dark, and good-looking and treats me with obvious kindness and I realize it's gonna be tough to be a cranky patient with this guy. He takes me into a little room, proceeds to slowly and quietly tell me all about the procedure, what to expect, what I'll have to do, what meds will be used, and how it will all feel. He says that there isn't a tech better than him, and by now I'm believing it. So this is nice, I think, being cared for so respectfully by someone so skilled and I just sit back to let it happen.

The actual procedure was easy. I'm in the CT scanner with my arms overhead, IV in place, leads on my chest, and a warm blanket across my body. He turns on the scanner and I can see some of its mechanism going around and around my the table and I'm thinking how amazing it is that a machine can take pictures of my beating heart, reconfigure them, and create a picture of my heart and arteries, all in a few minutes. I take a breath, I hold my breath, I breathe again, he puts contrast into my IV, I feel the heat all through my body just as he said I would, and then it's all over. I'm thinking to myself it's just magic, it's all just magic, when he says, "Technology properly implemented is indistinguishable from magic." Aaaaahhhh.

And then he talks about what it takes to be good at something, that it takes skill and attention to detail both. He says that some people have one or the other, but not many have both. He says it's important to listen to the patient, to really hear the patient, and then proceed with consideration of who you are treating. A real gentleman, this man.

So I write today to thank Michael for his kindness to me when I was frightened and alone. That I appreciate your tenderness and concern for my well being. That I wish more people were just like you. And yes, you made being a patient not so bad, after all.

Hearts, toes, and potluck.

2009-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Whew, what a week! It started with a visit to my doctor for chest pains, an abnormal EKG, and then an emergency room visit where all tests were normal. Lucky me, working for trauma surgeons got me into an ER room without waiting, so that was good, but then they wouldn't let me out. It didn't help that when my boss-docs stopped by in their scrubs after surgery and I asked them to get me out, one told the nurse, "Don't listen to anything she says, don't let her go home, she's (and a finger motion circling his own head) kinda crazy - and we have power of attorney so don't let her out." Ha, ha. Finally, a hospitalist doc stopped by to say I could go home if I'd show up the next morning for a stress echo test. Did that, turned out slightly abnormal, and I kinda panicked. My mother died of heart disease so I'm quite aware of what happens. And I'm not a good patient, I admit. In my job, I've always taken care of patients but this being a patient sucks. I got in to see the cardiologist two days later (again, it's who you know in life, isn't it?) who wasn't too worried but put me on some meds to prevent the irregular heartbeat so I'm not so distressed anymore. How do my sick patients do it! Such angst!

And a Wow meeting was this week, after a six month hiatus, and I was really looking forward to the potluck and the noisy spirited women in my house. The night before the meeting, I was cleaning the front room, moving furniture, and dropped the ottoman on my toe. Yow! It was beyond pain! It bled everywhere! And I sat down, put a package of frozen peas on my foot, and the horror subsided. Doesn't hurt anymore, but I'm just wondering how this toenail, in six pieces, will grow out. Oh well.

So Thursday night, the ladies showed up, food and flowers and gifts in hand, and it was delightful. The dinner was delicious and the ladies upbeat and cheery. After dinner, we gathered in the room with the killer ottoman to answer the question, "What did I do this summer?" Interesting answers, very interesting. Several ladies suffered serious health problems, but are recovering well. One finally moved her business and is enjoying increased customers in her new location. Several went to Las Vegas, one for vacation and one to gather with family from other states. One joyfully bragged about her new granddaughter and the engagement of her son. Two have been enjoying singing in the musical I wrote about recently and are both helping fix up a condo one bought. One is a few months from retirement and just bought a rental house in Arizona to increase her income. One, ending a three-year cycle of death and loss, is now enjoying rebuilding the house her mom left her that burned down, but dealing with the feelings for the contractor who caused the fire. Only two of us took big trips, but the others mostly stayed home, having a quiet summer with friends and families.

What was most surprising to me was that several of the ladies talked about being in relationships with men who are less than satisfactory, less than attractive to them, and men they like but aren't passionate about. Before the meeting, when thinking about what to say about my own summer, I realized how much I enjoy living alone, how I'd enjoy a fine man in my life, but still appreciate being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. And not missing the drama that can come with a romantic relationship, wondering what he means, what he wants, what I want, etc, etc. These ladies are holding onto men that are not right for them, men who don't treat them well, men who are cheap and disrespectful, men who cause them grief. After so many years single, it's hard for me to comprehend these fine women choosing to settle, choosing men who don't brighten their lives or treat them like queens. But I do understand not wanting to be alone because I felt that in my early single years, that need to be wanted and loved, that need to feel connected and desired.

I guess it shows that I'm content with myself. That I've learned to enjoy my company and learned to enjoy solitude. And that's good. But I want my friends to be happy, to live joyful lives, to surround themselves with friends and mates who adore them and appreciate them. Still, I can't make their decisions, but their choices show me how far I've grown. And I appreciate that.

Why, why, why?

2009-10-19T16:57:00.001-07:00

I get questions. This one is from one of my Wowettes, an attractive and fun woman in my group, who writes:

I'm frustrated with myself. Maybe you have an answer. Why do men call your cell number and not leave and message; and then immediately call your home number and not leave a message? Not even a "Hi". Why waste their time and mine? If they wanted to call - don't you think they would say something? Please give me your opinion. Thanks for your help. Or, if you can, give me a "reply" to this guy. Obviously he is under my skin and it is annoying why he just can't say something!

I admit I used to wonder about the "why." Why do men not call? Why do they talk about sex before meeting? Why don't they have manners? Why? I used to have a friend who would call me about something a guy said or something he did and ask me "What do you think he means by that?" She would have already asked a bunch of her other girlfriends and would tell me their opinions and ask what I thought. I figure we could make 1000 guesses and still not know what the guy meant anyway. Even if she asked the guy himself, he might not even be aware of his actions or the meaning of them - or be unwilling to tell the truth, for fear of seeming insecure or stupid or whatever guys think. There's just no way to know.

So, dear Wowette, the answer is....drumroll....It doesn't matter. It might not mean anything. He might just be shy or macho or not like your voice or really like your voice or not be comfortable leaving a message or might be afraid to say the wrong thing or be pissed off you weren't there or be married and changed his mind or one trillion zillion other options. But, it just doesn't matter. It means nothing. It tells you nothing about him. Nothing. Guesses are just guesses. At least he is trying to reach you, isn't he?

After many angst-filled conversations with the girl friends and many hours spent obsessing about what he means, I just let go. He called and he didn't leave a message. So what? If he is really interested, he'll call again and again until he reaches you. Or he won't. It means nothing. What is important is what you find out about him during your conversations. What matters is WHO he is really, in person, and in actions. I give you the advice my to-be-son-in-law gave me years before he married my daughter, when we were in college together (him in his 20s and me in my 40s)after taking a final exam and starting to think I should have studied harder, I should have changed an answer, etc, etc......he said, "Let it go." I can't tell you how many times since then this has helped me relax, have more peace, be calm and peaceful. That's right, just let it go. It means nothing. Really. Let it go.

Being, doing, going.

2009-10-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

My daughter is in the process of being laid off her job of fourteen years. She's in her late 30s, has a successful husband, and their family can survive well without her income. She's in transition, making a big change, and thinking about what to do next with her time. She's busy, has a nice circle of friends, and the children are doing well in school, so there's no issues creating drama that would prevent her moving on to whatever she wants to do. But what should she do?

Life really is a series of changes and transitions. Just growing older each year and seeing the world from a the changing perspective of our increasing age is change. Some of us marry and some of us divorce, we change jobs, we move, and we make new friends or lose old ones. Our jobs change, our careers shift, and we are constantly affected by what we see and hear about what's happening in the world. We get sick and we get well. We watch our friends' lives change, we have children or grandchildren, prices go up and our income buys less, and life is never quite the same from one day to the next. Even if our routine stays the same, we as people, we as individuals, are constantly changing.

And for me? We took on a new doc in the office three years ago, everything shifted, and I'm still reeling from what those changes caused. I stopped having singles parties and I stopped dating. I made a few new friends and a few others moved on. I'm still a mother and a grandmother, but those I love are constantly changing and growing, so that affects me, too.

The issue is still always "what should I be doing?" Should I date again? Should I go back to school? Should I do volunteer work? Should I take different exercise classes? I've spent the past year or so kinda sliding along, learning to cope with my job, enjoying my time at home, having occasional dinner and movies nights with my women friends, spending time with my grandchildren, taking a few trips, and yet I still ask myself if I should be doing something else, something more.

I have encouraged my daughter to think less, to just enjoy the extra time and space in her life now that she is not working. I want her to just "be." To hold still, breathe deeply, and really go-with-the-flow. Let the world move her to and fro a little. Let life surprise her with what comes to her without her having to figure it out. Allow each day to unfold easily. Be available to whatever comes next.

Even as I suggest she just let go, let things happen, I sometimes think I "should" be doing more, seeing more people, going to more events, being more busy. But, after a lifetime of being a single parent, going to college and working full time as an adult, keeping my own house, being a grandparent, tending to an ailing parent, being very-very-very busy for many, many years, I am having a hard time just sitting still and allowing myself to do nothing. To watch TV. To take walks. To sit outside and feel the sun on my skin. To read novels. To just be and do whatever or do nothing and feel like that's enough. What is it that makes us feel like there's some scale somewhere that we must measure ourselves against to prove that we're productive enough, that we're participating enough in life? Who judges this?

So, for now, I'm going to take my advice for my daughter and give it to myself. That, outside of meeting our personal needs, there's no standard to follow, no yardstick to tell us we're doing enough or being social enough or having enough nights out. It's OK to do nothing. It's OK to coast. It's OK to just....be.

Who knew?

2009-09-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've recently traveled across the world to historical sites, archeological digs, and ancient wonders of the world. And I loved every minute of this amazing trip back in time to sites that have existed for centuries. I think of all the people who have lived there through time, the people for whom these breathtaking sites were home, and even the battles for power in each location. Visiting these ancient sites changed my life, as travel often does.

Yet, I come home and find that there is a theater just up the road from me, a not-for-profit theater group with only their 2nd production, and guest starring two of the the Wowettes! Patt and Karen created Sentimental Journey (www.sentimentaljourneyLA.com)a few years ago after meeting at a karaoke club nearby. One of Karen's parents was in a nursing home and, after visiting and seeing a guy entertaining the residents with CDS on his boombox, she offered to sing for them with Patt. When Patt left town to care for an ailing sister, Karen asked Jocelyn to take her place. Then, Patt returned and they formed a trio, and the ladies have been singing to parties and birthdays and other celebrations ever since.

So the ladies are now being featured in a local theater presentation of "Ain't No Spring Chickens and a Coupla Hot Chicks" (A Rock and Roll review). Having only heard the ladies sing casually at clubs, I was delighted to be able to hear them sing professionally, so I invited a few other Wowettes and we set out last night with great anticipation. You certainly could have missed the theater in this block of what looked like horse ranches, but I had good directions and parked two doors away, at a park nestled in the mountains only a few minutes from my own little tract house.

So the show? I don't have the words. Breathtaking, fun, delightful, amazing. A large group of very talented dancers and singers presented songs from the 40s and 50s, all dressed in period costumes and all seeming to have the time of their lives. Picture big wigs, poodle skirts, and even the tranvestite scene from a cult film. Very clever and lots of fun, it was just impossible not to clap and sing along. I had a smile on my face the whole time, when I wasn't laughing out loud.

And the trio? They sing 3-part harmony that is heavenly. I heard their first note and closed my eyes so I could fully hear their voices without the distraction of their beautiful faces. The songs they chose are delightful, and their lilting harmonies are still with me, even two days later.

So the message? There are treasures near and far. Seeing wonders of the world is memorable and life-changing. Finding surprise treasures right in my own neighborhood and being blessed with such gifted friends is priceless. Want to experience this for yourself? There are a few more weekends left in the show, but it's a very small theater, so call (818) 998-0185 now for reservations and tell them Ellen sent you!

These are my options?

2009-09-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of dating again. Could happen. So a friend posts a personal ad, gets lots of responses, so I put one up myself. Thought I'd share some of the responses with you. I know there's lots of crazies out there, but there could just be one great guy made for me. Never know.

First, one that my Jewish friend got: The guy writes all about himself, and everything about him sounds perfect. Then, he adds, "Just gotta say that I hate Latinos and Jews." To which she writes back, "Shalom. Adios." Ah, if only I were that clever.

So I write the ad, staing a few requirements, like he needs to live not far from me, not be married or attached, be politically liberal, etc, and post the above picture from the cruise. These are the responses, just as written:

In the "duh" category:
Sure it sounds OK to me...
But who is the woman in post photo?

In the "I don't date children, but gee, thanks" category:
hello I am 20 years old and I think that you a gorgeous. I would love to get together sometime and just have fun. I love older woman and think you are beautiful.

Hello there sexy my names is Q and I am really interested in your add and what you have to say. I am really atracted to older women, I am 31 years old and full of energy I would like to talk if we can hear is one of my pics..

In the "I don't date children, but sometimes I wish I did" category:
what a sexy sweet woman...would you have any interest in a younger man 34, who is clean healthy hot nice unbelievably romantic and so so much attracted to a real woman, a mature woman, I dont know why but I am so attracted to more mature womenlove red wine kissing talking, being together.......oh how I wish you could be with me and you would not think of me as a young boy or young...age is only a number,as cheesy as that sounds still its so trueyou just look so feminin and soft and sweet,so sexy to me...well,if you dont meet anyone nice and who thinks of you as hot as I do,then am yours...I will just worship you till you have had enough and then will go on my adventure to finding a jobtake a chance darling life is more fun if you listen to honestyand ok you just turn me on so much

In the "Seriously geographically undesirable" or "You live WHERE?" category:
Read your post and it caught my interest; romantic, adventurious, joie de vivre. I think this is someone I would like to be acquainted with. However, at this moment, I'm sitting on a hilltop in Citta` della Pieve, Umbria, Italy renovating a three story stone farmhouse. You won't be able to enter my name in your date book for this evening.

In the "Whaaaattttt?" category:
This is not my Cup of Tea !!!! Please if you will call me,It is cool if you block your # *67 .I Can hear that you are a real Lady, and I will tell you were you can find pics of me

RU real? I answered yes and then he wrote back: unfear but it is okey

In the "Did you think I'm selling something?" category:
35 IN 818 WITH $$

In the "Gee, this is good for my ego" category:
Wish I fit all those catagories you look VERy yummy

OK, still looking. Could still happen. Think I'll go read a good book.

Traveling to foreign lands at home.

2009-09-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'll put up more pix of the cruise, I promise. Just thought I'd share some of my local travels since I've been home. I had sent out an email to the Party List, saying I'm up for visiting any local clubs they may have stumbled upon and I got, from a list of over 700 people, two suggestions. Two. Not so much night life in Los Angeles, apparently.

One of the suggestioned places was described by my Party List Guy as "They have country bands, Friday and Saturday no cover. It is a very fun place." It's been a tough week for me, kinda going through a post-vacation-real-life-sucks mood, so I was happy to visit a new fun place. I downloaded the directions from Yahoo maps and my scout and I set out for an adventure.

We get off the freeway, turn left, and we're in the mountains. It's dark, it's really dark, and we can barely see, much less read, a street sign. We pass a sign welcoming us to a forest, and we're thinking we're lost. Up and up the mountain road we go, way past civilization, trees and hills on either side of us when, finally, I spot the sign of the club on my right. We screech to a stop, not worrying about other cars since we hadn't seen one in quite a while, turn around and head back to the driveway, which we can't see from the road. But we finally see it, notice a total lack of cars in what seems to be a parking lot, and a very short and wide guy pacing around in a black shirt with "Security" on the back.

OK, we've put on make-up, done our hair, found the place, and we're going in. We hear music, a good sign, and open the door and see a bar, five people sitting on bar stools, and one bartender. We make our way over the the other side of the bar, passing the room with the band, and settle on a few seats near the pool tables. We order our drinks, noting that they don't take credit cards, and survey our surroundings. The band stops for a break and the musicians, tall, skinny, tattooed, and with long hair, pass us and go out a door a few feet away. Turns out the men's bathroom is outside in the patio with all the cactus. We're trying hard to be polite, but we can't help cracking up at this place. Not 5-star, for sure, but a down-home country bar with happy people and live music.

So the band starts another set and we decide to take our drinks to the chairs on the dance floor. There's a family in the other chairs, mom and dad and grown kids and their friends, all six of them having a good time, tapping their feet and clapping along with the music. And the music? Nice sounding country band for sure with a decidedly eclectic play list. Picture a Johnny Cash song, then "Come Together" by the Beatles, then a song about a guy picking up his girl and a bottle of wine and candles and them settling down on the couch and saying, "Don't touch my willie, I don't know you that well. Don't touch my willie, and we'll get along just fine." What? OK, then "Pretty Woman" and then "Achy-Breaky Heart" and then "Knights in White Satin" and then another country tune with the lyrics, "Beer, bait, and apples, and everything in-between." And then the band announces another break, saying "Don't forget, the more you drink, the better we sound."

Did I mention the decorations? A head of a deer on the wall above us, right across from a TV on the ceiling above the band, antlers and beer signs all over the walls, and unmatching chairs and tables everywhere. An ATM machine near the bar and a trash can next to it. And, I can't forget a small, colorful disco ball rotating on the floor in front of the band, right next to the "Tip" bucket, yes bucket.

But did we have fun? Yep. We enjoyed the music, every song. Even the couple on the dance floor, holding each other to a slow song, the guy kinda bent over at the waist toward the woman, with his butt about two feet from us, him leaning in every few seconds to kiss or bite the neck of his partner who was doing some sort of dance step while he swayed. I said to my friend "I feel like I'm intruding," and she started cracking up and I started cracking up and then she started snorting and I couldn't stop laughing and, thankfully, the dancing couple was oblivious to our bad behavior, enjoying themselves like we weren't there.

So definitely a dive, but we had a great time. Would I go there again? If I wanted to listen to some cool music without a crowd, yes. See, there's fun places to visit right here at home!

Come with me to Capri.

2009-09-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Travel is life-changing, seeing foreign lands, meeting new people, seeing different cultures. Our first stop was in Capri, Italy, this beautiful beachside town. Being in each port for only part of one day didn't allow us to see inland sights, but here's what we saw of what we could walk to on this lovely island on the south side of the Gulf of Naples in southern Italy. It has a long history you can read about at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capri,_Italy.

A sea of gorgeous men.

2009-09-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

I post this for all of you who are, or will be, asking "Did you meet any men on your cruise?" Yes, there they are, fun and funny and smart and great company, all on my cruise, at my dinner table, kidding me at the cruise bars, and joining me on shore excursions. And yes, that's me and Bev in the midst of them. I think I fell in love with each and every one.

George and Ken live in Florida. Ken does philanthropic work and his partner George is a non-dispensing pharmacist for a major drugstore who manages meds for AIDS patients. George is the expert cook and Ken makes sure he has the best cooking equipment and together they have a beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Emilio and Scott live together in Hollywood, Florida and own a B&B and multiple rental properties. They've traveled extensively and told stories about people they've met all over the world. Emilio is thoughtful and a good listener; Scott is more lighthearted and silly. Emilio's god-son Eric works for the cruise line and was on a working vacation on the cruise; Emilio and Scott clearly enjoyed his company and extended the end of their vacation to spend a few days in Rome with him. Stephen lives in Toluca Lake and his friend Bob lives in West Hollywood; they met while working at one of the major TV studios. Stephen is now in the travel business and Bob is retired, enjoying TV now as a watcher only. Randy is the organizer of the Seminar at Sea and invited Bev and the other travel agents to participate in this cruise. After law school and passing the bar, he chose the travel business because he loved it and it shows.

I can't remember having this much fun with this many men ever. They were charming and delightful and welcomed us into their circle with open arms. I promise to write all about the trip to Italy, Greece, Turkey, and Egypt in the coming days and put up pix, I do. As much as I enjoyed visiting these amazing sites, one of the best parts of the trip was meeting and enjoying the company of these terrific men. Now if I can only find a straight guy that's nearly as fine!

Surprises

2009-08-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

We live our lives, day by day doing the same things. We have our routines, getting up at a certain time each day, driving to the same office, shopping at the same stores, even ordering the same food at our usual restaurants. We live in a chaotic world, and we appreciate the order and comfort of life's daily routines. It's been said that change is the thing that our subconscious fights the most. Our routines protect us against the discomfort that change can bring.

So we follow our routines. We might miss out on a delicious meal at a restaurant because we're fearful to try it. We keep the same job, even when it's awful, because it's familiar and we like that. We stay in relationships that cause us grief for fear of the unknown. Change is scary.

What brings this up for me? Two things. One, I'm going away for two weeks, the longest vacation I have taken in decades and to places I've never been. It's a long time to be away from family and work and friends, so I admit I've been a bit nervous off and on, thinking about it. Of course I'll have fun and enjoy myself and the new people, but we often fear the unknown and that's what it probably is for me.

The second thing is something I noticed growing over the fence in my yard. It's that vegetable in the picture above, a pumpkin or a watermelon or what, I don't know. I would not have even noticed it if I had not looked at a portion of the fence I rarely see, this lovely surprise of new life. I watch it grow every day, still not knowing what it will become. I didn't plant it, it just grew over the fence, sending its tendrils outward to seek places to attach, providing a secure place for its fruit to grow.

This gift of surprising new life is like a nudge to me to remember to enjoy whatever surprises my trip will bring. To think of this as a great adventure, taking me to sights I've never seen, historical sites that have existed for hundreds and thousands of years, just sitting there waiting for me to enjoy. And that beauty and wonder are there for me to experience, both near and far, if I'll allow myself to see it.

I'm going to Greece.

2009-08-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

To those whose emails I haven't answered and phone calls I haven't returned, I am sorry. It's not a good excuse, but I'm kinda busy lately. I'm getting ready to take a two week vacation (I know that's unheard of for me) and my best and longest friend is sick and visiting, getting ready for a serious surgery. So that's my excuse. I'm distracted but I still love you.

I was invited to take what I call A Trip of a Lifetime, a 12-night Greece and Eastern Mediterranean Cruise. I'm going to visit places with names I've never heard. Corfu? Lindos? And apparently I will stand before the Sphinx. To say I'm thrilled is quite an understatement. Except for one trip to Paris and Venice with a boyfriend traveling on business, I've really never had any grand trips. Just not on my budget. Oh, there was that wonderful trip to Hawaii planned by my daughter, twenty-two years after I lived there before she was born. And I've enjoyed the trips to Laughlin and Cottonwood Cove when I was married and had a motorhome and a boat. And the road trips with girlfriends, all of us laughing in the car and getting lost, were lots of fun. But Greece and Eqypt and Corfu? Just amazing.

And my best friend, Auntie Sharon, is visiting from Georgia, where she fled years ago to start a new life. We have been friends and actually sister-in-laws for forty years, having married brothers the same year, having baby girls the same year, getting divorced the same year, and then living together for a few years. She's family and like a sister to me and sometimes I feel motherly to her and sometimes she likes to boss me around, but I have deep feelings that are hard to describe for this woman who is so part of my heart. She's here for surgery, which I hope goes well and she recovers quickly, but I worry. So, I'm taking her on a road trip this weekend, just up to Solvang and the Chumash Casino above Santa Barbara, so we can laugh and catch up and just have some time to breathe and relax and hopefully take our minds off what is to come.

And, of course, I'm trying at work to get all my September work done ahead of time, like taxes and payroll and billing and booking surgeries and collections keeping the staff and docs happy and on and on. I know it's silly to push so hard and I catch myself feeling like I'm running on a treadmill and then I just take a deep breath and calm down and feel better. Until I get panicky again. And there's shopping for the cruise and packing, getting my house ready for the housesitter, seeing my daughter and grandchildren and getting enough sleep. And where the heck is my passport?!?

So the point here? Thanks for being patient with me when I don't write or answer emails and phone calls. I promise to make time for you when I get back. Not just to be polite, but I miss you and your company. See you soon, I promise!

Men and Movies.

2009-07-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

I'm picky about movies. I don't like gratuitous violence, yet one of my favorite movies is Pulp Fiction and I saw Public Enemy recently and enjoyed it. I like movies with a heart, with characters I grow to love, and that teach me something about life. I like to avoid movies that make people look stupid, but I really enjoy the new Bromance style movies, like Hangover and I Love You Man, that show men's shortcomings yet make them seem human and loveable.

But I should have skipped The Ugly Truth, a movie so predictable that I could have told you the whole plot and the ending within the first few minutes. Listen, we're all human, we screw up and make mistakes and sometimes we embarass ourselves, but this movie made both men and women look bad. Really bad. Granted, there were some laughs, but mostly at the expense of the main characters and I found myself squirming in my seat as I watched them make fools of themselves and then, of course, fall in love. Actually, the guy started out being a real jerk and turned out to be a nice guy and the woman pretended to be sweet and nice and was really a "psycho controlling" b**tch.

So why write about it? I think about my last post where I wrote that it's important while dating to be real, to be honest, to be sincere. And then I think about how, in these movies, we seem to enjoy it the most when we see people at their worst. Is it that we feel bad about ourselves sometimes and laughing at another's goof-ups makes us feel superior? Is it that we are really mean and enjoy seeing people being harmed? Or is it that we are raised watching violent acts on TV and the movies and are so desensitized that we now laugh at another's pain? Geez, I see the billboards for a new children's movie that shows small rodents carrying machine guns and I am horrified.

So what makes me write about this, you say? I hear about my women friends' dating experiences and it just seems so frustrating, how we want to meet someone with good values and similar interests, yet we rule them out for superficial things, like being very overweight or having bad teeth. Yet, we're human and mating seems to harken back to the cavemen times when we women picked the men who we thought would be the best providers and protectors. And don't forget that the men apparently mated with a lot of women in those days, spreading their seed far and wide to keep the species intact. But we're past that, aren't we, and all of my women friends are self-supporting and don't need a man to support us. But still, it would be nice to have someone open the door and tell me I'm beautiful, no question about it.

So I really wrote this rambling post to say that, no, the Guy Panel won't happen this month because I was unable to find enough guys willing to participate. And the Wow meetings have been on hiatus for a few months, after my being sick for the beginning of the year and recently taking a vacation and planning another one and having my best friend visit soon. So who really needs a guy, after all, since we ladies have family and grandchildren and good friends? No, we don't need one, but it might just be really nice to have one around, anyway.

A Guy's Point of View - A Guest Post.

2009-07-21T20:38:00.001-07:00

Honest or not, here I come.....

....I'm considering that as my new tag line for online dating profiles. I want to talk about honesty and internet dating. Although I consider myself more honest than some people, I am still not perfect. So standing here waving the mighty banner of Honesty makes me squirm a little.

Honesty is the best policy, as Franklin originally said. So why is it so often replaced by some other policy? I think fear and shortsightedness combine to sabotage honesty. Your online dating profile is a blank slate, and you must supply all the "facts". It's inevitable that you'll consider the consequences of choosing one fact over another. Gee, am I five-eight or five-nine? I know which one sounds better (OK, that one hits a little too close to home.) With no one to stop you, and visions of your Prospective Mate selecting or discarding your profile, you choose the better-looking fact, and the first little chunk of honesty erodes.

The web sites sometimes are complicit in this, too. PlentyOfFish.com has many checklists where you must choose a value. For drinking and drug use, your choices are "Often", "Socially", or "No". So if you have one glass of wine with dinner every day, you're an "Often" drinker. Someone who gets blitzed twice a week drinks "Socially". There's a certain lack of precision in all this. In my case, I smoked marijuana once in 2005, in Amsterdam (I was led to believe that it was a cultural requirement), and twice in 2008. "No" is certainly not the honest answer to "drug use" for me. But "Socially" makes it look like I get high and listen to Hendrix every Friday night. Many other users on that web site see it in those terms, and one of the most frequent messages I got was basically "Nice profile, but what's with that drug use?" I would trade a couple of messages explaining my extreme lightweightness, and the explanation would be accepted. Sort of. (It's harder to detect a fisheyed expression in cyberspace.)

So guess what? My profile now says "No" for drug use. I will still be explaining my oh-so-infrequent tokes to my Potential Mate, but I'll be doing it face-to-face now, not in some ham-handed way with email. I'm not afraid of my actual record; I just want a chance to present it fairly.

But that's a slippery slope. Do I fudge the height thing, trusting that when I show up I'll be so charming that my blatant error of fact will be excused? What about age? Weight? Misleading photos? These things are so common in internet dating that they are practically clichés, and these lies all fly to pieces at the first meeting or soon thereafter. Why would people risk such severe consequences? The new relationship, even if it survives that shock, now has to deal with distrust right from the start.

I don't know why, but I'm guessing that fear drives these poor decisions. You envision the Potential Mate scanning profiles, trying to choose one to respond to, and weighing the "facts" in each one. You're very afraid that you might not make the cut, and better "facts" mean that you have a better chance to make the cut. The shortsightedness lets you see the Potential Mate going through this process, but doesn't let you see the Potential Mate freaking out when they find out they've been lied to.

While most people are afraid of missing the cut, I think I'm more afraid of letting someone down. I struggled with the best way to present my marijuana experimentation, and came up with an approach that I can live with, while knowing that it's not purely honest. In other respects, my profile is pretty darned accurate. Bottom line: I don't want to waste my time or the time of women who are attracted to my profile, but not to the real me. I'm in it for the long haul, and I don't want the tension of some discovered or undiscovered lie hanging over what is an increasingly good relationship. I want to be at peace with myself and with my sweetheart.

Oh, and that height thing? I have an inversion table at home, and after a few minutes of hanging I can get to five-foot-nine and a half! However, it's very difficult to drag that thing around to restaurants for first meetings.

Men as Pizza.

2009-07-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

An author recently asked me to read and review her book. "Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza," or "How to write an eye-catching profile, search for, and meet the right person online" is by Cherie Burbach, who wrote inside, "Ellen, Happy Dating! And remember, never settle. You're too important for that." Nice.

It's a no-nonsense, easy reading book about how to use internet dating sites, with such topics as how to write your profile, what pictures to post, what to do with the responses, how to handle the first meeting, and how to be safe. It all seems so simple and so obvious, but I'm sure it's good advice. And worth reading.

I have my own set of gripes about online dating. The endless back and forth emails, like the guy is just looking for a pen-pal. The married guys posing as single. The guys from Utah or New Jersey saying that they're interested in me. The pre-written "winks" instead of writing a note about what you liked about my profile. Giving a guy my phone number and never hearing anything else from him. The guys giving me advice and criticism about how I've written my profile essay. The coffee dates where the guy doesn't even buy us the coffee. Ah, is it worth it?

We all have this inherent need or drive to connect, to love and be loved, to meet someone who genuinely appreciates who we are, to experience the joy at knowing we make someone's life a little better by just being ourselves. So here's my dating advice. Listen more, and talk less. Do things that are fun together. Have a mindset that dating is about getting-to-know each other, so really pay attention to what is said. Stop thinking about what might happen someday and enjoy what is happening now. Be real, be really who you are and not what you think he or she might want you to be. Be honest but not hurtful. And strive to treat others as we ourselves would want to be treated.

Geez, that sounds like a good philosophy about life. Be real, be honest, be kind.
Have fun. Nice.

Men as Dessert.

2009-07-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

In my thirties, there were lots of places for single people to meet. I remember on Fridays, after work, a bunch of us single girls would meet at a local hotel for happy hour, you know those cheap drinks and even cheaper appetizers and lots of people who are very happy that the work week is over. There were so many options then, that we’d have to think about which place to visit each week. On Saturday nights, there were clubs and dances and, again, we could pick and choose between lots and lots of options.

Now, we’re older and wiser and still looking for guys to date and, alas, the options are very different. I remember having a great desire to have a man in my life in those days, but lately it isn’t such a strong drive. As grounded and relaxed as I am at this time of my life, it seems unnecessary to have a partner and lover, yet it’s like that book, “Men are Just Desserts” that I read a long time ago – the meal is enough but dessert makes it even more delicious, like a special treat that brings a smile to our faces and adds an extra moment of joy to the meal. But now I’d want every bite of that dessert to be amazing, and I’m not willing to settle for one that is just so-so.

So where do I meet someone so yummy? I can’t find any happy hours where people my age congregate, and there are only two clubs I know in my area for us older-and-wiser folks. One has a good band, but not much of a crowd. The other has a terrible band, lots of people, but not much in the way of mixing and mingling.

What about singles parties, you ask? I did host those ten parties that were well received and lots of lots of fun, but the space I used is closed and I’ve been unable to find another. There’s my friend Rookie, the creator of Super Single Mixers, who is hosting a party in a few weeks that sounds great (see www.supersinglemixers.com), but she only does a few a year. And, of course, there’s internet dating, but that’s for another post.

So, in the interest of helping some of my Wowettes find Mr. Dessert, we went out last night to an advertised party at a club in the Marina, a lovely location that I visit all too seldom. I had been to two of these parties in the past, both times saying when I left that I would never go back. Expensive, a small crowd, and no one that interested me. But, in the spirit of friendship, I agreed to accompany one of my Wowettes. We thought we’d get dressed up, make the drive, and then check out the party before we paid our hard-earned bucks. We drove the packed LA freeways to the Marina, found the restaurant, amazingly found a parking spot, and scoured the restaurant for the party. I had thought we’d hear the loud music from afar, but it was quiet everywhere. Finally, we walked up the back stairs, past the group of guys checking us out, and found the sign-in desk. Still, no music, no crowd, no nothing. We lied (yes, we lied) and said that we were going to wait for a friend to arrive, and I made my way toward the entrance to the party to check it out before we decided to cough up the $25. The closer I got to the door, the closer a big bruiser of a guy got to me, like maybe he would tackle me if I tried to get in without paying?!? I assured him my intentions were honorable, that he had nothing to fear, and I leaned in to the room. What did I see? Now remember, we had arrived one hour after the supposed start of the party. There was a bandstand and no band. There was a dark room with little 4-seat low tables and chairs, each far from another, and a few women sitting here and there. There were supposed to be appetizers included in the price, but the burly guy was getting too close to me, so I abandoned the search.

No music, a dreary room with no way to mingle, and costly. No party for us. Thought we’d go to a movie instead, so we grabbed a copy of the LA weekly and sat outside in that lovely marina air and started to read it. Couldn’t find a movie we wanted to see so we kept reading the paper together and came upon the ads. We read the calendar for the Hollywood Bowl and checked out the clubs for the cool and hip and young and start cracking up when we came to the ads. After pages and pages of pics of almost naked women with obviously surgically enhanced (huge) breasts advertising phone lines for singles, we spot a big ad titled “Two Women Massage” and say, “Well, we’re two women, is that for us?” and couldn't stop laughing. Then, we get to the pages with pics of gorgeous bare-chested guys and see the ad for “Nasty Girls 99c” and the phone # of 1-800-xxx-HEAD and then we just about fall off our chairs, choking with laughter.

We finally got it together, had a delicious meal on a patio overlooking the boats, and then headed home. No party, no dessert, no cool new guys. But another fun and silly and memorable evening with the girls. If I find a guy that’s half as much fun as that, I’m gonna keep him.

LIfe, moments, and nudges.

2009-06-28T20:57:00.001-07:00

I got an email this week that I can't shake. One of my Wowettes, a lovely woman who I admire for her ability to be her own quirky self, met a guy at a recent event who I thought was a good match for her. They were talking and laughing and looked like they were having a lot of fun. So she wrote that she had an upcoming date with him and didn't know if she wanted to go because she "didn't know if she was ready for a relationship," and her comment still resonates with me.

How about living in the moment, I thought. I wrote back and said something like, how about just going out and enjoying an evening or day together? How about being so in the moment that you don't think about what might happen next week or next month? We label things and then our labels create expectations about what we want to expect, rather than allowing our time together to create its own unique picture. She wrote back recently, saying "thanks for the nudge," and I'm hoping that means that she went out and had fun with him, just like I'd hoped.

This subject came up in my daughter's family recently. The children had just finished kindergarten and were on their way to their surprise vacation to Big Bear when they were talking and talking and talking about events and people from school. My daughter told them that school was over and they weren't going to talk about it any more so they could enjoy what the summer brings. Just like a guy friend who called me recently to tell me about a recent vacation in Hawaii, saying that he'd been so worried about where he'd left his car and if he'd still have his job on Monday and that his dog was acting strange before he left and would his girlfriend stay with him if he were unemployed that he hardly remembered anything about his trip. He was on a dream vacation - he was there but he wasn't there. It isn't really living, experiencing life, if we are always in our heads and not fully present to enjoy what life brings now.

So how about we just go out, have fun, get to know this new person in our lives, and just let it happen? Stop wondering, worrying, questioning, debating. Stop expecting anything. Just enjoy each other. And maybe be pleasantly surprised. Could it be that easy?

Vacations, friends, and wealth.

2009-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

I had a nice weekend. I spent Friday evening happy hour with one of my favorite women friends at a new upscale burger place with live music. Doesn't that sound like a nice way to end a week? We ate, we listened, we laughed. And then we went to another watering hole and happened upon a really, really good band of guys our age playing music from the 60s, the really cool songs. They did a rendition of In a Gadda Da Vida that made me feel like a hippy again. That's a good thing.

Then, Saturday night I had what I call a non-date. I met a guy friend for movie and dinner. Yes, I was out on a Saturday night with a male person. I like the non-date thing. No pressure, no need to try to impress, just be ourselves and enjoy. Kinda like Friday night with a woman friend, just have fun and be real. Maybe we should stop having goals in dating, I realized. He asked me what I'm looking for and what are my goals and I realized that I don't have any, that I am doing my best to live in the moment and let life happen without trying to mold it to my expectations. This doesn't mean that I have to give up my boundaries, those things that people might reveal about themselves that makes me know I can't be their friend. It just means that, if I stop trying to find things in my friends or prospective mate, I might just see them more realistically and be pleasantly surprised. And so far, my non-date guy is fun and well-mannered and silly and doesn't seem to be crazy. Not bad for my first non-date!

And we saw a great movie! Listen, I avoid movies that cater to thirteen-year-old boys, movies that are made by people who think we're stupid. So we go to the movie "Hangover" and I'm slightly worried that it will be stupid and it was fabulous!!! Just like a few movies lately dubbed "bromances," this showed men being silly and crude and nasty, but seriously loveable. I laughed for 90 minutes. Just when I thought I could catch my breath, I would burst out in guffaws, those belly laughs that make your stomach ache. You have to see this movie! A goofy guy movie with a big heart. Go! Geez, just looking at the poster above makes me laugh again.

My daughter and her family had a perfect weekend away. My almost six-year-old twin grandchildren finished kindergarten on Wednesday and woke up Thursday to their mommy and daddy saying, "Pack your bags, we're going to Big Bear!" My grandson called me when they got home to tell me about it, this little boy who is usually much too busy building things to talk on the phone. They hiked to the tallest waterfall in Southern California, panned for gold, and went on a canoe ride. A happy family, well behaved children, and parents who love each other and are on the same page raising the kids. More joy in my life, just hearing about their fun times. (That's them being silly below.)

So all is well. The sun shined today. I have food in my refrigerator. I have a roof over my head. I have a job to go to tomorrow. I have friends I adore. My kids are happy. Life is rich.der="0" alt

Music, friends, and mangos.

2009-06-15T00:31:00.001-07:00

From Woodstock to Woodland Hills, here's Sha Na Na!

I love people. Sometimes, I think I don't, but that's when I'm tired and my shoulder hurts and I've been bombarded at work by anxious patients and cranky staff and demanding doctors, but I'm human and I get over it. Tonight was one of those times when I was glad to be alive and surrrounded by people. Cool people. Quirky people. New people. Old friends. Fun.

I had invited my Party List to join together to hear Sha Na Na at a free concert in the park in Woodland Hills. I was concerned that hardly any one would come, considering the finals of the Lakers game, but I decided that, no matter what, I would just enjoy the music and whatever else came along. What a surprise!

From one of the guys who has been at all my events, a gentle but fun guy who took photos and kept me company, to the lovely Persian women who drove over the hill, to the new guy who informed me he was looking for a clone of himself in female form, to the Wowette who connnected with him and laughed and smiled for hours, to the newly widowed woman who remembered me from high school, and on and on, I had a ball. Imagine all these people, most meeting for the first time, talking and laughing and dancing under the warm sun? Lovely.

And I must not forget the new guy, who we shall call The Mango Guy. There he was, quiet but smiling, holding a mango and moving it from one hand to another and then admitting, "well, we find love wherever we can." I couldn't tell if he was nuts or funny or kidding or all, but he was a dear. And he carried some of our stuff to the car, telling us a story by reciting a poem by a well known American poet. I can't make this stuff up, I just can't. And then there's my cohort in fun, my Wowette friend, who cracks me up with almost anything she says, and then she laughs and snorts and neither of us can control ourselves and, geez, can you put a price on being with such wonderful people?

So, on those days when I'm overwhelmed and hassled and need to be alone, I will remember that, whenever I want, I can be in the presence of such quirky people who lift my spirits and make me forget my troubles. Lucky me.

That's Bill, Me, The Mango Guy, and Bev.

Wealth, friends, and giggles.

2009-05-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

Once more, my daughter is right. It truly is the "small things" in life that make us rich and happy. She writes about it at www.itsallaboutthesmallstuff.blogspot.com.
Don't get me wrong, having financial security and health are important, and those are pretty big things. But lately, it really is the small things that are priceless to me.

Like teaching my grandchildren this weekend to play Rummicube and seeing their smiles and hearing their giggles. Priceless. A few people lately asked me how it feels to have grandchildren, and I told them that there isn't a word in our language to describe the joy of being with them. It's truly beyond words. And also this weekend, I was invited by one of my employees to a party for family and friends to celebrate her college graduation and I went, alone. And had just the best time. Her family embraced me, her friends were good company, and most of all I was honored and touched that she would include me. I went by myself and enjoyed every minute, the food and the company and the joy of being included in celebrating such a significant event in a co-worker's life. Is there a proper word to describe this feeling too?

And dinner with women friends? Again priceless. Since I created Wow, over 3 1/2 years ago, I've enjoyed the company of some of the most amazing women. They are down-to-earth, genuine, smart, and good company. Again, it's a joy to watch the ladies at a meeting, how they interact and share and listen and laugh, filling my house with their lively and happy spirits. One of the ladies planned a rather impromptu dinner last night with a few of us, and I was delighted to attend. Lucky for us the restaurant was noisy and the server was a guy with a mom just like us, he said, because we laughed so long and so hard, over and over, that I was surprised my food stayed down. Two of these women have invited me on vacations this summer, one to a quiet and peaceful week at her beautiful home on the beach, and another on a cruise to foreign lands that I never ever thought I'd see. Again, I don't think the language has the words to describe the joy I feel, realizing that I have friends who bring me such joy and happiness.

Maybe I'm just getting sappy at my age or maybe I've just finally broken down the walls I created as a child to protect me from harm, but I often find myself with tears of joy. I spent the years raising my beautiful daughter, being a single mom, working and almost never taking a vacation. Lucky for me, her friends often invited her on their family trips so she enjoyed many happy vacations, but I went many years without. And now, I'm invited on dream trips with women who are fun and upbeat and who I really do love dearly.

We women talked over dinner last night about the fun we have in life, even though we are man-less and I realized that love is love. Love for grandchildren, love for friends. And self-love. And I realized that I have conquered a lot of personal demons, finally allowing people to get close to me and finally reaching out to create a network of friends and family who I adore. And who sure seem to also love me. Life is rich. Beyond words.

Beauty, self-love, and women.

2009-05-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have a theory that a lot of grown men have anger issues. I've had personal experience with passive-aggressive men, you know those guys who promise things and then don't do them and it feels like they're really just saying "f**k you"? Freud wrote about how we, as children, have to separate from our parents by rejecting them, thus the difficult teen-age years. This is tough for little girls who then have to actually kind of reject themselves to accomplish this. For guys, they reject their mom but then she's the 1st woman they ever fell in love with, so do they spend the rest of their lives with anger over this conflict? Or did they just have moms who ignored or belittled them?

I was reminded of this today with an email from a guy I don't know, but who is on my list of guys to invite to my free singles parties. I'm arranging a party in the park on an upcoming Sunday, a free party with a well-known band and ladies bringing desserts to share with the guys. What ever could anyone find wrong or upsetting about that? Well, there is one guy with the words "dirty boy" in his email address who responded to my invitation with this: Delete me from your spam list. I don't care about Sha Na Na, I don't care about your parties, I don't care about your blog, and I REALLY don't care about you. If I get one more email from you I will come to your next party and spill red wine all over you. Geez, if he isn't angry, I don't know who is!

So I was thinking, is this also a female phenomena, having such anger issues? I don't have any women friends who are angry, but I think I know what we ladies do instead. I became aware this week, one of those light-bulb moments, that I spend lots of time each day in self-criticism. Some of it is obvious, like when I see someone who I think is thinner or smarter or better dressed or more confident and I get that immediate feeling in my gut that makes me feel small and not-as-good as her. And then I realized that it's possible that I do this on a subconscious level, like when my boss suggests I may have done something wrong and I feel kinda stupid when I'm not.

I had dinner with one women friend this week who talked about her lack of confidence in social settings, especially around women she perceives as strong,how she feels less-than in their company. So one of those same friends told her this week how much she is admired, that she provides such a balance in their group of women and how she always seems so centered and confident that it calms them all. Another friend is still having trouble letting go from a recent break-up, continuing to second guess her decision or what she should have said or is the guy thinking she's crazy? My opinion is that she did amazingly well, dropping the guy almost immediately after she realized that he seemed to be a bomb waiting to go off and that he was barely controlling his animosity toward women. To me, she didn't fail in any way, but showed her strength and courage to let go of a guy who everyone else liked. She worries that she wasted time, but I think there was a lesson she needed to learn from him and now she is better for it. See, women criticize themselves when the reality is that they are are succeeding big-time.

So, let's vow to recognize our self-criticism. Let's vow to replace those thoughts with kind affirmations about ourselves. Let's tell ourselves that we how we are good to our friends and our family, how well we manage to provide for ourselves, how we do our best at our jobs, how we are kind and generous, how much our friends love us, and on and on. And - that we are beautiful and perfect in this very moment. Because we are.

Overnights, crocs, and wrong numbers.

2009-05-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

As you know, I am single and haven't dated for almost one year. I'm feeling fine about it, and don't have any great, or even small, desire to seek out some great guy to date. It's a comfortable place to be, and comfortable is good.

But I do have friends who are dating, so I do get to hear about singles-over-fifty-dating-adventures and, the more I hear, the more I'm glad I'm not dating. One of my friends, we'll call her Missy, was unceremoniously dumped by a boyfriend of five years, just before last Christmas. She was pretty shaken, but recovered quickly, saying that it was just the end to one chapter of her life's book. Pretty cool friends I have, don't I!

So Missy has placed a few personal ads on a few dating sites and has been meeting lots and lots (and lots!) of guys, since then. She convinced it's a numbers game, that we have to meet lots of guys to find one we'd like to keep, and meanwhile she's enjoying the process. Last weekend, she had three 1st-meet-dates with three different guys. Mr. Friday night was nice, but a bit too much older than Missy, yet he admitted that "all his parts work" and she enjoyed his company, so she saw him again when he invited her over for dinner and to see some of his hobbies. And made her a dinner that included ...tater tots! And then tonight he called to invite her over again, this time for overnight, to which she said that she'd like to get to know him before doing that, which to her means going spending time together going out, you know....dating?!? To which he responded that sleeping together was the best way to get to know each other. To which she said, no thank you and don't call again.

Mr. Saturday night was good company, not her type, she says, but she wouldn't mind seeing him again. Until yesterday when he called her, she recognized his number, said hello, and he said "sorry, wrong number" and hung up. They had previously agreed that she would call him a few nights later, which she did, but he was curt and non-communicative on the phone, quickly saying, "thanks for calling" and hanging up. What? So tonight he called her on her cell phone at work, said that he was calling to confirm tomorrow's date, and she responded with "excuse me?" to which he replied, "I'm the guy you talked to last night for 1 1/2 hours." Oops. Gotta keep your women straight, guys!

But my favorite from her weekend is Mr. Sunday, the guy who planned to meet her at a local park and bring a picnic dinner. He arrived wearing orange crocs, you know those strange rubber shoes that one should really only wear while gardening, pink flamingo socks, jeans, brightly multicolored shirt, ponytail with the sides of his hair sticking straight out. And really, really huge thick red sunglasses. I'm not making this up. And the picnic? Fresh warm bread. That's good. Argentinian wine. Tasty. But the rest? Olive spread, weird cheese, and artichoke hearts. And oranges for dessert. And Missy doesn't like olives.

So, see, I don't have to date! I can just live through my friend Missy and enjoy the antics of the strange and weird men who inhabit our over-50 dating world. Unless some really nice, really normal, really fun, and really cute guy comes along unexpectedly. Until then, being comfortable without a man is the plan.

Mothers, daughters, and love.

2009-05-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day! I hope you and your families have had a most wonderful day, celebrating motherhood. I had a wonderful Mothers Day!

Holidays like this always bring up old feelings in me. My own mother had a tough life, being raised like Cinderella, having to take care of the house and four brothers, suffering abuse and lack of love. Her life with my dad was a struggle, with my dad being difficult and not much money to go around, but she maintained a joyful spirit, always finding something to be happy about. She had her children in the 50s and was the kind of mom who worked hard, doing the all the housework and shopping and ironing and tending to her husband and children, always holding down a full time job at the same time. Maybe because of her difficult childhood, she didn't know how to be a good mom, and I have no memories of being loved or held or told that I was special, but we made up at her final illness. When she died, I knew she loved me, and all of my past heartaches were replaced with a sense of peace.

I have a daughter of my own, and I raised her not knowing anything about how to do it and being divorced when she was three years old. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but she turned out to be a warm, caring, intelligent mom who is devoted to her family and it shows in her happy husband and lovely children. She took me to a brunch yesterday, a fund raiser put on by the Moms Club (mothers of multiples) and we had a really good time. The location was beautiful, the food delicious, and the activities were fun. But, most of all, I was able to watch her in the midst of friends and acquaintances, see her be confident and strong, enjoy how she participated in the conversations about how to pick a child's school, and see how others greeted her with pleasure.

I've always said that having a child and watching as they turn into a self-sufficient adult who makes healthy decisions is one of life's greatest joys. Seeing my daughter as an adult is having watched a miracle unfold,as she grew from the child of a clueless single mom into a really magnificant and beautiful adult. She writes a blog about finding joy in the little things (www.itsallaboutthesmall stuff.blogspot.com) in which she shares her philosophy about how important it is to pay attention to the little things in life, like a child's smile or the pleasure of making cookies together. I'm not sure what is the point of this post, except to say that I'm incredibly blessed to have her in my life, this beautiful child of mine who overcame her own difficult childhood to grow into a spirited and loving adult. That's her in the picture with me above. Isn't she something?

Dizziness, labyrinthitis, and personal ads.

2009-05-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

Once again, I’ve been home from work with a new illness. This one is labyrinthitis. So I wake up in the morning, look at the clock and decide I can sleep another 45 minutes but I’d better feed the pooch so he lets me sleep and I get up, walk to the door, and crash into a wall. When I got my bearing, I tried to walk through the doorway and found I couldn’t walk straight and the room was seriously spinning. Holding on to the walls and the furniture, I made my way to the kitchen, fed the dog, and staggered back into bed. Later, I managed to crawl to the couch where I stayed most of the day, since sitting caused the room to spin and standing up caused me to fall over. Labyrinthitis. An inner ear thing, I was told, and I spent several days watching bad TV on the couch. Obviously, I couldn’t go to the doctor, so I called and she told me what she thought it was and said that it would go away in a few days, and she was right.

Meanwhile, when I was finally able to sit up for a minute or two, I decided to place a personal ad so I would at least have some email to read during my recovery (and boredom). Since my previous ads have brought little in the way of quality men, I wondered what it is that I should really say that would entice good guys in an ad, so I titled it “What does a man want to hear?” and listed my attributes and what I wanted from a man as questions, asking if those were things that would interest men. Thought you’d enjoy some of the responses……

From a man who doesn’t know what men want:
I’m not really sure what a man wants to hear but I’d be interested in hearing more about the man you’re seeking …

From a man of few words:
A man wants to hear 'yes' ..

From a whiny guy:
A man does NOT want to hear whiny.... "I want..I want... I want"... "I want my prince charming just like in the movies, we will waaaalk on the beach into the sunset"... Do you think guys want to hear that kind of drivel? Why do women think that guys just want to hear their lists of "I wants"? Try to captivate, not to antagonize.

From a guy who clearly didn’t read the ad:
you got my attention - I'm in pasadena - 52 and single .. yippie!

Just listen and feed them pizza?:
All we care about is that you have cold sodas and good pizza on the weekends when we want to see a fotball game! And if you behave good we might just spend some time with you . OH ! and we love a lady that listens .Good luck -and you will find a good man soon ! just be positive and you are beautifull like all the others ,feel it and believe it ,we sence what you want us to sence from you gals. !

Yuck, who’d want to meet this guy?:
Every woman says she's looking for someone to make her laugh... is that real? How about being responsible for your own happiness and then sharing that with a man who does the same for himself. Then you both are contributing. I don't know anyone who claims not to love to travel. Being 50 is no guarantee that a person has grown or become wiser for the years. I'd have to say, based upon the dependent conditions/wants you stated, that you are not wiser for your years. I wish you were, I'd love to meet a woman near my age who gets it that men are not responsible for her happiness. It's a partnership right down the middle, and if you don't want that, does that mean you will give up your half of the "say so" in the relationship? I doubt it, so lets be real shall we.
You want to know what real men want to hear... well now you have it.

What?!?!?
INTERESTING !ARE YOU A CHILL FOR A SITEPLEASE EONT REPLY I NOT--- I LIKE TO TALK TO YOU

Is it me, or does this guy not make sense?
that there was strong empirical evidence that females from 14-28 aren't looking for "fun" (aka casual) relationships and when they get into their latter years, only then start looking for serious guys to marry, bear children, and financially provide for someone who lived their life so selfishly and narrow-minded. and then continue to breed and feed the younger female generation to emulate those predecessors. how about one that is career oriented and when guys think successful, they think ceo. when girls think successful, non-mom, non-homemaker, probably non-wife to many guys, non-golddigger, non-life leech, and as non-full-of-shit as they can be.
or as close as to that deviation where a latter generation of males, do not perpetuate nor instill this type of jaded-perspective that i have come to think and seek out of despair.

And from a guy who keeps it simple:
All a man wants to hear is that his woman is loyal,
respects him, and that she sincerely loves him.
That would be plenty!

So, yes, I’m better. I can walk a straight line and the room is holding still. I hear that this might occur again if I move my head a certain way, but I think really that I’ve had just about enough ailments this year and will be healthy from now on. It appears, however, that I will continue not to date, considering the kind of guys I seem to attract, but I’ve got my kids and grandkids and good friends and interesting books and now, my health, so all’s well!

Puzzles, airconditioning, and repairmen.

2009-04-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

That's a picture of my amazing twin grandchildren putting together a puzzle yesterday with the not-so-helpful assistance of my tabby Simone. The kitty was a "gift" to me years ago when a friend of a friend moved away and couldn't take her, and she's been the sweetest cat ever. A little six-pound furry thing is such a pleasure in my life.

It's been a quiet weekend in Chatsworth, nothing earth-shaking to write about, but a few interesting thoughts to share. It was my daughter's birthday on Friday, and that day always brings to mind the story of her birth, the first natural childbirth by Lamaze at a local hospital. I love to tell her the story and she always acts like she hates to hear it, but I think she must appreciate it anyway, how I always end it by saying how beautiful she was, and still is. It's one of life's greatest treasures to raise a child and see her or him turn into a healthy, well functioning adult who makes good decisions and is happy. I admit to not having been the best parent for her, so I'm constantly amazed at how strong she is, how she has raised such well-balanced and happy children, how she picked such a wonderful man to marry, how she has made such really great friends, and how she chooses to stay close to me. Amazing.

And yesterday I talked to one of my best friends who just went through a break-up. I was reminded that everyone has faults and quirks and things about them we wouldn't like, but the trick is to find someone whose faults are tolerable. She was with a guy who seemed like he was made for her, but in reality he had anger and control issues that she disliked and couldn't tolerate. I applaud her for making the choice to break up within a few months of meeting him, rather than making excuses and growing to resent him or putting up with something that makes her feel bad. Then I was lucky enough to have lunch with another very busy friend and realized that, although we can tolerate certain things in a mate, sometimes those things taken to the extreme can stretch our patience. She's been married to a guy with his own special quirks for a while and talked about how, if she were single now, her list of what to look for in a mate would include such things as if he is in debt, if people owe him money, if a business of his ever failed, etc, etc. I think about how much time I spent researching the purchase of a car and how little time we spend researching a potential mate and I wonder if there is a way to have our dates answer all the important questions before we get involved, but I know that wouldn't work. Too un-romantic, I suppose.

And I got my airconditioning fixed! It was super hot for a few days this week, like breaking 95-year-old weather records, and I realized that my AC didn't work. So I called my favorite appliance repair guys (AM PM Appliance Repair - 818-718-0702) and figured it would be likely $1000, but to my great surprise, it was fixed in thirty minutes for $250! I love those guys, a Russian immigrant family who I always think could be cousins of my dad, they look so much like my relatives. They're honest and prompt and courteous and always do a good job. Another of life's little treasures, knowing quality repairmen.

So, not much exciting in my life, but I'm relaxed and content and feeling well. My daughter and her family are healthy and happy. My women friends are doing fine. The weather is beautiful. I have a roof over my head, a job, and a few dollars in the bank. Life is grand.

Illness, nurturing, and Tarnie.

2009-04-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm back! And yes, I've been sick. I'm feeling like my old self again, after months of feeling pretty bad, and my advice to me and everyone is to get medical care when the first strange symptoms arise. Just took me a lot longer to get well because I waited a few days to see the doctor. So thanks to those of you who wrote and emailed and called to find out what's up and offer your help, I really appreciate your kindness.

And now that I'm well, I want to tell you about another Wow meeting, held in the midst of my illness and no, I didn't want to cancel because I wanted to meet the speaker Tarnie Fulloon (www.bodyfreedom.com). As has happened over and over with these monthly meetings, the info the speaker presents seems to be exactly what I personally need in my life, right then and there. Tarnie talked about elements of feminine energy, which means our ability to nurture, give, be nonjudgemental, and be the care givers to those we love. In our usual everyday lives, we use male energy to be strong career women, meaning that we have to be in our heads, be driven, push and strive and be aggressive. And most of us, having achieved this power and independence, have found that something is missing, unless we spend the time to access again our feminine energy and, most of all, use it to take care of ourselves so that we can replace the energy we give away, that we can learn again to receive, to connect, that we can feel again. We need to nurture ourselves, just as we usually nurture others, and we need to find ways to do it daily, before it affects our health and our bodies.

So, for the first time ever, I actually took one week off of work to allow myself to heal. And I did it without guilt, which is the major victory, thanks to Tarnie. It was especially interesting how she helped us re-access our feminine energy by using movements, by swaying and moving to music, focusing on certain parts of our bodies where we felt tension or pain. Rather than just hearing the message, Tarnie helped us to integrate the message into our bodies and our psyche, to have the message become part of who we are internally, and it sure worked for me. I have never chosen to stay home when sick, to purposely decide to tend to my own needs, and probably this is why I have recovered from what could have been a catastrophic illness. My hugs and love to Tarnie - check out her website for more specific details on her philosophy and her classes. She's a delight, just a treasure, and has so much to offer and give. (www.bodyfreedom.com)

So, again, thanks to all who inquired about my absence. You are all in my thoughts and my heart. Please take care of yourselves, nurture yourselves, take time each day to be quiet and still, eat well, and think positive nurturing thoughts. I'll see you soon! xo

Personality, teeth, and men.

2009-03-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling alive again!!! I'm almost well!!! Yeah!!! It's been over two weeks and now I'm still coughing and sneezing and sniffling, but I feel pretty good! Yeah!

I admit to watching way too much TV while I've been sick. I love the Millionaire Matchmaker, the show where the CEO of a matchmaking company tells the guys what they don't want to hear. These supposedly really rich guys pay her lots of money to find them "true love" and seem not to have a clue about themselves or women. The millionaire guys list their desired qualities in a mate such things as being a good mother, being strong and independent, and having financial success, but then they pick a woman based only on eye appeal, the one in the slinky dress with all her physical attributes right up front. And then there is a millionairess who lists as her desired qualities in a man as what he wears, what he drives, where he travels, etc. Even Dr. Phil had a show today with a woman who says that the guy must wear certain labels and drive at least a Maserati or a Bentley. Do they consider a mate's character, love of family, desire for spiritual growth, or willingness to be respectful and loving? No.

I admit I'm still not dating. I am, however, enjoying hearing about one girlfriend's adventures in dating land. Sometimes, she has three or four dates in one weekend, meeting guys who found her through dating sites, and usually will report in after the meeting that she liked the guy, but he wasn't for her. Sometimes, the guy is fabulous in email or on the phone and lacking in personality in person. Across the board, they list their height as 5'9" and have all been shorter than her 5'4". But my favorite is the day she had been on two happily anticipated coffee dates and left a message afterwards on my phone that said, "I've met the two guys and all I can say is that - teeth are important." I'm still laughing at that one.

So what's really important in a mate, I ask myself. I'd like a guy with good character and who is a bit of a character. Kinda out-of-the-box, a guy who thinks for himself and doesn't follow the crowd. Liberal politically. Makes me laugh. Likes to make a woman feel special. Healthy, financially and emotionally. Likes animals and children. Has passion about life. And yes, has teeth.

Sniffles, music, and girlfriends.

2009-03-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

For all of you who've been wondering where I've been, I'm here, but I've been down with a nasty, icky virus that makes me cough and sneeze and not be able to talk. I did go to the doctor after four days, hoping for some magic pills, but alas all I got was a message that it would take two to three weeks to go away. And now it's two weeks and I can see some improvement, so apparently the doctor was right.

So I've been working, of course, and then coming home to crash. Ten days in a row without going out, except to work. Yow. This past weekend, I did go to UCLA to see Dan Zanes in concert with my daughter and the grandkids and that was really wonderful. How to describe Dan Zanes? A guy raised in the 60s with an obvious desire to bring people together through music, his concert moved both children and their parents to sing and dance and have a great time. (That's a pic of the happy grandchildren before the concert.) And then the kids stayed over that night, and they were delightful. As usual. Lucky me.

I did have dinner Friday night and last night with two different girlfriends. Friday night, I met a new friend, a woman who works in another doctor's office. We've talked for years on the phone about work issues and lately been sharing some personal things, enough to realize that we have a lot in common and might enjoy being friends. And sure enough, she was a delight and enough like me in so many ways that it was both strange and wonderful. She's a spunky woman, lived her life her own way, from leaving home as a teenager, travelling to work in Japan, and staying with the same man for thirty-eight years. She's a Buddhist and a spiritual healer who teaches yoga to teens in jail, obviously a strong woman but still having some of the same feelings as I do, like feeling overwhelmed at work. It's always touching and comforting to meet others who share similar angst, like just knowing each other makes us more able to cope with our daily struggles. And sometimes she calls me at work just to tell me she's thinking of me or to sing a few bars of a silly song. I feel stronger and more alive just with one evening with her and look forward to getting to know her better. Again, lucky me.

And last night, I was invited out to eat with my friend Kathy, her new boyfriend, and her mom. Kathy is a woman who is hugely kind and generous, who takes care of her aging mom, runs her own business, and has the most beautiful home in Baja. She's been wanting to meet a great guy for a long time, with no success. But she's taken the past year or so to confront some of her demons, do some healing work with a therapist, and continue to be a very dear friend to me. And just like that, a friend introduced her to a guy who really does seem like a gift, a guy who seems like he was made for her, a guy who obviously adores her, and I'm amazed that this could happen. Delighted for her, no question, but amazed that there could be a guy, a very nice guy, who has been there all along and now, just when she is healthy and ready and free of baggage, he appears at her side. He was so much fun during dinner, just made me laugh the whole time, yet he was kind to Kathy's mom, obviously a loving father, and I feel like he's been our friend for years. I'd say that Kathy is lucky, but she dearly deserves such a great guy to love her. Lucky me to know them both.

So I haven't done much in the past few weeks, but I feel richer than ever, especially with making a new woman friend and being part of Kathy's new life, and I feel blessed. Very lucky me.

He's Just Not That Into You.

2009-02-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

It was Girls Night Out! For this month's Wow meeting, I had planned an evening to have dinner and see "He's Just Not That In To You," since I thought it would be fun to see a dating movie with The Girls. And I was right. There were seven of us ladies at Stonefire Grill, eating salads and talking. Some of the ladies didn't know each other and, after only a short time, started exchanging phone numbers and planning future nights out. I love to see that, how women so easily bond quickly with other women.

We grow up with little boys acting strangely around us and we don't understand their actions. The movie told a story about a little boy pushing down a little girl who asked him why he did that and he said "You're made of dog poo." When the little girl tearfully asked her mom why the boy said that, she was told "it means he likes you." Huh? So we grow up, date a guy, and spend countless minutes and hours trying to figure out the meaning of his actions or words, calling girlfriend after girlfriend, guessing what it all could mean. According to the movie and the book of the same title, it's really still just like when they were little boys, that what they say has often the opposite meaning and that they are just as unwilling or unable to tell us the truth. But maybe we are just missing the point by trying to read too much into what the guys say. "Nice to meet you" doesn't mean they want to see us again. "We'll talk" doesn't mean they're planning to call us again. "See ya later" doesn't mean they want to see us again. So what's a girl to do?

The movie was "cute" but there was something wrong about it, something unnerving that took me some time to figure out. For sure, we women need to take things at face value, live in the moment, and stop thinking ahead. It seemed like the women in the movie created futures with these guys in their heads and these became fantasies that the women strove to make happen. Like the story of the couple who met, fell in love, and married at the pushing of the woman, but then later they both realized how unhappy they were, how the relationship wasn't the one of their fantasy any more, or maybe it never was. The movie showed several unhappily married couples, mostly because of the wives who made something out of nothing, like the couple at their wedding arguing over whether the guy hesitated before "saying I do." The movie made women look pushy and unrealistic and the guys look weak and whiny and it made me uncomfortable.

I haven't dated for a while and have been pretty comfortable on my own. This movie certainly didn't make me want to grab the first guy I see, but it did make me even more sure of my own views. That I need to live in the moment, enjoy whatever is happening right now and stop "futurizing." That I need to continue to strive for good communications with men I might meet, checking out what it is they are really saying by asking them, not others. That life does not revolve around having a romantic partner. And that a night out with girlfriends is always fun.

Men, Women, and Valentines.

2009-02-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

It’s Valentine’s Day today and I’m thinking of men and women and how we get along. Or don’t get along.

On Dr. Phil’s show yesterday about romance, he revealed the results of a poll he had given, asking what men and women wanted for Valentine’s day. 86% of men and 6% of the women wanted sex. 80% of the women and 7% of the men wanted to be taken out for a romantic evening the mate had planned. He had some couples on the show, asking how to rekindle romance in their lives. The women said that they think it’s an act of love when the men take out the trash and the men think it’s a duty they can postpone or avoid. These are serious differences, don’t ya think?

It reminds me of a joke a girlfriend sent me recently. The married couple was spending some time together running errands, but the woman thought the guy was being rather distant. She spent the rest of the day obsessing about what could be wrong, that maybe he didn’t like her or find her attractive anymore, that he was probably trying to get up the courage to leave her. She wondered how she could make him want her again and whatever had she done wrong. She went on and on and on, finally deciding to seduce him in bed that night. What did the guy say to himself about their day together? “Too bad my motorcycle didn’t start, but at least I got laid.” We are SO different!

One of my favorite blogs is Adventures in Delicious Dating After Forty (http://www.datinggoddess.com/) In a post titled “Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day” she asks us to remind ourselves that we are a terrific catch, to list the reasons why, and to treat ourselves as our own Valentine. She writes to Do for yourself what makes you feel loved. Do something you like to do that you don’t do very often: draw a warm bath, play favorite music, light candles and relax. Or order take out, get in your jammies early and snuggle down with a DVD. Or turn up the stereo and dance to your favorite music. Indulge and enjoy what you love to do. She says to meet up with gal pals, get a manicure and pedicure or massage, and show our appreciation to those we love, that we have the steady love of ourselves and not to take it for granted!

So that’s my wish for you and me, that we remember how unique and special we are, that we stop and notice all the people who love us and think about why, and that we remind ourselves that being here and loving others makes the world a better place.

Courage, gifts, and joy.

2009-02-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life is rich. I'm feeling quite happy to be alive, calm, relaxed, secure, confident, and peaceful. This is a good thing.

I had a nice weekend. I had the grandchildren Friday night and, as always, they brought smiles and silliness and joy to my home and my heart. We made cookies, played with our new dinosaur stencils, and made bracelets from beads they painted. They recently took some skating lessons and haven't done well and have been bored by the inactivity, so we drove to a sports store and bought inline skates, at the suggestion of their mommy, and skated around the store. After they went home, my beautiful curly-haired daughter sent me a short video of them skating in their playroom, full of smiles and loud giggles. These moments bring me to tears, seeing the joy they feel and knowing that I was a small part of making it happen.

It was even a good week at work. For the first time, my boss' complaints didn't hit me in the gut. I'm no longer accepting responsibility for their mistakes and am politely, but firmly, letting them know. I'm realizing my worth, my value, and not feeling torn down by their words. This, too, is a good thing.

And tonight I had a visit with my hypnotherapist, not because I was having issues, but because I wanted to stay well. While I was "under," she had me open three gifts, in the quest to get a clue where my path will lead next. The answer was that I don't know where I'm heading, that I don't need to figure it all out, and that I am content to wait to see what comes, knowing that I will embrace whatever it is. The most amazing part of this was that, in the third gift box, there was a beautiful and colorful silk cloth that I wrapped around me, and I knew that it was symbolic of me, that the vibrant colors signified the vitality and life and strength of who I am now. After this session, I was taken to dinner and a massage by one of the Wowettes, a really beautiful woman whom I adore, someone who realizes that the riches of our lives are the friends we love and the family who love us. The dinner was delicious and the massage amazing, but even more grand was knowing that I could have a such a special friend who thinks I'm worthy of such a treat. And I got home to an email from another Wowette who wrote that she finds me amazing and listed the reasons why. And these are women I would not have ever met had I not reached out and formed Wow. More good stuff, more really good stuff.

I tell you these things not to brag, but because I have spent many, many years trying to heal myself from childhood wounds, years and years of pain and anguish coming to grips with a family who chose to find ways to make me feel unworthy and unlovable. It's been worth every bit of pain, every sad and teary moment, to come to a place where I come to know that I am a person of value, that I am a person who loves and is loved, that I am a person who is glad to be alive. And that, my dear readers, is pretty amazing.

Perceptions, definitions, and another Ellen

2009-02-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

I believe in the connectedness of the universe. The butterfly effect, that the flapping of a butterfly's wings could alter the development of a tornado, that my actions have a ripple effect that I might never know. That everything we do, every thing we learn, every person we meet changes our lives. And theirs.

The January Wow meeting was this week. One by one, the ladies come into my home with their potluck menu offerings and their smiles and their cheeriness, filling my home with their energies. This time, we had Ellen Stohl (www.ellenstohl.com), a friend of my beautiful curly-haired daughter. I have always known the many pleasures of having a daughter as delightful as mine, but I've only recently realized a new pleasure, that the new friends she makes can change my life, too.

Ellen spoke to us on the topic "Define: Me!" Ellen's thought is that we perceive and define ourselves through the filter of others. Society has a model of perfection, for us women it's the actress with perfect make-up and hair, gorgeous men by her side, designer clothes on her tiny body, someone who might be unhappy, but still remains our idol. And our perceptions and definitions change as we age, as we have children, as we change jobs, as we change mates. We don't live in a vacuum, isolated, so we compare and judge ourselves based on what we think we "should" be, rather than appreciating our uniqueness. Others tell us who we are and we accept that definition.

The reality of who defines us came to Ellen when she was nineteen and involved in a car accident that left her an incomplete quadriplegic, living life unable to walk. She learned that people's perceptions of her and what she could accomplish became defined by her paralysis, that they saw the wheelchair first and the woman second. Yet, there appears to be almost nothing that she can't, and hasn't, done since her accident. She became an actress, rode on a motorcycle, explored a museum in Brazil, got stood up by Charlie Sheen, completed the Los Angeles Marathon Bike Tour, participated in a season of the LA Chamber Ballet, got pregnant, became a mother, bungee jumped, and posed for Playboy. Whew!

Her message is to define ourselves, to ask ourselves what do I see in myself, how do I see myself, what do I do for myself that makes me feel sexual since our sexuality comes in defining ourselves, really knowing the real us. Do I view myself negatively or positively, do I see myself as a potential partner or make assumptions about myself that prevents meeting my match. That coming to know ourselve as we really are, separate from the views of others that we have incorporated, allows us to like and love ourselves which shows, making us more attractive to others. Ellen says that, if given the choice, she would not undo that accident that changed her life, as it put her on a path of self-discovery that has made her the strong and vibrant woman she is today.

The next morning after enjoying Ellen, I attended the memorial service for Dr. Richland, one of my physician employers who recently passed away. It was an emotional week before that, with my other doctor writing and rewriting his presentation, both of us crying as we read it over and over. And I was scheduled to speak as well, after an esteemed list of doctors and before the family members, and I was honored to be chosen. As much as I was saddened by his loss, the tributes by the doctors and family were amazing, as if each person had known a different piece of Dr. Richland and together we created a total picture of the man. I thought back to what Ellen had said, how we define ourselves based on the views of others, and realized that I often think of myself as lesser than the doctors in my professional community, that somehow they are higher on some list of importance than I am. After speaking about the doctor in front of all the other doctors, I felt different, somehow elevated in stature, somehow more equal to the docs.

Likely I have always felt "less than" others, less important or smart or pretty or valuable, and I appreciate Ellen's opening my eyes to our self-perceptions that already have allowed me to view myself as a more worthy human being. I wonder how many times I feel anxious or troubled that I am just judging myself against others and coming up short. I vow to come to know myself, to create a reality and perception of myself based on who I really am. I thank Dr. Richland for allowing me to be part of his life, to know and be cared about by such a remarkable person. And I thank Ellen for opening my eyes to me. It's that connectedness thing again, how my daughter picked a particular school for the children and met Ellen and now she has changed my life, and clearly the lives of many, in a very positive way.

Laughs, courage, and Judy Tenuta!

2009-01-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

Yes! That's Bev and me on either side of Judy Tenuta! JUDY TENUTA! I have watched Judy on TV specials and listened to her CDs for years and I have always totally adored her. And I saw her in PERSON! Aaaahhhhh.

Just a word first about the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Great place! An easy drive and just off a major freeway, light on the wallet, friendly staff, and great shows. Thanks to Randy Lubas, one of the owners, for getting us a good seat, giving a funny warm-up act, and asking us after the show if we had a good time. Check it out...http://www.venturaharborcomedyclub.com/index.html

So Judy is a comedian and is very funny, but not in a usual way. She's calls herself a Love Goddess, calls lesbians "lesbiterians." She'll invite a man to the stage, make total fun of him and tell him to get on his knees to worship him and he will! She'll say sometime totally unbelievable, like she was invited to the Presidential inauguration and then say "it could happen!!!" and we fall off our seats in hysteria. Without a pause, she'll say something R-rated, apologize to a section of the audience she deems "Christians," ask all the men in the audience to admit it's true that they always want to see two women together, then tell the crowd that it's also true that we women want to see two men together, "one to clean and one to cook" and everyone will roar in laughter. But it's not just the words. She dresses outrageously in feathers and an accordian, talks and yells in a high pitched squeal, says many of her words in a long giggly trill, calls herself saaaaasy and we never stop cracking up. I adore her, I really do.

As she was performing, when I wasn't totally screaming with laughter, I had a moment when I thought about what is it about Judy that makes me feel so drawn to her? I had a light-bulb moment when I realized that it's the irreverence, that she is so very far from the norm, from her voice to her appearance to her language and to her actions, that she has helped me to be more outrageous myself. I've always thought of myself as being somewhere outside the "norm," that I have never wanted to be part of the "in" crowd, that I have a rebellious and silly side of me that always wanted to forge its own path. And Judy, with her unconventional humor and appearance, has unknowingly given me permission to be myself, to make unpopular or scary choices with the confidence that the end result might be bad or unwanted, but the journey is worth it anyway. So, even though you never knew I existed until tonight and probably you'll never think of me again, you've really given me courage. And lots and lots and lots of belly laughs. Thanks, Judy!

Friends, horses, and dancing with the President!

2009-01-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

Man, I just wanna dance with Obama. Geez, that guy is cool and he can move! OK, he seems like a guy who has the passion and energy to make the world a better place, but doesn't he look good? Yeah, yeah, so Michelle is beautiful, but a girl can dream!

Listen, it's been a cool week. I had dinner with one of my best friends ever and her parents, like I was just a member of their family and I loved it. I love being with people who just accept me and love me and think being with me is pretty cool, but don't we all? Thanks Susan, from the bottom of my heart.

And I went out with Bev, my recently broken-up with friend, who tends to make me laugh so hard it's tough to control my bodily functions. We went to check out some possible party sites and ended up at a nearby club and we danced!!! OK, so I walk in and it's dark and noisy and crowded and hot and there are people everywhere and I find a little empty place to stand and check it out and a cute guy comes up to me and says, "Do you live in Culver City and aren't you a client of mine?" and another guy says "Didn't I meet you in Beijing?" and I'm just stunned because I don't live in Culver City and I've NEVER been to China. And then, another guy comes up and says "Hi Bev, Hi Ellen" and Bev and I look at each other and realize that neither of us knows who he is and we just start laughing and I have to tell Bev to stop, just stop, because sometimes we just can't stop laughing once we get wound up and that's my experience at going clubbing for the first time in maybe seven months. Had a great time, thanks Bev!

And then I wasn't supposed to have my grandchildren on the weekend because they had family visiting but my daughter asked me to take them Sunday because the company was sick so we met my wonderful friend Kathy in the Chatsworth Hills and I almost have no words to describe how magical a time we had. We drove up to meet Kathy and found her talking to a lady on a horse who let the kids feed the horse carrots and then we walked a block south and visited two more horses who came to the fence and ate our carrots and then we hiked way up the hills to see over the 118 freeway and saw more horses on the way down who, again, let the kids feed them. See if this picture describes the magic, with Kathy walking with her pooch Onyx (who the children hug and say "I love you, Onyx" when they first arrive) and holding Talia's hand to help her up the hill:

And then Obama becomes President and I cry and feel hopeful and, for the first time in so long, I am proud to be an American. Maybe he'll end the war, feed the poor, mend fences all over the world, and stop global warming. I feel hopeful, I really do. Now, if he'd only dance with me!

Loss, grief, and angels.

2009-01-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

I lost someone I loved today. I work for three generations of neurosurgeons, all excellent and devoted physicians who spend their lives saving lives. The older doctor died today, and I am very, very saddened by this loss.

He was Dr. Kenneth Richland and recently received the first Distinguished Physician Award from Northridge Hospital for his fifty years of practice. Nowadays, these brain and spine surgeons can often diagnose a patient's problem in a matter of seconds or minutes, just viewing an MRI or a CT scan. There were no scans when Dr. Richland started his practice, but he still treated ruptured brain aneurysms, subdural hematomas, head injuries, and spinal cord injuries with his wits and lots and lots of amazing efforts. There were no other neurosurgeons in the area in those days and he flew his plane as far as Bakersfield to treat trauma patients, spending many hours uncompensated for his life-saving work. During the last decade or so, as he worked less hours, he spent considerable time with his children and grandchildren, taking them on countless trips all over the world to try to compensate for not being there for them when they were growing up. And they loved him deeply.

As much as patients adored and respected him as a doctor, he was also the kindest and most gentle man. My office is often organized chaos, during which he would visit with his smile and kind words, always thanking us for our modest efforts on his behalf and bringing a ray of light and sunshine to our difficult days. He deeply enjoyed his work and never hesitated to see patients without insurance, saying he just wanted to be of help. Patients would often stop by my office to tell us that they knew him decades ago and never forgot his kindness and devoted care to them during their medical crisis. I've heard story after story of his giving money to nurses to help them with their school costs, never asking for reimbursement. He was loved and respected by so many people that it would be impossible to count them all.

I did see him last night in his nursing home bed. I'm not sure he knew I was there, but I stayed for a while, holding his hand and talking to him while he slept. I looked at his hands, thinking of the many people whose lives he had affected dramatically with his skills and judgment. Yet, when I told a VP at the hospital of his passing, she told me how he would light up at the sound of my name, how he loved the ladies in my office and that working with us brought him joy.

I was reminded this week by a therapist that much of my adult difficulties relate to a childhood being raised by parents who didn't love or appreciate me. Dr. Richland was like a tonic to that pain, always expressing how much he appreciated even my smallest efforts on his behalf. He was a great neurosurgeon and a wonderful man. Through my tears, I keep reminding myself that I am a better person for having known him. It is a reminder again to me that the riches in my life are the people I know and love, that it's not money that makes me wealthy but the people in my life who bless me with their love and kindness and allow me the privilege of being their friend. I am very grateful for my time with Dr. Richland and will miss him very much. If there is a heaven, he is surely there, bringing smiles to the angels.

Hanukah, Christmas, and a birthday.

2008-12-29T19:54:00.001-08:00

It's been a wonderful end to a sometimes difficult and sometimes fabulous year and an especially good last few months. From the amazingly fun cruise last month, to the holiday Wow meeting to my annual Jewish-Christmas breakfast with friends and family, to Jason's wonderful angel of a sister being in town for the month (that's her above with my grandchildren), to a weekend of lunch with a friend who is like a sister and a comedy house night with another friend who makes me laugh until my tummy hurts, to a whole day of a birthday with friends and family, to feeling strong, finally, at work, to turning sixty, yes sixty, today, and it's been grand.

Sometimes, when I'm with my women friends or with my daughter and her family, I try to remember to stop for a moment and think about how blessed I am. That the Wow group has lasted for more than three years, giving me the friendship of truly lovely women. That my daughter has grown into such a beautiful woman and amazing mom. That she is married to a man I adore and love like a son. That my delightful twin grandchildren live only a few miles from me and are healthy and happy and that I get to spend really fun time with them every week. That I have women friends who I love dearly. That I am healthy and that I have a job that has allowed me to have a roof over my head and feel useful and productive. That at least five people in the last week, when hearing about my birthday, said that I looked forty. That sometimes I feel sad, but more often I feel happy.

This is a joyful and sometimes pensive time of year. We are reminded of celebrities and dignitaries who passed away. We think about what we wanted to accomplish, but didn't. We think about loves that we lost, friends that moved away, and friends we no longer visit. And we think about the New Year, that we'll exercise more or read more books or call our friends more often or finally take that trip to somewhere special. And, as we are wishing friends and strangers a happy new year, we think about what we hope will happen in the new year for ourselves.

I thought about my late mom this morning, how she used to call me her "teenager," even when I was in my forties, how she'd always tell me the story of my birth on my birthday, that she wasn't here to tell it to me again today, and I was sad. And then my daughter and my grandchildren visited me at my office with beautiful yellow roses and hand-drawn Happy Birthday - I Love You cards and kisses and hugs and I was overwhelmed with joy. I am truly blessed. And I wish each and every one of you a happy new year full of very few challenges and lots and lots of moments when you know you are loved.

Snow, Magic, and friends.

2008-12-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday and I'm still recovering from Thursday! It started out with one of the coldest mornings on record and snow in the mountains just north of Chatsworth. Snow! Here's a picture of snow to the east of me, taken with a telephoto lens by my very busy (and very beautiful) curly-haired daughter:

The snow prevented lots and lots of people who live north of our valley from driving in to work, so my docs 7:30am surgery started at 11:am and they had to miss a special lunchtime meeting. So the ladies in my office went and look at who we met!!!
Yes, that's the real Magic Johnson with my assistant! He came to hospital next to my office to speak on his new book and talked about how he has succeeded in business. Amidst really funny stories about his adventures in basketball! All I can say is that he's a really big guy, both in stature and heart. He talked about how his goal has been to bring business to the inner cities and to help all minorities succeed. He said that a dollar in a minority community changes hands only three times but, in a community like ours, changes hands twenty times, because there have traditionally been very few, if any, businesses in the inner city. He told a story about trying to buy Starbucks to put into minority communities, but hearing that the company doesn't franchise and didn't want to take the risk. So he invites the head of the company to a premier of a chick movie at his movie theaters in the intersection of gang territory in LA. So there are maybe 5,000 women in line waiting for the Whitney Houston movie "Waiting to Exhale" and the ladies are all talking to each other like they know each other and then, when the movie starts, are all acting like they have a personal relationship with Whitney because they are talking to the screen, telling her exactly what to do with her nasty boyfriend. And the Starbucks CEO tells Magic that he's never had quite a movie-going experience like this before and sells him 119stores!

So, the whole afternoon I'm just completely abuzz by Magic! He really is one of the most down-to-earth, yet inspiring people I've every met. In this giddy stake, I spend my evening with these lovely ladies, the women of Wow! These are some of the Wowettes at our annual Holiday meeting! We ate a magnificent potluck dinner and then gathered to share our triumphs from this year and our hopes for the New Year. With triumphs, there were many shared themes, such as taking care of aging parents, making new women friends, surviving unemployment, reconciling with siblings and grown children, finishing a divorce and getting a life back, helping a handicapped child learn to read, traveling alone, surviving changes at work, expanding a business, becoming more patient and compassionate, and enjoying their single life. In the new year, the ladies want to find a new job, exercise more, travel more, live in the moment, do volunteer work, find a wonderful man, get more fit, continue developing friendships, become financially independent, and be "fearless and focused." Although each of us has had our share of challenges this year, all were upbeat about their lives and successes. Although some were hoping for a man in their lives, most expressed contentment with being alone, all expressing love for their women friends and happiness with their lives. They are a beautiful, glowing, and joyful group of women, and I am blessed to know them all. What an amazing year awaits! Happy holidays to all!

Plumbers, challenges, and looking forward.

2008-12-16T21:17:00.000-08:00

I learned something new today. If you fill your garbage disposal with ice cubes and then run it, this cleans the little holes that might clog up with bits of food. Gee, I'm hitting a really big birthday soon and I never ever heard that before. How did I learn this? I paid $350 to a plumber to fix a leak and replace a regulator and that's what I got! I also got the knowledge that I took care of something small right away that could have turned into something disastrous really soon.

It's the time to look back and think about what I have learned this year. The Wow meeting is in a few days and it's when we talk about the year's successes and our goals for the new year. I've had quite a year, as you readers know. A new and very difficult boss, a burglary, a few lost romantic relationships, a broken refrigerator, a poisoned dog (who survived), and some more struggles that I've already forgotten.

And maybe that's the biggest lesson of all, that we all have challenges and they pass. We learn and grow or we don't. I'm a better person now than I was at the beginning of the year. I've faced and walked through things like the burglary that could have broken me, but I actually think I'm a better person because of it. I made a few new wonderful friends, taken some great trips, and watched my grandchildren start kindergarten and lose their first tooth. I've done some things that scared me and some things that made me stronger. I guess that's just life, and I'm not done yet. Not by a long shot.

Boys, girls, and vampires.

2008-12-07T19:27:00.001-08:00

I like to watch Ellen. I'm an Ellen, and I like that another Ellen is famous and fabulous and fine. It's an Ellen thing, I believe. I tape the show and sometimes watch it late at night if I can't sleep. So, there was this very cute little nine-year-old boy Alec Greven talking about a book he wrote called "How to Talk to Girls."
This is how it's advertised, "Are you smart enough to take over a girl's heart? Leave it to a nine-year-old to get down to the basics about how to win victory with a girl. How to talk to girls is for boys of all ages—from eight to eighty—and the girls they like. So read this book and then you're ready. Good luck!"

Like it's that easy. And since when do guys read self-help books? I know a lot of much older guys and many of them don't have much of a clue about talking to girls, so I was curious to hear the wisdom of a child. I raised a daughter and now she has twins, a boy and a girl, and the differences are obvious. The little girl is all diva, wants to be first in line, likes to be noticed, and likes "girlish" things. The boy likes to build things, isn't much on being cuddled because he's busy playing, and usually just reacts without thinking about it. Both wonderful, and both very different.

So little Alec says that the guys have to be careful and behave properly around girls because a girl can like them at the beginning of recess and then, at the end of recess, it's all over. Just like that, fifteen minutes and it's done! He says to learn to "get over it," that "life is hard, move on." His other advice is to "Comb your hair and don't wear sweats. Control your hyperness (cut down on the sugar if you have to)and don't act desperate."

Sounds like good advice. I'm not sure if men my age are still just as clueless as my little grandson or as simple as little Alec, or maybe they're just flailing around out there, trying to make sense of being single in their 50s in a world full of women they'll never understand. And put that together with women who are still trying to find their prince, still looking for that fairy tale romance from the stories they read as little girls. Geez, there's still Lifetime Movies, the sappy stories are strong women who still want romance and, yes, I watch those movies and shed more than a few tears every time.

Not sure what this post is really trying to say. I'm getting over my cold finally. My bosses still think the problems with the healthcare system are somehow my fault. And I'm just trying, myself, to make sense of soon having a big birthday and being single and enjoying my girlfriends and family and wondering if I'll really ever get past the things that shaped my growing up. Think I'll just go read a book. I'm reading the third in the Twilight series, you know the one about the teenage girl who falls in love with that gorgeous twinkly-bodied vampire. Yeah, that's reality. I wish.

A cold, Chinese food, and the kids.

2008-12-06T20:10:00.001-08:00

Thought I'd let you in on another weekend, here in Chatsworth, California. I've had the nastiest head cold this week and, yes, I did work every day feeling lousy. On Thursday, after hucking up some disgusting green stuff, I went to my doctor and got some antibiotics. And a note to be off work for that day. Funny, huh? I work for a doctor and got a doctor's note to go home and, just as I thought, my doctor boss just laughed when he saw it. I actually did go home around noon and slept the whole afternoon and then dragged back into work on Friday. Wouldn't it be nice to be independently wealthy and not have to work? OK, yes, I'm thankful to have a job and one that give me some pleasure amidst the angst.

So I thought I'd come home on Friday night, put on sweats, and crawl under the covers for maybe twenty-four or more hours but, alas, not to be. My daughter was away on a work trip and my hard-working son-in-law had pulled some overtime duty so I had the twins overnight. Which you might think is an imposition or something like it, but being with them is actually the best medicine. Their happy faces and silliness make me happy and forget my troubles, like when I was reading them a story about a giraffe and a mouse who loved each other but the mouse couldn't reach up to kiss the giraffe and Quinn said, "I know why giraffes have such long necks. They have smelly feet." To which I replied, "Hey Quinn, you made a joke" to which he replied, "No, I read it in a book and it's true!" And Talia, out of nowhere, said "I know why grandmothers are called grandmothers! It's because they are grand and they are mothers!" Ok, melt my heart, you sweet little people.

So here's a picture of them in last year's Christmas pajamas and Santa hats, playing with the holiday decorations they helped unload from storage:
And here's a picture of why I don't put away my laundry. No, it's not that I'm lazy, but I graciously wish to provide my cat with soft and warm places to sleep:
I don't have a lot of close friends, but the few I have are really special to me. Here's the twins with my dear friend Susan after lunch at Panda Express. And yes, that's a statue of a naked guy, not the naked guy who lives down the street, but another naked guy.
Here's the twins this morning, "painting" in the coloring books that Susan gave them yesterday, or actually waiting to paint until the kitty drinks their painting water, since the dozen water glasses I leave around for her are never as good as the ones she's not supposed to drink from. The children loved the coloring-painting books - Susan never comes empty-handed and is probably the kindest person I know. Lucky me to be her friend:
And now it's Sunday night and just got up from a long winter's nap (yes, we did read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" while the kids were here) and, no, I'm not going to the singles dance that some of the Wowettes are attending and, yes, I'll probably catch up on some TV I've taped or read some of the third book of the Twilight series (what a perfect movie!) or maybe I'll just do nothing. Would be nice to have a realy cool guy around to rub my feet and cuddle with and bring me tea, but I'm doing OK on my own, thank you. Still, might be nice.

Yeah! Cruise pix!

2008-12-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

The towel-swan that greeted us on our bed the first night. How do they do that?

We are OFF the ship! John-Allan-Bev-Dan-Me.

Yes, we are being tourists outside Hussongs!

And drinking inside Hussongs!

Michele is taking pics again!

Can't just eat and drink! Gotta take pictures! You go, Michelle!

And this is all of us, looking fine at dinner!

If you were on the ship and want YOUR pix posted, just send them to me!

Clouds, cookies, and PlayDoh.

2008-11-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

A few of you have written to tell me I haven't posted pix of the grandchildren lately, so I thought I'd use them to show you what I've done so far for the Thanksgiving weekend:

I had the kids at my house for a few hours before we left for Thanksgiving dinner. Just before we left to pick up their mom, I heard a loud clank and then a thud and then a cry and this is the resulting bump on Talia's forehead from running into a very hard fireplace brick: She stopped crying once she took a look at herself in the mirror!

This is what we saw in the sky on the way to pick up their mommy. Doesn't it look like a face in a cloud?

The kids stayed overnight last night and here's the results of making sugar cookies and decorating them. (You can barely see the cookies on the paper towels on the counter in front of them. Excuse the cat.)

Here's the kids all curled up this morning watching some snippets of Thursday's Macy's parade:

Here's Quinn's self proclaimed, "The Artic of Blanket White House of North Levada." (Yes, Levada. He says it has desert and snow there.)

Here's the kids drawing, Talia wearing her self-made "Badger Costume." (Excuse the cat.)

And finally, the children making "fruit salad" and "an egg around a baby" from PlayDoh.

We've had a busy morning. Are there enough words to describe the pleasure of watching these happy little people play? I have a lot to be thankful for. Have a nice weekend.

Questions, punctuation, and knights.

2008-11-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, yes, I will post pix from the trip, but first I must find someone to scan a few and then you shall see them. I promise. Soon.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd share some more emails from men who recently answered my personal ad, since you guys on the trip said you find these posts amusing. I really would like to be dating, but consider the options. These are the COMPLETE responses (with NO pix attached) I received from my ad that requested from them a short bio, a pic, and a description of how what I wrote in my ad would work for them:

really like you, you seem to be a nice lady, are you…I would love to talk to you, please let me know sweetie. I’m a nice guy, you will like me…please let me hear from you soon. Sincerely

Just Wondering !!!!
Hows a nice man sound? Thats alot of fun and looking TO GIVE YOU ALL THE SPECIAL TLC YOU NEED !!

I enjoy who I am and enjoy what life has to bring maybe a new friend soon !!!!!! I'm 49 6'2' 195 in good shape and would enjoy meeting you, & This is for real so let me know !!!

Since Obama won, the sky is bluer, the air is sweeter, and I'm so optimistic that I'm writing to a woman online. I'm 56 and
iconoclastic. "I earn that I eat, get that I wear, owe no man hate, envy
no man's happiness..." The shepherd speaks those line in "As You Like
It." I happen to like it, too. But I'm no Percy Dove-Tonsil quoting
Shakespeare all the time.

So let's have lunch first...
or I won't bother with you.

hi dr bob in westlake. wanna talk?

How big are you?

Would you enjoy a nice, smart, attentive, and
imaginative lover from time to time? Be careful what you wish for.

Ouch. You see the predicament? No pic. No short bio. No telling what appealed to them in my ad. No capital letters. Ouch. I wanna go back on the cruise. Real life is tough. Anyone seen a knight on a white horse?

Big ship, great people, and lots of laughs.

2008-11-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

That was SOOOOOOOO fun! Where do I start! As you know, I went on a cruise this weekend to Ensenada with a group of single people. There were some of my Wowettes, some guys from the Party List, and some who booked the trip after walking into the Auto Club and seeing the flier.

What can I say? It was probably the most fun weekend I've ever had with friends. Our group was friendly and fun and almost like we were of the same mind with plans to get together for the weekend and enjoy the heck out of everything offered. We ate, we drank, we saw shows, we shopped, we laughed, and we partied. Did you notice that sleeping wasn't on the list?!?

There were so many moments that I hoped to remember so I could tell you about them, but they all just blurred together and I can't remember the specific things we laughed about, but my stomach still hurts from all the cracking up. To start, we had planned to meet on the pool deck upon embarking to have lunch and get to know each other but Bev and I didn't see anyone we knew so we just sat with a view of the Long Beach Harbor, having a drink, and one by one the table filled up. One of the guys I didn't know leaned into me and said, "I read your blog and booked this trip so that I could meet you!" Think about it, over 19,000 hits and I really have very little clue who is reading this and there, just inches away, is a guy I've never met who has read the posts for years and knows all about me and, until that very minute, I didn't know existed. He went on and on, praising me about my writing and my personality and I was totally amazed. Having not dated or had a party in over six months, it was almost shocking to meet someone, a man, with such knowledge and appreciation of me. And that set the tone for the weekend.

The women were beautiful, the men handsome, and everyone was fun. We woke up Saturday morning, docked in Ensenada, and had planned to meet on dry land to walk together into town. Bev and I waited and waited and, one by one, were met by three other guys from the cruise, two from my group and one from Utah who asked to join us, and we were off. Now, I didn't know these guys from anyone until the day before and didn't have any idea of how they would react to browsing through store after store in a strange town, but they were just hilarious. Kept us laughing the whole three hours. I just can't describe what a treat it was to spend the time with these guys who entertained us, let down their hair, and made it so much fun.

I feel rejuvinated, just alive again! It's been a tough year for me, as you readers well know, and this weekend just made my spirits soar. For some reason, which is still a surprise to me, I got more hugs and kisses and un-asked-for shoulder rubs from guys on the trip than I have had all year. After a while, Bev just stood there with the most bemused expression while another guy would come up to me and do something affectionate. Oh, I do remember one strange thing that happened. Bev and I were eating lunch (on the Lido deck, of course), and one guy who I had never seen before came up and asked me "What is there for lunch" to which I answered "There's Japanese food over there and some really good fish dish over there" to which he responded, "You should really be in comedy, you remind me of that comedian, oh yes, Rita Rudner." Listen, I told him what was for lunch. How funny is that? And at least three guys, at three different times, came up to me and said to the person next to me, "She's the most beautiful woman on the cruise." Listen, I have witnesses.

I don't know what got into everyone, but their spirits were high, the booze flowed, and everyone was gracious and friendly, which made for a good time for all. I have big thanks and love for Bev, our travel agent from the Auto Club, who spent so much time and effort booking all of us and turned out to be the best roommate a girl could ever have. (You can reach her at 818-313-7677 for any of your travel needs.) And to all of you who travelled with me, both those of you I have known and those of you who I met for the first time, I say that you were amazing, so friendly and happy and nice to each other, and I appreciate each and every one of you for making the trip so much fun for everyone. I can't wait to see you again. Really. Let's plan something again! (Pics soon!)

Juggling, boats, and friends.

2008-11-20T20:19:00.001-08:00

I don't know how we all do it. Juggle. We have work, friends, family, lovers, school, chores, homes, errands, and the list goes on and on about all the things that take our time and energy. How do we have enough to do it all? How do we choose which to do and which to put off?

I'm going on a weekend cruise tomorrow, something that's been planned for about six months. There's maybe 100 single people my age going and I think it will be fun, but I had to do so much work and deciding and picking and worrying all week that I am spending the evening relaxing (think hot oil bath with candles), or trying to relax enough so that I can enjoy the trip.

Maybe it's about prioritizing or maybe it's about taking the easier path or maybe it's about giving in or giving up, but it's hard to make it all work. I guess the bottom line is that I can't have it all, that I have to make choices, and that sometimes I disappoint myself or others in the process. I really worked hard this week, just pushed and pushed, and my boss isn't at all happy that I'm taking a long weekend, but I still stood up, "barreled ahead" as my daughter says, and just said that's that. It was a week full of fires, real and perceived, very sick patients and some very sad stories, a sick grandbaby and a retired boss who's not doing so well in rehab and I'm just tired and wondering if other people have an easy time making it all work and I think this is just universal. We're all in the same boat. Life is tough sometimes.

So I'm off to spend a cheery and carefree weekend on a big ship with some old friends and maybe some new ones, to drink and eat and dance and maybe just sit outside and watch the ocean pass by. I hope you all have a lovely weekend, too.

Mules, dinners, and smoke.

2008-11-16T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm keeping my promise to tell you what I've been doing lately. That's a picture of Auntie Sharon's family at a recent dinner while she was visiting from Georgia. It's a big, loud Italian family that make me and my daughter and her family feel welcome, like we're a part of their family without the baggage. It's really nice to go to their gatherings since my family doesn't gather anymore, that since Mom passed we really have gone our own ways. I don't mind that, since we have a classic dysfunctional family and the gatherings were always fraught with tension, but I do miss the noise and the joy that exists in some families.

That's the view from the room Auntie Sharon and I stayed in at the Aquarius Casino in Laughlin a few weeks ago. That's the Riverside Hotel, the home of Don Laughlin who built the town. And that's the beautiful Colorado River that runs behind the hotels. One night we walked the length of the hotels along the River Walk and saw lots of ducks and one skunk. Really. We should have done more walking and less gambling, but it was a particularly nice trip. Sharon is my longest friend, like a sister to me, and I miss her terribly, so spending a few days together like the old days was really good. Below is a picture of Auntie feeding a mule in Oatman, a little town in the mountains just outside of Laughlin that used to be a thriving town during the days when gold was being mined, but now pretty much belongs to the mules who wander wherever they please.

And last week I had the flu, so there's nothing much to talk about and no pix. I worked most of the week and went home before I felt like falling over and it was a full moon and very busy, but it's over and so then there was the weekend. I hadn't made plans for the weekend because I didn't know how I'd feel, so I just took it easy and stayed inside. It was pretty weird though, with fires all over the place and the sky various colors of orange and brown and grayish and it felt like an episode of Twilight Zone, like I woke up in a movie or something. It was all over the news, something like 500 homes were burned, and I ache for the people who lost everything. The air was nasty and thankfully my daughter took her kids to the beach Saturday morning to escape the smoke and had a good time, except that she referred to the children as her aliens, so I figured she needed a break and told her to bring them to me on Sunday and they were a delight. There's something about walking through Gramma's door that makes them be good. I didn't know my grandparents at all, but I have to think that having me in the lives of my own grandchildren, with all the love I eagerly bestow upon them, is a good thing. Plus they're just the most fun. If I could bottle the sound of their giggles, I'd be rich. We even had a visit from my friend Kathy and her lab Onyx on their way to her little slice of heaven in Baja. Of course Onyx had to go in my pool, which I believe she thinks she owns, and the children had to hug and kiss her a zillion times. Here's a picture of the twins on my couch, pretending to be one of their stuffed animal friends.

So I ended the weekend taking the kids home and having dinner with my daughter, her husband, the kids, and my niece Debbie. We may not have a very big family, but we love each other a lot. Big bunches. Lots and lots. You get the picture.

Computers, viruses, and stuff.

2008-11-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you who have emailed, asking me where I've been. Interesting few weeks, and I thank you for your concern. I formed about five or six or seven posts in my head, but alas my computer was in the shop. For a week. Except for one hour when it worked and then it didn't again.

Maybe I'll talk about frustration and angst and how little things really can upset us. When my computer gets weird, I just panic. I don't know how they work. I think it's magic, probably. Maybe I should take a computer class so that I won't get so agitated when it fails. Maybe I should just learn to relax and not take it so seriously. Whatever.

What I noticed is that I really felt disoriented, not having this means to communicate. I felt like I was alone in my little house and everyone else was "out there" living life without me. I know that's a bit extreme, but it kinda felt like I was disconnected from life. And then I got the flu or some icky virus and just didn't feel good for the past four or five days or so and that worried me. I'm not a good patient, I admit. Listen, I work for doctors and am really almost constantly aware of my mortality and the possibility of my demise, seeing all these sick people every day. Sometimes I warn my friends to be careful driving or to look both ways when they cross the street and they think I'm nuts, but I see the results of tragic accidents every day and it's really quite real. One of my docs is going to operate on a man tomorrow who was visiting here and got hit in a crosswalk, breaking his upper spine and neck and he's never going to be a pedestrian again or be able care for himself in any way. Ever. Like in that one second, his life and the lives of his friends and family are forever changed. So, sometimes I get weird about my own sense of mortality, and I apologize for the sad story, but maybe one of you will be a little more careful and never have to suffer like that.

So I vow to catch you up on what's been happening that's good, like my week with Auntie Sharon and our trip to Laughlin and Oatman. And that I went to visit a really cool church last Sunday with my friend Kathy, how it was the first service after the new President was elected and the crowd was pretty happy, and how colorful a group it was, and how I cried at the amazing music and the joy all around me. Maybe you can go next time with me. Or how I'm still not dating and have decided that life is about having fun and that I'm thinking of ways to have more fun that don't require a boyfriend. And how I'm having a major birthday at the end of this year and some really nice friends are trying to plan some fun outings but I just can't think that far ahead. And how the grandkids are fabulous (see www.itsallaboutthesmallstuff.blogspot.com for details and pix) and that I'm going on a cruise in a few days with 100 singles and how work is OK off and on, more on than off, and that I'm grateful that you read this. Stuff like that. Soon.

Potluck, The Pink Lady, and Wowettes.

2008-10-30T23:03:00.001-07:00

I had breakfast in Laughlin, Nevada and dinner with the Wow group in my home in Chatsworth, California! The ladies started arriving early and my house, once again, filled with the voices and spirits of these amazing women.

The speaker tonight was Jackie Goldberg, the Pink Lady. I was told that she would be a terrific speaker and she was. She started her presentation by saying "I'm a sexy, sizzling, senior!!! She's 76, looks decades younger, and has the energy and enthusiasm of a teenager. Here's some of her words:

If you have the attitude, you can be anything you want to be.
Live belongs to the living.
Think pink, let the aura of a color allow you to see life through rose-colored glasses and surround yourself with people you love.
Get up, get out, and get a life!

The Pink Lady told story after story of being in difficult situations, like being a 23-year-old widow with three children and no work skills, and how her spunky attitude and exuberant personality got her jobs, good men, and new careers all though her life. You could see some of my slightly cynical ladies thinking that life just isn't that easy, that mountains aren't moved by guts and confidence alone, but she would have none of that. Attitude, again she says. Yes, she has her "down" times, but she is so busy with volunteering in three places, starting a new magazine called "Senior Chic," dating five men at once, and meeting new people wherever she goes that she doesn't stay down for long.

Listening to her talking about starting conversations with strangers and how she just is herself, her outgoing, sometimes loud, always bold self, really hit home to me. I've always been spirited but often held in my quirkiness, like it might offend or people might not like me. I've been conflicted about really letting the world see my true self, really allowing all of who I really am to shine through, and the Pink Lady's words really showed me that there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by throwing caution to the wind and just letting me - be me.

The ladies were "wowed" by the Pink Lady. If you want to learn more about her, her website is: www.pinklady7.com. She teaches seminars on Getting Your Life Together: Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually, Reinventing Yourself, Words for the Wise, Effective Communication,, Grandparents as Parents, Humor in Life, and Senior Sexuality. Her website writes: She has helped hundreds of people reinvent themselves, stay youthful, improve their sexuality, and much more.

I can tell you that a few hours with The Pink Lady will change your life by making you be more alive, more sure of yourself, more eager to participate in all that life offers. Just being in her company has changed all of us. Oh, and that's a picture above of The Pink Lady surrounded by the smiling and beautiful Wowettes - celebrating the 3rd anniversary of Wow. See, we're already practicing what The Pink Lady teaches, to "Show people that once they hit 60 life is not over, but is still filled with passion, excitement, and love."

High school, life, and now.

2008-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation. I know I've written that, but I love to see the words. I took my visiting friend Auntie Sharon to a party of some of her oldest girlfriends last night. I met these ladies last year when I was Sharon's guest at her high school reunion. They were best friends in high school, that Catholic school up on the hill nearby, and can go on for hours about how "bad" they were, how they were late to class or spent their first class having breakfast at a local Bob's, only to be discovered by priests from the same school out for a bite. These ladies have kept in touch for these forty years since graduation and now get together for a girls' night out dinner every few months. Even the one who moved to Arizona took part via her cell phone!

I don't know how it is with men, but we women can sometimes laugh so hard our guts hurt. We laughed, giggled, chortled, and generally had the best time for hours last night in Robbi's beautiful back yard. Robbi is still married to John, who we invited to join us last night and who kept saying "this is a hoot!" while he was trying to catch his breath from all the silliness. I thought how it might have been to have been married young and stayed married, raising kids and buying houses and sharing hobbies and trips and adventures, all with the same guy for all those years. They talked about their trips and the groups they party with and I was delighted to listen, grateful to meet a couple that stayed together and still seemed to enjoy each other. It turned out that John and I graduated from the same high school the same year, can you imagine that? I told him for a Republican, he was a pretty cool guy and that I wouldn't write about his toe fetish. Don't ask me.

The other ladies were equally as wonderful. Sandy is single, works hard, and is finally going to Italy on vacation in a few months. She had talked about it last year at the reunion, saved for it since then, and now is going. By herself! So brave. She was so excited about the trip that it was contagious, all of us knowing that she would surely have the time of her life. Lovely Louise talked about how she and her new husband met, how their daughters were friends and brought them together. She's also a patient at my doctor's office, feeling well and looking very happy.

The food was delicious, the company beyond delightful, and I can't remember laughing that hard and for so long, maybe ever. I've grateful they allowed me to participate in their little circle of women that they've kept going for decades. I read an article recently about how having friends keeps us healthier and makes us live longer. I think this bunch might just live forever.

Vacations, old friends, and a road trip.

2008-10-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation. My oldest friend Auntie Sharon is visiting this week from Georgia and I want to spend time with her, as much as possible. We go way back, over 40 years. We married brothers the same year, had baby girls the same year, got divorced the same year, and then lived together after our divorces. We were in our mid 20s, looked fabulous, were opposites who got along famously. Our daughters grew up like sisters, and she has a place in my heart that no one else fills. She moved to Georgia six years ago and I still miss her, so having time with her is like medicine to me. We are so different that it's a wonder we get along, but I think we just accept and love each other unconditionally which is a precious thing.

So I worked today until 1:30, left to pick her up at the airport, went to the bank, picked up my grandchildren after school, took them home so Auntie could see my daughter, and then went to surprise her 86-year-old mom. It's a big Italian family where everyone talks at once and it sounds like they're arguing, but the love is palpable. It's so different from my family where we never speak our mind, are so full of baggage that we rarely see each other, and we have animosity towards each other that even outsiders can feel. I love to be part of Sharon's family's noisy and sometimes chaotic gatherings, grateful to be part of a family who care about each other and accepts me as one of their own.

I think we never quite get over the messages we learn as children. After thirty years working for the same boss, I still find myself shrinking in fear that he will get mad at me, like I'm reliving my childhood years with a family of bullies who I feared. It always seemed like I was an outsider, someone they picked on and went out of their way to make feel bad and small and unloved. I've spent many, many years trying to grow out of that fear and lately, at work, it's about 50-50, that sometimes I feel intimidated and sometimes I feel powerful and strong. So we don't just cast off these old fears, but we can submit to them less and less as we become aware and seek a new path.

I'm not the person I was when Sharon and I were pals years ago, but being with her is a reminder of who I was and who I've become. We're going to take a road trip in a few days to somewhere we used to visit together and I think we'll have a great time. I hope we can connect, not as who we used to be, so we can really get to know each other as we are now. I'll keep you posted.

Fires, gratitude, and new friends.

2008-10-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

One of the new Wowettes, Karen E., faced this mountain of fire last week and was evacuated, not knowing what would happen to her home of many years. She spent a few days with another Wowette Patt, and did end up going home to a very smoky and undamaged home, amazingly. You just never know when tragedy will hit, such as in a medical emergency or a fire or another of life's many surprises. We wake up each day, usually taking for granted all that we have, and a tragedy comes along and nothing is the same. In my office at work, we see people who were going about their regular lives and suddenly they faced a life-changing medical situation for which they are totally unprepared. The human spirit is strong and powerful - we have a huge instinct for survival, and many of us are aware of what could happen and are grateful every day for the roof over heads, the job that pays our bills, and the health and safety of our loved ones.

Karen is one of those women I would never have met if there was no Wow, that monthly meeting where we gather for potluck and a speaker and celebrate our womanness and the joy of friendship. She is 65, divorced, currently unemployed, and taking care of a long time best friend who is battling a nasty cancer. She's a hard one to peg, to label. She's beautiful, has a wonderful smile, is very caring and kind, and sings the most beautiful karaoke with her friend Patt that I have ever heard. She's not really much like me at all, but I think I liked and admired her the first time we met. She's friendly and fun and outgoing and I admire her spirit. And I just enjoy her company, like she's always surprising me. She is a former ballroom dance teacher, sold perfume, and never re-married after a divorce many years ago, but lives life with passion and enthusiasm, even in the midst of difficulties. When I realized that her home might be in the path of the recent fire, I called her to invite her to stay at my home for whatever time she needed, and she was genuinely touched by my offer. I met her at the time of my break-in and I haven't been exactly myself, kinda scattered and distracted, but she put up with that and continues to want to be my friend. Life brings surprises and she's one of the nicest. I wish I had her picture so I could show her her smile - would brighten your day, for sure.

So, I'm home with this painful shoulder and taking some analgesics so I'm a bit spacey. I'll do some housework, read some more in a good book, and maybe sit outside in the sunshine. And be very, very grateful for my many blessings, my home and my family and my friends, new and old, that make my life richer every day. Lucky me.

Arthrograms, personal ads, and staying home.

2008-10-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

Just another week in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The fires are out and the weather is gorgeous. Blue sky, lots of wispy clouds, and temps in the 70s and 80s. Work is Ok. One of the docs was out of town and I realized that I can take care of the business of one doctor, but not two, so I have to summon up the guts, again, to get them to agree to hire one more person, even though we're really in close quarters and haven't signed the lease for the bigger suite. Still, it's progress for me to feel strong at work and I don't take it for granted. Must say that the guy who works with our office and who looks and acts like the two hunky male guys in my Stephanie Plum mystery novels stopped by yesterday and yes, is still as gorgeous as ever. I know he's taken, but it's fun to look and be in his presence. And, for the first time, he hugged me and said he missed me. I just have THAT effect on men, obviously.

And I did muster up the courage to have an arthrogram of my painful right shoulder. It's been feeling better since the steroid injection, but I really want to know what is happening, what's been torn, and what might need to be fixed. It's not such a bad procedure, just an MRI, an injection into the joint, and another MRI, but the tech wasn't so thrilled to hear that I am claustrophic and sometimes have panic attacks. I just checked out, listened to all the noise and chatter in my head to distract me, and did fine, per the tech, and it didn't hurt more than a few seconds. But afterward? They warned me it would make the shoulder pain worse, but jeez, this is really painful. I had to cancel plans last night to see one of my favorite girlfriends and today am just gonna stay home, take some pain pills, and put some frozen corn on the painful spot. Try it when something hurts, put some frozen corn in a baggy and then on the sore spot, really works nice.

I did hear back from the Hilton where I want to have another party. I offered to pay for the band myself and then charge a small fee to the partygoers to pay me back and then the Hotel can keep the bar tab, which really sounds like a win-win, no-lose situation, but you never know. After going to that singles event last week, I am really motivated to thrown another of my parties where the room fills up, the music is amazing, and people are just having a great time. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, I'm still not dating. Here's some responses to my personal ad, just so you can check out my options: Hope you are having a great day. Let's go hang out. I am 31 years old, I am a normal, good looking, hard working, athletic, open minded guy that is looking for a cute, fun, out going girl to hang out with. I am not looking for a relationship right away. Age and ethnicity does not matter. It would be great to spend some time meeting new people. If you are normal and not crazy, please reply with recent pic and we can take it from there. Thanks.
Sounds nice, but 31? Don't think so.

Another one, kinda simple and to the point. I ask for a pic and short bio and this is what I get:

I`M 42 VERY INTELLIGENT VERY ATTRACTIVE LOVE TO PLEASURE ANY THING YOU DESIRE WANT TO PLAY TODAY

Nice, likes animals, but something doesn't sounds right. Maybe the garter belt thing put me off:

If you like me, read further. I'm tall, dark brown hair and eyes, (as you can see). I was brought up Catholic but got over it. My philosophy of live is ever changing as I observe and experience life. I do think protecting innocents is important to me. I rescue dogs when I can. On a date, I may very well feel compelled to save some hapless beast wandering in traffic. I will not at all mind if you have some pet-fur on your sweater. You don't have to LOVE animals as much as I, but you must at least tolerate them. Of course, I'd prefer an animal lover. I read alot...among my favorite authors are, Steinbeck, Flannery O' Connor, Ayn Rand, Stephen King, Natalie McKelvy, etc. My idea of good art is what entertains, ME. I go to theater when I can, I've been rather busy lately. I'm looking for no particular (body) type. Chemistry is all important. I do like women who enjoy wearing garter-belts on occassion. I have no idea why, but I like the look on the female-form. Which is NOT to say I'm looking for a Victoria Secret model. Please don't be put-off by my confession. OR, if you are, that's fine, too! I am really uninterested in people who are reticent. I hope all of us find our mate. I do best when I say more than less about my likes and dislikes.
All types interest me, so long as they are kind-hearted and sincere. So, write back if you're interested, and don't,if you aren't.

I don't know. Not enough info? Not enough punctuation?

i love women i want to be with someone who is fun not shy outgoing and honest i am all of those things love

Geez, if I were a few decades younger!!!

I am Male, late 30's, 6'3, stocky/husky build (good-looking, trust me!), former body guard, ex college ball, blond, hazel-eyes, Northern European/Spanish/Native American mix, no tattoos, two earrings. Mentally & Physically Healthy, D&D&D free! I do not smoke and rarely drink, by the way, but do not mind if you do.

Good thing this is an adult blog. Not that I don't like what he likes, but shouldn't we at least know each others' names before discussing these details?

I love sex, and can spend hours and hours making love to you...I enjoy cunnilingus, I love sucking on breasts for hours and hours, and giving sensual massages. My favorite position is doggystyle, but I like cowgirl style too, with you facing me so I can thrust up into you while sucking your sweet breasts. I also love anal sex with the woman, and I am very gentle and passionate about it...

Is it too awful to reject someone because they're really overweight? I would like to talk vwith you to see if there is a connection. I live in Simi Valley, I'm 48 6' and 260. I like going to a good movie or just watching one at home with a special lady. I like to camp, fish and love the beach, day or night.

So I'm home for the weekend, waiting now for the refrigerator repairman to make his
3rd trip to fix my broken water dispenser. Not much of a social life now, but that's OK. I've got some house stuff to catch up on and a good book to read and I don't drive when taking pain meds, so it's just a chill-out-stay-home-enjoy-doing-nothing weekend. It's not so bad. I like my company.

Girlfriends, giggles, and clean carpets.

2008-10-12T12:03:00.001-07:00

It was a nice weekend in Chatsworth, California. No train crashes and I had a social life. I started off Friday night with a massage and then dinner with my friend Kathy who is heading for her home in Baja for a few weeks, that blissful haven on the sand north of San Felipe where she can do nothing and enjoy the magnificant ocean and sunsets. Aaaahhhh. So we had delicious Thai food, great conversation, and lots of giggles and I'm delighted to have her as a friend.

And then I took care of something that was really bugging me. My stained carpet. Doesn't sound like a big deal but sometimes the little things just irritate me, that subtle under-the-surface constant aggravation that I often don't recognize that upsets my balance. So I had Sylvan from Supermachine Fine Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning spend Saturday morning making my ten-year-old carpets look like new. He and his assistant Rene were amazing, just did the most careful and thorough work while entertaining me with stories about his long and happy marriage, his artistic wife, his successful and good grown chidren, good books, and his views on life. I really like Sylvan, a big-hearted, happy, and hard-working man who is obviously good to his employees and appreciates what he has earned and created in his life. You can reach him at 800-339-4795 or at his website at www.supermachinecarpetcleaners.com - he told me he would clean any small room, without moving furniture, for free, just to prove how much you'd like his work. Amazing how much a clean carpet has affected my sense of well-being.

Then I picked up my twin grandchildren so my beautiful curly-haired daughter could go out to lunch with her girlfriends and the kids and I went to dim-sum. Yum. When you walk into this restaurant, there is a huge salt water fish tank and the kids had to stop and name all the fish and plants and tell me that a certain fish lays eggs in one of them and other such fish facts that I didn't know! The children love dim sum, and I love to watch them enjoy it, and then we went to Ross to do some shopping and they went up and down the aisles with me, being really good and not touching stuff and oohing and aahing at all the silly decorations and then they each picked out a new toy and then I took them home to rest.

And this is the surprise. I went out to a singles event. Yes, I dressed up, did the hair and make-up, picked up my lovely friend Gail, and went to a dance. I had those last minute I-don't-want-to-go panic, but I keep my commitments and plus I thought it might be blog-worthy. Well, it was not so much fun, really, a bunch of people standing around a waterfall with the DJ way over there and no real dance floor and these key things that you're supposed to go around and use to find a lock that opens on one of the guys so you can mix more easily and then might win a door prize and I did! Except that I won a free pass for a future similar event, lucky me, but it did motivate me to plan another of my parties since there were several people there who recognized me and asked, almost begged me to do it again. OK, OK, I'll do it. I did get my cards read, which I'd been wanting to do, even though I don't put much stock in the whole psychic thing, but who knows? The cards apparently said that I had nothing to worry about, that I will find a new love partner in June of 2009 who I will meet outside of California and his name will start with the letter L, that there will be big money coming to me in 2010 and that I should be more playful and let things and thoughts from the past go. And then she said that I needed "spiritual cleansing" which she could apparently see in my eyes and that I could call and make an appointment to see her in her office. I'm thinking maybe her cards told her to find ways to make more money, but I can't be sure.

I did enjoy being "out there" but everytime I got to talking to a nice looking guy, he would walk away, so I asked a Ian, a guy standing near me, if I smelled bad and he leaned in and said, no, that I smelled good, so I have no clue. I did finally ask one guy that I see at my parties how it is that these guys don't seem to ever connect with any of the ladies and he said he really had no clue but that he would really like to and didn't know why it didn't happen. I didn't meet Mr. Right or even Mr. Right now, but it was good to get out and be social. The guys were OK and I did get a few hugs and Gail said that at least three of them wanted to date me, which I didn't see at all, so maybe I'm as clueless as the guys.

So that's the weekend. Nice breezy Chatsworth. Today I hung out and read some stuff and watched a bad movie and did some chores and that's it. I guess I have to wait until next June to meet my new love, so I better get busy planning some trips. Or not.

MRIs, chicks, and aluminium foil.

2008-10-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

OK, I survived the week. I haven't had the water dispenser fixed on my refrigerator and I broke my rolodex at work. One of my docs is in the hospital seriously ill and we're all really upset about it. I finally got up the courage to schedule my right shoulder arthroscopy (an MRI, then an injection of contrast, then another MRI) when I realized it was authorized as "MRI right shoulder without contrast with arthrogram" which makes no sense to me or the schedulers, so we have to get that corrected before they'll schedule it. And my friend Bev, who is booking the November weekend singles cruise, called to tell me that she was finalizing the payments when one person's credit card wouldn't go through. She found out that he sadly had passed away in July and told that to the cruise line person who asked "does that mean he isn't going on the cruise?" Duh? And Auntie Sharon called to say she is coming out to visit from Georgia which is beyond wonderful as she has been my best friend for 40 years and I really, really miss her. And a really cool and powerful businessman who just started to work with my office came to meet me and promised to find me the perfect man. His decision. Strange week.

So now I have my grandchildren for the weekend, which is the nicest thing to happen in any week. My beautiful curly-haired daughter and her fine husband are away for the weekend, celebrating their 11th anniversary. I just told them to promise not to talk about the kids for more than the first few minutes of the drive and to laugh a lot. So this afternoon, the little ones and I went to the local pet food store and saw a few dozen new chicks and a few rabbits and snakes and fish and birds and then walked and ran and played at a park across the street from the store. And we came home to a dinner of Chinese food, which they love, and their blessing on the meal which is "Earth who gives to us this food, sun who makes it ripe and good. Dear sun, dear earth, by you we live, our loving thanks for you we give." The twins have a ritual where they say the blessing before dinner and then say something they are thankful for and Talia said, "I'm thankful we have such a good living life" and Quinn said "I'm thankful we have a new month and it's Halloween." Geez, so simple and so right-on, these two happy and sweet little people.

I did get to go with a girlfriend to a movie preview this week of "New York, I Love You," which was amazing, twelve vignettes by different famous writers and directors, all revolving around the idea of finding love. And I took dinner over to another girlfriend's house last night to listen to the Vice-Presidential debate with her and her mom, both of whom provided a calming influence to my anxiety regarding the current election and the future of the United States and the world and other huge issues that are totally beyond my control.

So I have no point here, except that it was a bit of a tumultuous week, that I survived it well, that I appreciate having girlfriends, that I am blessed with a loving daughter and son-in-law and grandbabies, and that I am healthy and feeling pretty good about myself and life. Oh, I forgot, I found my lost checks, those that I had hidden after the burglary in a 'safe' place. They were in the drawer with the Saran Wrap and aluminium foil. Now, that's weird.

Forms, waiting, and going nowhere.

2008-09-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've been discouraged about my lack of dating prospects lately so I took my profile down from the dating sites I was on. OK, that doesn't make sense, but it seems logical to me. Really, I was not getting any hits from those guys and even guys whose email I had answered didn't go further than that. So I take down my profile and one of the guys who hadn't responded to my response wrote "What? You took down your picture? I want to talk to you! Call me...."

From his profile, he seemed like an active and enthusiastic guy with some views similar to mine about life and politics so, optimist that I am, I did call him and left a message and he called right back and then we had a conversation, or actually he talked and I listened. Not a happy start to a relationship obviously, so I thought I'd share what we each learned about each other.

I learned:
1) That he doesn't like to fill out forms. (He talked for three minutes about forms and doctors' offices.)
2) That he doesn't like to be kept waiting in doctors' offices. (Another three minute story with word for word description of his conversation with his dermatologist.)
3) That he runs a business selling parts to people who don't always understand what parts they need. (Yes, another three minute description of a conversation with a customer.)
4) That he has a sick daughter. (And a three minute discussion about her illness and how much his customers enjoy that she works for him.)
5) That he has heard a certain religious leader speak three times. (And yes, now I know that person's spiritual views and a joke he told.)
6) That he knows about the "butterfly effect." (This is the idea that if a butterfly flaps its wings in the south pole, it can be felt in the north pole.) Can butterflies live in both places? Oh, I digress.
7) That he thinks my job is "right-minded" and that lawyers' jobs aren't. (And that he fired his divorce attorney for fighting too vigorously for him, the details of which he didn't spare.) Apparently, my job helps people but attorneys help someone which causes someone else to suffer. That's what he said.

I think I probably learned even more about him, but my mind is so bleary from all that listening that I may have forgotten someething important. Here's what he learned about me:

1) That I work for doctors who keep patients waiting.
2) That I have a daughter.
3) That I have a soft voice.

I read somewhere today that the thing we most want from our mates is for them to "know" us, to really know and understand who we are. This guy would likely never know me, if this conversation was any indication. And don't go telling me he was just nervous because he really seemed calm and relaxed. It just seemed he wanted to hear himself talk, that he really had no interest whatsoever in learning anything about me except that which would allow him to babble on about something else. He was actually rather intelligent and well read, which would be good in a mate, but I can't be with someone who just wants to hear his own voice. So what's next? I'm back to my Stephanie Plum mysteries which never disappoint.

Bicycles, email, and world peace.

2008-09-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not dating. I'd like to date, yes I would. I'd also like universal health care, a six-figure income, and world peace. Pretty sure none of those are going to happen anytime soon.

But optimist that I am, and yes I love getting email, I put another personal ad on Craigslist. I tried my best to describe myself and the person I'm looking for, but it's always quite a crapshoot and I don't have great expectations for some fabulous guy to write me. But yet, it could happen! I know he's out there.

Just so you know who's out there looking for a girlfriend, I present this as an example from the first guy who answered my ad, a guy who calls himself hotbicyclist and sends a picture of a scowling guy in tight bike shorts with a potbelly standing next to a bike. Here is his response to my ad. I didn't make this up. I didn't change a thing. He wrote this in his quest for a girlfriend:

Hmmmm.....How would I fit into your laundry list? I'm afraid not very well. I am an independent person who has a realistic outlook on life. I've learned to accept compromises. It comes with maturity. I admire some of the traits you expound on. Independence, sensuality, smarts all that's nice. Non-smoking,healthy attitudes, all that's a no-brainer. Bio? Democrat? In or near the Valley? You're starting to ask too much. It seems you don't want to leave anything to discover. That's bad. Refusing to accept compromises in some areas is definitely a bad move. It says "immaturity."

Here's what I'm willing to tell you about me right now.
I'm 54, 5 feet 10 inches, white, athletic, about 200lbs., brown hair, blue eyes, drug/disease/drama free. I like politics, art, music, current affairs, science, technology, bicycling, fixing things, and creative writing. In a partner I like; independence, self confidence, sensuous, tactile, radiant, energetic, and good conversation. In a partner I don't like; smoking, drinking, narcissism, materialism, and immaturity.

BTW, your post lacks paragraph structure. To me it says "sloppy thinking." Work on it.

If you're ready to get real, drop me an email. But I think I know your type pretty good by now. I'm not expecting anything. Your turn.

I actually was kind of offended at first by this guy who called me immature for being specific about my prospective mate's politics and location. And I'm a "sloppy thinker?" I just have no words for this. Telling me to "work on it?" Geez.

I would like to have some amazing guy write to me and have him turn out to be just like what he wrote. And I do appreciate when a guy shows me right away that he's kinda creepy, like this guy. But still, I think it can happen, a nice guy coming my way. I've decided to take that cruise in November, even though I don't have a friend going with me. My Wowettes have told me that they've done such trips by themselves and had a great time and I think it will be good for me to do something kinda scary like travelling alone. Maybe my great guy will be on that ship. Or maybe my next email will be him. And maybe we'll get out of the war soon and maybe Sarah Palin will decide to take care of her new baby and maybe I'll wake up looking like Christie Brinkley. OK, so maybe I'm dreaming, but meanwhile I'm enjoying life. Just as it is.

Loss, hearts, and friends.

2008-09-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Another Wow meeting, another magical evening for all. We gather each month, maybe twelve to eighteen of us, women in our 50s and more, for potluck and speaker, but mostly for encouragement and friendship. And we are never disappointed. I love to watch as the ladies come into my home, one by one or in twos, carrying their delicious part of the meal, kissing and hugging me and each other, and introducing themselves to the newcomers. I watch and listen as my home changes, filled with the voices and spirits of these lovely women, joining together for an evening of laughter and growth, and I am always touched and moved by what happens.

This month was no exception. We had the pleasure of meeting Eileen Joyce, a Certified Coach and Grief Recovery Specialist whose card carries her phone number of 310-235-1086, her website address www.eileenjoyce.com, and the message "Speaking Through Your Heart." Her message was profound, yet simple, that all of us face loss in our lives, but that we often avoid experiencing the feelings that come with it, causing us to feel depleted and depressed. Other symptoms of not feeling our grief are having no energy to do the things we want to do, no motivation to make changes, being easily overwhelmed, and the inability to communicate with loved ones.

Think about how often we hear "time will heal all wounds" or "get over it," as if healing might come without any effort at all. Eileen says that grief is often a difficult topic to discuss, both to speak about personally or to listen to another's pain, so we often just pick up and march on, never feeling what needs to be felt so that we can move on to joy and passion again. We are told things like "don't feel bad" and we grieve alone, often replacing the loss with food, alcohol, or other relationships.

Eileen says that we have to talk about the pain, but we really have to recognize it first. She had us do an exercise where we talked to someone sitting near us, one person listening and the other telling of a grief they've experienced, and then switching roles. She asked us to listen and speak from our hearts, not our heads, and we each found ourselves experiencing feelings we might have otherwise avoided. The ladies around me spoke about how a close friend had recently avoided them and the pain it caused. I spoke about the death of my mother and then realized what I had most avoided grieving was that I no longer see my father who lives down the block, having made a decision to not put myself in the path of his life-long abuse one more time. And how it created ambivalent feelings, how I knew I was taking care of myself with this action but that I missed him and our times together.

It's just another magical night in my long list of speakers who I find randomly and who address my specific need at that time in my life. Hearing Eileen speak helped me to understand and feel the pain of the break-in and then connect with the feelings about my dad I had so long avoided. And, just to keep you up-to-date in my continuing saga of not-so-voluntarily getting rid of things from my past since the break-in, I did recover from the demise and replacement of the cable box, thanks to my wonderful son-in-law, but then realized that all the shows I had taped and treasured were now lost. But while I was being so happy that I didn't have to invite a stranger, like the cable guy, into my home while I am still a bit paranoid about my personal space, I went to fill a water glass for one of the ladies from that place on the door of my refrigerator and the thingy the glass pushes in to release the water broke! NOW, I have to let a strange refrigerator repair guy into my home and can just hear him saying "I have NEVER seen this happen before!" So thanks to the lovely and generous Eileen for her time and for sharing her wisdom with us, thanks to the ladies for their delicious food and charming company, and a hesitant thanks to the Universe for trying to teach me something. Can't quite figure out what it is, but I'm still moving forward, now learning to "feel and speak through my heart!"

Poison, tears, and muffins.

2008-09-23T02:53:00.001-07:00

OK, I'm a mess. If you didn't know me and looked at me, I'd look normal to you. But I'm just a mess. It's been the strangest year. I've survived the pest guys almost killing my poodle and an investigation by a really stupid government worker who the vet said didn't know anything about poison. I've survived three short love affairs, one with a Buddhist who loves porn, one with a 50-year-old guy who can't find himself yet in the world, and another with a controlling guy who tried to manipulate me with guilt. I've survived a change in my work schedule and grandchildren starting kindergarten. I've survived a break-in at my home and sobbing in front of police officers and then crying in front of the checker at Von's. I've survived the loss of almost all my jewelry and cameras, and now not being able to find where I've hidden what's left of my valuables. I've survived being two miles from a train crash that killed twenty-five people and listening to the emergency vehicles overhead and on the streets all night and then booking surgeries for the victims at work. I've survived a shoulder injury and daily pain for the past three months. There's a continuing war, threat of nuclear weapons, countless natural disasters, and Sarah Palin. And what finally did me in? Yes, my cable TV.

I've really been amazed at my fortitude, how I just keep going, no matter what happens. Just try to eat right and exercise and see some friends and do my job and have time with my kids and grandkids and then the cable TV goes crazy and I lose it.
I have no volume on channels 2,4, and 7. The Simpsons on channel 11 are in Spanish and Law and Order on A&E is giving me a continuous description of what's happening, like I'm blind. And I called the cable company and just lost it. I called from work and the lady said she would reboot it from the office and then I got home and nothing had changed and then I called again but couldn't understand what the operator was saying with her accent and she wouldn't put me through to another operator so I hung up. Then I called again and the operator said she couldn't fix it and I said should I just cancel service and she said fine, she could do that for me and then I just lost it and hung up. I called again and asked for a supervisor and she was really nice and said that she really valued me as a customer and could she make an appointment for a service call and I just went blank. I couldn't think of a two hour window of time in my life in the next five days to let in a cable guy and so I hung up. And so I went to bed to try to calm down and read a book and fell asleep at 8:30pm and now I'm up at 3am and can't sleep.

I have no wisdom about this at all. I think my nerves are probably just shot. I think I'll take my cable box to the company and exchange it and maybe that will work. I've got a doctor's appointment in a few hours about my shoulder and I don't want to go nuts there, so maybe I'll pick up some muffins to take with me to the staff in case I get weird in the waiting room. I know none of this is life and death but I guess life sometimes just gets to us and that's just the way it is. I'll keep you posted.

Trains, change, and gratitude.

2008-09-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

As you all know, my house was broken into and burglarized one month ago. The young men who live behind my neighbor's house heard the glass breaking and called the police who called me at work. It allowed me to come home during the day and take care of getting the mess cleaned up and the glass replaced. Imagine if the police had not been called and I had come home after work, in the dark, to see the breakage and mess? I did visit the guys and thanked them for the bravery, calling the police and running around the block to see the criminals leaving in their car. I told them I was worried that they would have been harmed and these young men said "we used good judgement." I thought their parents would be proud.

It's one month later, I'm feeling like it was all in the past, so I had the twins stay over last night, at the end of their second week of kindergarten. We woke up at our usual 6am and took Buddy the poodle and Onyx the visiting Lab for a walk. The children have been raised to be very respectful of life, in the form of bugs or animals or people, and have been seen lying in the dirt to watch a snail so slowly sliding along and commenting on the event with joy.

I went to bed last night hearing the helicopters and emergency vehicles for hours and hours, evacuating the scene of what may be the worst train accident ever in Los Angeles, about 2 miles from my house. I thought about the loss of life, the horror of families whose loved ones never returned from work, the excrutiating recovery from crush injuries, and how my very overworked physician employers would be operating on those with head and spine injuries all weekend. Yet, I woke up to the voices of these little people and went in to greet them with Buddy and Onyx following close behind, all of us getting good morning wet kisses. And I thought how life can be tragic and beautiful, that we are blessed with even the tiniest moments of this kind of joy, and how lucky I am to have these moments in my life.

So, the walk. We went around a few blocks with the children taking turns walking each dog and the dogs delighting in this early morning trek. I like to walk this early, as if I am watching the world awaken, the birds starting to sing, and the sky changing from dark to gray to blue. It's rare that I see other people walking and always enjoy the solitude, using this time every morning as a meditation on my blessings, such as "I'm glad I can walk, I'm glad I can see, I'm glad I have a job" etc. etc. until I can go forward in my day happily.

This morning, we were walking by the house where the guys who called the police live and, just as we were passing, a woman walked out, looking ready for a walk or a run. I was about to say hi and thank her for what her sons had done when she said that she knew that I was the one with the burglary and asked how I was. I did express my appreciation for the action of her sons and she told me how beautiful my grandchildren are, so sincerely that her face just lit up looking at them. As we were walking and talking, she said that she ran and walked up and around a nearby park. When I told her how good and fit she looked, she said that she and her husband had visited my office for a consultation with my boss and that I had talked to her about being fit and that's what motivated her to "change my life." That she had been sluggish and unhealthy and, after hearing whatever it was I had said, she started eating right and walking and running and talked about how "centered" she became after her morning exercise. I was totally amazed, as I had no memory of meeting her or talking to her in my office. She said "you really change lives."

How wonderful is that moment! What a circle, that I said something to help another and that person's children made a tragedy in my life much more bearable. That, after a night of listening to the sounds of a terrible nearby train crash, I would meet this woman on my walk and hear how I affected her in such a positive way. I feel happy and amazed. And grateful for one more joyful moment in my life.

Kids, labs, and life.

2008-09-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

I know it's fuzzy, and I'm sorry but this is a new camera and I clearly don't know quite how to use it. But I just couldn't not put it up for you to see. Those are my new-to-kindergarten grandchildren playing with Onyx, the black lab of my friend Kathy who is on another adventure up north with her mom. Isn't that the nicest thing, that Kathy can go anywhere she wants with anyone and she very often takes her aging mom, actually her step-mom, on really wonderful trips to beautiful places. They're in Oregon, visitng family, on their way to a cruise through Alaska. And she let me keep Onyx while she was gone!

I picked up the chldren from school yesterday and it was such a treat for me. They didn't go to a daily pre-school as my beautiful curly-haired daughter was able to be a stay-at-home mommy and kept them quite busy with a hiking group, visiting every possible children's museum, enjoying a variety of nearby parks and beaches, and participating in a co-op pre-school with another twin mommy. So we all had a little apprehension when they started school, wondering if they would adjust and enjoy themselves and be sociable and make friends. I think we all believed that they would do just fine, as they are friendly and happy and well-adjusted children, and they did even better than we thought. They've made friends, come home happy, and wake up wanting to go again.

And me? Doing OK, thank you, and feeling strong, off and on. My shoulder hurts and I wonder if I'll have to undergo surgery again, and I'm not dating at all and not really wanting to. I'm walking more, now that Onyx is visiting, and I didn't catch the really nasty cold that plagued my daughter and her family a few weeks ago. Just really wanted to share that kinda fuzzy picture of the kids and the dog, how happy they all seem with each other. Isn't that cute? I think they are all smiling!

Quilts, power, and contentment.

2008-09-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

It's a Friday night and I'm home. My twin grandchildren are asleep in their rooms and I'm sewing them a patchwork quilt. So some guy from one of the dating sites IM's me (from Colorado!) and tells me he's bored. He asked me if I'm bored and I said no, that I am enjoying being single and really am content.

Now that's a really good place to be, content. I hear from so many people that they were just this content when they finally found their match and maybe that's the secret, to be happy with oneself and the life one creates and then a mate will be a nice addition, not a necessity. The IM guy asked why I'm not dating and why some LA guys haven't snapped me up and I have no idea how to answer that. Maybe I'm not making enough effort. Maybe it's not my time. I had one friend years ago who thought we might have a "quota" of men in our life and then, when we reached that number, there would be no more. I don't think it works that way, but who knows.

So I write to just let you know all is well. I'm feeling very energized lately, like the break-in has robbed me of some possessions but also stripped me of some inhibitions, like I'm no longer holding myself back in life. I'm feeling really powerful at work and, for the first time, don't take things my bosses complain about personally. I've returned to sewing, a hobby that I've always loved, and am still getting all my errands and chores done and have time left over. Even in this time of transition, where my work hours are changing and I don't have my grandchildren during the week since they've started school, I'm feeling quite relaxed and strong.

How can it be that a break-in has caused this new-found power, this new enthusiasm for life, this new confidence in myself? I don't know the answer to that, nor do I really care to figure it out. I just feel relaxed but still feel like making things happen. I have new ideas about recreating the free singles parties I put on last year and I feel like travelling to see some friends in other states. I would like to date, but it just doesn't seem like I'm missing anything by not dating. I have one dear friend who just met a guy who seems like a really good match, and I'm more than thrilled for her, but it's not happening for me now and I have no problem with that.

So the message in all this? That's it's good to clear away the past. That's it's good to be content. That it's wonderful to feel powerful and confident. And that really, life is just one day at a time, mostly filled with routine, doing the same thing day after day, and that is just fine with me. And boredom? If I'm happy with my own company or curling up with a good book, boredom just isn't in my vocabulary. The future might bring great adventures but for today, just doing the regular stuff is pretty terrific.